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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husbands ex wife's fathers funeral

211 replies

charlotte300 · 21/04/2016 07:17

Hi everyone, my HB is going to the ex wife fathers funeral, she texted him to let him know , as I have never met her family I cannot go (or do not want to go) I spoke to HB he said that he wants to go to pay his respects as he knew her father for a long time, and that his children will be there. I do not like his ex wife and neither does my HB.

I am at work when this is happening

Am I right to feel the following

1 excluded
2 feelings of why would my hb want to be with HER family when it is his ex wife ?

would appreciate any feedback

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 21/04/2016 11:43

OP you will get a million of other posters coming on saying YABU even though you have admitted YABU many posts ago Grin

travellinghopefully12 · 21/04/2016 11:51

I think maybe the way you feel reflects your own insecurities, are other elements of the relationship OK? I don't mean this in a cruel way, but perhaps you should look at the reasons why you feel so insecure and excluded. x

LadyMcFish · 21/04/2016 11:55

It is alright to feel the way you are (which is understandable). If you view it that your OH is there to pay his respect to a man who is also the grandfather to his children (and also be there for his children), then your OH is being a 'father' and a respectable man :)

The ex-wife is secondary as far as you are concern ;p

travellinghopefully12 · 21/04/2016 11:56

sorry Charlotte, just read your reply. I wouldn't say you are being 'silly and selfish' - I'd say it's down to a kind of vulnerability more than anything and sensitivity. Don't beat yourself up.

Quook · 21/04/2016 12:02

Fair play OP for taking the tidal wave of YABU on board. I hope you feel more at peace with it all now. Thanks

WannaBe · 21/04/2016 12:03

Why is it that people only read the OP and pile in even though the op has come back and conceded that she was wrong?

Fwiw I think that people often prefer to see things in black and white when life, and relationships, are more complex than that. Feeling a bit thrown by a partner going to the funeral of an ex family member isn't a hanging offence, in fact it is perfectly normal IMO.

Going to an event where all the ex family will be means going back to a bit of the past which the new partner is not and never will be a part of. That doesn't mean she would want to be, but it's a sort of reminder that there is a past which you, as the new partner, are not allowed a glimpse into, even if you didn't really want to have one anyway. And funerals often bring out nostalgia in people. They remember when X happened, or y, and they catch up with people they haven't seen for years, and catch up on their lives and where they are these days.

A new partner rightly wouldn't be part of all that, but it's not exactly a cardinal sin to have a fleeting thought that your partner is in a space with all of his ex family and that they may all have conversations afterward which you are not a part of or may not even be mentioned in. It's not insecurity it's a fleeting reminder that there was once a life you weren't a part of.

Voicing it to her partner would have been wrong. Feeling it isn't.

Cockadoodledooo · 21/04/2016 12:27

Glad you conceded you were in the wrong op.
I think in the same situation I'd think less of my dh if he didn't go - regardless of the fact he's no longer with the man's daughter, he'd presumably been part of his life for a while, and he absolutely should be there to support his children/the dead man's grandchildren.

CandyFlossBrain · 21/04/2016 13:16

Gracious response OP. You are entitled to feel what you're feeling, we aren't perfect robot people who react in the best possible way all the time, but this is one time you just have to suck it up really. It's only one day. And your DH must be a good person to still be liked by his ex's family. My DF would probably rise from the grave to chase my exDP away if I invited him to his funeral!

UptownFunk00 · 21/04/2016 13:32
  1. you said you didn't want to so stop contradicting yourself
  2. because presumably he liked the man and the rest of her family? So why wouldn't he want to?

You sound bitter - this grief is not about you.

DrJuliaOgden · 21/04/2016 13:56

Well done for coming back op - it's hard to admit sometimes we are wrong.

Herewegoagainfolks · 21/04/2016 14:44

Good for you Charlotte. Very brave if you to come back to the thread.

I hope it's been useful in working through your feelings.

rumbleinthrjungle · 21/04/2016 15:06

Well done OP.

Your step children will always remember and be grateful that you support the rare things like this, I promise you. As an adult 'child' in this position it is so horrible to have family situations where you so want and need both your parents, weddings and funerals being the worst of them, and to not be able to because your family of origin always has to be brushed over due to jealous current partners who resent any reminder of it. My father's other half is a real star for this. I wish they were capable of listening to other view points and having the generosity to take them on board as you have.

BoatyMcBoat · 21/04/2016 15:41

You can hate your ex, but love their dad.

You don't want to go, and will be at work. Why would you feel excluded?

Whether he loved, or liked, the dad, your dh had a fairly long relationship with him in his own right. The deceased is also your dh's children's grandfather.

Have a heart, op. YABVVVVVVVU.

(Are you normally a jealous person?)

BoatyMcBoat · 21/04/2016 15:45

So sorry, op. I hate it when people stick the boot in when the op has already retracted! The site is being ridiculously slow to respond atm, so my response to you was typed some time ago, and if I had seen your latter post I'd have shut the fuck up Blush

Well done on realising that YABU, though you can't always help how you fell you don't always have to act upon it.

Star you are

doubleginplease · 21/04/2016 17:03

"Excluded"?! They aren't exactly going to welcome you with open arms are they?!

I agree. Get over yourself.

CandyFlossBrain · 21/04/2016 17:27

She did get over herself Gin, RTFT.

UptownFunk00 · 21/04/2016 17:46

I'm sorry about my comment OP - you admit you were being unreasonable and for some reason I didn't see it.

It's hard when you have to remember your partner was once part of the exes family but it's not for the ex, it's for your DH to show he respected the man and is sad to see him go.

I hope you feel a little less negative about the situation.

TwentyCupsOfTea · 21/04/2016 18:36

Wow. Yabu. Jealousy on a whole new level

Hmm
TwentyCupsOfTea · 21/04/2016 18:37

Ahh posted too soon. I'm glad you realised you were.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 21/04/2016 18:38

Grin at these yabu comments rolling in now...
Shurrup and chill.

Bagatelle1 · 21/04/2016 18:39

YABU. This is not about you.

wonkylampshade · 21/04/2016 18:44

Well done for reassessing OP Smile

LineyReborn · 21/04/2016 18:48

Isn't it interesting how many people don't read threads?

EverySongbirdSays · 21/04/2016 19:21

I have never in my life heard of anyone feeling EXCLUDED from a funeral of a person they didn't know. Jesus. Hmm

EverySongbirdSays · 21/04/2016 19:24

Posted too late.

Read first 4 pages. Commented.

OP retracts on Page 5. Typical.

Swipe left for the next trending thread