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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just book flights and tell husband to sort kids

138 replies

Mousedl1 · 24/04/2016 06:42

AIBU or is my DH -said losely at this point- he works shifts so leaves the house at 6.00am daily. But last night I got a phone call late at night saying my granddad who lives in Southern Ireland is seriously ill has MRSA and his organs are shutting down. The hospital have said he is dying and non responsive and it's a matter of time.
I want to book flights today to go there coming back Tues or Wed to either say goodbye or attend his funeral as in Ireland it's literally straight away. He is saying he can't change shifts it's too late and refusing to help try and sort anything for our 3 DC which would mean I can't go! I feel like just booking my flight and saying tough shit you best sort something

OP posts:

wheresthel1ght · 24/04/2016 08:26

You would be highly unreasonable to just up and go especially when it could take a week or more for your grandfather to pass away (took mine 4 weeks from non responsive and organs shutting down)

However the fact your husband is being a twat about helping to arrange childcare is suggesting their are bigger issues at play here.

Unfortunately a spouse's grandparent being ill would not count as justification for emergency leave at my work either, it is for my own grandparent. And he doesn't really need leave to look after the kids because there are options but he may require flexible hours in order to cover the times childcare isn't open.

That said he may know that lots of people are off sick/on holiday and so there would be no one to cover. He might know that his job is under threat or that he has taken too much time off sick etc and doesn't want to risk facing a disciplinary or possible dismissal for more time off.

The op is not informative enough on the husbands reasoning for anyone to make the call.

Discuss this properly, make a joint plan and then both of you need to sort arrangements for the kids.

Ameliablue · 24/04/2016 08:26

Of course it is both an emergency and a breakdown in child care.

CodyKing · 24/04/2016 08:30

You OH could still go to work - just start later

He should step up

You need to book this

LagunaBubbles · 24/04/2016 08:30

Pearlymum I agree that whether you mean to or not you are coming across as lacking in compassion and a bit scornful at the work life balance when it comes to death. He didn't even take time off to go to his brothers funeral? 2 hours for his Dad's. Oh yea is your OH so important work couldn't manage without him for longer eh?!

DoreenLethal · 24/04/2016 08:30

'My wife has had a family emergency so I need two days leave to look after my kids'
'Is there anyone else that can help'
'Yes my sister - she could help out on Monday'
'Well, what about asking her and only taking one day's leave'
'Oh, yes good idea boss, why didn't my wife think of that for me?'

pearlylum · 24/04/2016 08:34

laguna- "He didn't even take time off to go to his brothers funeral? 2 hours for his Dad's. "

No he couldn't get time off for his brother's funeral. He was flying to Iraq for a week. Flights were booked, he is not in the military, but security had been arranged, an oil plant processing had begun a planned step down before his arrival, I don't think it would have gone down well to call in and cancel.

He was similarly busy on the day of his father's funeral, but he had more pressing comittments at work than to watch everyone getting tipsy at a local hotel crying into their handkerchiefs.

CodyKing · 24/04/2016 08:37

than to watch everyone getting tipsy at a local hotel crying into their handkerchiefs

so disrespectful

Hope he does before you - so you don't inconvenience him!

ClopySow · 24/04/2016 08:39

Jesus fucking christ pearly

Maybe you should head on over to the bereavement section and have words with everyone on how to deal with grief. It would be as appropriate as what you're doing now, you know, on a thread where a woman is upset over her dying grandfather.

Angelina2 · 24/04/2016 08:41

For those discussing the right to time off for dependents, it is not intended to cover several days off work to look after children yourself, only enough time to make alternative childcare arrangements in an emergency. It's also not appropriate for something you know about in advance. www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants/your-rights

LagunaBubbles · 24/04/2016 08:41

Your "more pressing commitments than watching everyone get tipsy and crying into their hankies" comment is appalling and so disrespectful. What a nightmare having these family people dying and impacting on his working life...oh well priorities and all that....

Tootsiepops · 24/04/2016 08:42

He was similarly busy on the day of his father's funeral, but he had more pressing comittments at work than to watch everyone getting tipsy at a local hotel crying into their handkerchiefs.

This is so cold hearted it just gave me chills.

Amummyatlast · 24/04/2016 08:42

I agree with pearlymum. There are some jobs where getting time off at short notice is extremely difficult. And time off for dependants is for a short time to sort out emergencies, such as arranging childcare when you have been let down, not to do the childcare youself. That said, he should be stepping up to help you arrange childcare for the time you need to be away.

Tartsamazeballs · 24/04/2016 08:42

I'm glad Pearlylum isn't in my family I think you're bonkers. But then neither my husband or I would choose a job like that I guess, so swings and roundabouts.

In my mind, the solution would be that SIL looks after kids Monday, Partner informs his work ASAP that partner's grandparent is dying in another country and he is having difficulty finding adequate childcare for them. He can do tues and weds 8.30-5 or whatever extended school hours are. Gives the company Monday to pull in anyone else they have to cover the rest of his shift.

Dollymixtureyumyum · 24/04/2016 08:43

My god pearly some people actually put family before work and rightly so.
Most people will not go to their grave saying I wish I worked more but I bet there are loads that think they should have put their family first.
"More pressing commitments at work than to watch everyone getting tipsy at a local hotel crying into their handkerchiefs"
WTF

FatPaul · 24/04/2016 08:44

Some jobs do not allow their employees to take leave at short notice or to change their working ours, you're a team so you sort it out together.

FatPaul · 24/04/2016 08:45

Hours*

ScarletForYa · 24/04/2016 08:48

Just go OP, let the selfish arse suck it up.

LagunaBubbles · 24/04/2016 08:50

Whether some jobs "allow" employees to take time off at short notice or not, human beings aren't robots and such have lives that involve emotions and attachments to other humans - any decent employer should recognise this. People get sick to at short notice and have to be off.

juneau · 24/04/2016 08:52

Why can't you call up his sister and ask? You're the one who wants to go away for a few days.

Personally I think you should go and he should be supportive of you going, but I also think that you, being the one who normally handles the school runs, etc, should be the one to sort out an alternative if you're not going to be there. Your DH is being an arse, but if you want to go then you need to sort out childcare and go.

Amummyatlast · 24/04/2016 08:53

But not all employers are decent. How much shit will the family be in if the OP's DH is one of those who will sack employees for lack of perceived commitment.

I would never just book the flights and go without thinking about how it would impact on the rest of the family. That's just as selfish as the DH not helping OP arrange childcare.

LunaLoveg00d · 24/04/2016 08:56

Parental leave is appropriate in this case, but as others have said it is a day or two to arrange alternative childcare, not to do the childcare yourself. It doesn't matter how inconvenient it is to the employer or how many people are off, the right is there and the OP's husband can just exercise that right. (But of course there is the matter of things being awkward when he gets back).

OP it's a hard situation as others have said there are no set timescales for this sort of thing. You might need to get your head around either being there to say goodbye or being there for the funeral, not doing both.

I would call the sister and beg for her help. These are not normal circumstances and most people would be happy to help.

AyeAmarok · 24/04/2016 08:56

Pearly, you're weird.

OP, book your flights and go. He sounds like a waste of space TBH.

DoreenLethal · 24/04/2016 08:58

He was similarly busy on the day of his father's funeral, but he had more pressing comittments at work than to watch everyone getting tipsy at a local hotel crying into their handkerchiefs.

Wow. What a warm and generous family you all sound.

Why can't you call up his sister and ask? You're the one who wants to go away for a few days

Presumably because he IS the actual father of the kids and as such is equally responsible for them. No doubt if he had something pressing he would just expect the wifey to pick up the slack.

wheresthel1ght · 24/04/2016 09:02

Wow pearly is getting a hard time.

Funerals are not everyone's priority. Some people would rather remember the persons life. Just because your outlook is different to hers doesn't mean you are right and she is wrong

DailyFailAreABunchOfCunts · 24/04/2016 09:03

OK you have two issues here - going to Ireland and your DH's attitude. So, one at a time:

First priority is ring your H's sister, ask if she can help and explain the situation. Get things squared away with her and book your flights and go. Tell your H it has been sorted out and when you'll be back. Don't get into further discussion with him and make it clear that this is not up for debate. You need to see your Grandad - you're clearly upset about this and if you don't go to say your goodbyes, you'll regret it.

When you come back, you need to have a serious think about the balance in your relationship. I cannot imagine being told that one of my family members is dying and my H refusing to pick up any slack or get involved. I find it very telling that your H has not bothered to pick up the phone and speak to his employer to see if emergency leave is available, or a work colleague who might be sympathetic and swap swifts, or his sister to ask for her help. He hasn't bothered at all. That is a huge red flag for me because it suggests that he doesn't give a shiny shite about your feelings.

I would be very wary about being able to rely on him. - what happens if you become ill? Are you expected to carry on regardless being the main earner and the parent whilst he flits in and out from work? They are his children too but he is leaving all of the heavy lifting and pulling to you. If you were just wanting to arrange a night out or a weekend away, then I get that if you're the one who usually sorts childcare then it would fall to you to manage it. However this is an extraordinary circumstance; someone is dying. In this situation I am quite taken aback that your H is moaning about the impact to him. He sounds breathtakingly selfish and I would not be at all surprised if this was a feature elsewhere in your marriage.

I sincerely hope you manage to go and see your Grandad. I also hope that when you come back you have a good think about whether this relationship is working for you or not. Perhaps it can be fixed, perhaps not.

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