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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husbands ex wife's fathers funeral

211 replies

charlotte300 · 21/04/2016 07:17

Hi everyone, my HB is going to the ex wife fathers funeral, she texted him to let him know , as I have never met her family I cannot go (or do not want to go) I spoke to HB he said that he wants to go to pay his respects as he knew her father for a long time, and that his children will be there. I do not like his ex wife and neither does my HB.

I am at work when this is happening

Am I right to feel the following

1 excluded
2 feelings of why would my hb want to be with HER family when it is his ex wife ?

would appreciate any feedback

OP posts:
EDisFunny · 21/04/2016 07:32

YABU if you try to stop him from going or argue against him going.

YABU to have a reaction but that is about you and your feelings no his actions.

Unless there is some history we don't know about, the ex abused your husband, or she wants him there to hold her and be a comfort for her then there is no reason for him not to go.

HarlotBronte · 21/04/2016 07:34

He's going to the funeral to support his children during the loss of their grandparent. Think of it that way, the ex wife has nothing to do with it really. I know she invited him but it's a red herring. If she was dead too, he'd presumably still be going?

Mrsnippycat · 21/04/2016 07:34

Nothing wrong with him going, he knew the man for a long time and probably had a decent relationship. And it's his kid's grandad.

I don't think you're being excluded as such but as you say yourself, you never met him and dislike ex-wife so I can't see why you would want to be there.

Panicmode1 · 21/04/2016 07:34

His children's grandfather has just died. Perhaps he wants to be there for them. And perhaps, despite his feelings about his ex wife, he liked and respected her father.

YAB totally U.

Lighteningirll · 21/04/2016 07:35

Really nice of your dh really u of you. Just read your post back to yourself you feel excluded from a funeral when you didn't know the deceased? Your jealousy of the ex and that is what it is jealousy is very mean spirited her father just died.

GruffaloMoggy · 21/04/2016 07:35

He wants to go. Hes going.

You dont want to go. You are not going.

Ideal.

sooperdooper · 21/04/2016 07:36

I agree with everyone else, your DH is going to show his respects to his children's grandfather, it's nothing to do with whether or not he likes his ex and you need to take a step back and accept that

Do not even think about trying to stop him going, it'll cause upset and hurt to his Dc who will want his support

It's not about you, it's not about his ex, let it go

Goingtobeawesome · 21/04/2016 07:36

Silly to feel excluded, nothing to do with you. Unsupportive and unkind as HIS children have lost their grandad and no doubt want their dad there. Stop being immature and selfish.

OohMavis · 21/04/2016 07:38

You know you're BU. His kids' grandad have died, he needs to be there for them presumably. Also, when you grow to dislike somebody, it is possible to remain very fond of their family. Don't create an issue about this, I really can't imagine you coming out of it looking great.

19909ninty · 21/04/2016 07:38

You feel excluded from a funeral? Please grow up you're not missing out its not a party it's to show respect

EponasWildDaughter · 21/04/2016 07:38

I can't bare my XH but i imagine when the time comes for my elderly mother to pass he will want to attend the funeral. They got on well. They still exchange xmas cards even though i've been divorced from him for 10 years.

As others have pointed out this is his kid's grandparent who's died. When children are involved the family ties are there in stone i'm afraid.

GoblinLittleOwl · 21/04/2016 07:38

Grief?

IceMaiden73 · 21/04/2016 07:39

YABU his children have lost a grandparent and he wants to pay his respects to someone that he knew for a long time

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 21/04/2016 07:39

Is there more to this OP? Because on the face of it, you are being unreasonable, so I'm wondering what else is at play that makes you feel this way?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 21/04/2016 07:39

feelings cannot be unreasonable - actions can be.
How you behave in response to your feelings is the important thing.

SoupDragon · 21/04/2016 07:41

Am I right to feel the following

1 excluded
2 feelings of why would my hb want to be with HER family when it is his ex wife

Of course you aren't right. Apart from anything else, if you don't see why he should go, why should you feel excluded?

I wouldn't want my XH's second wife at my father's funeral. I would tell her where to go. Having said that, none of my family would want my XH there either.

Gazelda · 21/04/2016 07:41

Think of it as someone he used to spend a lot of time with, had shared experiences with. The fact that it's ex's DF is almost irrelevant.

Why would you want to go to a funeral of someone you haven't met? Why do you feel excluded?

YABU.

MidniteScribbler · 21/04/2016 07:41

Good grief, you feel excluded? It's a fucking funeral for gods sake! For someone you didn't even know. It's not all about you.

GoldfishCrackers · 21/04/2016 07:42

Feel what you feel but don't say anything. It's perfectly reasonable to go to his DCs grandfather's funeral.

MrsJayy · 21/04/2016 07:43

Yabu it is a Funeral not exactly a social gathering its not about you its about him and his children what exactly are you feeling excluded from ?

DrWhy · 21/04/2016 07:43

Yep, you are being totally ridiculous.
We lost my Dad recently, he was much loved by many people. My sisters ex-fiancé came along, they split at least 10 years ago and he is married now with children, my sister has a new partner. Her ex hadn't had a father figure growing up, had huge love and respect for my dad, saw him occasionally through work after they split and sent him Father's Day cards for years - he was genuinely gutted. When we greeted people coming into the church he gave my sister a hug and shook hands with her current partner. As adults everyone there understood he was there to grieve and show respects for a man he cared deeply for. He didn't come on to the wake but neither did any of the folks from his workplace as they all had shifts to work. His wife wasn't there, she'd never met dad, that would have been odd. I have no idea how she felt about it, I had assumed that as a presumably sensible grown up she'd have said 'that's terribly sad darling, I'm glad you can get leave to go, I'll see you this evening'.
Your situation it's even more reasonable that your DH should go when this man was his FIL and the grandad to his children. My DH couldn't make my dads funeral and my PIL drove a 12 hour return trip with overnight stay to be there, support me and show that their family supported me too, in-laws can actually be very important people in your life.

ghostyslovesheep · 21/04/2016 07:43

yabu - a) her dad has died so cut back on the dislike for a day b) it's his ex FIL and maybe he wants to pay his respects c) is his children's grandfather

You are making yourself sound insecure and petty to be blunt

RidersOnTheStorm · 21/04/2016 07:43

YANBU to feel as you do, you can't help it no matter how nasty it is, but I hope you aren't saying this to your DH.

Don't make someone's funeral about you.

Alisvolatpropiis · 21/04/2016 07:44

It isn't about you. Get over yourself.

MrsJayy · 21/04/2016 07:44

I have seen a few Ex partners at funerals of ex inlaws its not unusual