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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my surname as childs middle name?

148 replies

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 20:43

I'm currently pregnant, not married but we will get married at some point but I won't be changing my surname.

I would like our child to have my surname as a middle name. I spoke to DP about this and I guess he kind of agreed. He didn't say much which I took to be agreement. When telling someone today I could tell he didn't seem completely set on it. I can't exactly pin point what he said it was more how he said it. It was clear to me he wasn't too keen.

I'm still relatively early on so not going to broach it again right now. But as far as I'm concerned he didn't object so that's what will be happening and to be honest even if he did object I kind of think tough.

I don't think it's unreasonable that considering I've agreed to the baby having his surname that I would like my name as a middle name considering I won't be changing my name even in the event we do get married.

This is a fair compromise is it not?

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 24/04/2016 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coldtoeswarmheart · 24/04/2016 20:44

I did this, both DC have my maiden name as their (only) middle name.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 24/04/2016 20:45

I've done it too.

Both boys have mine as a middle

ChoudeBruxelles · 24/04/2016 20:45

Ds has my maiden name as a middle name but it can be a Christian name as well as a surname

Akire · 24/04/2016 20:46

Sounds more than fair you are planning on keeping your name so you could want the child to have only your name. I'm sure he would find yours as a middle suddenly more acceptable.

RudeElf · 24/04/2016 20:46

Give the child your surname as its surname.

RudeElf · 24/04/2016 20:47

He can have his surname as middle name.

UterusUterusGhali · 24/04/2016 20:47

I did this.

Now we are separated I wish I'd double barreled. Why should the guy who provided the sperm have his -stupid- name attached to the child I raise?

Pixienott0005 · 24/04/2016 20:47

I think this is a great idea. Definitely Don't blame you for not wanting to change your surname until he's ready to make that commitment to you.

All depends on your surname of course, hopefully it's not too out there for your baby! Lol. I would've done the same but it would have sounded utterly ridiculous. I can understand him not being too keen if it won't sound right. But he needn't fret about his family name being overshadowed by your surname as the middle name because realistically it won't be used anyway. So if it sounds ok I wouldn't see his problem.

Cloudhopping · 24/04/2016 20:48

I have my mum's maiden name as my middle name and I love having it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 24/04/2016 20:49

I'd do it if it was an attractive name.

Not if it was Pratt or Fuchs or Smith though.

Pico2 · 24/04/2016 20:49

Whilst I think it's fair enough, I have a surname as a middle name and end up having to correct things fairly regularly. I thought it was a bit like 'Hillary Rodham Clinton' and being called 'Hillary Clinton' but I get various things addressed to the equivalent of Mrs Rodham-Clinton because some people can't cope with it and struggle to get it fixed once they've entered it wrongly on their IT system.

faintlyoptimistic · 24/04/2016 20:51

Do it. We are not married and if we do ever marry I won't change my name.

After I had my DD1 I toyed with this idea and eventually decided not to bother - it's just a name after all...

However it turns out that after having DD1 I suddenly lost my identity and almost everyone, even my own bloody family, started referring to me as Mrs OH'sName or referring to us as the OH'ssName family.

By the time I was pregnant with DD2 I had realised just how important my name was. DD2 has it as a middle name and I changed DD1's name officially in order to add it in.

We use it as well, as if it were a double barreled name, though it sounds a bit clunky, but DD1 knows it's as important as her last name.

Original poster
SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 20:52

No it's a fairly normal surname. It's a christian name too albeit not one I would use as a christian name personally.

If or possibly more likely when it does come up again I will be saying if he has an issue with it then I'm more than happy to reverse it and his surname can be middle and mine last, I reckon he'll accept mine as a middle pretty sharpish.

I'm not hugely keen on double barreled names. I think it's because I always wondering what would happen to their children if their Mum wanted her name in their somewhere and then where would it stop?

OP posts:
Original poster
SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 20:54

I think there are two reasons it's important to me. One being it's my name and it will remain my name regardless of martial status and secondly it's my first childs surname so it would be a link between siblings.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 24/04/2016 20:55

Ok well if is a male first name don't give it to a girl. And vice versa. My dm gave me her maiden name as a middle name which is a boys name, I dropped it as soon as I could and never ever use it.,

faintlyoptimistic · 24/04/2016 20:56

The link between siblings reason is lovely.

Original poster
SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 21:00

It is a males name. I would like it to be a middle name regardless of gender but during the conversation it was specifically referenced to being the middle name if the baby is a boy so his objection can't be on that front. If this baby decides when it is old enough that they do not wish to use it then that would be fine because it's then their choice.

I get that some people wouldn't like that but some people also don't care. It personal preference really and it's a middle name not their first name. I don't think half my friends even know my middle name. Only probably the friends I've had since school.

OP posts:
x2boys · 24/04/2016 21:01

I,m married I took.dh name as did the boys but I did have a lovely irish surname i wish I had done this .

AStreetcarNamedBob · 24/04/2016 21:01

YADNBU but I think baby should have your surname, or at least double barrel. Why should his get priority especially if you're not changing your name on marriage?

TheBouquets · 24/04/2016 21:04

I would not have the father's name as the child's surname unless married and even then I would question why his and not mine?
There is at least one culture who believe that the mother is the only definitive parent as we can all see that this is a pregnant woman but we do not see the conception and who the father is. Hospital staff midwives etc see the baby being born from this woman, the mother.
I know so many mums whose children have different names to them and who actually regret that they gave the man/father any acknowledgement at all. It all seems a bit to insecure to me. None of us know what the future holds.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 24/04/2016 21:05

Why is it always assumed that the child will be put in the father's name. Of course you're not being unreasonable wanting the baby to have one of your names.

minipie · 24/04/2016 21:05

Absolutely fair. You want your child to have your name, he (presumably) wants his child to have his name. Solution, child has both names. You will very kindly allow him to choose which order the names go in.

Can't say fairer than that. This is exactly what my parents did and what I did (my mum and I kept our names on marriage).

Agree I wouldn't give a boy's first name as a middle name to a girl and vice versa though. My surname is a boy's first name and I had daughters, so gave them my middle name (which is my mother's surname) instead.

OwlinaTree · 24/04/2016 21:06

Give the baby your surname.

OwlinaTree · 24/04/2016 21:07

Tell your DP it can possibly be changed if you get married.