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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want my surname as childs middle name?

148 replies

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 20:43

I'm currently pregnant, not married but we will get married at some point but I won't be changing my surname.

I would like our child to have my surname as a middle name. I spoke to DP about this and I guess he kind of agreed. He didn't say much which I took to be agreement. When telling someone today I could tell he didn't seem completely set on it. I can't exactly pin point what he said it was more how he said it. It was clear to me he wasn't too keen.

I'm still relatively early on so not going to broach it again right now. But as far as I'm concerned he didn't object so that's what will be happening and to be honest even if he did object I kind of think tough.

I don't think it's unreasonable that considering I've agreed to the baby having his surname that I would like my name as a middle name considering I won't be changing my name even in the event we do get married.

This is a fair compromise is it not?

OP posts:
HaggisMuncher · 24/04/2016 22:46

I have my Gran's maiden name for my middle name, and my son has my maiden name and his paternal grandad's first name for middle names. I like the fact that these names mean something and link us to our family. Go for it OP, lovely thing to do x

Coldtoeswarmheart · 24/04/2016 22:50

Just a thought. I adopted my married name at 38 weeks with DC1, and changed my own name by deed poll to legally keep my maiden name as a second middle name for myself, so I still have an obvious link to them. An option if you marry later.

Original poster
SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 24/04/2016 23:03

I won't be changing my name when we get married. That's not an option I am open to. DP is aware of this.

OP posts:
Fallstar · 24/04/2016 23:09

It's not unreasonable (or unusual/odd) at all - I think it's a lovely thing to do.

Our children have my surname as a surname and DH's surname as a middle name. We weren't married when we had them but when we did get married it didn't occur to either of us that anybody would change their name.

thenightsky · 24/04/2016 23:12

I think it's a good idea.

My dad had his mum's maiden name as his middle name and he was born in 1914, so I guess people have been doing this for a long time.

Inertia · 24/04/2016 23:22

I don't see that your partner is actually in any position to object. He can't register the birth without you as you're not married, so you could make it entirely your decision if that's what you choose to do.

Giving the baby both surnames seems entirely reasonable.

DisappointedOne · 24/04/2016 23:46

DD has my surname as her 2nd middle name and loves it (she's 5). I didn't change my name on marriage, had no strong feelings about her having my surname and don't like double barrelled names. Works brilliantly for us.

FuckSanta · 24/04/2016 23:47

Makes more sense for children to share a surname with their mother. If parents separate, who do the children usually live with?

What does that have to do with anything?!

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 24/04/2016 23:55

I agree with others who say give your baby your surname.

Therealyellowwiggle · 24/04/2016 23:56

He has no say in the registration of the baby is not your husband. You can register the baby without him, but he cannot without you.
I have my name as a middle for both my dcs. If I had my time again I would have double baralled, no one seems to use the middle (perhaps as they have several!) If you already have a child called (eg) Smith it would give her more in common with sibling if they are Brown Smith, rather than Brown with a middle name of Smith.
Give it a few years and he'll be hmming over why you don't change your own name when you marry...

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 24/04/2016 23:57

And even if you don't want to do that there is nothing remotely odd or unreasonable in using your surname as a middle name - objecting to it is very unreasonable.

PointlessFriend · 24/04/2016 23:58

One thing to consider is that if the kids have a different name to their Dad then people may assume he is a stepdad whereas if kids have a different name to their mum then people are less likely to assume she is their stepmum. I wonder if that's the reason than men sometimes feel strongly about the kids having their surname.

Nothing wrong with being a step parent of course. Wink

PointlessFriend · 24/04/2016 23:59

Sorry, I posted to soon but wanted to add that I think both surnames or new family name is the way to go.

chilipepper20 · 25/04/2016 00:09

i have found it will help at the border. Don't know if that is a concern.

My DD and I went for a trip. Partner is a different ethnicity, so DD and I are not the same colour. To top it off, we have different passports. I think they would have hassled me a lot more if her surname wasn't double barrelled and included mine.

flirtygirl · 25/04/2016 00:44

Op do it, i love it and dh hates it but my name was important to me so i kept my name for myself and as a middle name for dc as wanted dc linked to both of us. Its only fair in this day and age.

faintlyoptimistic · 25/04/2016 06:38

Like a pp, if I was doing it again I'd go with all of us choosing a new surname. I too spend ages thinking of ideas but our surnames don't combine well at all and the one surname that would mean something important to us all doesn't go with dd1's name (think Ollie Ipsley).

I expect if we do marry I'll add OH's surname to my name as a middle name and he'll do the same with mine.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/04/2016 06:44

I have this and always hated having a surname instead of a normal middle name like everyone else.

ExConstance · 25/04/2016 07:10

We double barrelled - without a hyphen, and tell people they have both our surnames. This was partly because my family name was on the verge of extinctionand partly because it weemed to be th right thing to do when we had different msurnames (married but I kept my name)

faintlyoptimistic · 25/04/2016 07:10

But everyone is different. When you are giving a child a name you can only do it for the reasons you believe in. There is no way to know how they will feel about it. Of course, as soon as you name them it then becomes their name to do with what they will. If they dislike it, they can change it.

faintlyoptimistic · 25/04/2016 07:11

Meant to add, I have no middle name and I hated that. Like I said, all different.

eurochick · 25/04/2016 07:22

Middle names get forgotten. We double-barrelled. We both created our daughter and are bring her up together. Why on earth should she have my husband's name but not mine? My husband wasn't mad keen on the idea at first but there is no way I was compromising.

Pogmella · 25/04/2016 07:53

Legally the mother has the absolute right to determine the name. So choose whatever you want and he can be the one thinking 'oo-er do you think I can persuade her to my way of thinking'

LastInTheQueue · 25/04/2016 08:03

We don't have children, but if we did then this is what we would do, as it is what we did when we got married. Both DH and I now have first name, my surname as a middle name, his surname. In fact, it's also what we did with the cats when we registered them.
We didn't double barrel as it sounded too much of a mouthful, so agreed to that we would BOTH adopt mine as a middle name instead.

Original poster
SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 25/04/2016 08:13

I'm not really for double barrelling. The middle name may well be forgotten by 99% of the people they grow up to know but the baby would always know. DD would know they shared that part of their name and I would know.

I'm wondering if I should maybe just ask DP instead of holding off until it comes up again naturally.

OP posts:
SausageSmuggler · 25/04/2016 08:13

My youngest DC has my maiden name as her middle name. I think it's a lovely idea.