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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want my surname as childs middle name?

148 replies

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 20:43

I'm currently pregnant, not married but we will get married at some point but I won't be changing my surname.

I would like our child to have my surname as a middle name. I spoke to DP about this and I guess he kind of agreed. He didn't say much which I took to be agreement. When telling someone today I could tell he didn't seem completely set on it. I can't exactly pin point what he said it was more how he said it. It was clear to me he wasn't too keen.

I'm still relatively early on so not going to broach it again right now. But as far as I'm concerned he didn't object so that's what will be happening and to be honest even if he did object I kind of think tough.

I don't think it's unreasonable that considering I've agreed to the baby having his surname that I would like my name as a middle name considering I won't be changing my name even in the event we do get married.

This is a fair compromise is it not?

OP posts:
Therealyellowwiggle · 25/04/2016 08:25

Please don't "ask" him.
Then when he agrees it's big of him, a concession etc. Just say calmly that if the arrangement is to be that the child has his surname, he/she will have your name as a middle name. So if he kicks off about that, he is rejecting the surname part too. And as we've said, as an unmarried father he actually has no say in this legally.

HarlotBronte · 25/04/2016 08:34

Obviously YABU, and yes don't ask him. The name will be chosen by you, since the legal position is that you get to register the baby yourself and he doesn't. If your surname as middle name isn't on the table, neither is his surname as surname.

Original poster
SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 25/04/2016 08:34

Not ask him permission. Ask him if there is an issue and what it is.

OP posts:
HarlotBronte · 25/04/2016 08:35

YANBU, even. How embarrassing!

mummytime · 25/04/2016 09:00

No one has ever thought I was the step mum to my DC. And every step mum I've known has had the same surname as her step children.
So that argument doesn't hold.

kayessbee · 25/04/2016 09:05

Friend did it will all 3 of her children, boys & girls - it's a really nice idea, & works so well with them. Go for it!

BertrandRussell · 25/04/2016 09:14

If you actually want your last name to be used, then hyphenate. Middle names just vanish.

HarlotBronte · 25/04/2016 09:34

I dunno, more people change their surnames during their lives than change their middle names.

TinyTear · 25/04/2016 09:45

why middle name is my question
my daughters have two surnames. simple.
not double barrelled just two words

Jane Anne John Doe
First name, middle name, two surnames

becoming more common - it is common in my country, but my SIL also did the same for her kids and both her and BIL are British

Cressandra · 25/04/2016 10:01

Add message | Report | Message poster Pogmella Mon 25-Apr-16 07:53:01
Legally the mother has the absolute right to determine the name. So choose whatever you want and he can be the one thinking 'oo-er do you think I can persuade her to my way of thinking'

I think this is spot on. Sometimes we have to fight for equality but here you don't, legally the decision is yours.The default in hospital will be Baby SecretSquirrels too. If he wants it to be something else, let him try to persuade you.

If you're going to do it by gentle persuasion then I think your current tactic, of raising it now then dropping it for a while, is a great one. But I'd be tempted by a big hefting of the goalposts here, I have to say.

Ivegotyourgoat · 25/04/2016 10:14

Of course yanbu. You do realise that as you are not married, you have the sole choice of what to name the baby?

I cannot understand why in this day and age, when we are supposed to have equality, babies are still automatically given the husband or boyfriends name and it's seen as very confrontational to suggest otherwise.

We double barrelled ds name as I didn't want to change mine on marriage. Dh wasn't happy at all, but I did not see why my name should be forgotten. If ds doesn't want to use both names he can drop one, if he drops my name so be it, but it will be like a middle name.

I think you are being more than reasonable.

Clutterbugsmum · 25/04/2016 10:42

My DH and his brother have his mothers maiden name as a middle name as her family name will die out with her as she only has sisters.

When we had our DS (first male to be born in both families in over 30yrs) he also has her maiden name as a middle name.

BathshebaDarkstone · 25/04/2016 10:44

YANBU at all.

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 25/04/2016 10:53

Go for it. Both my sons have my maiden name as their only middle names. As do two of my nieces and nephews...

passportmess · 25/04/2016 10:53

My Ds has my surname as his last middle name. It seems to be common enough here in Scotland, although I could be wrong about that. It's on his passports too although I bring a copy of his birth cert too when travelling. ( I've kept my surname on marriage)

DisappointedOne · 25/04/2016 10:54

I cannot understand why in this day and age, when we are supposed to have equality, babies are still automatically given the husband or boyfriends name and it's seen as very confrontational to suggest otherwise.

Wasn't automatic for us. My bond with DD was built over the 9.5 months I carried her. I don't need her to have my surname to be mine. DH was proud to have delivered the first child of that generation on his side of the family and wanted to share his name with her. I had no reason to oppose that! She knows why she has all of her names. She's very proud to tell passport control when we go away. She has both of our family names and knows exactly where she's come from. I hope that's grounding for her.

ingenvillvetavardukoptdintroja · 25/04/2016 11:07

I've done this with my son. Having done a lot of family history, it's a common custom going back to the eighteenth century at least. And makes genealogy a lot easier! I had a unique surname before marriage and only have sisters so it was important to me

Pogmella · 25/04/2016 11:11

Posters stating you can choose as you're not married- you can also choose if you're married. DH and I agreed on DDs name no issue but I looked into it out of interest and in the event of a dispute the mother has the final say. I imagine it harks back to mothers being the only ones to vouch for who a child's bio dad is. Mums have complete control over this- its the best kept secret!!

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 25/04/2016 11:12

It used to be quite common in the 19th century to use the mothers' maiden name as a middle name for children.

I don't see why it's a big deal.

leedy · 25/04/2016 11:13

Both my sons have my surname as their middle name.

Kerberos · 25/04/2016 11:18

We did. My name is their middle name. It's not a name you'd think was a first name though.

One way of maybe getting round it would be to have two surnames without the double barrel. So Jane Thomas Smith has the surname Thomas Smith, not the middle name Thomas.

TheKingSits · 25/04/2016 11:22

We have given DC my maiden name as a middle name. It's perfectly normal here in Scotland, my Dad aged 60 has the same thing as does FIL aged 69. I don't think it matters about it being a gendered name or a name that had been decreed as a bit crap by a PP (Pratt, Fuchs or Smith apparently Hmm)

GiraffeHouse · 25/04/2016 11:26

I did this. Both mine have my surname as a second middle name. I have not changed my name but wanted them to have my name too. We didn't double barrel as the names wouldn't go!
DH didn't even question it, he just couldn't see that it was a problem.

Therealyellowwiggle · 25/04/2016 11:28

A married father can go alone to register the baby's birth though, so could put whatever name he wanted. I assume this is the reason for some of them misspellings I have heard of among my friends!

KayTee87 · 25/04/2016 11:31

Mine will have 2 middle names and one of them is my surname / maiden name. I am married but still use my own name quite a lot. I think it used to be pretty common practice for children to have their mothers family name as one of their middle names.