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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husbands ex wife's fathers funeral

211 replies

charlotte300 · 21/04/2016 07:17

Hi everyone, my HB is going to the ex wife fathers funeral, she texted him to let him know , as I have never met her family I cannot go (or do not want to go) I spoke to HB he said that he wants to go to pay his respects as he knew her father for a long time, and that his children will be there. I do not like his ex wife and neither does my HB.

I am at work when this is happening

Am I right to feel the following

1 excluded
2 feelings of why would my hb want to be with HER family when it is his ex wife ?

would appreciate any feedback

OP posts:
SleepyBoBo · 21/04/2016 08:53

CotswoldStrife

Is this a reverse?

Hmm was just thinking the same. No one could be this self-involved, could they? If it's not a reverse, you are being very unreasonable - and disgustingly disrespectful.

Clandestino · 21/04/2016 08:54

Seriously? Your DH is doing the decent thing and going to a funeral of a person whose family he once belonged to.
I've been divorced for 16 years but if my ex husband let me know that his mother or father have died, I'd certainly try to come to a funeral. It's the decent thing to do.

1frenchfoodie · 21/04/2016 08:58

He is paying his respects to a man who played an important role in his life and that of his children. It is a good example and support for his children and a sign of his own maturity - you are not kids and he didn't have to send his ex's family to coventy when they broke up.

My DH's ex FIL is one of the very few family members who spoke to me at family gatherings in earlier days of our relationship (I was not OW but I am 13y younger than DH and some people were stiff/judgy or just didn't know whether to interact with me when ex wife was also there). I was so so grateful I could have kissed the man. He and his wife even sent us a wedding card via my DSD.

Ameliablue · 21/04/2016 09:00

Its not unreasonable to feel this way but it would be unreasonable to ask him to go. This is his children's grandfather, it is right for him to go but would not be right for you to go.

SheHasAWildHeart · 21/04/2016 09:06

I haven't read all the thread. But my DM died recently and exH came to the funeral and burial. I wanted him there to help me with DD and because he always had a great relationship with my mum. He came to visit her several times when she was in hospital before she passed away. exH and I have a difficult relationship, but I put all that aside because it didn't matter what I wanted - all that mattered was what DM would have wanted. Everything for her funeral was done the way she would have wanted. Anyone else who makes a funeral about them is very selfish.

SwearyKnickers · 21/04/2016 09:07

1 excluded 2 feelings of why would my hb want to be with HER family when it is his ex wife

her family Um, hers? Or do you mean theirs? They have a family together. So your feelings there are completely bonkers and self absorbed. If you also feel excluded, I supposed you just have to wait until your own parents die for the excitement of 'inclusion' .

curren · 21/04/2016 09:09

I don't get people who are saying

'It's understandable you feel excluded but don't say anything'

How is it understandable? Did her dh pretend he didn't have an ex wife, kids and life before the Op?

Why do people marry people who have kids if they can't understand that the kids are important and the kids will tie the parents together for ever?

wannabehippyandcrazycatlover · 21/04/2016 09:10

You can't help how you feel but I do think you need to look at this objectively. He is not going to support his EXW but to show his respects to someone who was in his life for a long time and to support his children who are grieving for their grandad...

As hard as it might be for you, you need to put your feelings aside.

MsJamieFraser · 21/04/2016 09:11

YABVU - you need to get a serious grip with yourself, the world does not resolve around you. Hmm

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 21/04/2016 09:11

Why do people marry people who have kids if they can't understand that the kids are important and the kids will tie the parents together for ever?

I think this at least once a day on Mumsnet! There is something very tragic about a grown woman so jealous of the ex partner and threatened by his relationship with his children.

ArcheryAnnie · 21/04/2016 09:12

I'm another YABU, I'm afraid. I get that you feel excluded, but these are people he had a serious and long connection to. I am still very close to my ex's family, because I had a long connection with them, liked them on their own account as well as for the connection with my then-DP, and they are my DS's family, too.

It's a funeral, not a knees-up. Let him go and honour the person he knew, and don't make him feel bad about it.

Mouseinahole · 21/04/2016 09:14

My husband came with me to my ex husband 's funeral. There were no children but his current wife said that ex wanted me there.
It was good to see his family again, they made me feel welcome but dh felt like a spare part especially back at the house afterwards.
The burial was a couple of days later in the village where ex and I had lived but I didn't go to that even though I was asked.

mightypissedoff · 21/04/2016 09:15

YABU My XH lives in Europe but still flew over to attend the funerals of my DM and DF. I still see and have a good relationship with his family and always say that although I divorced him, I did not divorce his family - they will always be a part of my DC life.

He is going to support his DC. Sorry OP but you are coming across as very selfish.

RaeSkywalker · 21/04/2016 09:16

YABU- this isn't about whether he (or you) like his ExW. It's about your DH being respectful to a man who was part of his life, and supporting his grieving children. I'd imagine that it's going to be a tough day for him- please don't make it harder.

whois · 21/04/2016 09:17

Yes you're totally U to feel excluded. You ARE excluded and it has nothing to do with you FFS! He should be there to psychos respects because he knew them and because his children will be upset. Grow the fuck up.

ouryve · 21/04/2016 09:18

It's his kids' granddad he's going to the funeral of.

Yes, you feel outside of it, but that's your problem to deal with, really.

WhoaCadburys · 21/04/2016 09:19

So, people are a bit on the fence about this one Wink

Let him go.

needastrongone · 21/04/2016 09:20

Are you coming back OP? Hoping the response will give you some insight.

ouryve · 21/04/2016 09:22

hah! I just posted then thought, oops, lots of replied and I haven't RTFT and might have missed a drip feed.

But, nope, OP has buggered off.

hiccupgirl · 21/04/2016 09:25

YABU sorry but you are.

My dad came to my mum's funeral even though they have been divorced for 15 years and she hated him and had remarried. For me, it was a huge comfort that he was there and she had been an important part of his life.

I think your DH is doing the right thing going, both to support his children but also to pay his respects to a man who was his FIL.

As hard as it is, it wouldn't be appropriate for you to be there and it's not about you.

DrJuliaOgden · 21/04/2016 09:27

I'll just say - you would hate my family when exes are invited at Christmas as that's what the dcs want- it's about putting your feelings to the side.
My aunt (duncle's ex-w) was in the funeral cars when my nan passed away as she had been her dil & was the mother of my nans gcs.

Original poster
charlotte300 · 21/04/2016 09:27

thank you every one for your feedback - I now realise I am being unreasonable !! and I love my HB very much - this has confirmed that I am just being silly and selfish.

Smile
OP posts:
KnotNora · 21/04/2016 09:29

YABU

My ex GMIL died and I missed her terribly. She was always so lovely to me and I intended on going to the funeral.

As it happened exs new wife put her foot down and I wasn't allowed to go. I don't think I'll ever forgive him for being so weak and her for being so petty.

Don't make this about you, be the grown up and get over yourself.

Owllady · 21/04/2016 09:29

Charlotte :)

KnotNora · 21/04/2016 09:30

Cross posts with OP.

We're all wrong sometimes OP!