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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thoroughly disappointed with my 40th birthday present?

223 replies

SpoiltUngratefulWretch · 26/04/2016 15:28

Have name changed for this for obvious reasons. Blush

I know IABU really but I just need to vent.

A silver Pandora Bracelet with a few starter charms on it. It has cost about £200. I don't like Pandora bracelets, I never have. I mean I don't hate them, they are fine if you like that sort of thing, but I don't. They are now ubiquitous to the point of being a bit naff and If I'd wanted one I'd have got it 10 years ago, when they were all the rage. Confused

Family members clubbed together at the suggestion of my mum because a couple of women in my family have them and never seem to wear them anyway so my mum assumed I would like one too, without asking me or DH for opinions or other ideas, of which I had several.

I am notoriously difficult to buy for so a surprise thing to wear was always going to be risky. It's not that I missed out on a better present - I really don't care about that, I am just frustrated and embarrassed that they have spent so much money on something I have no interest in and it could so easily have been avoided. It makes me feel guilty knowing they will be expecting to see me wear it.

At the moment it looks pretty dull with just three fairly plain charms and I object to the amount money that needs to be spent to fill the bracelet to the point that it starts to look less dull. It's throwing good money after bad. It will cost hundreds and hundreds of pounds that I have no intention of spending.

And this is the worst bit. My mother said she will always know what to get me for Christmas and birthdays from now on and she can suggest to my DH and my kids that they can buy me more charms, so that's them investing around between 50 to 75 quid a time in this bloody thing that i don't want, every Christmas and birthday for the next few years. Sad

And the only way I can halt it is by being honest, hurting her feelings and annoying my siblings by seeming ungrateful.

It's a dilemma. If I don't wear it she will ask why and feel hurt. If I do wear it they will think I love it and keep buying me charms. I can't win!

OP posts:
Mishaps · 26/04/2016 15:46

Unless you are desperate to have future gifts just stick the charms on and bequeath it to someone. By the time you die it might be worth a fortune!

SleepyBoBo · 26/04/2016 15:48

Goodness me, you're not being ungrateful - it's ok not to like a present. Reminds me of one of my birthdays, where every member of my family bought me chocolate, because they couldn't think of anything better (they all got it together so not like it was a 'oops moment', the same family who loved pointing out how I'm bigger than any of them). I always ask 'difficult' people (especially adults) what they want, to avoid situations like this. Obviously it will be an ongoing issue since they will essentially just buy you the same thing for every special occasion from now on. I think you might have to either tell them straight or make up a small lie (like allergy), otherwise charms will be all you get forever more.

BarbaraofSeville · 26/04/2016 15:48

This is why people shouldn't buy expensive presents for adults. A token is fine - what on earth is wrong with nice wine, chocolates or flowers FFS?

It's not 'better than nothing'. At least if they had got you nothing you wouldn't be feeling sick with guilt for not liking it.

I would hate a pandora bracelet too. And you're right, all you're going to get from everyone for years to come are more charms for it. So more guilt and more money wasted.

Adults don't need expensive presents. They can buy their own stuff and surely most people want to choose their own things?

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 26/04/2016 15:48

It could be worse.. my dad forgot my Mum's 40th, then three days later bought her a second-hand vomit-coloured bike with no gears. Knowing full well she couldn't cycle.

They are no longer married...

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 26/04/2016 15:50

(But yanbu - unwanted gift guilt is awful...)

OliviaBenson · 26/04/2016 15:54

Jesus, this would be my worst nightmare. I hate them. It wouldn't be so bad if they weren't so expensive, they seem such a waste of money to me.I think you need to be honest. Even if you offend and they only buy you token gifts from now on its got to be better than them spending lots of money every year on something you hate.

I'm sure it will be one of those things you laugh about in the future op.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/04/2016 15:56

Do you have a DD? Is she old enough to wear it? Perhaps you could pass it on to her, and say that it wasn't really your sort of thing, so you've given it to DD, but you'd rather she didn't have any more charms on it as it would make it too risky for her to wear...

If you don't have a DD that isn't going to work of course.

I'd be upset too, tbh; it doesn't take much to check in with your DH at least regarding what you'd like for your birthday!

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/04/2016 15:57

Take the charms off and wear it completely plain, saying that the charms annoy you but the bracelet is lovely maybe?

Honestly if my mum had indicated that not only would she be buying me charms for every present coming but would be suggesting it to other people too I would have to tell her the truth. I couldn't bear that sort of expenditure every year for something so pointless.

You probably need to give her something she can do every year though - it seems like she latched on to this because you are difficult to buy for. So perhaps you need to suggest something - even if it's just money to [your favourite charity] in your name so you can feel good about it everyday, than on something that won't see the light of day.

RabbitSaysWoof · 26/04/2016 15:59

I hate presents. I hate feeling guilty for not wanting to wear something I would not choose in a million years. My Mum just gets me money or vouchers now.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 26/04/2016 16:00

My heart would sink too.

But I do think it is a little antisocial to be consciously 'hard to buy for'. If you know you are hard to buy for, what you're actually doing is accepting that your family, who love you, will be agonising over what to buy all the time. It's good manners, IMO, to drop heavy hints about something you do like, that's easy to buy. Surely it's not that difficult to figure out a few things you could put up with someone else buying for you - flowers? food? books? claim develop a 'thing' for wine and be excited when they get you some?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 26/04/2016 16:00

I get you op. It's the triple kicker of the unwanted gift, the waste of money and the realisation that they don't really know you. Fwiw I'd tell your dh the truth and also see if I could swap it for something else.

If I could swap it I'd get something that can't be added to like a pair of earrings and make up an excuse that the bracelet rubbed on my wrist.

If I couldn't swap it I'd probably eBay it Blush and buy something else.

Just in case anyone's wondering I like wine but not rose or fizzy thank you. Or babysitting for the kids.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 26/04/2016 16:01

Adults don't need expensive presents. They can buy their own stuff and surely most people want to choose their own things?

Sort of agree - but I like to buy presents for people that they wouldn't buy for themselves. Indulgences. You have to get it right though!!

gleam · 26/04/2016 16:02

I like to think I'd be honest about it and let my family know it just wasn't my cup of tea.

In reality I'd go with the pp's idea of it irritating my skin and exchanging it.

museumum · 26/04/2016 16:03

Tell her that you love it but it's too heavy/jangly/catches on stuff and you just can't wear it Sad

Heidi42 · 26/04/2016 16:04

You want to thank your lucky stars you didn't get hedgehog slippers !

gleam · 26/04/2016 16:05

Supermoon - can you just tell people you have enough Swarovski now? I did this when people kept buying me ornaments.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 26/04/2016 16:05

My mother also buys badly because she hears you mention something then buys it. Or she buys stuff because she wants it. It can be very trying.

I say "ooh that's a lovely bracelet, where's that from?".

What I mean "I see you are wearing a bracelet. I don't think I've seen it before. I will mention it to be polite and because it's my turn to make small talk. I couldn't care less where it's from but I need to fill a few more seconds of conversation."

DM hears "ooh I love your bracelet and I want one just like it. Where can I get one?".

specialsubject · 26/04/2016 16:05

and this, boys and girls, is why surprise adult present buying needs to be stopped. Ask a grownup what they want for their birthday. And if they say 'thank you, but nothing', respect it!

1frenchfoodie · 26/04/2016 16:07

I would just be honest, because of the likelihood of getting charms forevermore. I was honest about a set of white pearls for my 30th and was able to find a younger, more contemporary necklace of grey pearls that respected the spirit of the present and that my family see me wear.

HereIAm20 · 26/04/2016 16:10

I got one too as a gift but changed it for a leather one (rather than the metal bracelet). I have 2 charms on it only! I wear it in Summer only as the leather ones are more casual. I have issued a no more charms edict!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 26/04/2016 16:12

I have a Pinterest page with stuff I'm lusting after but can't justify shelling out on "just because". So I'm dead easy. Just google my name and Pinterest family!

But no. There are awful scarves and cheap nasty handbags that people buy instead. Or they buy cosmetics I already have which (and this is totally bratty) I don't want another one because I was going to try a different brand/product/shade/scent when this one I've been using for two years runs out. And now I have MORE OF THE BLOODY STUFF TO USE UP AND I DONT EVEN LIKE IT ANY MORE

ijustwannadance · 26/04/2016 16:15

I would tell your DM or else end up with a jewellery box worth of pointless charms.
She hopefully still has the receipt. It is a lot of money to waste.

BarbaraofSeville · 26/04/2016 16:16

Exactly, Moving. When someone buys me some nasty Boots gift set, it's not a nice thoughtful gift. It's robbing me of the chance of choosing my own toiletries.

There was a thread on here about lovely showergel and a few types in Sainsbury's were mentioned and I went and had a look. But I couldn't bring myself to buy anything because I'm still trying to work my way through what I was bought at Christmas and I'm trying to have less stuff in the house not more.

NanaNina · 26/04/2016 16:20

I reckon honesty is the best policy but obviously being very sensitive. I like the "oh I like it plain - would spoil it with charms" but I think they'd still buy charms. If she has the receipt, could you go to the jewellers together to exchange it for something you like.

RoobyTuesday · 26/04/2016 16:20

Buying jewellery for someone else is always tricky - tastes in jewellery are rally personal, I think it's a bit like buying someone perfume that you have know idea of they like it. I think developing an allergy is the best soloution to save everyone's feelings and to stop anyone else buying you charms forever more.

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