To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

[SpaceCadet4000]

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

[lljkk]

um... I'm a lifelong Ms. user too, & don't really get the anger. Just politely tell them about the mistake, make sure they stick to it & move on.

I'd save anger for more important stuff.

I did register for a sports event as Mr recently. It was as accurate as all the other titles they offered .

[HowLongTillTippingPoint]

Does it matter? Really?

When I tell people both in my old work and in my personal life that I am married shock horror they assume I mean to a man. I don't get offended or pissed off or even care that they have just assumed I am married to a man. It doesn't matter because when the majority of women say they are married they mean to a man. In the same way that when the majority of women say they are married they use Mrs.

Nobody is deciding that I am married to a man or that you are a Mrs. They are just going through the motions and ticking a box. A box that they tick for most people.

They're not undermining your identity or mine. No need to be angry. Just e-mail them and they will change it. Then take a breath and move on.

[SpaceCadet4000]

Completely agree with many of you. If workplaces are to get the bigger things right (equal pay, fair provision of parental leave for women and men, women being promoted into senior roles) I think there's an expectation that they address the basics.

This company in particular promotes itself as a great workplace for women, and my role is partially related to maintaining this image, so I am surprised that this isn't a regular consideration.

[capsicumcat21]

Actually I always address women as 'Ms' and men as 'Mr' in correspondance unless they have specified their preference.

I have had several equally irate replies for married women furious that I didn't put 'Mrs'. It is very difficult to get it right and quite often if you're writing to someone who hasn't told you their marital status 'Ms' seems to be the most sensible option although seemingly not in many circles.

I have never been married and,, presumably due to my age people and children people assume I'm married and call me 'Mrs' but I really couldn't give a flying f**k but then I'm am really not a special snowflake.

There seems bigger things to worry about!

[BeaufortBelle]

All these people who refuse to use Mrs because it denotes some sort of inequality would you, in the event that your husband got a knighthood, refuse to use the title Lady? Just wondering

[Mellowautumn]

This makes me smile as the OP Is being called a special snowflake over something that is actually very sexist when if it had been a Trans person being misgendered it would be all over Twitter with outrage and it being declared as violence etc.

[1frenchfoodie]

If there was no 'disclosure of title' then surely HR are just guessing based on the most common title i.e. Mrs, as they know you are married. If Ms is important to you then it would have been best to mention that.

[OneMagnumisneverenough]

Not sure how this undermines your identity.

I'm in my 40s and virtually every married woman I know uses Mrs, even one who is no longer married.

[SpaceCadet4000]

Also, TheVeryThing- I was headhunted. Prior to being hired they had an understanding of what I'd achieved in previous roles, a copy of my CV (which doesn't include my title as not relevant), and they could look up my LinkedIn. The industry norm is to hire from within (very large company), through professional networks, or through a consultant. HR induction would be the first point where more personal details are disclosed.

[LadyIncuntliaButtock]

You asked are you BU for emailing HR and asking them to change it. No you are not.

However, YABU for feeling 'really angry' and feeling that your 'identity has been undermined' - people can and do make assumptions. A polite correction is all that's needed, not getting yourself into a lather over it.

[LadyStoicIsBack]

I have always retained my own name and am very firmly a Ms. I cannot tell you the number of times I'm called 'Mrs' in spite of the aforementioned and in spite of the fact I'm not, y'know, married

Doesn't seem to matter what box I check or what title I give over the phone etc as invariably (I'm talking 60-70% of the time here!) I will still be called 'Mrs'.

It boils my piss TBH as it's so frickin dismissing if I have already spelt it out, and it's reductionist to just 'assume' it IMHO

Separately, I have NO clue why women - premised upon archaic laws which meant you had to be a Mrs and name change when got married - change their names when they marry, it's 2016 FFS...

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Bellefort. Yes. Not that it would matter, because he'd refuse the knighthood

[HowLongTillTippingPoint]

@LadyStoiclsBack

I changed to Mrs and my wife changed her name and also to Mrs when we got married because we wanted to. Does there need to be more of a reason?

[toldmywrath]

I'm not sure how to pronounce Ms, so I don't like it for that reason ( it also sounds pretentious to me)
Since this is AIBU- yes I believe you are bu to get angry over this mistake.

Otherwise this thread has made me smile about what people can get so het up about.

[HarlotBronte]

All these people who refuse to use Mrs because it denotes some sort of inequality would you, in the event that your husband got a knighthood, refuse to use the title Lady? Just wondering hmm

The chances of my husband accepting a knighthood, in the unlikely event that one were offered, are about as high as the chances of the sun rising in the west tomorrow. If he did, I'd have nothing to do with the entire charade and certainly wouldn't be enough of a twat to draw attention to it by using a title. Urrgh. The shame. Actually if I'm not mistaken, I think you might have asked this question before, and got told how ridiculous it was then too. Apologies if it was someone else.

YANBU OP. Do tell them what your correct title is. It's little things like this that will make people understand the right course of action, when one does not know a woman's title and is compelled to use one, is to go with 'Ms'.

[CrotchetQuaverMinim]

perhaps they were trying to make sure that they remembered you - details like the fact that you were married might be a nice thing to know about someone, and it shows that they know who you are, so it could be something like that that made someone choose it if they didn't otherwise know. It probably would have been the default, since not everyone likes Ms - in fact I know a very many people would prefer not to be called Ms. So they're always going to run the risk of getting it wrong for someone, and perhaps they were just too busy or didn't think it mattered enough to ask. I often get Miss/Ms/Mrs/Mr and don't think twice about it (I usually tick 'miss', on forms, even though I could tick 'Dr', and have a somewhat androgynous name, hence the Mr). I tend to assume that people are actually trying to be polite or kind or whatever, and although they happen to have got it wrong in my case, if I assume that they had good intentions, then I don't get bothered by things as much.

[BeaufortBelle]

Reflecting more about this OP, if you worked for a more up to date organisation that recruited transparently and had good policies and procedures around equality and diversity this role would have been advertised and you would have applied electronically, and your personal details would have been pulled through directly from the application to the new employee fields in the database.

All you have and indeed had to do was be clear about your preferred title. You are entitled to chose which title you prefer as a woman and this should be respected.

The equality issue that really winds me up is in relation to Drs (medical ones). It really really irks me when they use my first name yet the staff around them call them Dr such and such whilst referring to me by first name. I am not aware that I am subordinate to a doctor and therefore I don't comprehend why any doctor should expect me to address them using their title and surname whilst I am referred to by my first name. I just extend my hand now and say very nicely "how lovely to meet you; I don't think I caught your name". If they say "Dr Jones" I just say "I'm Mrs Belle". More often they go on the backfoot and say "er um, oh, Paul". One day I'll pluck up courage and ask the nurse or HCA why they think the doctor needs a title but the patient doesn't. Sadly I think it's probably because so many women get arsy over their titles - I say that because my local hospital calls men in as "Mr" but not women.

[DiscoGlitter]

You told them you were married, and then get angry as they've assumed you're a Mrs?
They're not psychic. Fair enough, you want to be known as Ms, that's up to you. Total over-reaction to be angry about it though, it won't have been done on purpose!
Just tell them so they know. Job done.

[BertrandRussell]

"I'm not sure how to pronounce Ms, so I don't like it for that reason"

Do you dislike anything you can't be arsed to find out how to pronounce?

[Blu]

To clarify - did they actually use your SH's surname? Or your surname with 'Mrs' in front?

I think to have used your name but used Mrs, you having said you had a husband was irritating but one of those things, but if they took it upon themselves to address you by your husband's surname- that is a whole different level of presumption!

[SpaceCadet4000]

Interestingly, I am going to just send an email politely asking for it to be changed- I may be angry about it, but I am an adult with the ability to contextualise my anger...

But for those saying IABU, do you not think that HR just having a bloody form where people list their title, denote their DoB, address, NI etc would be an easy way to dodge this minefield?

Given that there's no set opinion, and we all clearly have different perspectives (some stronger than others), surely letting women make their own choice would be better than not asking at all??

Also- how is it pretentious to want to be addressed in the same way men are? i.e. independent of my marital status. Especially in contexts in which it's irrelevant?

[SpaceCadet4000]

Blu- I never took my husband's surname, but equally HR would never have known this unless they knew who my husband was.

[Beeziekn33ze]

Toldmywrath. Try Miz as pronunciation.
As I see it Miss - telling the world I'm unmarried
Mrs. - telling the world I'm married or a widow
Ms - my marital status is nobody else's business

[freddiethegreat]

And I am Miss. And staff at my son's school call me Miss/Ms/Mrs at seeming random. Occasionally the first half of my double-barrelled first name (think 'Mary' rather than 'Mary-Ann') and sometimes & most annoyingly, Mum. I would choose to be 'Mary-Ann' or at a push Miss Surname, and 'Mum' in particular (I am my son's mum, not theirs!) makes me want to spit. However, I have a LOT of more important battles to fight around my son and I think they are doing their best & obsessing around the name/title will serve no particular purpose. . .

[prettybird]

For those that say they don't know how to pronounce "Ms" - how do they know how to pronounce "Mrs" or "Mr" ? Neither of those are pronounced the way that they're written, but it doesn't seem to be a big issue.

If you genuinely don't know, it's Mizz (or M'zz).