To be thoroughly disappointed with my 40th birthday present?

[SpoiltUngratefulWretch]

Have name changed for this for obvious reasons.

I know IABU really but I just need to vent.

A silver Pandora Bracelet with a few starter charms on it. It has cost about £200. I don't like Pandora bracelets, I never have. I mean I don't hate them, they are fine if you like that sort of thing, but I don't. They are now ubiquitous to the point of being a bit naff and If I'd wanted one I'd have got it 10 years ago, when they were all the rage.

Family members clubbed together at the suggestion of my mum because a couple of women in my family have them and never seem to wear them anyway so my mum assumed I would like one too, without asking me or DH for opinions or other ideas, of which I had several.

I am notoriously difficult to buy for so a surprise thing to wear was always going to be risky. It's not that I missed out on a better present - I really don't care about that, I am just frustrated and embarrassed that they have spent so much money on something I have no interest in and it could so easily have been avoided. It makes me feel guilty knowing they will be expecting to see me wear it.

At the moment it looks pretty dull with just three fairly plain charms and I object to the amount money that needs to be spent to fill the bracelet to the point that it starts to look less dull. It's throwing good money after bad. It will cost hundreds and hundreds of pounds that I have no intention of spending.

And this is the worst bit. My mother said she will always know what to get me for Christmas and birthdays from now on and she can suggest to my DH and my kids that they can buy me more charms, so that's them investing around between 50 to 75 quid a time in this bloody thing that i don't want, every Christmas and birthday for the next few years.

And the only way I can halt it is by being honest, hurting her feelings and annoying my siblings by seeming ungrateful.

It's a dilemma. If I don't wear it she will ask why and feel hurt. If I do wear it they will think I love it and keep buying me charms. I can't win!

A tough predicament. I don't think you're being spoilt. There are leather pandora bracelets that are much cheaper and you can only wear a few charms on. Could you say the silver one is too heavy or make some excuse and could you exchange for a leather one? There's no way I could wear a heavy silver bracelet often, it'd clank on my laptop while typing! You could say you'd wear a leather one much more often and get much more use out of it. Then you can say they can't take many charms. Also the bracelet itself is much cheaper so you'd feel less guilty.

I think gift reciepts are shit. I will always give the proper receipt and make sure I pay cash so the gift receiver can get a full refund if necessary and get themselves something else so it isn't wasted. I also don't take offence if they do swap the gift!

I've got a couple of the leather bracelets (Mother'sDay!), one a dusky pink and another that's a sort of subtle Ivory, I guess. They're not bling or ostentatious at all and go well with a lot of casual wear. You can wear them without the charms, which is what I mostly do. Then you can just put the charms on once in a while, which is also what I do

It's a bit crap when you get a gift you don't like: always the feeling you'd like to say something because it's like a misjudgement of you as a person; never able to because obviously that's entitlement talking.

I wish I'd learned earlier on in life that one needs a stock response to this because it'll happen over and over again. Now I just think 'he/she thought it was good' or 'he/she's probably crap at buying presents and really nervous of the response' and kind of get on with the acting bit. Honestly, they should teach us how to deal with this in schools! Would save a lot of circular negative thinking.

As for the charms in future aspect, say you like it how it is and ask for some specific brand of high-end chocolates in plenty of time instead. Or choose something they can get you that is a series eg special editions of classic books or a line of decorative china (not my thing but you get the idea) - you will save everyone a lot of bother.

I'm with returning it too, don't think yabu, if you're going to buy a gift for someone which costs that much you should really be absolutely confident it is what they want, not what you assume. For my 30th, money was very tight so I said to my DH not to bother with a gift, which of course being a man he took literally so woke up (8 months preggers with child no.1) with not so much as a box of Matchmakers or a bunch of garage flowers. I did get a card. Sensing my disappointment (being a -ty birthday, somewhat special and different supposedly), he arrived home that evening with a gift - a plush tigger Christmas sack. So although a pandora bracelet is a beautiful gift to some, if it's not what you like/want, it may as well be a plush tigger Christmas sack.
I feel your pain.

You thank them for all the effort and planning that went into it as you really appreciate THAT, however it's not your style and you don't want to be disappointed by further presents in that style. Get a refund and go jewellery shopping with your mum for something you really want. Have a lovely day of it.

If future charm gifts and people wasting their money weren't on the cards I'd just be grateful. As it is, would go with allergy and return it whilst gently suggesting an alternative to dm, who seems to be stressed about buying for you.

One of my relatives always gets photos of the kids, family get togethers etc. printed into one of those Photobox or Boots photo books. I love this gift every Christmas because we never get around to printing photos ourselves.

I'm guessing someone bought the bracelet with a card so there will be proof of purchase? I'd come clean with your DM and ask her to go to the shop with you to exchange it.

If you are lucky they might have bought online in which case you can return, but it would have to be within 2 weeks of them buying it so you might be out of time.

You have my sympathy. My mil is big on the materials tradition for wedding anniversaries but takes it to the point of insanity. For our bronze anniversary we got a bottle of fake tan between us!! Wtf!! Complete waste of money - neither of us has ever worn fake tan!! It's our tin anniversary this year - I can't decide if it'll be Heinz beans or Ronseal I'll be having to muster up enthusiasm for!

Tell them.
My sibling smiles and nods then gives the hated presents to charity. I dislike this because I've gone to a lot of trouble and usually expense and wished i'd just been told what to buy to make someone happy because that's the point of a present.

Just tell them it is beautiful and thank them so much but sadly the weight and feel of the charm irritates your arm and you can't wear it, you would like to take it back and change for something else but you soooooo much appreciate the thought.

Then take t back to the shop and request a change to something you do like and will wear, like a ring or necklace (not another bracelet).

It would be made to allow relatives to spend good money on something you don't want.

I got a present I did not want for a significant birthday. I would never tell everyone I did not like it... but it didn't cost as much as yours and it doesn't have the never ending adding to factor.

It's such a shame, surprise presents are often a let down. Both in that they are not what you wanted and in that other people know you so little that they would buy what you would not want BUT the giving towards it is a sign of love and care and should be taken as such.

It would be mad to allow relatives ...

In case anyone thinks the bracelet 'hurting' or being an irritant is implausible I have two very light bracelets, one from my sister and one from my dd. I love them but cannot wear them! I use the computer for work and a lot at home. The way my wrists rest on the desk it is really uncomfortable to have anything around my wrist.

Also I had a charm bracelet with a spider on it (about 30 years ago) and it got snagged in things and scratched me.

Just be honest about not being able to wear it (real reason - you don;t like it, pretend reason - it's uncomfortable) and wear whatever you replace it with - a lot!

I think people buying you a present is a great gesture. It's not an entitlement. I have presents I don't necessarily like and I'm sure I have given some not liked as well. I appreciate the gesture behind the present not gift itself.

If you are worried about future huge expenditure on stuff you know before hand you don't want, just jokingly comment you would like something different rather than them been predictable with more charms.

As someone who has a reputation of being difficult to buy for - I'm not, buy me a book voucher - I have some sympathy here. Your family obviously knew there was a danger you wouldn't like the gift hence the gift receipt. Which you chucked in a fit of pique. That was your get out right there. Pandora do a massive range of jewellery. You wouldn't have got a refund but you could have changed it for something else. You have to be honest otherwise you're going to get a shed load of charms for every birthday, xmas, mothers day and anniversary to come for years and years and years. Because when you're 'difficult' to buy for, people will seize onto something they think you want like a sailor clinging to a lifeboat. You're stuck with the bracelet unless your mother has the original receipt and you're brave enough to ask her......

Throwing the gift recipt is the kinda thing I'ld do in an attempt to give myself a pep talk: "now lets just make the most of it and stop feeling gutted and being silly, try to wear it and enjoy it" - chuck recipt and resolve to appreciate and grow to love it …. wake up next morning thinking "WTF was I thinking, it's not fair to have them spending a fortune on future charms for me thinking I like them".. go downstairs to find bin taken out or not taken out but spag bol on top of receipt.. doh!

yeah. I'ld do something like that!

I'm also hard to buy for.. but I think in a way that makes me easier.. DH knows that I'ld rather a bunch of flowers and a nicely cooked meal than a wearable gift that misses the mark. So he's sorta off the hook, if there isn't something I'll definitely like just don't buy me anything but make a fuss of me on the day (nice breakie, outing etc)

Aarrgh, I hate people being told they are ungrateful in situations like this (have only read a few posts though!). This would give me the rage too. Our family has always been quite no holds barred about telling people what we like and don't like. I hate people 'wasting' money on things I will hate and never use.

So tell her. Be nice, be appreciative but tell her you do not want more charms and that you may well sell the bracelet if she's unable to return it. In fact, I think she's bought this gift for her own convenience so she 'always knows what to get you for Christmas' and that would hack me off.

DH returned jewellery for me before because I knew I would never wear it.

Wait, hang on a minute. You threw out a gift receipt?! Which by definition meant you could return or exchange?! Sorry OP, that was stupid in the extreme!

don't wear it for their benefit
inevitably other people will see you wearing it and get you the charms

I was once given a small Jacques Vettriano print by a relative. It was very much NOT to my taste, but I thought I'd better display it so as not to seem ungrateful. An eagle-eyed friend spotted it, but didn't mention anything. For my next birthday she clubbed together with three other friends to get me two, much larger JV prints, "because she'd noticed that I like his work".

It can work the other way too.

More than one relative has taken the lack of ornaments and other similar tat in our house as 'we need more ornaments' and bought us all sorts of crap that has generally gone straight to the charity shop or is languishing in the loft.

Why does it not occur to them that the reason we don't have any ornaments is because we don't like them .

Your mother sounds like mine.

My SIL is lucky we bought her present together because my mother wanted to buy something different than what she usually wears to suit my mother's taste.

They know you, but think you should have their taste.

Can't you find the gift receipt from your recycling bin and return the bracelet? If your relatives ask where the bracelet is, say that the chain the bracelet was on kept catching the hairs on your arm so you returned it. Otherwise tell your mother this is why you're asking her for the actual receipt so that you can return it. Tell them that you appreciate the thought that went into the gift but that it really isn't something that you would wear or use.
Pandora do necklaces and earrings too (in case that may help soften the blow to the family) and you'll take a look at those when you return the bracelet.

For DH 40th birthday I got us a sitting with a photographer and a voucher for something like 500 euro for whatever pictures we wanted framed. For my 40th birthday, I got a laminate piece of A4 paper saying that I had received an overnight stay in any 5* hotel I would like. I was most deflated by that as I really thought it was short of writing something on the back of an envelope and handing that to me. Luckily my SIL (plural) sorted out their brother for me. Sorry to those that posted they got awful presents too.

I got my sister 40 presents for her 40th......I had a scarf for mine!

Adults don't need expensive presents. They can buy their own stuff and surely most people want to choose their own things? I agree with this as well - or at least if I wanted to spend that much on someone for a special birthday I would ask for a list of suggestions from them first to ensure they got something they really wanted. I think of Pandora as beeing for girls in their teen and twenties really. I sympathise with you OP as my mum has form for this, except everything she buys is from charity shops and it's old or falling apart but she doesn't care as it was a 'bargain'. I don't think I've ever had a decent present from her my entire life but I've just come to accept it and quietly dispose of it. A few weeks ago she asked my sister, who's just moved house, if she would like a (very cheap, stick-on) mirror for her bathroom. My sister very politely said no thank you but my mum bought it for her anyway. It's a control thing. I told my sister she should have no qualms whatsoever about not using the mirror. Tell your children and partner no charms and wear it when your mum's around?

OP DH bought me a very expensive piece of jewellery for my 40th. It was beautiful, but one aspect was not quite right, but changeable IYSWIM. I knew I wouldn't want to wear it in its original design and I also knew he'd spent a small fortune on it and would be expecting to see it on. I posted on here (under a name change) and got a few "you're so ungrateful, I had to make my own b'day card" posts but for the most part some v constructive suggestions. Anyway, I bit the bullet and told DH, we went and had it altered and now it's perfect. He was pleased that I'd told him. Thank your mum and relatives, but just say it's not really your taste, but that you'd love to exchange it for something else that would make you think of them all when you wear it