To be offended that my cousin sent this gift back?

[FlyRussianUnicorn]

Cousins little girl has just turned 8. Very much a girly girl and loves dressing up, playing with her mums makeup etc.

I got her some dressing up outfits and some play makeup for her birthday- actual toy stuff, not "real" makeup.

Cousin has sent it back in the mail. I contacted her and asked her why and apparently it isn't appropriate for a 8 year old to have her own makeup. I'm talking cheap stuff in plastic tat- lipgloss and eyeliner and a cheap nail art set. I didn't want to cause an argument so I apologise and she seemed really pissed off.

AIBU to be offended?

I wouldn't want my daughter to have make up at 8 either, I wouldn't have sent it back, I just wouldn't have told you and I wouldn't have given her it

Recipient was rude to send it back. IF child has allergies, a polite "thanks but she can't wear make up, for future reference" would be OK, otherwise just a mention next time you meet of "thanks for the present but just so you know I'm not keen on X having make up sets". Personally I would then either let child use it on a doll I don't mind getting trashed or pass it on still sealed as a present to someone else/donate to charity shop.

I don't like seeing kids in make up, BUT there's a whole difference between allowing make up and just treating it as dressing up. My 8yo has been given a makeover several times by her teenage sister for fun - we took a picture, and cleaned it off before she went out to play. Where is the harm?

And on the gender neutral side I couldn't give two hoots what DD3 plays with as long as I feel that she is genuinely enjoying it - she has Lego Friends as she likes the characters (shock! horror!) but equally her scooter is black with a skull on as that's what she chose, she has dressing up clothes from princess to police to doctor (no, not a pink police officer or doctor) and a mat with toy cars. She has some child nail polishes and lip balms, as well as a mini Scalextric and some K'Nex. I have never forced ideas on her (perhaps because I wasn't allowed cars or trains as a child as they were "boy things") or said that any toy is just for boys or girls.

The posters who are agreeing with mum's decision; did you see the part where she allows her dd to play with make-up? Because you all seem to be ignoring it.

Tea my problem with MN is that, if I'm entirely honest, there's a really sneering, unpleasant undertone to these discussions about little girls who genuinely want to wear sparkly tutus and play dress up. You can claim it's not there, but I've seen it.

Like that comment about teaching girls they can be pilots. That's just fucking offensive! I was the first person in my family to get a university degree and work in a highly thought of profession, and I played fairies and dress up and wore play make up.

Now someone will come along and tell me that I only wanted to do that because I was conditioned to. Maybe, maybe not.

The point is, it's a valid choice and I won't ever allow anyone to make my dd feel bad or less worthy because she's wearing pink sparkly shoes.

I mean; how backwards can you get, really?

All these posts proudly stating that the poster never wears make up, never puts a dress on etc. That's great, if that's your choice. But there's NOTHING WRONG with the poster who wears layers of make up and puts on seven inch heels every day if that's what she wants.

These threads make for some unpleasant reading most of the time, when innocent little girls are borderline villified for wanting to dress like Elsa.

Another one jumping in to say that I don't think playing with makeup as a child is necessarily a bad thing. My (ordinarily running, jumping, climbing sort) is 7 and my makeup bag hasn't been safe since she could walk unaided, culminating in several ruined MAC lipsticks and the decision that she can have her own makeup for mucking about in (in the house only.) In fact, the promise of one of those cheapy MUA lipsticks has averted crisis level behaviour on many a shopping trip in the past.

Makeup is fun, I wear it for fun, as an expression of my creativity. I'm just as happy not wearing it as I am with a full face on. As long as I'm encouraging my daughter in her other pursuits and not telling her she's just a pretty face (and she does have a very pretty face, imo) then I see no harm in having a dabble.

Your cousin was breathtakingly rude, but I wouldn't punish her daughter by refusing to send presents in future. Chuck a fiver in a card next time (and nothing for the cousin.)

If you can't send nothing next year - do a voucher or cash.

I wasn't please when my five year old was given as a birthday present a make-up set. I removed some thing and left the rest as didn't want tears and tantrums. Some was uses, some was used a paint for picture and some ended up on clothes and walls .

I think to send a present back is very rude.

Though if someone had years of form for inappropriate presents or loads of form for undermining presents that they know will upset the us the parents I might be tempted. Though with the undermine presents (stuff that is dangerous or with very poor messages usually clothes) with IL we have just got rid of them.

child has allergies, a polite "thanks but she can't wear make up, for future reference

That's the response we've taken with clothes or transfers for our child with very sensitive skin and allergies. It usually works.

So yes I do think they have been rude.

I'm sure I have given children inappropriate gifts in the past- it's easy to do and usually an honest mistake. Even now, I find it difficult to choose gifts for my nieces (I have four sons so not really my area of expertise) .
However, I've taught my children that if they are given a gift they don't like or can't use due to allergies, they smile politely and say thank you, because anything else is hideously rude.
There was obviously no intent to cause offence. It wasn't even the main present, just a little extra something to go with the dressing up outfits. The cousin was being a cow and I would let her know that in no uncertain terms.

Tea my problem with MN is that, if I'm entirely honest, there's a really sneering, unpleasant undertone to these discussions about little girls who genuinely want to wear sparkly tutus and play dress up. You can claim it's not there, but I've seen it.

I can't claim it isn't there, Walter, because to be honest, I now skip the pink tutu threads the same way I skip MIL/DH doesn't do enough around the house/Kate Cambridge is a sponging anorexic in nude heels threads - because they seem to circulate endlessly over the same material

My only position on this is that, as the mother of a small son, I make no apology at all for encouraging play/role-play etc that offers a gentle corrective to the heavily gendered messages he's increasingly getting from the rest of society.

This doesn't mean I assign any kind of negative value to one of his current favoured activities, which is running around the garden in a knight's helmet fighting imaginary dragons, but it means we also might read Sir Lilypad later on (storybook which features a cool crime-fighting princess and a tiny frog knight). And that I'm pleased that on Wednesdays the other children at his childminder's are all girls, so they are more likely to end up playing some kind of hybrid of house/Paw Patrol and tree-climbing than on Tuesdays, where the tone of play is dominated by slightly older boys play-wrestling and talking about computer games.

I'm interested in keeping his options open for imaginative play, not shutting down some of them because 'they're for girls', something he's been hearing from other children and adults since he was quite small.

YANBU, your cousin is extremely rude and ungrateful.

I can't believe some of the comments on here, when my DD was 8 she loved nothing more than dressing up and putting on "play" make up, I don't know a little girl who doesn't like doing that. FWIW, my 5 yo DS loves putting on my make up. I presume that's OK because he's a boy.... He's utterly shit at it though.

Wow, I'm new to MN and I'm genuinely shocked at how upset people are on this thread over how inappropriate the gift was. My little girl loves dressing up, playing with make up and doing her hair, she equally loves to play with cars with her brothers, get muddy & play outside. 2 of my sons also love to dress up with their sister (as princesses) and have their nails painted, they equally love to dress as super heroes and play outside etc...
Kids are kids, Let them all play with dolls, cars, make up, kitchens, whatever.... I think we're all a wee bit too quick to jump on the moral high horse these days. Bottom line is it was extremely bad mannered to return a gift in such a way.

You are too reasonable, not sure you will fit on on MN

She was rude to send it back - she should have accepted it graciously then either binned it or given it to charity shop or put away until she was old enough to have it.

I do have to say though that the gift wasn't really appropriate for an 8 year old. The dressing up stuff (I'm assuming it was princess/cinderella dresses etc being a girly girl?) was fine. The make up, no. Especially the eyeliner. I see people round here and their babies (under twos) wearing nail polish?! I think it is shocking!

DH was a bit annoyed with me for buying DC2 nail varnish for last weekend's fifth birthday party.

I was a bit that it was because DC2 is a DS.

He claims it's because the DC aren't allowed nail varnish at school (which is true). I pointed out that (1) it's the school holidays at present (2) he gets his toenails painted maybe once a month or so with my Rimmel anyway and (3) we take it off on a Monday morning before school anyway.

I think it's horribly ungrateful to return a present when you don't like it - gently mentioning that you're trying to avoid that kind of thing so in future she'd love a book/penknife/scooter is another matter.

In my world, you only return a gift if you are rejecting the giver.

Of course you're right to be offended.
Of course, of course, of course this has turned into an opportunity for MNers to criticise your choice of gift and show off about their superior morals and lovely taste (My kids wear Clinique don'tchaknow!)

I don't feel that this is an inappropriate gift in anyway - I think it's lovely BUT that wasn't what you were asking was it despite everybody having their opinion on your choice of gift. I only gave you my opinion to ensure you that not everybody is so uptight about a little bit of 8 year old play make up ffs!
Anyway I think your cousin was incredibly rude, I was always taught & my children the same that you should always be grateful & be thankful. If she didn't think it appropriate just put it in the charity bag & thank you graciously for the gift.
My mil buys me a l'occitaine gift set stocking filler every year for Xmas - I can't stand it, but every year I thank her & put it on eBay - I haven't the heart to tell her I don't like it 😂

I personally would not be a bit keen on toy make up but it was really awful of her to send it back to you. As if you are trying to do anything other than give something her child will enjoy. It's really hard to pick out presents of other people's children.

My own DD also loves this stuff, roots around in my makeup bag and wants to try it all on. She's barely 5 however, and I STILL would not give her toy make up to play with though she does have lip gloss and nail varnish in spite of me

I just feel it is too adult for her. It's totally my own parenting preferences and choices though, and there's no way I'd throw it back in someone's face as something fundamentally offensive or something.

My SIL in fact did give my dd some empty real makeup containers to play with and I threw them out but said nothing to SIL. I probably wouldn't get away with that now actually, as DD would be all over it

Very rude, if you don't like it, bin it or send to charity and substitute some money for her.
My 6 and 4 year old DDs love play make up, cheap, doesnt do their skin or nails any harm and it's only used for dressing up. I sometimes wear make up so don't think it's right to pretend it didn't exist. It's part of playing being a grown up. Their favourite game is mud pies so don't I dont think a bit of being girly is turning them into wannabe models.

I actually find it funny that people think allowing girls to play with makeup will make them feel they need it to be beautiful. Its not to be beautiful, its pretend play.

Tbh they are far more likely to get their attitude to makeup from their mother. So if you don't really wear it your DC are unlikely to wear it much as adults either. However if you'd never be seen outside the house without it then they are more likely to grow up thinking its necessary.

I had lots of make up around the age of 9 despite never being a girly girl in any other sense. My mom didn't have any for me to use, so bought me my own. I rarely ever wore make up as a teenager and only as an adult - about 3, maybe 4 times in the last 5yrs.

How rude your cousin is to send the gift back. I would be really annoyed if someone did that to me. How many of us as little girls played with our mum's make up or tried on high heel shoes. She could have at least thanked you for the thought. Your cousin sounds like a right nightmare and I'd be tempted to send her a text or something apologising for your mistake but feeling a bit upset that she felt it was necessary to send the present back.

My 8 year old twin dds would love this present, as would most of their friends!
Regardless, I would never send a present back in such a rude way.

It is rude of her. You probably gave a lot of thought to choosing this gift. A similar thing happened to me once, many years ago. My SIL made my brother return a large jigsaw puzzle as she said it was too big to go on anything. I felt annoyed and never gave her family another present again. See, all those years ago and I never forgot.

So true Casta

Only in MN does this bullcrap exist

Utter bollocks.

You do realise that every person that disagrees with the toy makeup is an actual person who has exactly those opinions outside of MN too? I know, amazing isn't it?!

Emmah75 yes I've just started to get used to mumsnet as am new too. I've had some surprising overreactions to some of my posts, which have given me a gulp moment. Not letting it worry me now and steer clear of the bullying.