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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thoroughly disappointed with my 40th birthday present?

223 replies

SpoiltUngratefulWretch · 26/04/2016 15:28

Have name changed for this for obvious reasons. Blush

I know IABU really but I just need to vent.

A silver Pandora Bracelet with a few starter charms on it. It has cost about £200. I don't like Pandora bracelets, I never have. I mean I don't hate them, they are fine if you like that sort of thing, but I don't. They are now ubiquitous to the point of being a bit naff and If I'd wanted one I'd have got it 10 years ago, when they were all the rage. Confused

Family members clubbed together at the suggestion of my mum because a couple of women in my family have them and never seem to wear them anyway so my mum assumed I would like one too, without asking me or DH for opinions or other ideas, of which I had several.

I am notoriously difficult to buy for so a surprise thing to wear was always going to be risky. It's not that I missed out on a better present - I really don't care about that, I am just frustrated and embarrassed that they have spent so much money on something I have no interest in and it could so easily have been avoided. It makes me feel guilty knowing they will be expecting to see me wear it.

At the moment it looks pretty dull with just three fairly plain charms and I object to the amount money that needs to be spent to fill the bracelet to the point that it starts to look less dull. It's throwing good money after bad. It will cost hundreds and hundreds of pounds that I have no intention of spending.

And this is the worst bit. My mother said she will always know what to get me for Christmas and birthdays from now on and she can suggest to my DH and my kids that they can buy me more charms, so that's them investing around between 50 to 75 quid a time in this bloody thing that i don't want, every Christmas and birthday for the next few years. Sad

And the only way I can halt it is by being honest, hurting her feelings and annoying my siblings by seeming ungrateful.

It's a dilemma. If I don't wear it she will ask why and feel hurt. If I do wear it they will think I love it and keep buying me charms. I can't win!

OP posts:
RoobyTuesday · 26/04/2016 16:20

Buying jewellery for someone else is always tricky - tastes in jewellery are really personal, I think it's a bit like buying someone perfume that if have know idea whether they like it. I think developing an allergy is the best solution to save everyone's feelings and to stop anyone else buying you charms forever more.

chillycurtains · 26/04/2016 16:21

Supermoon's post is the reason that you need to be honest at the very least with your immediate family and even your siblings perhaps. Then if you get a charm from your DM every year but not everyone else then it's not the end of the world. If your children or DH think you like then you will end up with loads of charms and it will be your money or your DC's money that buy them.

toastandbutterandjam · 26/04/2016 16:21

Did they give you a gift receipt by any chance?
I got my mum a Pandora bracelet (she wanted one) but I got a gift receipt because the bracelets come in sizes and I wasn't sure the size I got for my mum was right.

Could you say it doesn't fit?

I do have to agree with you on the cost though. My mum loves their charms, but they are so expensive!

Rachel0Greep · 26/04/2016 16:24

Could you exchange it for a chain or ring? I like some Pandora stuff but the charm bracelet wouldn't really be my taste either, and I would hate to think of people spending more money on it buy on charms, when they are not your taste.

Rachel0Greep · 26/04/2016 16:24

...buying...not buy on...

YogaDrone · 26/04/2016 16:25

I'd hate that too OP. What a waste of money.

I thought my 40th present was poor, but then I saw Venus' post!

My 40th present was a printer. A multi-function printer. I would have been disappointed anyway, but I was even more disappointed as I already had a multi-function printer that worked perfectly well.

If my 50th gift isn't better (he has some years to think of something!) then I'm LTB for sure Grin

Helloitsme88 · 26/04/2016 16:26

Yanbu I hate pandora. I hate the concept. I hate the expense. Sorry but a bloody charm every birthday xmas etc. No.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 26/04/2016 16:28

Return it. I don't get this "you have to wear it, it was a gift" bollocks. It was an ill thought it gift from somebody who assumed you wanted one because they all have one too. It was lazy.

MyLocal · 26/04/2016 16:30

sell it on e-bay and pretend you lost it?

expatinscotland · 26/04/2016 16:31

I'd have to be honest.

CandyFlossBrain · 26/04/2016 16:36

Oh God yes, you have to say something. One unwanted gift is fine, it happens to all of us, but an unwanted gift for every birthday, anniversary and Christmas for LIFE?

Run your wrist till it's a bit red and tell her you seem to be allergic to it...

PoohBearsHole · 26/04/2016 16:38

The thought is lovely. Everyone loves getting a gift don't they? Especially to mark a special birthday.

That's where I stop though. I get iffy at christmas if someone goes off the "list", not because I am bratty but because I don't want them wasting good money on something that I can't see us as a family ever using . Your bracelet is a case in point. And at xmas I am talking £20-30 not £200 Shock, its the wasteful aspect of things that I just can't get over - spending money for the sake of it! I was recently asked what I would like for my birthday (not 40 anymore Sad) and asked if someone would get me some flowers. I never buy myself a really nice bunch of flowers because it seems excessive and wasteful but it is something I would love to have and therefore in my eyes makes a lovely gift. I didn't get flowers Sad just more random tea light holders (which I could actually start my own shop selling as we have so many).

My point is, it would be honest and say that its a lovely gift but not really your thing and you would like something far simpler.

wol1968 · 26/04/2016 16:38

Ask a grownup what they want for their birthday. And if they say 'thank you, but nothing', respect it!

Trouble is, there are many so-called 'grown-ups' (generally one's DM or DMIL) who, having troubled to say the above, will then get all upset when they don't get anything for their birthday as requested!

There's a fantasy around giving and receiving gifts that can be really hard to let go of - the romance of waking up Christmas morning/birthday morning and opening something that you didn't realise you really wanted but is just perfect, or being the giver who thinks of that special gift for that special someone who didn't realise he/she wanted it but again it's just perfect. Of course real life isn't really like that, especially as you get older. I think if you approach the conversation about your present from this angle, and realise that this is the fantasy they're working from and that to some extent you'll be treading on dreams, you may be able to deal with this sensitively. Best of luck.

Sparklingsky · 26/04/2016 16:41

YABNU I agree with the - you like it 'simple' - and more charms would 'ruin it' approach. There may be a time when you remember the thought fondly, with a chuckle at how hopeless a gift buyer she was! (You might even identify someone from the family you could pass onto the at a later date. 😆)

pigsDOfly · 26/04/2016 16:46

This is tricky but if they're planning on spending £££££ on more charms you have to say something.

Exh family clubbed together to buy DS a very expensive chunky gold watch for one of his early teenage birthdays. If they'd known him at all they would have known it was completely not his type of thing. But they wanted to buy something expensive and this was what they chose.

He's in his mid 30s now and I know he's never ever had it on his wrist. Such a shame and such a waste of money.

waterrat · 26/04/2016 16:47

Be honest
Otherwise it will haunt you !

EweAreHere · 26/04/2016 16:48

Be honest. Gentle, kind, but honest.

If you can't be honest without repercussions with your mother about something that can end up costing so much money for everyone! your relationship wasn't that great to begin with.

momb · 26/04/2016 16:48

YANBU to be disappointed: I would be too.
YWBVU to ever let your Mum know. You say that you are very difficult to buy for and this means she can choose something for you every Christmas and birthday with not too much stress. Think of it as a gift for her.
Tell your DH quietly never to buy you a charm and put it away, bringing it out on your DMs birthday only.

DippyHippy2016 · 26/04/2016 16:48

Flog it on eBay buy something you like.

lorelei9here · 26/04/2016 16:49

is it too late to return it?

I would break it gently but £200 is a hell of a lot of wasted money and you are right, if you wear it there will be more wasted money in future.

I had some totally "not me" presents for my 40th too. I think people get odd ideas about these big birthdays. I feel guilty but I am not wearing some of that jewellery because I don't want to cement the idea that I like it. I have just put it away with the cards etc.

If it was family, like your case, I would certainly correct it. My sister asked me what I wanted - much more sensible.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/04/2016 16:54

Be honest, but can you do it tactfully? They are unlikely to get a refund [outstanding if they can] so is there an alternative on the Pandora website? Then you could simply say that while you like how they look on other people a charm bracelet is not for you. Too much clinking when you type, has to be removed constantly because of your job, doesn't go with other jewellery or wedding rings?

Earrings, a ring perhaps? Neither of which someone else can buy for you without knowing your size and earrings aren't usually returnable so I would never buy them as an expensive gift.
Pandora is not my cup of tea either but they do have simpler more classic stuff ?
estore-uk.pandora.net/earrings/stud-earrings/delicate-pearl-studs/250319P.html?cgid=931676a2-dbf7-42c7-a272-a0c9008cb3d6&src=categorySearch#icid=e%3Aallpages%3Atopnavigation%3Astudearringsspot&postion=top&src=categorySearch&start=51&cgid=931676a2-dbf7-42c7-a272-a0c9008cb3d6

If a complete refund is an option then honestly - your mum will be a bit upset but will get over it when she sees you wearing smething else that you love. Far less upset than realsing down the line that you HATE it. Your siblings won't give a monkeys provided you actually buy something that you want for yourself that will stick around. So not £200 worth of chocolate Grin

blearynweary · 26/04/2016 17:01

I would be disappointed too. But I would never tell them that I don't like it. I'd wear it when I saw them, just as it is. I would have absolutely no qualms in saying I love it as it is, no more charms thank you!

Nocabbageinmyeye · 26/04/2016 17:01

Gently "Thank you for the birthday gift mam, I know you put in the effort to make sure everyone went with the same theme and I appreciate the thought that went into that, I have to be honest though, it's just not my thing at all, I wasn't going to say anything as I don't want to appear ungrateful but then you mentioned future gifts and so I had to speak up because I would hate for you to waste money in the future on something I only wore on visits to you"

Nocabbageinmyeye · 26/04/2016 17:03

Not saying anything would possibly be an option, although an awful waste, had the mother not mentioned future gifts but she did so now you have to or it would be a pain/annoying/a terrible waste to get them forever

rollonthesummer · 26/04/2016 17:06

You've got to say something!!