To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

[SpaceCadet4000]

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

Organon8 please explain what "people like me" means? Confused people "like me" asking a genuine question as I really don't understand the OP's issue?

Agree Magnum.

I too had an unconventional marriage set up, we were both in the forces but my husband worked in an office based trade with lots of women and I was an aircraft electrician working with mostly men.
I was promoted consistently ahead of my peers and for the latter part of my career was in charge of mostly men, ranging in age from 17 to much older than me.

I have consistently fought and battled prejudice and was very well respected in my male dominated trade.

AND YET!
Because I don't want to be called Ms I am letting down the female sex
What utter bollocks.

Very well said onemagnum. I had a career in a man's world a lifetime ago. At almost 56 I have never felt unequal to men or felt patronised by them or at a disadvantage in my life in any way.

As an HR manager, I think this was human error, is easy to put right and is entirely forgivable. The bigger issue as I have said before on the thread is that this organisation is using head hunters and non anonymised CVs to be used - that does bring with I the opportunity to bring preconceived judgements to the table. I think that's a bigger issue but it didn't put the OP off working for them. If they haven't got that sorted there's a bigger right to be had than that over what might have been a typo. Your data was probably input by a low paid administrator doing their beat to get through a shed load of work. I assume you were paid on time and the correct amount. That's the important bit surely.

If I got involved with this,because you did mire than send a polite email, I'd listen and be understanding, not bother to explain the pressure my team is under, or the awful personal stuff the person who made the error is going through, and reassure you I'd put in place steps to prevent it happening again. You will have taken up 20 minutes of my day, possibly upset a member of my team, marked your card and meant something more urgent was delayed.

Thank you for clarifying Space Cadet I genuinely was confused

'Marked your card'?!

Yes, as one of the difficult staff. The ones who cause an inward sigh when their name comes up on the phone. The ones who when their manager says "we're a bit worried about their relationships in the team" I might say "hmm, well they upset the staff here" when they joined.

You will have taken up 20 minutes of my day, possibly upset a member of my team, marked your card and meant something more urgent was delayed.

Technically, I highly doubt this will happen- I'll just be asking for my title to be changed when they get the chance, and not going into the whole backstory. Because, as you rightly point out, the company's HR practices are off the mark when it comes to ensuring equality.

At no point have I stated I'll be complaining, lamenting, or seeking some kind of moral retribution against HR's admin assistant. If that's how HR takes it after receiving a polite 1 line email, then this become a little more than just an assumption.

Interestingly, this is part of the reason I started the thread in the first place. I don't work in HR, don't know the ins and outs of their processes, and certainly don't want to get my card marked.

Thanks for clearing that up Bowfort.

I did Sa if you sent mire than a polite email which I think is what you intend to do and I'm pleased because it's all that's necessary for a simple admin ertor.

seneca is right : the Quakers (my birth faith) do not use titles at all, ever
Quaker businesses were some of the biggest and best in the world.
(Cadbury)

titles are narrowing - throw them off

The mere fact you think it's a natural assumption for the HR team to make outlines the problem.

What problem?

Also I said it was a natural assumption as I would go with the statistical norm on the basis that there was more chance of being correct.

How is being judged by the title you use fair? Particularly when it happens to women but not men.

How has the OP been judged here?

How is being judged by the title you use fair?

The only people that have been judged on this thread are the women who don't want to or won't use Ms.
They're the traitors to their sex apparently.

Very good point MrsBoDuke

I'm all for feminism but not when it means I get accused of letting the side down because I changed my name when I married! I respect anyone's decision to change it or not and it makes me no less of a woman because I was happy to have my DH name which is also my children's name!

"Then what I and others have an issue with is being told that we are uninformed, stupid or traitors for being perfectly happy to use the title Mrs."

To be honest, I don't actually think anyone has said anything of the sort!!!

Then you need to read back up the posts Bertrand

Well, someone has said that the Mrs's in the thread were letting their side down.

I won't say that anyone is letting the side down, but I do believe that a more progressive society would not label women on the basis of their marital status when men are not.

See, I am a Special Snowflake but I cocked up when it came to changing my name, and it is something you need to address if you don't want to be lumbered with the less-preferred option.
I automatically went the Mrs route after getting married as I was pleased to get shot of my 'maiden' name (bad family connotations) and didn't think enough about the implications of Ms vs Mrs.
I now select Ms, but almost everything is already Mrs and I cant be arsed to contact every company and change it. It mildly peeves me, but I just wish I'd chosen better at the point of marriage and been Ms from the get go.

Women who use the label Mrs have been judged several times on this thread, for being obsessed with marriage, wanting to prove we could 'get a man', for being suspicious of Ms's wanting to 'steal our men', for letting the side down etc etc.

Women against women, divide and conquer.

Best thing I ever did was become American. I was born with a title and married a title. I became American and now have a first and last name. It's so very simple. Teachers address me as 'DDs/DS's mom' and letters say 'Parents'. We have same sex couples now and Hispanic culture means wives keep their maiden last name.

Only issue I have is my last name is two separate last names and not hyphenated. We go by the last one only but government documentation requires both. Drivers license requires a hyphen or the two names together but my social security card and passport don't hence my name on all forms of my ID doesn't match causing issues all the time. Darn DH and his blasted name!

I agree it makes it easier if everyone in the family has the same surname.

I would quite happily have taken my wife's name if it hadn't have been for the fact that my surname (of Huguenot origin) would possibly have died out. 46 years later, I'm more relaxed about it.

It's a fact that I know much more about my maternal grandfather than I do about my grandmother. To my shame, I don't even know her maiden name!

As regards Ms v Mrs, it'll happen eventually, despite the few dinosaurs on this thread!

[Ducks for cover!]

My grandfather did take my grandmother's maiden name. He arrived in the UK in 1921 from Russia via China and India, having left with his family in 1917. His name was "forrin" hers was nicely English.

I don't see what difference it makes in general to have a last name you were probably given at birth because it was your father's or to have the last name you have taken on because it is your husband's. Logically both situations are historically about having your identity formed by the 'important man' in your life.
If someone wants to be entirely feminist then they should try something different like taking their mother's first name with child or daughter added to it as their last name like they do in some other countries eg Sarah MaryChild or Janet AnnDaughter or come up with something completely new as Will Self did to assert one's own identity as an independent person.
A quick email to HR solves the OP problem and as for being unreasonable to feel angry etc. it is never unreasonable to have feelings - they belong to you and are part of your identity and whether they are the same or like most other people's is neither here nor there. The unreasonable bit is if you make more of a fuss and cause more trouble for yourself or others than is sensible by expressing those feelings disproportionately. It was sensible to check somewhere like this and I expect you've sussed out the best course of action.

What an interesting thread!

I was really annoyed this week to see that all my appraisal documents gave Mrs on. Why not just firstname lastname. It's just seems really odd to me. It's made me consider using Mrs in my personal life and converting to ms professionally.