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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husbands ex wife's fathers funeral

211 replies

charlotte300 · 21/04/2016 07:17

Hi everyone, my HB is going to the ex wife fathers funeral, she texted him to let him know , as I have never met her family I cannot go (or do not want to go) I spoke to HB he said that he wants to go to pay his respects as he knew her father for a long time, and that his children will be there. I do not like his ex wife and neither does my HB.

I am at work when this is happening

Am I right to feel the following

1 excluded
2 feelings of why would my hb want to be with HER family when it is his ex wife ?

would appreciate any feedback

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 21/04/2016 07:46

YABU. You're not 'excluded' - you said you didn't want to go, and you didn't know the man, so why should you?

Your h had a life before he met you, and he had a relationship with his ex's dad, separate from your h's relationship with his ex. The man is also the gf of your h's children.

You sound a little immature. The dc will no doubt be upset that their gf has died, and will need support too.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2016 07:47

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ChipInTheSugar · 21/04/2016 07:47

Quite normal for him to go, but I understand your feelings.

For what it's worth, I sat at my ex-mil's funeral and shared a pack of tissues with my ex-husband's first ex-wife.

It's about the person, and the relationship your husband had with him, rather than the fact it is his EXW's father.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 21/04/2016 07:48

Yabu, you sound really insecure and childish to ge honest

Tiredemma · 21/04/2016 07:49

My parents split up when I was a teenager. They can barely be in the same room as one another. Last year my DGM (mothers side) passed away- my dad didnt hesitate to attend the funeral. He wasnt there to see my Mum (although he did greet her warmly). He was there for me and my brother but also as he said himself- he was married to my mum for 18 years and loved my DGM just like his own mother- there was no question of him attending.

I think its right that your DH attends.

I think that YABU

ScarletForYa · 21/04/2016 07:49

Yabu.

It's not about wanting to be with her family, it's about paying respect to a man he knew for a long time.

It's not about you. I'm not sure what you expect. It's a bit needy and suffocating to pout about it.

What he's doing is perfectly normal.

EponasWildDaughter · 21/04/2016 07:50

So it's unanimous then?

A rare sight on AIBU Grin

MardAsSnails · 21/04/2016 07:51

YABU

DH even flew back to the uk for his ex's dads funeral and took time off work. Just because things didn't work out between them (and it was fairly nasty) doesn't mean her dad wasn't a lovely man whose loss DH was mourning, and doesn't mean her family didn't appreciate knowing how much her late father was loved

BertieBeats · 21/04/2016 07:51

I'm pretty certain my partner's ex wife will come to the funeral of his parents when they die as she's the mother of their grandchildren and still gets on well with them. I'd find it more disrespectful if she didn't go just because she had some gripe with my partner, her ex husband.

Ilovenannyplum · 21/04/2016 07:51

Sorry YABU
His children will be there, I think they would be a tremendous support to them as I can imagine their mum will be understandably very upset

I didn't read the whole thread so I'm not sure if you mention how old they are but I'm 28 and still feel better sitting with my dad at funerals

Just suck it up. It's one day.
the world doesn't revolve around you

TobleroneBoo · 21/04/2016 07:52

Yabu
It's about the kids and the fil
Not about your ex and his ex wife and certainly not about you

TobleroneBoo · 21/04/2016 07:53

Yabu
It's about the kids and the fil
Not about your ex and his ex wife and certainly not about you

DaphneWhitethigh · 21/04/2016 07:53

That really is a whole world of unreasonable. You don't say how old the children are but if they're not adult then he'd be needed to look after them to allow his ex space to grieve and take on her responsibilities as part of the core family.

Fratelli · 21/04/2016 07:57

If my dads partner felt the same about my dad going to my maternal gps funerals I would think a lot less of her and be reluctant to spend any time with someone like that.

I'm pretty sure no-one goes to a funeral to rekindle relationships with exes Hmm I always think people are dicks for trying to make a funeral about themselves, which is what you're doing.

JapanNextYear · 21/04/2016 07:57

What are you going to do about weddings, graduations, christenings etc.? All family events.

Yabu and immature.

Herewegoagainfolks · 21/04/2016 07:57

You are being breathtakingly unreasonable.

Your partner is going to support his DC on the loss of their Grandfather.

"HER family" are his children's family too, not just his ex-wife's.

"Excluded?" Are you 12? Have you ever been to a funeral. It's not a party.

Seriously you need to review your thinking on this. This level of selfishness would personally lead me to reconsider my relationship with you if I were him.

acasualobserver · 21/04/2016 07:58

Your reaction seems rather immature, OP.

WellErrr · 21/04/2016 07:58

Am I right to feel the following

1 excluded
2 feelings of why would my hb want to be with HER family when it is his ex wife ?

You are not even the tiniest bit right.
You are being spectacularly UNreasonable, and quite nasty to boot to be trying to make this all about YOUR feelings.

I sincerely hope you haven't given your husband a hard time over this.

'Excluded.' FFS.

CotswoldStrife · 21/04/2016 08:02

Is this a reverse?

ClarkL · 21/04/2016 08:04

My Dad came to my Grandads funeral even though he and my Mum had split up years before.
For over 20 years my Grandad was his father in law and whilst they may not have always seen eye to eye my Dad looked up to him. My Dad didnt stay long at the wake, but it was only right he came.

You need to put your feelings aside and when your husband comes home after the funeral give him a hug and ask him how he is

nulgirl · 21/04/2016 08:05

Yep. Agree with everyone else. You're being petty, unreasonable and desperately insecure in a pretty unpleasant way. Why shouldn't he go to pay his respects to a person he knew and respected to support his children?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 21/04/2016 08:07

Your husband wants to go along and pay his respects to a man that was his family for many years and support his children who have lost the grandfather, and you are objecting to this?!

Massively unreasonable, you sound petty and insecure and are making this all about you when I'm reality it is precisely none of your business.

How cold of you to not even think of your Step children at all 😕

LittleLionMansMummy · 21/04/2016 08:09

As someone who has been in your exact situation op, I'm afraid I have to agree with everyone else and say yabu. My dh was with his ex wife for 10 years and therefore had 10 years of relationship history and memories with her family. A decent man does not just switch those feelings off. Dh was very upset when one of his ex's close relatives died. He went to the funeral, paid his respects, left and came home to share a bottle of wine with me. I would have thought it odd had he felt nothing. And for that record, at that time (13 years ago) things were not great between dh and his ex, yet they still managed to put their feelings to one side so they could give the lady a decent send off. This is about so much more than you or your dh's relationship with each other.

memyselfandaye · 21/04/2016 08:10

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NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 21/04/2016 08:10

Your excluded from going to complete strangers funeral? Well that's to be expected isn't it? Why would you feel excluded from something that it makes total sense for you not to go.

Your husband divorced his ex there's absolutely nothing wrong with still getting on with her family, indeed some would say that his nieces and nephews are still his family.

He's going to pay his respects to a man who was very much part of his life. Who he might actually feel the loss of, I know when both sets of my grandparents died both my parents expressed a feeling of loss towards them even though they've been divorced 30 years, they didn't go to the funerals but definitely a loss to them.

It doesn't matter his feelings to the ex, it's not her funeral.

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