Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To just book flights and tell husband to sort kids

138 replies

Mousedl1 · 24/04/2016 06:42

AIBU or is my DH -said losely at this point- he works shifts so leaves the house at 6.00am daily. But last night I got a phone call late at night saying my granddad who lives in Southern Ireland is seriously ill has MRSA and his organs are shutting down. The hospital have said he is dying and non responsive and it's a matter of time.
I want to book flights today to go there coming back Tues or Wed to either say goodbye or attend his funeral as in Ireland it's literally straight away. He is saying he can't change shifts it's too late and refusing to help try and sort anything for our 3 DC which would mean I can't go! I feel like just booking my flight and saying tough shit you best sort something

OP posts:

TerrorAustralis · 24/04/2016 06:46

Just go.

Ickythumpsmum · 24/04/2016 06:46

Can you afford to take your kids? I had to do the same - I took the kids when my gran dies. My parents ŵere delighted, it really cheered them up. I did have friends who looked after them during the sadder aspect of things though.

If you can afford it, book you and the kids asap. Less to worry about.

pearlylum · 24/04/2016 06:47

No I disagree.
A family is a team, and you both have responsibilities.
Part of having a family means you just can't suddenly drop the ball sometimes.

LindyHemming · 24/04/2016 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NapQueen · 24/04/2016 06:55

He doesnt need to "change his shifts" - he calls work and says he needs to take some emergency parental leave due to childcare and whilst it will probably be unpaid they should accept it.

WellErrr · 24/04/2016 06:55

Yes, just go. He'll sort something. You would, if it were the other way round, wouldn't you?

Tootsiepops · 24/04/2016 06:55

Your primary responsibility is to your children. Is your husband concerned about the stability of his employment? It's not his blood relative who is dying, so perhaps his employers might not understand or grant any requests for shift changes or sudden leave?

I'm sorry your grandad is so poorly. My mum died week before last and although I was at the hospital when she died, I couldn't sit by her bedside constantly because she was in intensive care and my 5 month old daughter wasn't allowed in.

If your husband is just being stubborn and purposefully difficult, then if I were in your position, I don't think my relationship would survive this.

curren · 24/04/2016 06:56

On the face of it neither are being unreasonable.

Can he take last minute holiday? What happens if he phones in sick?can he afford to take time off?

Not everyone can just take time off last minute, unfortunately.

It really depends. If my dh said he couldn't take time off I would believe him. But then he is generally supportive and great with the kids.

Rhubardandcustard · 24/04/2016 06:58

Just go.
There is a thing called emergency time off for dependants and your husband will just have to use this. Yes will be unpaid time off but employer will have to allow it. It would only be 2-3 days.

I disagree with pearlum, yes being in a family means you can't just drop the ball, but her dad is dying, these are extreme circumstances and her family therefore should be as supportive to her as possible.
Taking 2-3 days unpaid for him, would probably equal airplane fairs for them all to go.

I don't know how old your DC are but if their of school age then your DH can say need to switch shifts do shorter days for 3 days.
He is being very unreasonable and unsupportive.

3littlefrogs · 24/04/2016 07:05

I would take the kids TBH. I wouldn't want the added stress of wondering what was happening while i was away.
But I would be reconsidering the marriage .

You would have to inform the school. I would write a letter saying your DH has refused to look after the DC, so you have no choice but to take them out of school.

pearlylum · 24/04/2016 07:05

Rhubardandcustard

No her dad is not dying- ddi you read the first post?

There is a thing called emergency time off for dependants and your husband will just have to use this.

This is not a dependant though.

Pilgit · 24/04/2016 07:06

He is being very unsupportive. For me that attitude would really affect my respect for DH. He's refusing to see it as a family issues to solve - his only solution is you not seeing your grandad and missing get his funeral (potentially). Not acceptable. Is he usually this unsupportive? Would he have the same attitude if it was his grandad?

Original poster

Mousedl1 · 24/04/2016 07:10

He works in retail doing deliverys and due to a really strained family bringing children wouldn't be suitable as we will be in a hotel and youngest are 3 and 5. Plus in Iteland they do open coffin the night before so I wouldn't want to expose them to that or try and sit them in a hospital with him dying trying to entertain them. One is in school with after school club and I can add breakfast club so 7.30am to 5.30pm and one is in nursary Mon and Wed and I can add Tuesday plus breakfast club so childcare from 7.00am to 6.00pm
He has a sister that lives 2 mins from us who doesn't work Monday's so may help him but he won't even ask. He hasn't tried to help with a solution and moaned about going till Wed and why couldn't I go today and come back tomorrow.
I really feel if I miss saying goodbye because he didn't even try to help I will never forgive him!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mousedl1 · 24/04/2016 07:11

There is also the fact my mum has really poor health and will not be able to attend if I don't

OP posts:

NapQueen · 24/04/2016 07:12

Just go, OP. Him "refusing" is going to cause a rift anyways so why not let it be the rift that allows you the chance to say goodbye to your grabdad.

pearlylum · 24/04/2016 07:13

OH is not being unsupportive- he's working to pu a roof over his family's head.
MY OH could not get last minute leave for such a circumstance- nor would I expect it.

coolaschmoola · 24/04/2016 07:19

Pearlylum - the CHILDREN are his dependents .

Op go. Rethink your marriage when you get back. I would take a friend's children in this situation - he won't even look after his own. I'm disgusted.

curren · 24/04/2016 07:19

The think is (god this sounds awful) but he hasn't passed yet. The hospital saying it could be anytime, doesn't mean it will be. He could hold on for another day or two.

My family are in Ireland. It's usually three days (approximately) before the funeral. If you go tomorrow, it could be Thursday or Friday before the funeral.

You say you need to be there for the funeral so your mum can go. Do you want to say goodbye or go to the funeral. If it's the funeral you need to be there for I would wait. Tell dh he needs to speak to work and try and work something out. Give them some notice he may need to change shifts. Then as soon as the funeral day is confirmed, book.

pearlylum · 24/04/2016 07:24

"Pearlylum - the CHILDREN are his dependents hmm. "

Yes, and thankfully nothing wrong with them. Nor their mother.

This is simply a childcare issue not an emergency.

SpoiltUngratefulWretch · 24/04/2016 07:25

Bear in mind that his death might be several days away from your arrival and the funeral could be a couple of weeks after that. Unless you can afford to go twice you will either have to stick around for up to a fortnight or even longer, or you will have to choose whether to be at his bedside or his funeral.

Original poster

Mousedl1 · 24/04/2016 07:27

I would rather say goodbye then go to the funeral to be honest and I have spoken to the hospital today and he is unresponsive and is organs are closing down so it's pain killers to make him comfortable and nothing else. I pay the bills and rent he doesn't pay any of that and his money is his - yes I earn more so it's not as if we couldn't pay anything

OP posts:

Rhubardandcustard · 24/04/2016 07:32

Pearlylum
You go back and read the OP post. Hosiptal have said her dad is dying!
If my husband was unsupportive as hers is being I would be livid!

curren · 24/04/2016 07:33

Right so you want to say goodbye. Understandable.

Will you mum understand you (and so she) can't go to the funeral?

So what are his options? Do you think he can change his shift tomorrow and just won't try?

I would make a list of options that you know are available to him and tell him that you are going so he needs to pick one. You are going, he needs to pick one.

If you go tomorrow (and your grandad hasn't passed) and come back Wednesday can your kids go with you as you are unlikely to be there for the funeral? Or is that still a no go?

curren · 24/04/2016 07:35

You go back and read the OP post. Hosiptal have said her dad is dying!

I can't see where it says her dad is dying.

Some companies are supportive when this sort of things happen. Sometimes not when it's a partners grandparent.

pearlylum · 24/04/2016 07:36

" saying my granddad who lives in Southern Ireland is seriously ill has MRSA and his organs are shutting down. "

Rhubardandcustard I have copied the OP for clarification.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6