re widowed MIL and wedding ring?

[lulucappuccino]

FIL died (relatively young) three weeks ago, after a long illness. MIL isn't a particularly warm person, but they had a long, good marriage.

I noticed that that she's not wearing her wedding ring (not a one-off, it's been several occasions).

She's definitely not on the lookout for another man.

I haven't mentioned this to DH.

I think it's odd. It's absolutely up to her though, of course. Her marriage. Her grief. Her finger!

Just seems a bit odd. I'm being unreasonable to think that though, aren't I?

She isn't married anymore.

Hmm. I think it is a bit odd. My father's third wife had a really good first marriage. My father was her second. She never removed her first, my fathers was worn next to it. She was buried with her first husband although that to my father was happy.

Not sure I'd have started a thread about it. Perhaps it's been sent away so she can have an identical copy made from his ashes.

Perhaps too, she had to pawn it to go towards the funeral.

Perhaps too, she had to pawn it to go towards the funeral.

Oh yeah, that'll be it. Instead of applying for a funeral payment....

"Hmm. I think it is a bit odd."

BeauGlacons how rude and judgemental. When my husband died I removed my wedding ring. Surely a choice, and very personal.

Some people have no choice but to be the only support. It's sadly how the world is.

It is entirely up to the very newly bereaved MIL what she does with her ring. Right now, just about anything she does in her new life could be considered as 'normal'.

Not sure I'd have started a thread about it

No because you're a normal person, the op is probably loving the attention she's getting from her crappy attitude towards bereavement, especially of a family member.

How long has he been ill for? IME a terminal illness can take away the person you love long before they actually die.

That sort the of DIL. Yep, the sort who bed baths an incapable man, the sort who deals with catheters and picks him off the floor when he's collapsed in pain because of infections due to catheter, the one who rushes him to the hospital because he's taken the wrong pills, the sort who sits in on literally hundreds of medical appointments to help the spouse out, the sort who does a huge amount of personal 'stuff' for the spouse, the sort who liaises with family members on phone and email to update and answer their questions daily, the sort who is known by name by all staff at the hospital Pharmacy, the sort who's helping their DS through his grief. All while having my own family to look after and job to hold down.

She's not my mother, she's my MIL. She would have had to rely a lot more on carers and people at Sue Ryder if I hadn't prioritised FIL's welfare.

She didn't need to pawn the ring! The DC paid for the funeral jointly.

Not exactly the same situation, but when I split up from my ex-husband I took my rings off almost straight away, even though I didn't divorce him for a couple of years. It was a difficult - but necessary - first step to accepting that he wasn't coming back.

NeatAndTidy, I also had one ring made from both our wedding rings. I wear it all the time, because it's such a comfort. I did this quite soon after losing DH last year. I have some of his ashes set into it, so I feel we're not parted, if that makes sense? for your loss.

How people must have judged and pointed and whispered about my "lack of warmth" and "oddness", during the 6 weeks of no ring on my finger!

And to the OP, you show a shocking lack of empathy, or maybe you're just a wanker, amusing themselves taunting the recently bereaved.

The sort of DIL who found a lip-reader to interpret his speech over his few days in the hospice. MIL was grateful for that.

SchnitzelVonKrumm illness can bring about its own bereavement - you can grieve for the life you no longer have, for the future which is changed, for the relationship which is now different, but you cannot properly grieve for a person until they are dead. It is an entirely different thing. I have seen many people widowed by cancer thinking that they are 'over it' as they have already done their grieving whilst their partner was still alive. The majority of them crash at a later stage because of it.

When you lose a spouse you encounter a lot of judgmental idiots who have a strong opinion on the right way for a widow to behave.

It's not too long before you work out who you can trust and who to disassociate from.

But the judgement sticks with you. That feeling that you might not be grieving right, might not be showing enough sadness - or too much - or raising your kids the way your darling husband would want you to, or getting involved with someone else too soon.

I know a few other widows from a support group and we've all made very different decisions about our rings. Your marriage is over but you had no say in that matter. Where does that leave you? It's very hard, and very personal.

Not all long illnesses are cancer, ChasingPavements

I stopped wearing my wedding ring a few months after my DH died.

Mostly due to the awful flare up of Eczema, probably due to the whole stress of the time, I had that made my hands cracked and bleeding.

Yes a few of DH's family noticed my not wearing it (mostly MIL) and felt the need to comment

Give the woman a break and keep your nose out, maybe rethink your attitiude, have some compassion to what she is going through

No they're not, and I didn't mean to infer that they were. I still believe that life limiting illness is incredibly traumatic for the person and close relatives, but you can not properly grieve for anyone until they are dead.

When my husband died my first emotion was relief. I was just so relieved that he was no longer in pain. It was just the start of a thousand different emotions to rain down on me.

The sort of DIL who found a lip-reader to interpret his speech over his few days in the hospice. MIL was grateful for that.

And the sort of dil who thinks she's odd for removing her wedding ring and posts online about it. I expect MIL would be grateful for that too.

MIL wouldn't know about that DozyDinosaur

No but no doubt she knows exactly what sort of person you are, sneaky lulu.

She does indeed.

Her ring is a constant reminder that he is no longer with her. It maybe that she's lost weight and took it off for safe keeping or would like to past it down to family. She may put it on a necklace rather then wear it on her finger. There's a million scenarios but it's irrevelant in the grand scheme of things. People cope in different ways with their grief.

Wow, you nosey ass.

It has nothing to do with you how someone grieves.

Bloody hell.