re widowed MIL and wedding ring?

[lulucappuccino]

FIL died (relatively young) three weeks ago, after a long illness. MIL isn't a particularly warm person, but they had a long, good marriage.

I noticed that that she's not wearing her wedding ring (not a one-off, it's been several occasions).

She's definitely not on the lookout for another man.

I haven't mentioned this to DH.

I think it's odd. It's absolutely up to her though, of course. Her marriage. Her grief. Her finger!

Just seems a bit odd. I'm being unreasonable to think that though, aren't I?

It sounds like you've done a lot for your PILs but it still comes across as a bit unpleasant to be posting on the internet about whether or not a grieving woman is wearing her wedding ring. Why shouldn't she take it off? Maybe she can't look at it as it makes her too sad? Not hard to imagine that really.
Why is it an odd thing to do? Are you suggesting it's a betrayal of some sort? It really isn't and I imagine she'd be hurt to think that is what you are thinking. Poor woman.

I think it's interesting :) Not odd or weird, but interesting that a wedding ring becomes saturated with emotional significance.

I'm really not sentimental about objects (to the point where many MNers would find me odd ) and my marriage was, in any case, short and ill-advised. But the difficulties I had in deciding when and how to take off that ring! I surprised myself.

The experience did give me a lot more empathy with my mother's angst over what to do about her rings after Dad died. She faffed about wearing them as before, not wearing them at all, wearing them on a necklace and wearing them on her right hand. Very much as I'd done during my divorce, but over a longer period. She now wears them on her right hand. (Me, I sold mine when I was broke.)

It's a normal part of grief, this ring-displacement. Different people do it differently: there isn't a "right" way, just as there's no right way to grieve.

Timelytess, my XH rarely wore his wedding ring. He claimed it irritated his skin and I felt that was psychosomatic - it was quite upsetting. He wore another gold ring permanently, so it was evident that only the one I gave him caused the (supposed) rash.

I have to say OP you're coming across as a very nasty piece of work. Did you mean to appear like that?

When you lose a spouse there is no normal. There is only what you can cope with and what you can't. If she feels it helps her to get through the day then that is her right.
If you feel it's a sign that she might not be coping and is in need of help, then you could ask her about it, gently. But I honestly wouldn't since it doesn't sound like there are other signs that she might be struggling .

What a horrible post

Personally if I had lost my DH I would keep both my rings safe and his ring to past down to my DD and DS.

My parents were married for over 40 years. My dad removed his ring straight away and also began dating after 6 weeks... That's a whole different thread though!!
Then me on the other hand, married for 6 months and I hardly ever wear mine, because forget or my fingers swell up!
Perhaps it's too painful for her to look at the ring?

My parents were married for over 40 years. My dad removed his ting straight away and also began dating after 6 weeks... That's a whole different thread though!!
Then me on the other hand, married for 6 months and I hardly ever wear mine, because forget or my fingers swell up!
Perhaps it's too painful for her to look at the ring?

OP, why is it bothering you that she isn't wearing her wedding ring?

It isn't bothering me. I just needed to be told I was BU in finding it odd. I thought I was, but I wanted to check without speaking to anyone IRL.

Why?

Phew. It's lucky then that you have AIBU - if you had voiced this to your DH or anyone in RL, they would've thought you a right twat.

YABVVU to think that you can make anything close to an accurate judgement on something you are lucky enough to be unable to even begin to understand.

Accept that your mil will say, feel and do things that will seem very odd, and just go along with it. You have no idea of the pain she will be feeling, and still has yet to come.

It's lucky then that you have AIBU - if you had voiced this to your DH or anyone in RL, they would've thought you a right twat.

Now it's only most of MN who have that opinion... good one, OP.

Of course, but that's what an anonymous online forum's for.

Of course it was bothering you. Why else would you need to be told that you were bein unreasonable?

When you become a widow :( whatever you do will be wrong in someone's eyes

Grief makes you do many things

My dh died 5yrs ago. I took my wedding rings off 3yrs ago. Places on right hand. Felt right to me

Few people queried it

Whatever feels right to your mil is right for her and tbh none of your business !!!!!

OP why were you doing a lot of the caring for FIL?

It was me and DH, although only me going to most of the appointments as my working hours are more flexible.

MIL wasn't very 'hands-on', particularly when it came to physically dealing with FIL. She couldn't handle anything toilet-related and didn't feel strong enough to move him in bed or to a chair etc. She also drank in the evenings and had games of bridge organised with with her friends so couldn't do emergency runs to the hospital with him. I could pick-up prescriptions as it was near my workplace. She was tired, so I did a lot of cleaning, laundry etc. She also went on a lot of day trips and a few overnights when he needed 24 hour care.

Towards the end I did a lot less because he was in a hospice. Of course we visited all the time though.

The other siblings would have helped, but lived further away.

I didn't take his confused bad tempers personally, which helped.

You did a lot for your FIL OP and that's to be admired.

Do you think you feel a little resentful towards your MIL? Because you did a lot of things for FIL that weren't really your responsibility.

No, I don't feel resentful at all. I volunteered to do it and was happy to help, although it wasn't very jolly at times. The only reason I mention it is because people are accusing me of not caring.

MIL isn't a natural carer and has lived a pampered kind of life, so I don't think she's done anything wrong - it's just not her forte. She is emotionally cold. I think she resented the fact that her husband's condition meant that they had a difficult few years, but I can sympathise with that if I'm honest.

Did he have a Macmillan nurse ?

I don't think there's anything wrong with you thinking or pondering on a forum OP. I'd probably wonder about it too.

What is odd is the mass over reaction and demonising of you.

AIBU really is a fucking box of monkeys.

No, he had a carer who came in the daytime and then spent time with Sue Ryder care.