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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be thoroughly disappointed with my 40th birthday present?

223 replies

SpoiltUngratefulWretch · 26/04/2016 15:28

Have name changed for this for obvious reasons.

I know IABU really but I just need to vent.

A silver Pandora Bracelet with a few starter charms on it. It has cost about £200. I don't like Pandora bracelets, I never have. I mean I don't hate them, they are fine if you like that sort of thing, but I don't. They are now ubiquitous to the point of being a bit naff and If I'd wanted one I'd have got it 10 years ago, when they were all the rage.

Family members clubbed together at the suggestion of my mum because a couple of women in my family have them and never seem to wear them anyway so my mum assumed I would like one too, without asking me or DH for opinions or other ideas, of which I had several.

I am notoriously difficult to buy for so a surprise thing to wear was always going to be risky. It's not that I missed out on a better present - I really don't care about that, I am just frustrated and embarrassed that they have spent so much money on something I have no interest in and it could so easily have been avoided. It makes me feel guilty knowing they will be expecting to see me wear it.

At the moment it looks pretty dull with just three fairly plain charms and I object to the amount money that needs to be spent to fill the bracelet to the point that it starts to look less dull. It's throwing good money after bad. It will cost hundreds and hundreds of pounds that I have no intention of spending.

And this is the worst bit. My mother said she will always know what to get me for Christmas and birthdays from now on and she can suggest to my DH and my kids that they can buy me more charms, so that's them investing around between 50 to 75 quid a time in this bloody thing that i don't want, every Christmas and birthday for the next few years.

And the only way I can halt it is by being honest, hurting her feelings and annoying my siblings by seeming ungrateful.

It's a dilemma. If I don't wear it she will ask why and feel hurt. If I do wear it they will think I love it and keep buying me charms. I can't win!

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/04/2016 02:41

Now there's an idea - you could develop tennis elbow and be unable to wear it ever because it's too heavy!

JohnThomas69 · 27/04/2016 05:34

It's the thought that counts. Never a truer saying than this. Letting negative feelings be known by the recipient of gifts is not a good look. Ever. As most others do, just 'forget' to wear it. They'll get the message eventually and it's far kinder than rejecting on receipt. This tactic has never failed me. I know of another who passes judgement on presents he gets. Makes him look like an overgrown child.

FurryMint · 27/04/2016 09:09

Oh dear, you missed you chance there. Big they gave you a GIFT RECEIPT then they were telling you that it would have been OK to take it back. Your Mum obviously thought there was a chance you would t like it. I'd call her and explain, she might have a full receipt.

FurryMint · 27/04/2016 09:09

Oh dear, you missed you chance there. When they gave you a GIFT RECEIPT then they were telling you that it would have been OK to take it back. Your Mum obviously thought there was a chance you would t like it. I'd call her and explain, she might have a full receipt.

sianihedgehog · 27/04/2016 09:35

I'm with Robins, being consciously hard to buy for as an adult is inconsiderate. If you know people want to buy you things but that you are very fussy for God's sakes set up an Amazon wishlist, or drop heavy hints, or get your DP to inform relatives of suitable gifts.

As far as the bracelet goes, saying you are allergic is a great excuse. Also "I wear a watch on my left and found that it hurt my wrist while using the computer mouse on my right". Otoh, if you never get gifts that you like ANYWAYS, why not just wear it when you see the relatives and be glad that you're all free of the stress of worrying about what to buy?

Pootles2010 · 27/04/2016 09:52

Oh god unwanted gifts. My entire family think i love cath kidston - my sister once bought me a bag, then everyone decided as i had a bag i must love all her stuff - i have wallets, bags, books, glasses cases - feckin hate the stuff! And of course the more stuff they buy, the more everyone else goes 'oh Pootles must bloody love cath kidston'.

Can't say owt now, its too late.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/04/2016 09:52

But why insist on buying stuff for people sian? There really is no need. Consumables like chocolates or alcohol or flowers are more than enough for presents, as long as you know what type the person likes.

For clothes, accessories, toiletries, gadgets, I want to research and choose my own, buy them when I need them rather than waiting for birthday or Christmas or risk the item selling out etc.

There's no pointing saying 'buy me X item from Y shop'. Once I have specified what I want, I might as well just go ahead and buy it.

That's not being inconsiderate or fussy, it's called being an adult with your own money, which is a position that most people are in.

The OP doesn't say anything about desperately wanting or needing a Pandora bracelet but not being able to afford one.

Glamorousglitter · 27/04/2016 09:54

I m with a lot of posters who say it s not that the thought isn't appreciated but if the gift is wrong, particularly when it s expensive, it s such a difficult spot isn't it.
I m notoriously difficult to buy for, I give wish lists to dh and family at Christmas, yet they still go 'off piste ' and get me 'surprises' (Miranda tickets anyone ?? Just not my taste), I hate to see the waste of gifts and money like that. I m not sure I d have the ability to tell them I d like to exchange it, but I would be spectacularly disappointed that they
A) thought I liked said present .....
B) didn't know me that well, or didn't bother to think about my style/ taste etc, or knew I wouldn't be that into it and got it anyway, or just didn't bother checking if I would like it - there are lots of ways to sneakily check if I would have liked said objects

C) ignored said list boight gift I wouldn't like - it s like a cursory per functionary gesture. It s not the amount but the lack of thought.

Glamorousglitter · 27/04/2016 09:55

C) ignored said list boight gift I wouldn't like - it s like a cursory per functionary gesture. It s not the amount but the lack of thought.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/04/2016 09:59

And because we're all too bloody polite to commit the enormous faux pas that it being honest, people get into situations like Pootles where it is not the done thing to say you don't like something hideous like anything produced by Cath fucking Kidson so people don't realise that and think 'I can get Pootles some Cath Kidson stuff, job done' because they feel obliged to buy her a present, that she doesn't actually want or need.

When we last moved house, I made the mistake of putting Molton Brown hand wash in the bathroom and MIL and SIL saw it and thought 'Barbara likes Molton Brown' I can buy it for her for Christmas, which they did for about the next five years.

This saddened me greatly because I think it is a massive waste of money and MIL in particular is not well off and I felt really guilty that she thought that she had to spend such a ridiculous amount of money when I would have been just as happy with handwash and cream from supermarkets at a quarter of the price or less.

dolkapots · 27/04/2016 10:05

Pootles I love CK so please sell your unwanted things to me at half price!

I'm shocked at the responses; fermenting resent, silently seething etc. It's a present fgs, surely manners dictate that you say thank you and then put it in a drawer and bring it out when your DM is visiting? In years to come you will laugh about it.

OP you seem very level headed but YABU in calling people lazy present buyers whilst you admit you are notoriously difficult to buy for. Your poor DM probably thinks she has got it right. To me that is the real gift. If it really matters to you then you will have to explicitly tell people in future what you want.

Just to add I get some really inappropriate presents, such as smellies that I am allergic to (the aunt has been told before but must have forgotten as I get them at every occasion) but it isn't hard to smile and say thank you and then drop off in a charity shop, where they will benefit and someone who likes it will buy it. That is a win-win situation for me.

Pootles2010 · 27/04/2016 10:08

Exactly it Barbara. Reminds me of that kimmy schmidt quote 'I'm always amazed at what women will do to avoid being seen as rude'.

Applied to a woman staying in a bunker for 15 years rather than having some cath kidston stuff in fairness, but still...

ijustwannadance · 27/04/2016 10:10

Difficult to buy for does not mean impossible.
I don't wear jewellery or perfume and am allergic to a lot of things so luckily I no longer get toiletries.
I often received chocs but have had to cut down sugar so now that option is out.
I also don't like pointless waste or when people think expensive over thoughtful or give you something they themselves like.

I still get lovely gifts of family and friends who know me well enough to know what I would like or who simply ask if I need anything. My DP bought me a karcher window vac for xmas. Other people thought it was a shit gift but I bloody love it!

FurryMint · 27/04/2016 10:13

The OPs Mum gave a GIFT RECIEPT, she wouldn't have done so if she didn't mind the OP returning the gift.

Heavens2Betsy · 27/04/2016 10:23

Well I love my Pandora bracelet!!! DP bought it for me when we met and my kids and family have all bought me some beautiful charms over the years BUT it is so uncomfortable to wear. It rubs my wrist and digs in so I don't wear it very often and when I do I'm terrified of dropping it or losing it.

Reminds me of when I was young my Mum had an eternal beau tea set from my granny which she said she loved so every year we bought her something from that range. Seriously our house was full of it. She only told me recently that she hated the bloody stuff and was too polite to tell anyone.

dolkapots · 27/04/2016 10:25

Ijust i once got tea towels as a present and loved them! I do appreciate a nice practical gift

Littlelondoner · 27/04/2016 10:26

Say the bracelets too big or small you want to exhange it...then be like these earings or rings or whatever caught my eye instead.

randomer · 27/04/2016 10:28

possibly they have thinking of themselves here and not you....maybe that is the hurt?

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 27/04/2016 10:28

I absolutely hate them so yanbu..Id probably admit it in a very gentle way. I'd say I had one years ago that was just a cheap costume one and the charms drove me insane I'm so sorry I really appreciate the thought that went in to it though.

ExConstance · 27/04/2016 10:35

A bit of a compromise? I have a troll beads bracelet that I really like, it has 9 beads on it and I really don't like to see them stuffed with beads so that you loose sight of the rather beautiful individual ones. Could you get a couple of beads to add cheaply - maybe ebay? the you could tell all your relations that you don't like them any fuller and not to buy beads. Alternatively you could get a necklace chain and wear them on that and say the bracelet is too fiddly for you.

ElBandito · 27/04/2016 10:35

You had a gift receipt! Face, palm moment.

Spandexpants007 · 27/04/2016 10:37

That gift would be my idea of hell

ijustwannadance · 27/04/2016 10:37

dolkapots I love practical presents too. Although I did get a face off my mum when I asked for a fireplace cover that blocks out the draft from the chimney. .

Eliza22 · 27/04/2016 10:45

I got one as a birthday gift. I love it because my sister bought it at a time when she was struggling financially and it means a lot to me. I'm not into the charms either. I have put plain "stoppers" on mine and several silver and pewter coloured (brushed silver) plain balls on it. It looks lovely, not typically "Pandora-ish" and I love it.

You can't help not liking it but... A gift IS a gift?

Tangofandango · 27/04/2016 10:47

I was given travel hair straighteners for my birthday. Just after all my hair had fallen out due to chemo.

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