Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my surname as childs middle name?

148 replies

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 20:43

I'm currently pregnant, not married but we will get married at some point but I won't be changing my surname.

I would like our child to have my surname as a middle name. I spoke to DP about this and I guess he kind of agreed. He didn't say much which I took to be agreement. When telling someone today I could tell he didn't seem completely set on it. I can't exactly pin point what he said it was more how he said it. It was clear to me he wasn't too keen.

I'm still relatively early on so not going to broach it again right now. But as far as I'm concerned he didn't object so that's what will be happening and to be honest even if he did object I kind of think tough.

I don't think it's unreasonable that considering I've agreed to the baby having his surname that I would like my name as a middle name considering I won't be changing my name even in the event we do get married.

This is a fair compromise is it not?

OP posts:
stubbornstains · 24/04/2016 21:40

DS1's dad dumped me when he found out I was pregnant. Some weeks later, in a brief conversation, he asked me whether the baby would have my surname or his. How I laughed......

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 24/04/2016 21:41

As long as a poor DD doesn't end up with something like Emily Stanley Jones as a name. She'd be teased to death at school.

Agree with PP. A middle name is either ignored or a huge source of embarrassment at school. Tread carefully.

sleeponeday · 24/04/2016 21:41

Does your elder child have your maiden name, or his or her father's?

I ask because I think it''s actually nice, if possible, for children to share a surname. And if you and your DP were ever to part, then you would be in a situation where you and your elder child had one name, and the younger had another. I think a shared identity in terms of a name is lovely.

I don't have the best opinion/relationship with my father, and so when I had kids, I changed my surname to DH's, because I wanted my children to have the same name I did, and I wanted their link to be with their own (great) father, and not my own. So I am not saying I think there should be a cast iron rule in any of this. But if you already have one child with your own name, I would reflect on all the possible future scenarios before deciding, with your partner, whose surname would be in the best interests of both children. Which is obviously more important than what the adults would like.

I do think it's fairly rude of him to not even want your surname in the mix at all, unless it is also your ex's? DH didn't mind whose name our kids had, so as I say, I made the choice based on the fact that both names were given by fathers, and at least DH was likely to be a good one.

TheCatsMeow · 24/04/2016 21:41

I think it's a weird thing to do - why give the baby a surname as a middle name? Why not double barrel it?

BlueJug · 24/04/2016 21:44

I did it. Not double barrelled just my surname as a middle name for both DD and DS. It acts as a link to me - I did not change my name - and it sounds fine. They don't introduce themselves as John Smith Jones and Ann Mary Smith Jones for example - they just say "Hi I'm John Jones" - but it is there for everything official. Good to do.

stubbornstains · 24/04/2016 21:45

The other thing to think about is who is realistically going to be doing the lion's share of nursery and school pick ups for the next (insert however many years). Because if you stay as Ms Smith and your child is Annie Jones, and you're the main carer, then you can look forward to many happy years of being called Mrs Jones by all and sundry.

stubbornstains · 24/04/2016 21:46

^Loving the X-post blue jug Grin

BlueJug · 24/04/2016 21:47

And my teens have never been teased about it. Really why would they be?

BlueJug · 24/04/2016 21:48

Just spotted it stubbborn Grin

SpartaCarcass · 24/04/2016 21:48

Sounds like you've made the right decision. Middle name or you swap them Grin

Always remember nothing is permanent. My friend split with her partner (children's father) and when the children reached an age to decide they asked to change their surnames to their mother's rather than their wanker father's name

TheCatsMeow · 24/04/2016 21:48

When did it become normal to have surnames as middle names?

wigglybeezer · 24/04/2016 21:48

My Ds 1 has my maiden name as his middle name, it's traditional in Scotland.

redpriestandmozart · 24/04/2016 21:49

I have my grandmother's maiden name as my middle name and have always hated it. While my friends had pretty middle names I had a surname, not double barrelled as wasn't the done thing back in the day unless you were aristocracy. Personally for this reason I wouldn't do it, but double barrelled names are much more common now. I felt my parents did it for themselves (my father actually) than for me, I was just burdened with it. I never really saw that grandmother anyway so no real love for her or the name.

RedRainCoat · 24/04/2016 21:55

I would double barrell, or give your own surname instead of his. Middle names hardly get used in my experience.

I can't see why double barrelling is 'naff' though Hmm

Original poster
SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 22:01

It is more like James than a Godfrey type name.

I'm not sure there 100% is an issue as he didn't raise one with me but the undertone today in what he said suggested there was and I'd be surprised if I was wrong. I'll broach it as and when the time comes, probably later in pregnancy. I guess I'll find out then what the source of his issue is with it. It's not my Exh's surname so it's not that. I have an idea what it could be but I guess time will tell.

I do think though that he should have said when it was discussed if he had something to say about it.

OP posts:
TeaPleaseBob · 24/04/2016 22:11

I have my mums maiden name as a middle name and my daughter has my maiden name as her middle name.

Surely not that unusual? To me a middle name should have some significance otherwise what's the point. Plenty of people have middle names after family members or friends so maiden name is along those lines.

Original poster
SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 22:15

Yeah I have always thought that middle names should be of some importance. I don't see what's more significant than your mother and siblings surname.

OP posts:
Yoksha · 24/04/2016 22:21

When I was born 59yrs ago, it was a family tradition to have the first born have mum's maiden name as middle name. I like it because now my mum is dead, I feel a connection with her across time. I'm in the camp of " whatever floats your boat".

TremoloGreen · 24/04/2016 22:24

Of course you should if you want. Why on earth does he have a problem with it. Nearly everyone in my family has some surname or other as a middle name. My two girls both have my surname as their second middle name - I am married to their dad but I didn't change my name. Nobody has had any problem with it, I think DD1 once got her name written as e.g. Sarah Green-Red on a place card at a wedding but that's it. When we sent out DD2's birth announcement, we made sure to write Jane Elizabeth Green RED. No confusion.

mummytime · 24/04/2016 22:28

I am married but kept my name, all my DC have my surname as a middle name. It's a pain to learn to spell, but they can choose to double barrel when later if they want (one wants to drop her Dads name at present).

I've since discovered that it was pretty usual practice in family history, to do this, at leas for the first born/first born son.

Maybe if you discuss the historical origins with DP he might be happier. Of course as you aren't married your child doesn't "have" to have his surname at all.

Original poster
SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 22:32

No the child doesn't have to have his surname but I'm happy for the child to have his surnames. I expect the same courteousness to be extended when it comes to my surname being included.

Hopefully he'll just accept it and that will be that without further conversation necessary.

OP posts:
OneMoreForExtra · 24/04/2016 22:33

I've done this too.

Serious practical reason for doing it aside from all the nicer personal ones: When travelling internationally with your child, you will face questions if the surname on their passport is different from your own. Having your name as part of theirs will help, although you will still have to point it out and get a long slow scrutinising. I've been advised that since we have different surnames I should carry his birth certificate as well as both our passports. All for good reasons, and if someone was trying to sneak DS through customs I'd damn well want questions asked, but I think this raises the stakes a lot. Definitely get your name in there.

Eveninties · 24/04/2016 22:36

Sounds very fair to me. As for the boys name, I'm Scottish and my dc have my MILS maiden name as middle name. It's a boys name and makes no difference to my girl. My middle name is randomly a boys name- not a surname - my mother just liked it and as a child I was always rather proud that it was a bit different Smile

Ludways · 24/04/2016 22:36

I really really regret not doing this. I've since added it as s second middle name for myself.

honeylulu · 24/04/2016 22:44

Makes more sense for children to share a surname with their mother. If parents separate, who do the children usually live with?

Swipe left for the next trending thread