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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be thoroughly disappointed with my 40th birthday present?

223 replies

SpoiltUngratefulWretch · 26/04/2016 15:28

Have name changed for this for obvious reasons.

I know IABU really but I just need to vent.

A silver Pandora Bracelet with a few starter charms on it. It has cost about £200. I don't like Pandora bracelets, I never have. I mean I don't hate them, they are fine if you like that sort of thing, but I don't. They are now ubiquitous to the point of being a bit naff and If I'd wanted one I'd have got it 10 years ago, when they were all the rage.

Family members clubbed together at the suggestion of my mum because a couple of women in my family have them and never seem to wear them anyway so my mum assumed I would like one too, without asking me or DH for opinions or other ideas, of which I had several.

I am notoriously difficult to buy for so a surprise thing to wear was always going to be risky. It's not that I missed out on a better present - I really don't care about that, I am just frustrated and embarrassed that they have spent so much money on something I have no interest in and it could so easily have been avoided. It makes me feel guilty knowing they will be expecting to see me wear it.

At the moment it looks pretty dull with just three fairly plain charms and I object to the amount money that needs to be spent to fill the bracelet to the point that it starts to look less dull. It's throwing good money after bad. It will cost hundreds and hundreds of pounds that I have no intention of spending.

And this is the worst bit. My mother said she will always know what to get me for Christmas and birthdays from now on and she can suggest to my DH and my kids that they can buy me more charms, so that's them investing around between 50 to 75 quid a time in this bloody thing that i don't want, every Christmas and birthday for the next few years.

And the only way I can halt it is by being honest, hurting her feelings and annoying my siblings by seeming ungrateful.

It's a dilemma. If I don't wear it she will ask why and feel hurt. If I do wear it they will think I love it and keep buying me charms. I can't win!

OP posts:

upthegardenpath · 27/04/2016 10:48

Anti wrinkle cream for a 50th??????
avery that is harsh!

MrsMac74 · 27/04/2016 10:49

Honesty is definitely the best policy. But act quick whilst there's still time for a refund. I'd always rather know if I'd chosen the wrong present for someone.

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo you could say 'phew, that's me got enough Swarowski necklaces now that I'll never need another, lucky me!' My heart broke a little bit, reading that your son spent his money on your necklace, but surely that one is more special and can be cherished?

I generally hate receiving gifts - can't think of many I've liked. I even wait for flowers to die! I think there may be something wrong with me!

PiecesOfCake · 27/04/2016 10:54

I do think you need to tell her.

Otherwise you will end up in the same position with all the charms forever and on. If she thought you'd like the bracelet I would guess that no amount of 'I like it plain' would override the buying of an 'easy' gift for someone difficult to buy for ...

Nip it in the bud- in a gentle manner.

averylongtimeago · 27/04/2016 10:56

Upthegardenpath, to be fair it was good anti wrinkle cream, plus anti aging hand cream, from DD, but DH forgot entirely, so quite frankly a bracelet would have been very nice, even if not quite to my taste (am not difficult to buy for!)

timeforabrewnow · 27/04/2016 11:05

OP - I haven't read the whole thread, but yes, I think that at 40 you need to grow up and 'like' the bracelet. It's called 'not being selfish and being kind to your family'.

I was given a wooden sculpture of humming birds for a birthday. Not especially the gift I really wanted, but my DH and 6 year old daughter had chosen it and bought it for me, and I wouldn't ever give it away or whinge about it.

A Pandora bracelet sounds like a nice and thoughtful gift - why can't you go with the flow?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/04/2016 11:08

Agree with everyone who said break it gently to DM but say now or it is such a waste. You are otherwise looking at years of addditiinal charms. There are other products in that company so hopefully they will allow an exchange.

monstersvaliens · 27/04/2016 11:09

Tough one but I would gently tell them. I had something similar. My now DH bought some earrings for me and they were really not me I thought about it and was really worried about what to do, i did tell him I'm so glad I did. I would have never worn them and they were not cheap.He has bought me some beautiful gifts now over which suit me and I love. I would hate to buy something for someone that they did not like. and to have your family waste more money on more just seems bad for everyone. Try and think what you like instead when you come to tell them good luck.

CheesyWeez · 27/04/2016 11:13

I feel for you OP.
If you're difficult to buy for then tell them ahead of time without waiting for them to not ask!
I like the look of Pandora bracelets with only a few charms on a leather thong of a similar colour. Maybe the leather look would be good for you? In a colour you choose? Then specify only charms on an orange/blue/black theme or whatever... will cut down their choices. You could also put them on a necklace and that looks best with only one charm.
The metal bracelets have catches that break anyway, and they break your nails when you try to open them. Mine is chucked on the dressing table with a catch that refuses to close!

gamerchick · 27/04/2016 11:14

I really don't see the issue, you're hard to buy for so this is perfect. Build it up and it'll be worth a fortune and leave it to your kids or something. Something of their nanna and their mother.

MsHoolie · 27/04/2016 11:15

I bought my own bracelet for my 30th (saw it in a village jewellers when on hols) and asked my family to write cheques to Barclaycard!!
A few noses out of joint but generally all round relief as I am a MARE to buy for!

Everytime I see that bracelet I do feel it is what my family got me. (Just realised I hardly wear it though as I am so scared of losing it.. hmm.)

Say you came up in a rash and get a refund.. most tactful way out of it.

OliviaBenson · 27/04/2016 11:21

Why will be be worth a fortune in the future? Is that what Pandora say? I very much doubt they'll be antiques of the future to be honest.

BreconBeBuggered · 27/04/2016 11:24

I hate this. The whole feeling ungrateful and bratty and spoilt, when you'd have been happy with a bottle of wine...ugh.

KingLooieCatz · 27/04/2016 11:24

Many people have missed it but the op does say they had suggestions for gifts but were not consulted.

My brother has developed a great skill for his kids' birthdays. He rings up a week or two beforehand, does general chat for a few minutes then casually works the birthday into the conversation e.g. "We're doing X for wee one's birthday", he lets it hang in the air for a second and then of course you ask "and what would she like for her birthday". It may be a shade controlling but he has had some duds from the grandparents and his 2 kids' birthdays are only a few weeks apart so if one gets a dud and the other is spoilt rotten its a bit noticeable, so he has a strategy to avoid.

So the lesson is, to avoid wasted kindness and save everyone the grief, bring the birthday up in chat in time and drop heavy hints to pre-empt the purchase of duds.

Also, my Dad is difficult to buy for but now publicly happy with goats from Oxfam. Problem sorted. I wish all adults would do the same. I spoilt him with two goats at Christmas.

I can be tricky but I have established a list of stuff that can be bought for me every time, e.g. certain chocolate or soap. I would go for goats too, but the other side of the family wouldn't get their heads around it.

SooBee61 · 27/04/2016 11:29

I'd no idea Pandora trinkets were in that price range! My God, they must see us all coming. I've never liked them anyway, too fiddly.

northernshepherdess · 27/04/2016 11:36

My fella spent a lot of money on a diamond necklace...
Now unless it's made by little tikes or can be bought in toolstation, I'm gonna bust it. (Just ripped out my chimney today... baby due in 9 weeks... )
I had to just say to him... its very pretty but ill break it or lose it in 5 minutes.
I'd be honest... who wants something that costs £200 bit is worth £100 once worn, just sitting in the knickers drawer?
My mum bought me a multi tool battery operated kit... drill, jigsaw, torch etc for my 24th. Mum knows me well

CandyFlossBrain · 27/04/2016 11:36

Nooo, Pandora will not be collectible in the future. It's everywhere. It's like those people who filled their lofts with beanie babies and teletubbies only to find most of them are worth less than they paid.

RhiWrites · 27/04/2016 11:42

You chucked the gift receipt?! I was sympathetic until then. Why???

MackerelOfFact · 27/04/2016 11:46

Sounds like I'm in the minority here but I could never dislike a gift given with kindness. If it'd been chosen for me by people I loved then that would mean so much more to me than something I'd bought myself that was to my personal taste or style (which changes, anyway).

I hate it when people ask me what I 'want' for my birthday etc because I would genuinely rather just have a card that they'd chosen than a present they hadn't.

The only exception would be with something huge that took up a lot of space or that I just couldn't keep for practical reasons.

It doesn't take up much space. You don't need to wear it more than once or twice a year. Put it in a drawer, maybe wear it at the odd family gathering - and one day, when your mum is no longer of this world, look at it and remember the time she organised and picked a gift she wanted you to love, because she loved you.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/04/2016 11:49

What does a gift receipt allow you to do? It probably won't give the OP a refund, so she can buy something she likes, it will allow her to swap for other Pandora products, which seeing as they only sell a certain style of jewellry, isn't much choice at all really?

I don't see the point of gift receipts really, they say it is to not disclose the value, but if she wants to exchange the bracelet, she will need to know what value of other products she can have instead.

Wdigin2this · 27/04/2016 11:51

Eeek... A dilemma a friend has had to deal with too! There are 4 charms on it, she spread them out evenly, wore it whenever she saw the preset givers, and kept showing it off whilst declaring, 'I really like it simple like this, I don't want to overload it with any more charms, as it looks perfect like this to me'!
Worked too, she got money for her next birthday!

HolgerDanske · 27/04/2016 11:54

Pandora keep a record of name and address of buyer and when items are bought so you should be able to bring it back even if you don't have the receipt. They don't do refunds though, only exchanges.

They do stacking rings and earrings and necklaces as well - maybe not exactly your style if you were picking something yourself but at least it would be a self-contained thing, iykwim, and you'd avoId the terrible waste of money for years to come. I think you will have to be honest and very gently say that you appreciated the thought but it really isn't you and you didn't want everyone to feel obligated to fill it up. If people get sensitive and offended about it that really is them being unreasonable.

MackerelOfFact · 27/04/2016 11:56

I guess the point of gift receipts is that you don't know the value unless you choose to return (at which point you do need to know, obviously).

MiffleTheIntrovert · 27/04/2016 12:00

It's a bit of a drip feed that they gave you a gift receipt

YabuDabbaDoo · 27/04/2016 12:00

Keep it and be really grateful but I would say "ooh I love the way it looks with just those 3 charms on it, really simple and classy, I want to keep it just as it is, it's perfect!"

ambergreenred · 27/04/2016 12:00

I think you sound quite snooty about it all, OP 'Oh no, my family have given me this horrible little bracelet for my birthday, it's soooooo common and trashy I couldn't possibly wear it'

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