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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my surname as childs middle name?

148 replies

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 20:43

I'm currently pregnant, not married but we will get married at some point but I won't be changing my surname.

I would like our child to have my surname as a middle name. I spoke to DP about this and I guess he kind of agreed. He didn't say much which I took to be agreement. When telling someone today I could tell he didn't seem completely set on it. I can't exactly pin point what he said it was more how he said it. It was clear to me he wasn't too keen.

I'm still relatively early on so not going to broach it again right now. But as far as I'm concerned he didn't object so that's what will be happening and to be honest even if he did object I kind of think tough.

I don't think it's unreasonable that considering I've agreed to the baby having his surname that I would like my name as a middle name considering I won't be changing my name even in the event we do get married.

This is a fair compromise is it not?

OP posts:

Pico2 · 24/04/2016 21:07

I think it's lovely to have a link between siblings like that. I'd be quite tempted to double barrel if you want that link to be obviously made by their names to people other than the children.

NapQueen · 24/04/2016 21:09

Id give the baby your surname same as its siblings. On marriage, DO can choose whether he also wants to become a "OPSurname" or keep his.

PointlessFriend · 24/04/2016 21:09

If I were doing things over again I'd like to choose a new family name for DH, myself and our DC. I changed my name to my DHs when we married but I don't like it but I didn't like my maiden name either. Also neither my FIL or my dad are the type of man that you would look up to so it seems weird to care about carrying on the 'family name'. It would have been much better to choose our own unique name.

I've spent many a while daydreaming about what I would use as a new family name.

HalfwayUpALadder · 24/04/2016 21:09

My surname before I married is a male first name (albeit with a less common spelling). Both my girls have it as a second middle name..

Don't care that the girls have a boys name.. It's part of me.

OutsSelf · 24/04/2016 21:09

Boys in my family get DP's name; girls get mine. We're currently at one all...

scotsgirl64 · 24/04/2016 21:11

Our dcs have my maiden name as a middle name....I'm Scottish and this is a fairly common occurrence -Matriarchal inheritance ....they have Scottish first name, Welsh second name then my surname , then husbands surname!.... Form filling is fun!

febnov · 24/04/2016 21:12

I did this. Like previous posters I really wish I'd insisted that my child had my name. OH was all for marriage and children, until the reality hit. Pretty soon after we had a child he took marriage off the cards and then he left. Having my name in the middle is better than nothing, but it still galls that he gave his name and not a lot else!

Original poster

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 21:13

I'm not sure it matters whether it is typically a males name or not. It would be a case of it being my middle name is my Mum and older sisters surname but then I have a male name as my middle name and quite like it.

OP posts:

Original poster

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 21:14

That didn't really make sense written down. Hopefully you can decipher.

OP posts:

muminthecity · 24/04/2016 21:14

I did it the other way round - DD shares my surname and has her dad's surname as her middle name. Luckily her dad's surname can also be a girl's first name.

Original poster

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 21:15

To the posts about the child taking my surname as a surname, I'm not really that fussed which order they go in as long as they are both in there.

OP posts:

stubbornstains · 24/04/2016 21:18

When did it suddenly become the norm that unmarried mothers give their DC their partner's surname?

Original poster

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 21:21

I think it's always been the "norm" I think it's only more recently that people haven't. But whether we're married or not I still would change my name.

I'm not bothered so can't see he has a reason to be to be honest. And I do have a bit of a "tough" attitude if he does. If he's that dead set against it then the alternative I'm willing to offer is his name as a middle name and mine as surname.

He has a choice but the choice is not whether it happens or not. It's what order.

OP posts:

Original poster

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 21:22

Would not*

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 24/04/2016 21:22

My DD has my surname as her second middle name. OH's surname as her surname.

She is 18.

If OH had shown any arsey intent towards her second middle name, I would've registered her as having my surname as a surname. And, being unmarried, I could've done that.

TheClacksAreDown · 24/04/2016 21:26

We did this and are married. I agreed, slightly reluctantly, for the children yeti have DH's last name. My last name is used as a second middle name so in the style Thomas William Clacks Smith. Friends who have done it also find it helpful going through immigration when not travelling with the father

Cressandra · 24/04/2016 21:29

Fair compromise vs what? It's more than a reasonable choice. My question is more whether you've already done the lion's share of the compromising.

This is based on the fact that I'm old, and I feel I gave up my name too easily on marriage. Also you say you're not worried about the order of the names but in reality, we found middle names were so much less significant than we'd thought when naming DC1. We very carefully honed it to eg Jane Mary Smith, checked it ran ok, agonised over every syllable, but day to day she is Jane Smith in absolutely everything and I reckon about 6 people in the world even remember what her middle name is. It sounds really daft now but we honestly didn't think about her being just Jane Smith when we were choosing her name, she was always Jane Mary Smith. But from the day her NHS card arrived in the post, she's been Jane Smith everywhere - at school, nursery, doctor's and dentist, friends, clubs etc etc. It's only on forms that no one looks at, and at home as part of her nickname, that her middle name exists. So IMO pushing your surname down the "pecking order" to a middle name is a thumping great compromise, and I am not overly impressed with your DH begrudging even that.

Bue · 24/04/2016 21:30

DD has DH's surname but mine as second middle name. I didn't want to double barrel (DH would have been fine with it) but wanted my name to be represented. If this is what you want it should be non negotiable.

Birdsgottafly · 24/04/2016 21:31

In Northumberland and I think some parts of Scotland, it was traditional to use the Grandmothers maiden name somewhere. Hence Robson Green's full name is Robson Golightly Green.

I know a couple of Sikh women, whose children have their Surname. I don't know if that is cultural to them.

A woman I worked with was Fostered and she gave her Son her Foster Mothers surname as a middle name.

I think you can and should do whatever feels right for your family situation, the sibling link is a lovely idea.

Marmalade85 · 24/04/2016 21:31

I did this. Double barrel is naff.

sunshinesue · 24/04/2016 21:31

DD has my maiden name as a surname. I told dh what I thought her name should be when she was about 15 minutes old. He was in no position to disagree

pieceofpurplesky · 24/04/2016 21:31

I did this and now exh and I are
Separated ds uses his middle name all the time with his surname (his own choice)

sunshinesue · 24/04/2016 21:32

Sorry, my maiden name as a middle name....

minipie · 24/04/2016 21:37

Re: it being a boy's name if baby is a girl - it depends what the name is really. My surname is an old fashioned, rather "frumpy" man's name (think eg Gerald, Harold etc) - I guess it would be different if it was something like James.

SelfRaisingFlour · 24/04/2016 21:40

I wouldn't give a girl a boys' name/surname as a middle name, eg. Sarah Thomas Smith or vice versa eg. Frederick Jane Smith. I would only do it if it worked genderwise.

I knew a woman, who had a boy-sounding surname for a middle name and she hated it and ditched it when she got married.

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