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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

731 replies

SpaceCadet4000 · 16/04/2016 15:33

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

OP posts:
lorelei9here · 17/04/2016 16:20

OP if you were in any doubt about the issue, the madness on this thread really shows why you should correct them.

I will stick my neck out and say those who aren't using Ms are letting the side down and perpetuating the view that a woman's marital status should be announced to the world on paperwork. There, I said it.

buckingfrolicks · 17/04/2016 16:21

why do we need these anyway?

can anyone give me one good reason why anyone needs to know the gender of the person they are writing to, employing etc?

EBearhug · 17/04/2016 16:23

I will stick my neck out and say those who aren't using Ms are letting the side down and perpetuating the view that a woman's marital status should be announced to the world on paperwork.

This.

MrsBoDuke · 17/04/2016 16:24

I will stick my neck out and say those who aren't using Ms are letting the side down and perpetuating the view that a woman's marital status should be announced to the world on paperwork. There, I said it.

Yay!!
Women standing in judgement on other women!
Brilliant!

Although to be fair, at least you have the guts to actually say that you are judging and feel that other women are letting the sex down - other people on this thread hide behind their mealy mouthed 'factual' (not actually factual) arguments.

JessieMcJessie · 17/04/2016 16:24

OP please please please clarify whether HR stuck "Mrs" in front of your surname or actually addressed your payslip to Mrs DH's surname? I don't get why you keep ignoring the question?

MrsBoDuke · 17/04/2016 16:25

It really is like debating with men.....

oleoleoleole · 17/04/2016 16:28

YAbu. Unless you stated what name and title you wanted to use.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 17/04/2016 16:30

I will stick my neck out and say those who aren't using Ms are letting the side down and perpetuating the view that a woman's marital status should be announced to the world on paperwork. There, I said it.

And having said it you can fuck right off! If this is how women are supposed to behave towards each other then quite frankly i'd rather be a man. You really are behaving like a poor excuse for any sex i'd like to be associated with.

From now on in you can call me Mr Mangum.

EBearhug · 17/04/2016 16:32

can anyone give me one good reason why anyone needs to know the gender of the person they are writing to, employing etc?

It is necessary if you're working who to invite to smear tests, mammograms and prostate checks. In most other cases, it should make no difference to the service received or anything else.

lorelei9here · 17/04/2016 16:38

Mr Magnum "f this is how women are supposed to behave towards each other then quite frankly i'd rather be a man"

I won't say I'd rather be a man - maybe I would? I dont know - but I am equally dismayed that women behave as they do, on this thread, to a woman who wants a title that doesn't show her marital status.

im not sure if I think of myself as a feminist but it does seem that many women don't like the idea of equality with men.

Original poster
SpaceCadet4000 · 17/04/2016 16:38

Jessie I answered that question ages ago, hence why I haven't bothered to answer it again yet. They stuck Mrs in front of my surname, not my husband's.

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 17/04/2016 16:42

Sorry I had checked all your posts carefully but must have missed one.

AppleSetsSail · 17/04/2016 16:43

I will stick my neck out and say those who aren't using Ms are letting the side down and perpetuating the view that a woman's marital status should be announced to the world on paperwork. There, I said it.

Terribly sorry! Wink

OP it's lazy to assume a title rather than ask- I'd view it in the same way I would a misspelled name- but I don't think it necessarily reflects some deep undercurrent of sexism.

TaIkinPeace · 17/04/2016 16:44

In a health care situation I can tick the box that says "F"
without having to tick the box that says "shacked up"

I have an ongoing battle with Buckingham Palace about the inconsistent and offensive way they treat women in the honours list.
Who needs to know the name of Hilary Mantel's husband after all ?

FWIW (and it outs me but hey) I used to have a magazine sub at work that insisted on a personal and job title.
A few month later the MD hit the roof when he realised that I was having it addressed to "TiP, El Presidente, saddo firm"

as I said up thread,
go inconsistent and
go insane,
its the best way to make them stop asking ......

TeatimeForTheSoul · 17/04/2016 16:49

TalkinPeace you just made my day Grin

Organon8 · 17/04/2016 16:49

This would make me very angry too OP

Janey50 · 17/04/2016 16:51

Excuse my ignorance OP but what is an SJW?Confused

OneMagnumisneverenough · 17/04/2016 16:53

I don't think that anyone on this thread has any issue with the OP wanting to use a title that doesn't show her marital status. I think what they have the issue with is the fact that she was so angry over something that to be fair was a natural assumption for them to make in the absence of any other info from the OP. If she'd said to them I want to use Ms and they had gone ahead and used Mrs anyway then I could appreciate the point more.

Then what I and others have an issue with is being told that we are uninformed, stupid or traitors for being perfectly happy to use the title Mrs.

I have always been the main breadwinner in my home, my DH was a SAHP, so we were not your average family. If I choose to use Mrs and am happy with it, what gives you the right to tell me that I am letting you down eh?

The only discrimination I've come across here has been from other woman who think they are championing my cause since I am too weak, feeble and clearly under the thumb to know what is going on in my own head. So, once again, you can fuck right off with that. I don't care whether people know I am married or not but I hate the Ms title and I hate it more when people like you use it to put down my choices.

As far as I am concerned, I don't divide the world by men and women, I divide it by people who seem okay and the rest. So I don't need equality with men as I don't see them as being some separate species that seem to be better treated than the rest of the humans, as that has not been my experience. So, no equality with men is not a big feature in my life, a bigger one is fairness for people in general. Equal isn't always fair.

Organon8 · 17/04/2016 16:53

If you wanted to stay as Ms Space Cadet why bother with the marriage? I'm genuinely confused as to why changing your name is out dated and sexist but marriage isn't?

People like you are astounding Hmm

Original poster
SpaceCadet4000 · 17/04/2016 16:54

Social Justice Warrior- a fairly derogatory term for people who usually inhabit twitter etc, and campaign on issues of social importance and equality. It's creeping out of that space and into everyday vernacular.

OP posts:
228agreenend · 17/04/2016 17:03

One magnum - "like"

EBearhug · 17/04/2016 17:03

So, no equality with men is not a big feature in my life, a bigger one is fairness for people in general. Equal isn't always fair.

How is being judged by the title you use fair? Particularly when it happens to women but not men.

SenecaFalls · 17/04/2016 17:06

Titles are seldom asked for on forms in the US and I have never seen one on a credit card. In the US, as has been pointed out, the default is Ms, especially in professional settings. I don't know any married women who use Mrs. And I have noticed that more and more letters are addressed with no title and the salutation is "Dear Jane Smith." This is the Quaker form of address, though I am sure that is not the reason for its use, except maybe in parts of Pennsylvania.

I have speculated before that titles seem much more important in the UK than in the US, perhaps because y'all have so many more to choose from: lord, lady, sir, dame, etc.

AppleSetsSail · 17/04/2016 17:10

I'd guess that tendency for US corporations to not use Mrs on various forms has more to do with efficiency than anything else.

lorelei9here · 17/04/2016 17:12

Magnum, Petal asked the op if she was ashamed of being married. The mere fact you think it's a natural assumption for the HR team to make outlines the problem.