Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To just book flights and tell husband to sort kids

138 replies

Mousedl1 · 24/04/2016 06:42

AIBU or is my DH -said losely at this point- he works shifts so leaves the house at 6.00am daily. But last night I got a phone call late at night saying my granddad who lives in Southern Ireland is seriously ill has MRSA and his organs are shutting down. The hospital have said he is dying and non responsive and it's a matter of time.
I want to book flights today to go there coming back Tues or Wed to either say goodbye or attend his funeral as in Ireland it's literally straight away. He is saying he can't change shifts it's too late and refusing to help try and sort anything for our 3 DC which would mean I can't go! I feel like just booking my flight and saying tough shit you best sort something

OP posts:

Rhubardandcustard · 24/04/2016 07:38

Pearlylum
Direct quote from you gov
'As an employee you are allowed time off to deal with an emergency involving a dependant. A dependant could be a spouse, partner, child, grandchild, parent or someone who depends on you for care. You are allowed a reasonable time off to deal with the emergency'
He husband could take this time off and said having to do the care for his cell dependants, the DC, whilst his wife is at the bedside of her very ill father.
Wtf is unreasonable about that?

pearlylum · 24/04/2016 07:42

FFs it's not the OPs father- why do you insist it is?

emergency involving a dependant - yes and this is not an emergency involving a dependant.

steff13 · 24/04/2016 07:43

I can't see that this would be an emergency involving a dependent, but I could be wrong.

OP, is there a reason why you can't call your SIL and ask her to watch your kids? What have you tried to sort out as far as alternate arrangements?

NapQueen · 24/04/2016 07:44

It most certainly is an emergency involving a dependent if the OP goes. He is unable to leave his children u supervised. His usual childcare has fallen through.

What would a single parent do whose childcare is unable to take the kids that day and they have no alternative? They call work and say they need to take emergebcy leave.

pearlylum · 24/04/2016 07:46

This is not an emergency- it is a planned withdrawal of childcare.

Cheby · 24/04/2016 07:47

Just go OP. It sounds like your DP has options open to him but can't be arsed to try and find a solution.

Book the flights and go. If you have time maybe ask his sister to help out tomorrow. Hen let him deal with the rest of it. If this was my husband I would have already booked the flights for him and would be expecting to sort the childcare stuff out myself, even if I couldn't see a practical way to do it at that moment in time.

pearlylum · 24/04/2016 07:49

I wouldn't even ask my OH to take days off like this at such short notice. I know the impact it would have in his job.
Unless it was an emergency involving me or the kids then taking unplanned leave at short notice would not be an option.

MorrisZapp · 24/04/2016 07:50

Hopelessly unsupportive of your husband. Just go if you need to, he's an adult and he can sort out whatever's necessary.

Rhubardandcustard · 24/04/2016 07:54

Pearlylum
Sorry just re-read it's her grandad. Apologies there.
But grandad or dad it's still family. I would expect my supportive partner to do all he could to help me at this emotional time.
It would come under emergency time off for dependants as he can say to work that his wife who usually does the childcare is away with a dying relative. Its not forever - we are talking 2-3 days max.

cansu · 24/04/2016 07:55

He is being an arse. I would personally get on the phone, book children into the before and after school club, phone his sister yourself and ask her to help. You shouldn't have to do this but he is making it your problem to sort. I would then inform him what you have arranged and go. If you feel like it tell him you are very disappointed that he wouldn't help you with this. You are of course right to go.

skankingpiglet · 24/04/2016 07:56

How is it the 'planned' removal of childcare? Something has happened outside of OP's control to which she needs to attend, meaning childcare has fallen through. The DC's DF needs to take parental leave. It's not risking his job or any other such silliness. It is a valid form of leave for the circumstances, like sick leave would be if he got flu and couldn't work. If he and his employer were sensible about it they could move his shifts given the circs rather than DH not be in at all for a few days, but if the employer won't then he just has to use parental leave (or arrange emergency childcare himself. Why are the childcare emergencies always the woman's problem to fix?)

Silvertap · 24/04/2016 07:56

I'd go. I wouldn't expect him to not go to work but I would expect him to help me organise them ie asking his sister.

Emergency time off for dependants is not to do the childcare in an emergency. It more like a day (2 at the most) to arrange childcare.

pearlylum · 24/04/2016 07:57

Not all jobs lend themselves to this type of luxury though.

My OH would be stuck in the shit if he tried to take a few days off at the last minute. Except in a real emergency. My extended family doesn't count as an emergency.

steff13 · 24/04/2016 07:58

You shouldn't have to do this but he is making it your problem to sort.

I disagree with this. If I were leaving, for whatever reason, I'd expect to be the one to sort out the alternate arrangements.

cansu · 24/04/2016 08:04

Steff as part of a couple who live together, any emergency is responded to together. I cannot imagine a situation where I would shrug my shoulders and tell a partner that it wasn't convenient for them to go and say goodbye to a dying relative. I would do whatever I could to help sort out childcare while they were away. I would want to help. The OP is not living in a bloody flat share it is her husband!

RJnomore1 · 24/04/2016 08:05

Swallow your pride phone the sister and go. That gives him till tomorrow to sort out something for Tuesday and Wednesday. Just get there.

However this a sign of bigger problems isn't it, why does he keep all his own money? Is he always this unsupportive? Basically sounds like he's checked out of family life from what you say. I'm really sorry you're facing this loss and I'm really sorry he is being a dick I'd get through the next few days then think carefully about what you want long term.

ClopySow · 24/04/2016 08:06

If something happened in his family, who would look after the children so he could attend funeral? I'm guessing OP...?

What's with the not paying any rent or bills then? That goes against pearlys argument of him working to keep a roof over your head.

pearlylum · 24/04/2016 08:12

When my OHs father died he took 2 hours off so he could attend the funeral.
When my OHs brother died he didn't go to the funeral, as it was not an emergency so couldn't get time off work.
That's the way it goes in some jobs.

LagunaBubbles · 24/04/2016 08:18

Planned withdrawal of childcare? What a pile of nonsense!! A relative dying is an emergency situation.

AugustaFinkNottle · 24/04/2016 08:20

Why can't you phone his sister?

Ameliablue · 24/04/2016 08:20

Pearlylum, if that is the case you're oh's employers are very unreasonable but that isn't the case with every employer and there is protection in law for dealing with a breakdown in child care which this is.

pearlylum · 24/04/2016 08:21

This isn't a breakdown in childcare though. Nor is it an emergency.

NapQueen · 24/04/2016 08:23

Gosh Pearly you and your dh have hearts of stone.

2 hours off for his dads funeral and didnt even attend his brothers.

Believeitornot · 24/04/2016 08:25

I'm torn. I suspect we haven't heard the full story or exactly how the OP broached this with her dh.

His job doesn't sound like one where they'd look too kindly on this but I suspect he hasn't actually bothered to ask, he has just assumed it can't be done because it is a difficult conversation to have. Same with asking his sister.

Colchestergal · 24/04/2016 08:26

pearlymum you are coming across as lacking compassion.

Regardless, the OP loves her relative and wants to say goodbye. That is not unreasonable and as she has only a small timeframe to do so, it is an emergency.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6