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Original poster

To consider ending my relationship over rape jokes?

540 replies

Genie0709 · 22/04/2016 16:31

Really sorry if this is a bit of an essay but I would appreciate any opinions/advice.

For background, my partner and I are 27 and have been together for 2.5 years. We have known each other since we were about 16. He has been the most loving, supportive, faithful person since we got together. It is a wonderful relationship and we bring out the best in each other. Currently we don't live together but we have recently started looking to buy our first house.

Last night, I was watching a programme on our Ipad which is linked to his phone. At the time, he was on the train home from work. He and his friends were having a group conversation over imessage and every incoming message popped up at the top of the Ipad as I was watching iplayer. One text appeared referring to a girl as "the one that got away, hey MrGenie" and I couldn't help myself - I opened the group chat to see who they were talking about (please no lectures, I already feel terrible and have never felt a need to snoop before). I soon realised that my partner had sent to his friends an instagram picture of a girl in a dress with her chest out. My partner had commented that he didn't know what he would do if he saw her like that. Cue the most disgusting discussion between these men joking that she was asking to be raped wearing that, even a judge would agree, etc. Gang rape was also joked about. My partner was actively participating in this chat, talking about a time when he went home with this girl after a night out and had "finished" in the taxi before they even got home because she was so hot. They didn't end up sleeping together, which he said he was "still gutted about".

Needless to say I am devastated. Reading that conversation was like reading the messages of a stranger. I have never seen this vile side of him and I feel like I don't know him at all. To me, it is so out of character but maybe he is just an absolute arsehole when I am not around. I am disgusted by the things he said and disgusted by his friends. I feel disrespected, humiliated, terrified that I do not know my own boyfriend.

I have been at work today so have avoided seeing him, but we have an appointment with a mortgage adviser tonight so I am supposed to pick him up from work in an hour. Currently, I can't even bare the thought of looking at him.

Am I overreacting - is this something you could get over? I know that these texts were sick jokes but even joking about it crosses a line in my opinion. I am distraught at the thought of ending this relationship but he obviously has this revolting immature side of him that only comes out when he's with his laddy mates. I'm not sure how I would trust him when he goes out with these friends in the future, or how I would ever look his friends in the eye again.

OP posts:
GreaseIsNotTheWord · 23/04/2016 14:19

Tell me a funny non misogynistic rape joke please, Im all ears

Well whether you find it funny or not is another matter, but I have heard rape jokes which don't actually mention women - so it is possible.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 14:20

There are decent men about, there really are uptown, I never did like the laddy types.

UptownFunk00 · 23/04/2016 14:20

I just don't understand if he isn't like them then what does he have in common with them?

IcyTeaAndScoopyScoopyDogDog · 23/04/2016 14:21

GreaseIsNotTheWord

You can't leave it like that, tell us the joke!

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 14:21

what grease beastiality, or sodomy, but I think in the context of op dp conversation, it did involve women.

LionsLedge · 23/04/2016 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 23/04/2016 14:21

They only discuss casual conquests? So some women are okay to be talked about?

Bunch of wankers.

UptownFunk00 · 23/04/2016 14:23

Definetely Aero DH and my sisters husband are two such cases. I guess we just notice the worst type the most as they infuriate us.

My ex was a terrible person and a lot of the blokes I used to know at very least had dubious choice of friends

But I also know some really nice guys, so Tis not all bad.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 14:23

But uptown he is like them, just pretends that he is not to impress op, but its slipped and he's been caught.

GreaseIsNotTheWord · 23/04/2016 14:23

This reply has been deleted

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CauliflowerBalti · 23/04/2016 14:24

I would believe him, that it's not how he really feels about women, all an act. I could believe he isn't a misogynist rape-apologiser, and I could forgive his childish need to keep up with his mates in the banter stakes. When it comes to the latter, we all have capacity to do twatty things. It's not my kind of thing - I prefer my men more sensitive and intelligent - but the banter culture is A Thing.

But I couldn't get over the hurt of him speaking of an ex in admiring, came-in-my-pants-she-was-so-hot terms. That would do it for me.

He probably isn't a bad man. Immature. But once you've lost respect for someone, and they've hurt you...

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 14:24

I know, there are out there, you have to be very careful and try and read them well, if their friends are crap, they are probably crap too.

IcyTeaAndScoopyScoopyDogDog · 23/04/2016 14:25

GreaseIsNotTheWord

I just wanted to see the non offensive rape joke you mentioned above.

Clearly I'm still waiting.

Can you tell me how that's funny because I am a little lost here.

UptownFunk00 · 23/04/2016 14:26

That's what I mean - surely if he wasn't like them he'd either ditch them or just be polite when passing them on the street.

Friend I mentioned earlier I no longer talk to as he's abandoned his daughter - known him 13 years (half my life) but I can't condone what he's done - you have to stick by your principles otherwise what else is there?

GreaseIsNotTheWord · 23/04/2016 14:27

You said that all rape jokes were misogynistic. I said they're not necessarily and I have heard one that's not. I also said whether you find the 'joke' funny or not is another matter when you asked to be told the joke

ClaudiaApfelstrudel · 23/04/2016 14:28

I think calling him immature is giving him the benefit of the doubt.. maybe he doesn't deserve to have that benefit or maybe he does but if he does I feel it really has to be last chance saloon

GreaseIsNotTheWord · 23/04/2016 14:29

I did NOT say the joke wasn't offensive. I said it wasn't misogynistic - which is true.

IcyTeaAndScoopyScoopyDogDog · 23/04/2016 14:30

So your 'joke' here is at either the expense of a man or a woman.

How diverse.

NuckyT · 23/04/2016 14:33

Tell me a funny non misogynistic rape joke please, Im all ears

More a spoof headline than a joke, but I did laugh at the Daily Mash when Tommy Sheridan was sent to prison:

"Sheridan now getting three-in-a-bed sex whether he likes it or not."

GreaseIsNotTheWord · 23/04/2016 14:34

I don't really understand your...disapproval. You asked for a non-misogynistic rape joke because you didn't believe they existed. I told you I had heard one that was not misogynistic. You specifically requested that I post it.

I suppose the lesson learned for today is if you don't want the answer, don't ask the question.

IcyTeaAndScoopyScoopyDogDog · 23/04/2016 14:42

I guess the lesson here is that some people find rape jokes funny no matter who it is aimed at.

But I tell you what. This is total derailment. So you are super right. That is a universal rape joke so is absolutely fine to tell.

Lumpylumperson · 23/04/2016 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenShadow · 23/04/2016 14:45

I'm going against the grain, but there is no way I would end a relationship that had otherwise been as good as you say it is just based on this.

Women (while granted not doing the rape bit) can be just a lustful about men and their exes. You should hear some of the 'banter' between a group of 20 something women on a girls night out.
By all means go non-contact for a while, but don't be afraid to take him back if that's what you feel is right after time to think.

Good luck.

kickassangel · 23/04/2016 14:47

Genie - you say that you don't trust your own judgement, but actually it sounds spot on. You can't make a judgement based on what you don't know - ie how he behaves when you're not around. But you seem to be making some good judgements based on what you do know.

Take some time to think things over.

If he is really truly sorry, and doesn't actually like the way these men behave, then he will offer to just let this friendship group go, and phase them out. You wouldn't even need to ask. Because, if he doesn't like them, he'll be glad of a chance to get away from them.

But if he does enjoy that kind of 'banter' and gets some pleasure from the laddish culture, then he'll stay in contact with them and keep chatting with them.

Many of us have made bad friendship decisions in our teens. Most of us let those friendships slip as we get older, or just find that naturally we don't meet up so much as our lives go in different ways. Sadly, it sounds like he wants to stay in touch with them and DOES actually enjoy some of the 'humour' that they share. Why else would he be finding pictures of a sort of ex, and posting those comments? He did more than just respond.

You shouldn't need to give him an ultimatum, but it seems very clear that for you, you can't be with someone who has these values. So - does he really hold these values and want to hang out with these guys, or does he genuinely prefer to be with you?

Lumpylumperson · 23/04/2016 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.