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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be thoroughly disappointed with my 40th birthday present?

223 replies

SpoiltUngratefulWretch · 26/04/2016 15:28

Have name changed for this for obvious reasons.

I know IABU really but I just need to vent.

A silver Pandora Bracelet with a few starter charms on it. It has cost about £200. I don't like Pandora bracelets, I never have. I mean I don't hate them, they are fine if you like that sort of thing, but I don't. They are now ubiquitous to the point of being a bit naff and If I'd wanted one I'd have got it 10 years ago, when they were all the rage.

Family members clubbed together at the suggestion of my mum because a couple of women in my family have them and never seem to wear them anyway so my mum assumed I would like one too, without asking me or DH for opinions or other ideas, of which I had several.

I am notoriously difficult to buy for so a surprise thing to wear was always going to be risky. It's not that I missed out on a better present - I really don't care about that, I am just frustrated and embarrassed that they have spent so much money on something I have no interest in and it could so easily have been avoided. It makes me feel guilty knowing they will be expecting to see me wear it.

At the moment it looks pretty dull with just three fairly plain charms and I object to the amount money that needs to be spent to fill the bracelet to the point that it starts to look less dull. It's throwing good money after bad. It will cost hundreds and hundreds of pounds that I have no intention of spending.

And this is the worst bit. My mother said she will always know what to get me for Christmas and birthdays from now on and she can suggest to my DH and my kids that they can buy me more charms, so that's them investing around between 50 to 75 quid a time in this bloody thing that i don't want, every Christmas and birthday for the next few years.

And the only way I can halt it is by being honest, hurting her feelings and annoying my siblings by seeming ungrateful.

It's a dilemma. If I don't wear it she will ask why and feel hurt. If I do wear it they will think I love it and keep buying me charms. I can't win!

OP posts:

MackerelOfFact · 27/04/2016 15:50

DrasticAction "I am not wild about pandora either, but I would treasure that gift, for the love and thought behind it." That's exactly how I feel too. So sorry you have lost your mum.

A gift has to be given as well as received. Both aspects are equally important. Remove the 'giving' aspect and focus on what is being received and it just becomes a transaction IMO.

andintothefire · 27/04/2016 15:55

Hang onto it , but say that you prefer the minimalist look as far as charms concerned, so don't want any more

This is a good solution! And then you can just wear it for family occasions and still enjoy it on those occasions as a representation of the love and thought that went into buying it for you.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 27/04/2016 16:54

YANBU The thought that it could go on for years with endless money wasted on something you don't like because you feel like you have to be polite for the benefit of others sounds very frustrating.

It was the thought that counted, however in this situation it's not the end of it. perhaps you could do is swap it for some other Pandora jewellery like their rings or a necklace, something you're more likely to wear. Perhaps say would you mind if I swapped it as I'm not really into charm bracelets although you really appreciate the thought. Suggest they ask dh for hints next time and he can then ask you.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 27/04/2016 17:08

I think the bracelets are lovely, but what I don't like about them is the commercial side to them, they are an extremely clever way of gradually extracting money from the customers which make the price seem less obscene. There is no way you'd hand over £500 for the bracelet up front for example (roughly working it out ).

Postchildrenpregranny · 27/04/2016 17:14

I Have two friends in their late fifties with these which I think is odd as I see them as something a teenager/early twenties person would wear
I'm afraid I'd have to tell them

Mynameisdominoharvey · 27/04/2016 17:22

Yanbu
I hate Pandora bracelets with a passion. My mum recently visited from America and before her arrival she asked wether I liked Pandora bracelets, I am so glad I was honest as she had bought me one (I had no idea until later on) and luckily she was able to return it and bought me some lovely Victoria's secret perfume and lotion that I was much happier with. I am on the alternative side (tattoos and stretched ears etc) and the thought of wearing a Pandora bracelet makes me shudder, not to mention the ridiculous amount of money that gets spent on them and their shitty charms. My best friend recently wasted a lot of money on one and a few tacky charms...yuck. OP I think honesty is the best option here, it could be returned and you will be saved years of opening charms with that fake "oh how lovely" face we've all had to wear at least once in our lives....

Postchildrenpregranny · 27/04/2016 17:25

It's not that I dislike charm bracelets either DD2 had one for her 21st birthday from friends and I have added charms but they are very specific/significant to her .It's the 'universality'of the Pandora ones I don't like

kelda · 27/04/2016 17:46

It's precisely because they are so popular that many people hate them so much. They are the Marmite of jewellery.

I have never actually seen anyone wearing one so I don't have strong feelings about them.

falange · 27/04/2016 18:33

YABU. They meant well. Wear it when you see them at special occasions.

CatsNOwls · 27/04/2016 18:52

YANBU.

I would say "do buying rules not apply anymore?" but you guys are probably older than me and your parents definitely are.

I was always taught that there are things you don't buy without the recipient present, one thing is jewelry (of any kind). Why? Several reasons. One is the expense for something they may not like. One is the metal, whether they are allergic or whether it is their colour (most people can wear silver, less can wear gold, etc.). Another is their taste in pendant/charm/etc. as this can vary greatly.

So to buy something where they will constantly be buying more charms without your approval seems a bit... faux pas?

At the same time, unless you have the guts to say to her face that you don't like it, I would just wear it around them and maybe just tell your mum that it looks nice the way it is and charms would only gather dust as you don't want to edit it?

The people saying it's the thought that counts are correct, thought does count, but it sounds like the thought wasn't directed at you, it was directed at your family and more towards them not have to spend much thought in the future.

Sproughty · 27/04/2016 18:54

motor that is a truly inspired idea. I wouldn't mind wheeling it out every Christmas and adding gimmicky Christmas charms and then it really could become a proper family heirloom with sentimental value that hopefully my grandchildren will see me wear one day and they will perhaps wear on Christmas day after I've shuffled off. Thank you. I feel quite chirpy at the thought of that. I love me a nice Christmas family tradition.

Snazzy · 27/04/2016 19:54

Feeling a bit Noel Edmonds here... But as someone who got a magazine and a bar of Galaxy I'd be happy to swap?

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 27/04/2016 23:18

I'm seriously not understanding why people should feel compelled to use something they hate just to save the feelings of a relative.

I'll reiterate, it was a lazy gift choice. It wasn't bought for the recipient, it was bought to save the giver any fucking effort for the next five years.

Whack it on your local selling site, you might make enough to buy yourself a couple of bottles of wine and a good book.

Sproughty · 28/04/2016 08:16

I don't think it was bought with laziness as the intention Pro I think my mum genuinely thought I'd like it and that it would be a nice idea for my children to add charms for me on Mother's Day, etc.

I know it sounds like a great idea, but agree with the PP who said it's just a clever but cynical marketing concept that turns average quality , not terribly elegant pieces of costume jewellery into very expensive items that cost far more than you would ever pay for them if you saw them in the shop as a finished piece. I wouldn't wear anything I hated regularly just to please other people, but I am not prepared to risk disappointing my family by admitting that I don't like it.

It will come out of the drawer as seldom as I can get away with and hopefully there will be a gradual realisation that I am not that fussed. Or I will keep it as a Christmas themed family heirloom with sentimental value only. I don't buy the idea that these things are going to be collectible or valuable in the future - they are far too common for that.

Dowser · 28/04/2016 08:27

I really dislike Pandora too. Can't believe a shop just opened in my town.

But yes I'd have to put a stop to all the ludicrous buying till the darned thing was full.

Does your mum have one. If not I'd give it to her.

kelda · 28/04/2016 08:27

Procrastinatergeneral - because I actually value the feelings of my relatives and I would rather graciously accept a well meaned gift then risk hurting their feelings.

MulderitsmeX · 28/04/2016 08:42

as mentioned above I would be really vocal about loving it but really wanting to keep it simple and minimalist by not adding any further charms. I get jewellery (that I actually quite like) that I will wear around the giver.

Dowser · 28/04/2016 08:43

Just been to their website to remind myself how naff their stuff is and even that is naff as well.

I'd be inclined to return it, if you can and go to a jewellers who make their own jewellery and choose something unique to you.

I had my mums engagement ring, missing a diamond, her wedding ring and an opal and diamond ring from my aunt. I had them made into one unique design which is special to me. Now that is a real family heirloom.

I'd explain that to them rather than have them waste their money on mass produced tat.

Sproughty · 28/04/2016 10:14

I think the moral of this tale is that if you are thinking of buying someone one of these then PLEASE ask if they like them/want one first. If you know someone who already has a Pandora bracelet always check before you buy them more charms. Ask yourself how often you see them actually wearing it. Don't just assume they want more, especially if you bought them the bracelet in the first place, or have bought them charms in the past - it makes it difficult for them to be honest and say no thanks, because unless it's genuinely full up, they will want to spare your feelings.

And don't just phrase it as 'Would you like another Pandora charm?' Just say 'What would you like for your birthday/Christmas/Mother's Day present? Do you have any ideas?'

That way, if they really love their Pandora (lots of people do and good luck to them) they will suggest a new charm anyway, but if they don't it allows them to suggest something different without being forced into a corner.

AvaLeStrange · 28/04/2016 10:33

Don't know if anyone has mentioned this, but another reason for keeping it plain/with minima charms/not wearing it, is that they really get in the way when you're working, especially if you're at a desk/on a keyboard a lot.

I think they're extortionate and don't particularly like the silver charms but I do like the colourful glass beads, so I have one from eBay in silver plate which cost a fiver and lots of glass beads for about 50p each that I can mix and match.

DH once bought me a 'proper' charm for it and its ghastly. I was really disappointed so I can see where you're coming from.

ScarletForYa · 28/04/2016 11:26

I think you should be honest and ask for the receipt.

Return it and get something you like.

BlossomMagic · 30/04/2016 23:34

My DD was given a charm bracelet for her christening. It was the type you need to take to the jeweller to have the charms put on so be grateful for Pandora

People bought charms for another couple of Christmasses and then the novelty wore off. I've never had the charms put on, so it's completely rubbish really. But what I'm saying is that I'm sure you're not condemned to receive charms forever. People will move on.

HolgerDanske · 01/05/2016 13:40

I love the idea of turning my bracelet into a dedicated Christmas piece! I don't wear it because it's not my thing, but I could definitely justify wearing something a little naff at Christmas

I've got a couple of Christmas themed charms already and I don't mind them because they're sweet an Christmassy. I'm actually quite excited at picking another one this year!!

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