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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not want him there

222 replies

ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 00:05

I am part of an Nct group who meet approx every two weeks. Our dc are all around 4 months old and most of us are still breastfeeding undecided if we ever want to have sex again dealing with body issues etc which we like to discuss. One of the girls is going back to work and her husband is taking over her parental leave. She's asked if he can come to the meetings instead of her. No one has said no but I know a few of the girls don't like him me included and to be honest he's just a bit of a twat. A well meaning twat, but still a twat. I don't really want to go if he's there, it feels like someone has invaded our safe place. He's been once with her and I couldn't wait for him to leave. I will most probably avoid the meetings if he ends up going all the time which is a shame as they are a nice bunch but it's just not the same. AIBU to not want him there and think she's a bit cheeky for asking for him to join and should I/can I say anything?

OP posts:
HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 11/04/2016 22:39

Ah yes, if people would only "RTFT" so they could keep track of how the story keeps changing.

How the "nice twat" who was about to become a SAHP suddenly morphed into a misogynist when the thread didn't go OPs way. And the NCT group that met twice a week became a group of friends unconnected to the NCT.

Let him come once. To be honest, your descriptions of sitting around talking about not having sex and bitching about your husbands make your gatherings, NCT approved or not, sound fucking unbearable and I very much doubt he'll come back twice.

sleeponeday · 11/04/2016 22:55

The story isn't changing. She said he was a well-meaning twat, but still a twat. I know several extremely sexist men you could describe that way.

I know several women who still regularly meet with NCT friends, and the kids are 7. They aren't an official NCT group. They're friends who met via NCT. That's not changing a story - it's clarifying a situation, because as has been said, if this were an NCT mother and baby group you couldn't stop anyone coming at all. And it plainly isn't an official group, because she said they meet "approx every two weeks". Official groups have set dates and times. That's fairly axiomatic.

Really don't know why so many people get a kick out of sticking the boot in like this. It's needless and unpleasant. And I say that as someone who hates organised maternity set-ups, and would no more do an NCT course than set fire to a bundle of tenners.

IAmTheWhoreOfBabylon · 11/04/2016 23:03

YANBU and I don't think you should have to justify it.
I like womens company and meet regularly with a group of friends
If one started working and said her DH could come along I would be Hmm
I don't see your situation as any different and you should not need to justify why you don't want a man in the group

2rebecca · 11/04/2016 23:53

Agree that if it's just a bunch of friends meeting up unconnected to anything official then I don't see why the OP and her friends didn't just tell the female friend that no they didn't want her husband to come.
If it was a group of men meeting up one of the blokes wouldn't just ask if his wife could come instead. You don't become interchangeable jigsaw pieces when you get married.

2rebecca · 11/04/2016 23:58

And OP wouldn't have needed to explain that they are just a friendship group if she hadn't clearly and unambiguously stated in her opening sentence "I am part of an NCT group...". If it's not an NCT group why confuse matters by ever mentioning the NCT?

Most thread problems like this are caused by misleading opening posts.

TwoLittleBlooms · 12/04/2016 00:29

YABVU. He is taking over the role of primary carer of their daughter for the duration of leave. He is likely going to be isolated until he finds his feet in his new role as SAHP. His wife (your friend) asked if he could come along to the meet up - as a parent he too needs support - and you and your pals said yes? If you had an issue you should have said so when asked instead of being two faced saying yes to her face and then coming on here and moaning about it.

Baboooshka · 12/04/2016 06:37

And OP wouldn't have needed to explain that they are just a friendship group if she hadn't clearly and unambiguously stated in her opening sentence "I am part of an NCT group...". If it's not an NCT group why confuse matters by ever mentioning the NCT?

The NCT part's actually important. I know a lot of posters are comparing this to a husband randomly turning up to see a group of his wife's friends lots of comments like yours about married couples not being interchangeable and, yes, that would be odd.

But NCT courses are aimed at both parents, and with the inbuilt expectation that people will continue meeting up after the course is over. Socialising with other parents is a huge part of NCT -- maybe even the main part, since we all have access to medical advice and could find the info they give elsewhere. It's predominantly used by first-time parents who don't know many other people with kids. (Isn't that why NCT gets shit on MN, sometimes? It's expensive, middle-class, and you're basically paying for friends.)

As someone's already said, the course leader takes everyone's email addresses and shares them, and usually appoints one person 'organiser', with the assumption that the group will continue meeting. It's not a sign of enduring friendship that an NCT group is still meeting 4 months post-birth. It would be unusual if they weren't meeting up. It takes a while to work out whether or not you actually have anything in common with this people, other than being parents, but at the early stages you need each other for a support network, and that's why people are saying it's unfair to excluse one SAHP because he's a guy.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 12/04/2016 07:05

Wow, there are some real thickos on this thread
Op yanbu, obviously

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 12/04/2016 07:21

Wow, there are some real thickos on this thread
Op yanbu, obviously

Thick because we think it's pretty nasty to exclude a fellow parent from meeting up with other parents to avoid isolation, just because he is a man?!Confused

He's better off anyway, a bunch ofwomen still banging on about birth 4 months after the fact sounds boring as hell, I'd rather gouge my eyes out!

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 12/04/2016 07:22

Nope - the thickos are the ones still banging on about it being an nct meet when it's perfectly obvious it's just a bunch of friends meeting up

LittleMisslovesspiders · 12/04/2016 07:32

Wow, there are some real thickos on this thread

And throwing insults around is ridiculous.

Baboooshka · 12/04/2016 07:47

Wow, there are some real thickos on this thread
Op yanbu, obviously

Oh, I'm glad we sorted that out, then. Any more threads you could adjudicate?

Waltermittythesequel · 12/04/2016 07:52

Why are posters insisting this is an NCT meet up with OP has repeatedly explained that it's not?

Just, why? What are you getting from it?

Alanna1 · 12/04/2016 08:20

YABvvU! Put yourself in your friend's shoes (or her partner's!). He needs a place to go with their baby and to learn how to manage his days with some peer support too. Its hard enough for men to take parental leave as it is without the NCT group behaving like a bunch of teenagers! I know only 2 dads who have done this and it was hard for them. And taking over at this stage is not easy either, harder to sit and gossip and make friends as baby becomes more active. I struggle to believe you discuss your sex lives all the time - chat about other stuff when he's with you. You will also probably find he doesn't like you that much either and over time finds a different group to hang out with too.

JassyRadlett · 12/04/2016 11:38

Just, why? What are you getting from it?

Because a lot of us have experience of exactly the kind of group and meet up she's described, and we know that comparing it to normal, non-artificial groups of mates at 4-months in is a steaming pile of bollocks.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/04/2016 11:43

You can't know that for sure, though.

They could have naturally clicked. They could have become very good friends, even in a small amount of time. It does happen.

There's no way of knowing for sure so it seems a bit senseless to keep labouring the point, when the OP keeps saying your perception of them is wrong.

Itsmine · 12/04/2016 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Runningupthathill82 · 12/04/2016 11:54

Quite aside from anything else, I do wonder why the the OP and this group - if they are "proper" mates and not an NCT group still meeting up - are still talking so much about their post-birth vaginas, four months on.

I'm 11 weeks postnatal. My vagina is not a main topic of conversation. I can't help thinking that the OP is using this as an excuse to not have this bloke around.

Either that, or the group are so pushed for conversation that they DO talk about birth and the recovery non-stop. Which would suggest that they really are an NCT group going through the motions of friendship, rather than real mates with more in common than childbirth.

JassyRadlett · 12/04/2016 11:59

They could have naturally clicked. They could have become very good friends, even in a small amount of time. It does happen

I asked OP several questions to try to clarify that very point. No answer, unfortunately.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/04/2016 12:28

There's a lot of OP's disappearing and avoiding questions around here lately!

JassyRadlett · 12/04/2016 12:48

It seems to be what the cool kids are up to these days Grin

WellErrr · 12/04/2016 13:24

If I was the OP id disappear too. This thread is ridiculous.

It doesn't matter that he's a man. This is a friendship group, not NCT.
Substitute 'friend's DH none of us are keen on' for 'friend's MIL/sister/nanny none of us are keen on.'

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