re widowed MIL and wedding ring?

[lulucappuccino]

FIL died (relatively young) three weeks ago, after a long illness. MIL isn't a particularly warm person, but they had a long, good marriage.

I noticed that that she's not wearing her wedding ring (not a one-off, it's been several occasions).

She's definitely not on the lookout for another man.

I haven't mentioned this to DH.

I think it's odd. It's absolutely up to her though, of course. Her marriage. Her grief. Her finger!

Just seems a bit odd. I'm being unreasonable to think that though, aren't I?

Poor lady, poor your dh. How sad for you all.
Whatever reason she has I am sure she will share it in time. My guess is maybe it reminds her of him constantly and just maybe she thinks putting the ring somewhere safe will help.
It only matters that they had a long good marriage.

wow! you really are something special! Am I Dozy?

Not in the slightest bit dozy my darling but you may need a lesson or two in compassion and understanding blatant sarcasm.........oh! and humility! You REALLY need a lesson in humility! (Not sarcastic)

Sweetie (sarcastic) take a tip from a widow.....and worry about your own fingers.

God. Read the thread.

Hope you are ok Amazingtracy.

Totally agree not wearing a ring doesn't mean we don't love our husbands anymore

Regardless of what jewellery we wear or don't wear our husbands will always be in our hearts

Op - I hope your dh is ok as he can be after his dad dying

She thinks she's being witty amazingtracy by changing my name from dancing to dozy. Her sense of humour is clearly quite limited though, as is her emotional intelligence.

Hiding the thread now.

Two things learned:

• Yep, IABU, as I suspected.
• There are some randoms online who need to spend less time raging and more time reading.

If my DH died I'd want to wear both rings, together, so I'd put them on a chain around my neck. I also understand the idea others have mentioned of burying your spouse with both, so they stay with him.

Maybe she's doing one of those, maybe she isn't. All I know is that she must be going through hell right now and whatever methods means she can get through her days until the pain eases sounds eminently sensible to me.

Stop being so fucking goady, OP. You are talking to at least three widows ATM, who clicked on this thread to see if they could offer some insight or help or support. But right from the start it's been clear that you don't want any. (You haven't thanked anyone for replying or agreed that they make good points or apologised for causing upset with the odd comment about something that has been explained time and time again to be deeply personal.)

And then the whole dutiful-carer possible act thing starts up and even if you really did help out with your terminally ill FIL, it doesn't give you a right to judge your MIL.

I think I have to hide this thread now, as I'm feeling genuinely upset for your MIL.

I'm also second guessing what people may be saying about me for moving my rings from my left hand to my right last week. But I know that anyone who judges something as personal as that is stupid, narrow minded or seriously lacking in empathy. And that luckily for me my family and close friends are none of those things.

You are also upsetting other people I think, and really do need to STFU now.

Yeah I'm good. Thanks for asking. I just can't believe someone could be so clueless as to not get the turbulence of grief.

I'm off you pour myself a merry G and T as a treat for packing the school lunch. Champagne lifestyle here!

Somerville- console yourself with the fact that you are not stuck with her special brand of 'kindness'.
We know we love them still- that's all that matters.

Thanks Tracy.

Glad you're okay and also glad she's gone.

At G&T for packing school lunch. Enjoy!

Dancing you are far from dozy, lovely.

I feel lucky that none of my friends or family have questioned the ring thing as I took mine off quite early. Maybe they took it to an internet forum to discuss instead. On second thoughts, they wouldn't lack such class!! Enjoy the rest of your evening (and the gin) fellow widows.

Thanks somerville

I'm so sorry for your losses. I wish there were something I could say that was more meaningful than that.

This is one of the most upsetting threads I've read on MN.
I can see why some of you are very bothered by some of what the OP has said, but she did state in her OP that she KNEW she was probably BU but wanted some views, anonymously, to clarify her thoughts.
Isn't that the point of MN? That you can rant and rage, ask opinions, seek the views and advice of others when you perhaps don't feel able to in RL?
I think a lot of the replies she has received are utterly vile.
Coping with grief is a very hard battle, but that doesn't excuse being so completely horrible to another human being.

Dancing you should change your name to dancingnotdosy

stop it was pointed out to her by many people here that she could never understand her MILs grief. She clearly has very little time and respect for her MIL describing her as cold and odd. Then insinuated that her MIL didn't look after her husband as well as the op felt she did.

When her tactlessness was pointed out by widows who (like myself) do not wear rings. I would be horrified to think that someone would judge how I felt about my marriage and my husband by such a private thing!

Need I mention her slagging off us?

She's an awful creature IMO.

slagging off ONE of us

When her tactlessness was pointed out by widows who (like myself) do not wear rings. I would be horrified to think that someone would judge how I felt about my marriage and my husband by such a private thing

Yes. This ^

I hope you're still listening.

My husband died, I take my rings off frequently for a variety of reasons. All private reasons. Grief is a very strange thing and it would seem you don't really have the first clue about that.

I'm now thinking that lots of people are out there judging me.
If you're judging your mil, there's not much hope for acquaintances.

I don't know how you all cope with losing a DP and you have my complete sympathy.
My DM died a few years ago and it nearly destroyed me so I do feel for all of you and only wish you well.
But read back the thread.
Maybe OP's MIL IS cold and odd, maybe she did struggle when her DH was very ill, maybe OP DID take a lot of the burden on.
I see MILs getting 100% worse slating on here every day!
OP hasn't told us that she had an argument with her MIL, or slagged her off to her entire family, she hasn't mentioned it to her DP as she knows it's not appropriate.
But it seemed unusual to her.
Maybe it's the first real encounter with death and grief she's had?
We don't know!
I just think a lot of posters have presumed she should have some much greater knowledge and understanding.
She was asking a question.
Maybe not worded as you would like, but maybe this could have been pointed out kindly, rather than the deeply unpleasant responses she got.
The whole thread reads like a pack of wolves have descended upon her.
I find it uncomfortable to read.

Agreed Stopmithering.

Maybe the OP is lacking in empathy towards her MIL but two wrongs don't make a right, some of the responces were unnecessary. Maybe the OP is also mourning and saw the ring as a sentimental piece and doesn't understand why her MIL took it off so soon?

I'm truly sorry for those that have lost a loved one and were upset by the OP (I don't think it was done in spite)

You cope losing a dh as you have no choice

All my friends said I coped so well and no way could they have coped

There is no choice !!

You have to

I think op got a thrashing as kept going on what she did for fil

Yes she can ask but she was given many reasons why mil may have taken her rings off but all op kept mentioning was the care she gave fil and how mil seemed to be cold and uncaring

She did say several times in the first couple of pages she agreed she was being unreasonable.

Her mentioning the caring aspect was in response to some questions. Perhaps also to put some context or defend herself from the thrashing she got. I don't know, all got a bit weird!

But her OP wasn't asking about a cold and odd MIL. it was specifically asking about this issue of whether it was odd for her MIL to take off her ring. which isn't at all odd and is offensive to those who did the same thing
And when she was told no by a dozen different people, some of whom identified themselves as having been in precisely her MIL's position, rather than apprecisting the insight (some of which was actually quite emotional and difficult to share) she was deliberately goady all over again in her replies.

I only kept laying in because of those goady replies; it was genuinely very upsetting to me personally. You haven't walked in my shoes. I hope you never have to. But perhaps you've been on the other side of an AIBU where you feel judged by the OP and upset by that? And then imagine that the judgment is on the 'oddness' of something you've done regarding your darling late husband who you've just cried about missing with your kids while you tucked them into bed.

Finally, did you take the time to AS the OP? I did; she has form for goadyness. I reported her and said on here that I was reporting her. I don't troll hunt, I report.

Somerville

I've not lost a spouse but people extremely close to me. It's utter devastation. I didn't ask any questions to the OP as she has clearly gone, that's what she implied anyway.

I personally think AIBU is that type of Board to attract goady posters in general. On the rare occasion the thread can be supportive but I don't see them often.

My post was in no way trivialising people's experience. I had the impression the OP was reacting. She might also be mourning (not comparable to the MIL) and being called a twat etc. might have riled her.

AIBU is a mixed bag. I often find people slam MIL's on here so the OP got it wrong this time.

I'm sorry for your loss.