To just book flights and tell husband to sort kids

[Mousedl1]

AIBU or is my DH -said losely at this point- he works shifts so leaves the house at 6.00am daily. But last night I got a phone call late at night saying my granddad who lives in Southern Ireland is seriously ill has MRSA and his organs are shutting down. The hospital have said he is dying and non responsive and it's a matter of time.
I want to book flights today to go there coming back Tues or Wed to either say goodbye or attend his funeral as in Ireland it's literally straight away. He is saying he can't change shifts it's too late and refusing to help try and sort anything for our 3 DC which would mean I can't go! I feel like just booking my flight and saying tough shit you best sort something

So sorry I am hopeless at this, meant to start a new thread not crash this one. I think you should just go by the way.

Not to everyone
Well yes it wouldn't be too someone completely lacking in empathy.

If you can afford to cover mortgage and bills etc if he is sacked then i would go, as that would be the worst case scenario.

"Well yes it wouldn't be too someone completely lacking in empathy."

You can't say that. My OH didn't attend his brother's funeral partly because he doesn't think they are important and partly because of work.

To say he lacks empathy is wrong. My OH was deeply affected by his brother's death. He was brought up by his brother after their mother died when they were children.
I watched my OHs pain when he was told the news, I watched him cry himself to sleep for weeks afterwards.

You are wrong to judge like this simply because he doesn't rate funerals.

Why are you banging on about funerals?

It's fine that your OH didn't go. Just don't try to impose that view on people.

As in this case, even if it's not important for Mouse's OH, it is to her. And she feels the need to go. He should respect that and should be telling her to go.

I suppose it depends on the chances of whether he would lose his job as a result of taking unpaid leave to look after your children and on whether he (or you) will easily be able to get a new job to pay the bills. It depends very much on where you live, I think. Only you and him can know the true situation here but it does sound as if he is being very unsupportive in not even considering leave.

I think you misunderstand pearly it is your attitude towards the op that is lacking in empathy. Because you and your husband aren't interested in funerals you are highly dismissive of them and don't seem to think they should be important for anyone else. There are a variety of reasons why going to funerals is important, including to say goodbye yourself but also to provide comfort and support to others grieving.

OP - deep breath - he's not going to turn into the man you want him to be. He's clearly very crap and yes, this wouldbe a deal breaker for me, I wouldn't forgive this and wouldn't want ot be with someone like this.

So now you have a crisis to deal with - you need to go and he won't step up. Do you have family in Ireland you can call and ask if they can recommend a nanny company for 3 days? You might just have to 'throw money' at this one and hire someone to care for your DCs in a hotel room.

I would also tell him you expect him to have moved out by the time you come back. There's no way a relationship can recover from this.

It doesn't matter how good he is when things are going well, if he loved you, he'd be there for you when you were in need. You are in need right now, and he's just stepped back and told you you are on your own.

What childcare do you actually need? 6am until 8am, plus giving lifts to school/nursery, for 3 days? Do you need extra cover after school as well?

First port of call - phone and ask sil. Can you ask around for a childminder who will take your children at short notice? (There are some who will do this as a very short term option). Maybe one of the childcare workers at your child's nursery would do it as a private arrangement - since it is only 2 hours a day it won't need any legal paperwork. Failing that there are companies like sitters etc who might be able to find you someone to help.

Or emergancy nanny in the UK?

he should try and help you make sure the dc will be ok while your away so what child care when he's at work etc, surely that's want being in a relationship is you help and support each other.

Would he be able to change his shifts due to childcare issues?
Is there a friend that could help you out?
Are the children at school/nursery ? Then go to a relative / friend? Until his home from work

I hope you manage to get something sorted out and see your Grandad

I'm so sorry about your Grandfather OP , and your husband sounds like a peach [shocked] You must go OP,for your own sake.
The children are your husbands as well and he needs to step up.
I can't believe he's been an arse about you going, like another poster said that would be the end of the relationship for me I'm afraid.

I'd take the children and let family over there look after them for the hours you are busy. Yes they might not know them, but neither will a nanny.
They can be in a different room to the open coffin.
Wake your DH up now and say you're booking a flight this afternoon and you need to workout what to do with kids.
My DH wouldn't be able to take leave at no notice Monday morning, and going off sick if found out would lose him his job. But his unhelpfulness is very telling for his feelings for you that he's not trying to help you.
Sorry about your grandad and sorry you are going to have to have a big ltb chat with your husband when you return

Wow OP, your DH sounds like a right peach

You absolutely must go and visit your grandfather otherwise you will regret it and hold a grudge against your husband forever. Go.

Your DH is also a parent to your children and therefore needs to bloody step up and act like one! You're not expecting him to take three days off work - just time off to get the kids to breakfast club and nursery!

Book your flight and leave him to parent and while you're away, have a think about what he brings to the table

Horrified at pearly and her husband! Surely no job is worth missing your own brothers funeral for?! I don't care how much I earnt if tell them to go f* themselves. I don't think he's THAT important Jesus

everylittle- but my OH doesn't see funerals as important. He prefers to grieve privately.

there's no way many shift workers would be able to get time off like this. I think OP should take DC or not go. far safer and cheaper all round.

Actually grieving privately is not particularly healthy.

Thanks for most of your support the flight is booked for this evening so just grabbing stuff together. I have pulled in all the favours I can and have childcare which involves my DH taking boys to friends/ family in evening at 7 and going when they are asleep and then another mum collecting 5 year old to take to school and friend/family taking youngest to nursary oldest is bigger and gets himself to school via bike so will continue. But I am going and when I get back serious words about our household will be had as actually I full time too so there is no reason I should always pick up the pieces it should be a joint effort and I am sick of juggling every plate x

Well the way you first put it was it was because of his job he didn't go when you were trying to make a point! Either way, is a mark of respect to the person who has died. Whether you like it or not really? But that's my opinion. It's not like anyone enjoys a funeral!

lweji- says who?

My OHs private grieving includes sharing with me, his sister, his brother and step mother. All done in private. Can you tell me why that is unhealthy?

In that case it's not strictly private.
Funerals are usually where we share grief with other relatives. They don't have to attract crowds and can be fairly private too.

Maybe tell him that before you leave so he has time to think about it while you're away?

It's not fair that some men can just refuse point blank to pitch in when it's needed.

I'm sorry about your grandad OP