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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husbands ex wife's fathers funeral

211 replies

charlotte300 · 21/04/2016 07:17

Hi everyone, my HB is going to the ex wife fathers funeral, she texted him to let him know , as I have never met her family I cannot go (or do not want to go) I spoke to HB he said that he wants to go to pay his respects as he knew her father for a long time, and that his children will be there. I do not like his ex wife and neither does my HB.

I am at work when this is happening

Am I right to feel the following

1 excluded
2 feelings of why would my hb want to be with HER family when it is his ex wife ?

would appreciate any feedback

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 21/04/2016 08:11

DH's ex and even her mum came to his grandad's funeral.

Because they knew him. They liked him. He had been a big part of her life and they wanted to say their goodbyes and pay their respects.

How is that U?!

I'm pretty sure she wasn't trying to seduce her ex over the body of his grandfather.

DreamingofItaly · 21/04/2016 08:11

My parents had been divorced for pushing 20 years when my grandfather on my mother's side died. My sister and I were in our mid 20s but having our dad there to support us as we said goodbye to a man who had been so much to us meant the world. My grandfather helped my dad set up in business when he married my mum and so was a big factor in my dad's success. It was right for him to come pay his respects.
My step mum didn't come, why would she?

I think your DH could be going for his children so you should support it. Don't be jealous or feel excluded, the woman has lost her father. Try to put yourself in her position, the DC will want him there. The XWife may not.

It's about respect, nothing more.

mrsmortis · 21/04/2016 08:13

A cousin of mine died of cancer last month leaving behind 5 kids with three fathers. The kids are between 24 and 4. All three dads came and stood with their children because they needed support. The eldest daughter read the eulogy. Her dad stood behind her the whole time with his hand on her shoulder to support her through it.

I think you are being unreasonable. You are suggesting his kids don't need that support at their Grandfather's funeral.

notapizzaeater · 21/04/2016 08:13

Yabvvvvvvu

I went to my ex mil funeral - why wouldn't I ? She was my mum in law for a. Number of years and I missed and especially her,

bloodymaria · 21/04/2016 08:14

Reverse?

Lweji · 21/04/2016 08:14

Sorry for doing a little digging, but I can see why you may be worried about his motives.

I hope things are better now between you two.

Regardless, I have to agree with the other pps that it's normal that he wants to go to the funeral.

shovetheholly · 21/04/2016 08:16

You can't both say that you don't want to go AND that you feel excluded!

Has it occurred to you that he may be going to support his children as they cope with the death of their grandpa?

This is not about her family versus your family, but about a wider, extended network of people offering each other mutual support.

Pooseyfrumpture · 21/04/2016 08:18

Really?

My great uncle & aunt came to my grandad's funeral - well when I said they came, they sat on a bench outside while the service was on going, and left as soon as it was over. They hadn't seen him for 30-odd years, since he left my grandmother - but they'd known him since primary school and been best friends as well as him being married to my gran until he ran off

PeppaIsMyHero · 21/04/2016 08:20

It sounds like you could go if you wanted to. It might put your mind at rest.

cashmerecardigans · 21/04/2016 08:20

My EXH came to my Dad's funeral, to support his children and to pay his respects. All perfectly normal to me, he didn't bring his wife, she'd never met my Dad. He came to the service, but not the wake. I didn't know he was coming, but really appreciated his thought and care for my family and the children.

ohtheholidays · 21/04/2016 08:21

My ex husband came to my Mother's funeral,I never invited him,I hadn't even told him that my Mum has passed,we''d split up 14 years before.I couldn't see why I would.

My DH was with me and my Mum adored my DH and called him her son,my ex had been abusive towards me and after it had all happened I'd told my Mum so I honestly don't think she'd have wanted him there either.

He grew up amongst my family and I know my ex loved my Mum,I didn't say anything when I saw him,I was to busy mourning my Mum passing and comforting my 5DC and my Father to be honest.We did have 2DS together,but even they were surprised to see him.

But if me and my ex husband had parted on good terms(he hadn't been abusive)then I would understand him wanting to be there.Which I'm presuming is the case for your DH.

KaosReigns · 21/04/2016 08:21

YABU

If my dad hadn't gone to my maternal grandmothers funeral it would have been seen as very strange. He and my mother had been divorced for almost a decade at that point, but that doesn't change the fact that she was family.

My maternal aunts came to my dads 50th too, though not his second wedding, and as far as I know he would visit grandma on occasion and still did her accounting for free.

We did think it was a bit odd that my aunties wanted him to be a pall bearer though.

jimpam · 21/04/2016 08:21

My parents have been divorced for a long time & despite having a pretty bad relationship, have both attended the funerals of each other's parents. As a child I really appreciated it & it meant I could speak to my DDad after my DM's dad died, when DM wasn't strong enough to do it yet.

Junosmum · 21/04/2016 08:26

I'd go to my ex bfs parents funeral (long term partner). I can't stand my ex but his parents were lovely. I'd be sad that they'd died and would want to pay my respects.

dowhatnow · 21/04/2016 08:27

Another yabu

PaulAnkaTheDog · 21/04/2016 08:30

Of course you're being unreasonable!

beardyyaorno · 21/04/2016 08:31

My DH's first wife was a vile woman - who left him with three kids and refused any regular contact with them - she cheated on him and took him to the cleaners financially. She re-married twice without telling her kids and refused to go to any of their weddings or major life events - unless it suited her. She divorced twice (three times if you include DH) and in her early 50s hit hard times - sadly her own doing. When she died DH made sure he was there at the funeral to support his DC at a difficult and emotional time. I was proud of him for doing so and it shows me that he is a kind-hearted and thoughtful person.

BestZebbie · 21/04/2016 08:33

The only real reason for him not to go if he wants to and you can afford the time/money is if he hurt the deceased's daughter during their breakup and therefore late FIL would not have welcomed his presence. If it was civil and mutual, or he was the one who was dumped, no reason not to go if he wants to grieve.

fanniboz · 21/04/2016 08:37

Can't see why the woman would invite her ex husband's new wife to her father's funeral when you had no connection to him. The man was your husband's fil at one point and grandfather to his children. Yabvu

Northumberlandlass · 21/04/2016 08:42

This is a pretty unanimous response OP - I shall add my thoughts though.

YABVU - This is about the relationship he had with FIL not his ex. My mum is dying & my ex went to see her last week, he will come to the funeral. I know Mum will mention him in the prayers because he was part of her life for nearly 19 years & they were fond of each other. He is the father of her grandson.
His attendance has fuck all to do with me & I actually really appreciate he will be there.

TinySalmon · 21/04/2016 08:43

I would feel the same as you. If my DP had to hang out with his ex wife for any reason, all my rationality goes out the window and I get upset, jealous, angry - even though what I feel is completely unjustified because I know he doesn't particularly like her. I even get upset when he has to go with her to parent-teacher evening at school for their DC.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel these feelings but it does sound unreasonable to a rational person.

curren · 21/04/2016 08:46

Yabu and quite selfish.

A man he has known a long time is dead. A man that he considered family for a long time.

His children have lost their grandfather.

Why are you making this about you?

Why do you feel excluded? You don't want to go. Are you saying he shouldn't be there because you don't want to be?

So what if he wants to be there to support HER family?

She is the mother of his children. Her family is his children family. Why wouldn't he support his children and their relatives

Hassled · 21/04/2016 08:49

I went to my ExH's father's funeral. I needed to be there to support my DCs, who adored their grandfather, and I liked ex-FIL a lot. I can't imagine not having gone - it would have been so disrespectful.

OP - you don't need to be feeling this insecure. I think that's your problem, not your DH doing something completely reasonable.

Owllady · 21/04/2016 08:49

I think it's normal to have a reaction to things, feel jealous even but yabu - but I think you know that
I feel a bit sorry for you that you've had your character assassinated. I don't really feel it was necessary Confused

CaptainAnkles · 21/04/2016 08:53

If I'm completely honest I would feel a bit excluded too, but you need to put that aside and understand that he's going to support his DC and pay his respects to the man, not to rekindle his relationship with his ex wife, who you already know he dislikes. Let it go and be glad that he's a decent man.