re widowed MIL and wedding ring?

[lulucappuccino]

FIL died (relatively young) three weeks ago, after a long illness. MIL isn't a particularly warm person, but they had a long, good marriage.

I noticed that that she's not wearing her wedding ring (not a one-off, it's been several occasions).

She's definitely not on the lookout for another man.

I haven't mentioned this to DH.

I think it's odd. It's absolutely up to her though, of course. Her marriage. Her grief. Her finger!

Just seems a bit odd. I'm being unreasonable to think that though, aren't I?

Basically everything that Somerville said. She could not accept that she was offensive to the people who were in that exact situation.
Instead of accepting that- she just got increasingly offensive and cold. The phrase 'your other half' is often bandied about- I only understood the meaning of the phrase when my husband died.
The set of expectations and duties that was heaped on me when my husband died was crippling. To think that someone could add to the awfulness of my new reality by judging me on what was none of their business is just frankly disgusting!

Peiya, thanks.
Yes AIBU is of course often very heated but deliberate goadyness is against talk guidelines.

I clicked the thread genuinely expecting it to be about reassuring a widowed MIL that it was okay to do whatever she wanted about her ring, or about a lost ring. Something like that, not a judgement on taking off a wedding ring being odd.

I didn't move my rings until recently - it's nearly 18 months. But I had questions within a few months of my DH's death about why I still wore them now I was single. I didn't feel fucking single. And that was nowhere near the most hurtful judgement I've had to deal with, on top of everything else. So many people have an opinion about a widow's conduct. It's a really, really hard road to traverse. Especially as the grief and shock makes you - well made me - much thinner skinned than I'd been before.

And it wasn't me who called her a twat. I'm the one who implied that she was being a cunt.

Amazingtracy, I hope your g&t went down well.
I'm on a booze break at the moment so had to reward myself with an early night for getting through a tough day. Only now the insomnia monster has visited.
I totally get you on the crippling nature of others expectations. My family are actually bloody amazing - I know I'm really lucky. But one-step-removed people have had so many opinions. And if I don't listen and nod along they go spouting them behind my back. I really need to regrow a thick skin.

It's a really, really hard road to traverse. I can't imagine how hard!

There is no code of conduct with mourning, I agree with that. Glad you have a supportive family.

PS please don't compare vagina's to GF's, vagina's have a purpose

Peyia, just noticed I spelled your name wrong before. Apologies.

Don't get me started on some people's opinions of widows who are learning that their vaginas might still have a purpose.

Ah don't worry! It read the same.

Don't forget pregnant women's vagina's, they barely get a look in. Well mind doesn't, can't even see the damn thing and H hasn't enquired!

Talk about thread derail.

It's at a much better place than it began.

I just want to offer to all my fellow wids on this thread, who had the grace and courage to open up about how other people's judgements can have a huge impact on our emotional well-being. And a special call out to Blondes - my special friend

I'v never been called a fellow wid before, Chasing. It's much nicer than that-single-mum-over-there-in-her-corner-she's-a-widow-y'know that get's so tiresome.

Bit cheeky because you two don't know me but can I just raise a glass to Blondes.
I deregged from here when my DH got ill but then lurked a lot and she's written so many things that have hit home. One that I found particularly helpful was explaining the difference between moving on and carrying on, to people who had an opinion on a new relationship.

to both of you

Somerville, Blondes is great. We refer to one another as our silver linings - finding one another in amidst such loss and sadness. I just described myself as a square peg with friends - none of them is quite sure what to do with me. Are you a member of WAY or any other widow support group?

Yes I have joined WAY, thanks. I found our grief counsellors through them. I tried a few of their events very early on which we didn't enjoy but realise now it was just too early for me or my kids. We didn't enjoy much at that stage.

I can totally relate to the square peg with many friends. Though a few have been amazing, and my family too (DF spent whole career in the forces, so there's sadly a lot of experience in supporting grieving relatives in my family).

My friends all cry about how bittersweet it is when I tell them about the fella I've met Whilst I appreciate having people to cry and reminisce with when I need to, I'm also feeling the need to make some new friends who don't filter everything about my life through their friendships with DH. So I've now got some more WAY events booked in. Fingers crossed.

My Grandad died of cancer and needed a lot of care in his last few months. my Grandma continued to go and get her hair done, appeared at times apathetic, allowed others to take care of him and often appeared cold/unfeeling.
My Grandad was funny, caring, imaginative and lovely to be around.

Turns out he raped her for years and years and years and to quote her 'that's shy I had so many children'. She told me this 2 years ago. He died 16 years ago. She too removed her wedding ring soon after he died.

Don't judge someone on what you think you know/see. Lots happen behind the scenes that you will have no idea about OP. So yes, YABU.

Maybe see you at some of the way events Somerville

Thanks for DM's, folks.

JF - .

Some of these later threads made me cry. I offered condolences earlier to the op. I offer respect to the widows who responded in order to give some insight to OP.
I am not widowed but may be one day (as may my dh of over 30yrs if I go first). We really have no control over future events but I hope I am as forthright as you if confronted with difficult questions over rings etc etc.

Oh wow somerville I'm honoured that you read my moving on /carrying on /children. Senerio

and chasingpavements was going to say didn't recognise the user name but the square peg /silver linings solves it

I've used that line twice now with judgey-pants people, Blondes. Thanks for it

Particularly useful to to respond to snide school gate remark, in front of children, about moving on (after DD2 had just announced to her whole class that Mummy has a boyfriend )

sadly we will always be judged, whether we stay home crying/go out with friends/dont ever meet anyone/meet someone

whatever we do will always be wrong in someones eyes, take this thread, the mil removed her wedding ring, OMG terrible person

in the end, and took me a while to learn/say this, but its our life, our loved ones have died, but we didnt

so we do what makes us happy and if others dont like it, then fuck them

who needs friends like that x