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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thoroughly disappointed with my 40th birthday present?

223 replies

SpoiltUngratefulWretch · 26/04/2016 15:28

Have name changed for this for obvious reasons. Blush

I know IABU really but I just need to vent.

A silver Pandora Bracelet with a few starter charms on it. It has cost about £200. I don't like Pandora bracelets, I never have. I mean I don't hate them, they are fine if you like that sort of thing, but I don't. They are now ubiquitous to the point of being a bit naff and If I'd wanted one I'd have got it 10 years ago, when they were all the rage. Confused

Family members clubbed together at the suggestion of my mum because a couple of women in my family have them and never seem to wear them anyway so my mum assumed I would like one too, without asking me or DH for opinions or other ideas, of which I had several.

I am notoriously difficult to buy for so a surprise thing to wear was always going to be risky. It's not that I missed out on a better present - I really don't care about that, I am just frustrated and embarrassed that they have spent so much money on something I have no interest in and it could so easily have been avoided. It makes me feel guilty knowing they will be expecting to see me wear it.

At the moment it looks pretty dull with just three fairly plain charms and I object to the amount money that needs to be spent to fill the bracelet to the point that it starts to look less dull. It's throwing good money after bad. It will cost hundreds and hundreds of pounds that I have no intention of spending.

And this is the worst bit. My mother said she will always know what to get me for Christmas and birthdays from now on and she can suggest to my DH and my kids that they can buy me more charms, so that's them investing around between 50 to 75 quid a time in this bloody thing that i don't want, every Christmas and birthday for the next few years. Sad

And the only way I can halt it is by being honest, hurting her feelings and annoying my siblings by seeming ungrateful.

It's a dilemma. If I don't wear it she will ask why and feel hurt. If I do wear it they will think I love it and keep buying me charms. I can't win!

OP posts:
Moxxygirl · 27/04/2016 13:30

Hang onto it , but say that you prefer the minimalist look as far as charms concerned, so don't want any more .

Sproughty · 27/04/2016 13:34

Furry the only reason my mum gave me the gift receipt was because she wasn't sure she'd bought the right size of bangle.

usernamealreadytaken · 27/04/2016 13:39

I feel your pain! I think honesty is the best policy, in the most tactful way possible..."I know that you bought it with love and best intentions but I really don't think I'll wear it, but I would love a new purple scarf from Zara..." or something along those lines.

As an aside, I was given a Pandora bracelet as a surprise 40th present from a lovely friend completely unexpectedly. Had never thought about it before, but now I get a new charm or two every birthday/Christmas from DCs/DH and I love it, I wear it every day not at all helpful sorry

And to add to the mix, I am also extremely difficult to buy for because, as an adult, I do tend to just get what I need and I'm not terribly frivolous. However, DH asked what I would like for my 40th and I was very very specific, even sending him a link to the 18" Tiffany necklace and pendant I fell in love with. When he gave me the 16" Tiffany necklace I was a little very disappointed; why bother asking me ten times what I wanted and then not quite buying it? I really hated being so ungrateful, but it seemed magnified by thinking I would get what I wanted. This was after he specifically wanted a particular musical instrument, and a very specific model, for his 50th (nothing else would do, no variation) and he got that exact present :-( I felt stupidly unimportant and undervalued, and would really rather he hadn't bothered, but then felt awfully guilty because he had at least tried.

Sproughty · 27/04/2016 13:44

And to address the comments about my being hard to buy for, it is true that I have quite exacting tastes, especially where things that are worn or displayed are concerned, but I am not generally impossible to please. I love my garden which is huge so a new special tree for the garden would have been great. I love books and book vouchers, high end kitchen stuff, perfume and cosmetics, good quality toiletries not cheap ones massages and spa days etc and without wishing to out myself there are one or two things I collect and am always in the market for more of. I do wear jewellery but is tends to be rather different in style to Pandora. Hence I was a bit bewildered by the Pandora thing because anyone who knows me well will know I am full of very specific suggestions. They just never asked. Confused

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/04/2016 13:45

Oh whoops OP - namechange fail - contact MNHQ immediately to try and get that sorted!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/04/2016 13:48

username - I totally understand that! I showed DH the scarf I wanted, pointed it out to him, probably even touched it to make sure. He bought something from that stall, there was a nice soft parcel under the Christmas tree with my name on it - imagine my utter dismay when it was not only completely the wrong scarf, but one that would be more suited to Grandma Buggins than me! I was so upset, not only that he'd ignored/ not taken enough notice of my specific request, but also that he thought the one he'd picked was in any way appropriate to me. :(

Luckily I was able to exchange it for the one I wanted when the shops reopened.

usernamealreadytaken · 27/04/2016 13:54

Thumb glad you got the right one in the end! After I mentioned it, DH bought me a new chain, which is the right size but still detracts from the delight of the original gift (and isn't Tiffany - I'm not generally materialistic but I wanted a matching set!!). I really don't know how I could have been any more specific, so I have since bought myself several gifts and just slipped them to him and told him to put them away for the appropriate occasion! I hate people wasting money on buying me something and then having to feel grateful when it's really not something for me, I really would rather have nothing than have somebody spend their hard-earned on something random. We're not well off, and I just see it as such a waste :-(

Sproughty · 27/04/2016 13:57

CubicZirconia you are exactly right, I did sort of make a show of liking it in front of my mum because I was a bit like a fb it caught in the headlights and didn't really know how else to react. I didn't go totally OTT though so I was hoping she'd say 'you can change it if you like' but she didn't. She just said the gift receipt was there in case it was the wrong size, which it clearly wasn't. I had no idea they even sold simple earrings or anything else, I just assumed I was doomed.

Sproughty · 27/04/2016 13:58

Rabbit that should have said

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/04/2016 14:02

It is much easier to just get it yourself, isn't it Username

OP - you're still posting under your other name - unless you have a new one?

Sproughty · 27/04/2016 14:03

Thankfully Thumb this a brand new nc with nothing to identify me either, but thanks for the heads up! Blush

Sproughty · 27/04/2016 14:04

It was indeed an accident!

iMogster · 27/04/2016 14:07

I would also hate a Pandora bracelet and the 'threat' of charms for years to come.

When I was 30, my workmates all got together and bought me a bracelet full of charms. I hate loose or jangling bracelets. Even my watch is tight to my wrist. I was using a mouse all day at work and couldn't possibly have it jangling onto the desk all the time. I re gifted it, easier as not family. My boss said 'you have lots of earrings and necklaces, so got you a bracelet as a change as you don't have any'. The reason I don't have any...yeah!

For my 40th, some friends bought me a beautiful silver necklace with 4 little rings on, one for each decade. I love it. Phew!

TigerLily666 · 27/04/2016 14:10

Really not worth upsetting everyone by being honest about it. just tell everyone you don't want any more charms for it as you prefer the simpler / cleaner look.

And in future give everyone in your family your wish list well in advance of xmas / birthdays. Avoids these hideous moments.

I got a surprise family meal for my 40th - including MiL who I don't get on with ...

motormummy · 27/04/2016 14:16

There is another possibility if you can't bring yourself to have the awkward conversation... I also dread receiving one of those bracelets as both my DIL's have them. My strategy might be to use it for Christmas, and say you would like to make it a Christmas themed bracelet. That might minimise the number of possible additions and I've got to admit I quite liked the reindeer and snowflakes lol. And then back in the drawer for 11 months?

Arborea · 27/04/2016 14:18

Got to agree OP, you need to meet them halfway by telling them what you would appreciate. It's a bit unreasonable to expect them to read your mind.

umizoomi · 27/04/2016 14:23

YANBU to say it's not your taste
YABU and highly offensive to say Pandora is naff, you sound a right snooty cow.

You say you are hard to buy for, your mum has presumably thought you like jewellery, Pandora is expensive and she thought she was doing a nice thing.

I think 3 charms will look quite simple as its not too chunky or why don't you swap the silver bracelet for one of the leather ones and keep the 3 charms then it's a more subtle look.

umizoomi · 27/04/2016 14:23

YANBU to say it's not your taste
YABU and highly offensive to say Pandora is naff, you sound a right snooty cow.

You say you are hard to buy for, your mum has presumably thought you like jewellery, Pandora is expensive and she thought she was doing a nice thing.

I think 3 charms will look quite simple as its not too chunky or why don't you swap the silver bracelet for one of the leather ones and keep the 3 charms then it's a more subtle look.

greedygorb · 27/04/2016 14:29

Ask to return it and buy something else from there.Some earrings or a ring. Then at least you'll not have to get charms forever. I got a lovely ring in there though I hate the charms.
I feel for you- it's horrible having to wear jewellery that you hate just because someone bought it for you. My MIL does it all the time and then asks me to put it (the old lady necklaces and brooches) on. It's a bit like getting a meh haircut. You know it will grow out and noone else cares but ridiculously it makes you want to weep.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/04/2016 14:30

Phew! Glad it's a new one :)

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/04/2016 14:36

I was given travel hair straighteners for my birthday. Just after all my hair had fallen out due to chemo.

Seriously Tango?

Lpel · 27/04/2016 14:47

Pandora are very good at exchange and refunds. You might like one of their necklaces, earrings etc. If you're stuck with it say you love it but like the look of it with just the three charms and wouldn't want any more. What did you hope to receive?

DrasticAction · 27/04/2016 15:02

Op I do feel for you, and the whole shebang but I also wonder if you should be honest in the most gentle way possible and simply get something you do like...I think this would be the best option I would want to know myself if I had got my DD something she hated this much....but then I know MIL would be mortally wounded by this.

or look on the gift in a totally different way!?

Can you ignore the make and bracelet and just see it for the loving gift its meant to be? Value it for that alone? I dont want to sound all woo and I only got a lump of coal....its just if your not going to say anything you have to accept it, and bear in mind, ME, its my 40th this year and I have not got a mother to buy me any gift DF is too old, DH is useless so I know I literally wont get a gift at all.

I don't expect one either, ( of course I would love to be presented with some lovely jewellery) but its not going to happen. I am not wild about pandora either, but I would treasure that gift, for the love and thought behind it because I literally dont have a single person to think like that for me. No one will be racking their brains wondering what to get me.

( and now I feel all sorry for myself Sad) but I am not really as I have some lovely things planned. Tell her or train your brain.

kelda · 27/04/2016 15:21

DrasticAction I agree. They put thought behind it, an expensive piece of jewellery, the design of which is very popular, so they probably thought it was a safe bet. I would be very touched by that.

I just don't think it's worth potentially upsetting all the gift-givers by expressing dislike.

totalrecall1 · 27/04/2016 15:30

Really hard one, totally get where you are coming from. I would tell them it wass a lovely thought but I probably won't wear it and swap it for something else. Or just swap it and don't tell them