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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husbands ex wife's fathers funeral

211 replies

charlotte300 · 21/04/2016 07:17

Hi everyone, my HB is going to the ex wife fathers funeral, she texted him to let him know , as I have never met her family I cannot go (or do not want to go) I spoke to HB he said that he wants to go to pay his respects as he knew her father for a long time, and that his children will be there. I do not like his ex wife and neither does my HB.

I am at work when this is happening

Am I right to feel the following

1 excluded
2 feelings of why would my hb want to be with HER family when it is his ex wife ?

would appreciate any feedback

OP posts:
MattDillonsPants · 21/04/2016 09:33

My ex came to my Dad's funeral. He loved him as a mate for years! Why wouldn't he come? I'd go to HIS Dad's funeral too and my husband would drive me there and leave me there too if I asked him! Shocking OP!

Branleuse · 21/04/2016 09:33

Its tricky. I would be upset if my exhs parents died. Id probably want to pay my respects, but I probably wouldnt go to the funeral as im not sure if it would be appropriate.

I think you need to suck it up though. Its a funeral, not a party

liquidrevolution · 21/04/2016 09:37

At my aunts funeral her ex- husband was there. He had to sneak out of work to attend as his new wife would have flipped if she had known. He was married to my aunt for a year when they were 18 (but together since 13) and married to his second wife for over 20 years. No children but they remained friends after the divorce.

So sad he had to lie.

Please just relax and let your husband attend and pay his respects.

Looly71 · 21/04/2016 09:43

You can't change your feelings about the situation but YABU to expect your husband not to attend.
As other PPs have said, it is his children's grandparent and whatever has gone in the intervening years they had a relationship for a long time.
I have every intention of going to my ex's parents/siblings funerals (less likely to go to my ex's own funeral!) as and when the time comes. And presume my now DH would do the same for his EXW.

TeddTess · 21/04/2016 09:43

YABU
my friend's mum died
i am still friends with her ex boyfriend
he was cross/upset with me for not telling him - like it was my place to? but tbh i didn't think of it. he really wanted to go apparently, he was very fond of her mum.

Chlobee87 · 21/04/2016 09:43

Bloody hell, could some of these posts be any more vicious and judgemental? First off, yes you are being unreasonable but I think you already knew that when you asked the question. I got the sense that you were looking for a bit of reassurance more than anything.

It must be lovely if you can feel not one shred of anything regarding your ex's previous life, but not everybody can. That does not make them a bad person. And yes, maybe if you can't then you shouldn't get involved with somebody who has children and an exW but life's not that simple is it? Sometimes you fall in love, everything's amazing and it's only later that you start to realise there are compromises to be made.

I can understand why it might make you feel a little pang of something to think about your DH spending quite an intense day with his exW and their shared children. I really can. But if he's loyal to you and you have a strong relationship, then he will only be doing it to support his children and to pay his respects to somebody who was once a big part of his life. But you already know that don't you?

I'm sorry you've had such a roasting on here. People have reacted as if you've threatened to prevent him from going or given him a hard time. I didn't get that impression from your OP at all. I think you've just had a bit of a wobble and needed setting straight, not to be told off like a school kid and all the rude replies you've received. Mumsnet hates second wives/partners for some reason.

Owllady · 21/04/2016 09:47

I agree, in real life none of us are perfect :)
Takes alot of guts to admit you are wrong and take it on the chin op, well done

KittensandKnitting · 21/04/2016 09:53

Don't think the OP deserved such a hard time to be honest, nobody has the right to tell someone how they feel. Sometimes we all need a little guidance to see things the way they really or should be.

OP - If you had said you were stopping him - then of course you would be VVVunreasonable. As it is I'm sure you knew all of the above really :) well done for taking it with such good grace, agree with Owllady takes a lot to admit your wrong.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2016 09:54

Well done for coming back and admitting you're being a bit of a narna.

I'd be very upset if my exH didn't come to my mom's funeral when the time comes which is never as she's going to live forever

Oldraver · 21/04/2016 09:58

He is paying his respects to someone he knew and who is the Grandfatehr to his children

I would have no problem with this at all.

You should keep out of it and keep your jealousy in check. Presumably these are your SDC who have lost their GF ? Have some compassion

LadyStoicIsBack · 21/04/2016 10:06

There are literally thousands of funerals today, I'm not going to a single one of them.

On account of not knowing the deceased.

I do not feel 'excluded' Wink

Fanfeck · 21/04/2016 10:10

YABVU

Pseudo341 · 21/04/2016 10:20

Well done for coming back OP. Since you now have realized YABU I won't go on about it. Try instead to think about the fact that your DH is doing the right thing in a sad situation.

passmethebong · 21/04/2016 10:20

It's his father in law, not his ex wife. Even if it was the ex wife funeral I would be able to understand. If her father didn't have grand children I would still understand. Remember they were a close family once.

Not all in laws don't get on.

Lisawordbird · 21/04/2016 10:27

Your HB is being very thoughtful and decent by going to his ex-Father-in-law's funeral. He's paying his respects to a man who accepted him into his family and (I assume) treated him well. So he is acknowledging his relationship with that man.

He is also supporting his children when they are grieving, and demonstrating his love for them, which is good parenting.

Finally, he is showing his children what decent behaviour and compassion is, which is excellent role modeling. He is showing them how to be civilised members of society and that even though his marriage to their mother is over, he is still part of their larger family.

I think your husband is being a thoroughly good egg in doing this, as he doesn't like his ex-wife and this will mean he has to spend time in her company, which will be unpleasant for him.

You need to put your Big Girl Pants on and woman up. You feel whatever you feel, but you don't get to impose it on others.

Your husband will most likely be feeling grim about this experience, seeing his children upset, and quite possibly getting a hostile reception from his ex wife's family; so try to think of him.

SilverBirchWithout · 21/04/2016 10:31

This sounds remarkably like a family situation we are involved in at the moment, I wonder whether you have actually changed a couple of details to avoid recognition?

My dear MIL passed away recently and my SIL's ex-husband has said he will be attending the funeral Most of us think he is a bit of an arse, he lacks any sensitivity and has form for wanting to hold centre stage at family events, and by all accounts his new wife is a bit controlling. In an ideal world we would not want him at the funeral and neither would his Ex-wife.

However he had a relationship for over 30 years with MIL, his second wife (the one before the current one) was accepted into the family and he also no doubt wants to be there to support his grown-up children who are bereft at losing their beloved grandma.

OP this really is nothing to do with you.

SupSlick · 21/04/2016 10:32

Show some respect.

Yadbu

mellicauli · 21/04/2016 10:33

Just be proud that your DH is person who does the right thing and you are too, despite the fact you may privately have negative feelings about it. And this is the right place to air those negative feelings.

Queenie73 · 21/04/2016 10:47

Meh, modern families are complicated and that leads to complicated feelings.
I think it's a very good thing for your husband to go to the funeral. It shows respect for the person who has died, and support for his children. But it's totally okay for it to feel weird to you. Just don't say that part out loud!

MoonfaceAndSilky · 21/04/2016 10:52

Good grief, i'm surprised you came back at all OP, some of the replies on here are horrible.
I think it is perfectly natural for you to feel jealous about your DH's ex but it's not about her at all - they won't be at the funeral playing happy families. He is your husband not hers.
It is one day. Try and put it out of your mind and be happy that you have a DH who cares about others and wants to be there for his children Smile

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/04/2016 10:55

OP

You've been gracious in taking on board people's comments.

My Dad debated about going to his first wife's funeral as it wasn't an amicable split and some of the family had taken sides but he did go. Not for himself but for my older half brother and sister - it was important for him to be there to support them and let them know that even if the marriage didn't end well it still was a valued part of my Dad's life.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2016 10:56

Well done, op. We all need a reality check sometimes Smile

ArcheryAnnie · 21/04/2016 11:33

Good for you in coming back to the thread, OP, and for taking the comments on board.

n0ne · 21/04/2016 11:41

YABU - when my xhb's mum died he invited me to her wake, and I bloody went, and brought now-DH with me! (Obvs checked that was OK first.) And I don't have any kids with xhb. But she was my MiL for 7 years and a great lady who I loved, and I wanted to pay my respects. Now-DH had no issue with that whatsoever as he knows I had a life before him and he respects that. I think he and xhb found it a tiny bit weird meeting each other, but we're all adults, me and xhb split up years ago, we're both happily in new relationships and it's water under the bridge.

ArcheryAnnie · 21/04/2016 11:42

Good for you in coming back to the thread, OP, and for taking the comments on board.

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