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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want him there

222 replies

ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 00:05

I am part of an Nct group who meet approx every two weeks. Our dc are all around 4 months old and most of us are still breastfeeding undecided if we ever want to have sex again dealing with body issues etc which we like to discuss. One of the girls is going back to work and her husband is taking over her parental leave. She's asked if he can come to the meetings instead of her. No one has said no but I know a few of the girls don't like him me included and to be honest he's just a bit of a twat. A well meaning twat, but still a twat. I don't really want to go if he's there, it feels like someone has invaded our safe place. He's been once with her and I couldn't wait for him to leave. I will most probably avoid the meetings if he ends up going all the time which is a shame as they are a nice bunch but it's just not the same. AIBU to not want him there and think she's a bit cheeky for asking for him to join and should I/can I say anything?

OP posts:
Aspergallus · 09/04/2016 00:43

Now that the situation has been clarified to being much the same as is going on in every high school playground any day of the week ("I don't like x, I don't want x in my gang"), how do you think you should handle it, OP?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 09/04/2016 00:46

The way you referred to it op made it sound like a place for new mothers, still getting to grips with motherhood and a safe space in that respect. Your own ambiguity let you down, Aspergallus didn't really say anything wrong.

Original poster
ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 00:47

Martina possibly, I think she just thinks he's a 'brilliant laugh' and he's not. I'm not the only one who feels like this by the way.

OP posts:
OrangesandLemonsNow · 09/04/2016 00:49

So basically you have all been gossiping about him behind his back Hmm

Original poster
ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 00:49

Well I do apologise. I suppose it's a bit of both, I'm the first one of my group of mates to have a baby so it is the only place I talk about pregnancy/giving birth etc related issues but it's not exclusively about that.

OP posts:
getyourfingeroutyournose · 09/04/2016 00:50

OP I'm wondering if the wife wants her sexist hubby to learn not to be a twat and she trusts you all enough to school him if she's struggling with him??

I don't think it's fair to go off at OP for not liking someone because he makes her uncomfortable for various reasons and I think by "baby mates" she meant people she met since having children and bonded through that. I have my normal friends who I've known and met through various things and the friends I have met purely because I have DS. They're all nice people in their own ways. I am not as close to the ones I met through parenting as I am to the lunatics I already knew before having DS. It's like having your mates and then work mates. You get on with them but they're not all one big group.

Original poster
ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 00:53

Getyourfinger yes! Exactly this! I think you've hit the nail on the head. Thank you. I think it was the mention of the Nct that got backs up. I didn't particularly like the Nct course, just met some nice people there. Grin

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 09/04/2016 00:55

YABU and you keep changing your story. Men are parents too and it sounds like because he doesn't have a vagina you're going out of your way to exclude him especially with all this 'nice twat' business.

GraysAnalogy · 09/04/2016 00:56

not really up to you to define what I feel my safe place is that's totally subjective to me and my personal situation

And it's not up to you to exclude people from places just because you've decided to designate a particular one as your 'safe space'

CandyFlossBrain · 09/04/2016 00:57

Don't stop going just because you don't like him. And don't feel you have to censor yourself because there may be a misogynist twat in your midst. Let it all out! If he's uncomfortable he can stop attending. You may find he only comes to a few meetings anyway, then loses interest, especially if things like breastfeeding are main topics.

You can't do anything about him attending, but you shouldn't let it affect you either. It may not be as bad as you think. He may not be as twattish alone. Or you may all find ways to manage it. If he is a misogynist he'd probably be delighted to learn that he'd restricted your social circle.

Original poster
ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 01:00

Nothing to do with his penis grays he's sexist so I don't feel comfortable discussing the stuff we'd normally discuss in front of him. We've spoken about vaginas in front of one of the other husbands on a different occasion. No story changes I suppose just more details I'm not making it up so nothing to change. Shouldn't have mentioned the parenting aspect as its really not about that. I'm fully aware that men are parents too and I have no problem with that whatsoever.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 09/04/2016 01:00

And don't feel you have to censor yourself because there may be a misogynist twat in your midst
What? So a man attending an NCT is automatically a suspect of misogyny?

FuriousFate · 09/04/2016 01:01

Your OP made sense to me, OP. Not sure why there's been such difficulty understanding it, to be honest. I just took it to be a bit like the group I met at NCT, that then carried on meeting each week after the babies were born. One mum went back to work and so the dad stepped into her spot, so to speak. Anyhow...

I don't think you're being unreasonable to not want him there. A dad dropping by once in a while was fine for my group, but there are definitely some things that we wouldn't have discussed with a dad around. I'm thinking quite personal details - split stitches, reconstructive surgery, inverted nipples, mastitis, getting back into sex etc. I wouldn't discuss these things with the husbands of 'none-NCT' friends, so why would I discuss them with the husband of an NCT mate?

Now - if you're talking a regular park meet up when the kids are older, fine, everyone's welcome. But support in the early days post birth? No - I wouldn't want a man in the group.

GraysAnalogy · 09/04/2016 01:02

No gingham you're drip feeding and/or expanding the truth because you weren't vindicated. Nowhere in your initial posts does it say he was sexist.

HoundoftheBaskervilles · 09/04/2016 01:03

I think you're being massively U, you still haven't said why you think he's a twat, you've said why his wife has said he's a twat, he's obviously contributing in quite a significant way if he's taking over parental leave which is considerably more than most men do.

Maybe give him a chance, get to know him as an individual?

And yes, attitudes like these make it bloody hard for men to break into SAHP roles.

I had a group of women I fell into who had all given birth at the same time, it was all mothers at first for obvious reasons but as the months went on there were often fathers as well which no-one batted an eyelid at. They have experiences as new parents too.

As an aside, it doesn't do to be too cliquey, the fall-outs and the arguments in that group were horrendous (including an MN outing under a different name and massive amounts of fucking drama), I have precisely fuck-all to do with any of them now.

GraysAnalogy · 09/04/2016 01:04

furious are you forgetting these NCT groups are for parents. Not just mums. Parents.

getyourfingeroutyournose · 09/04/2016 01:04

Grays OP already mentioned that he's a "twat" due to his sexist ways that even his own wife complains about on a regular basis (how I read it at least)

Oswin · 09/04/2016 01:04

I'm not sure what other people's problems are. It's not a baby group it's a group of mates meeting up and it's weird to swap one parent for the other.
Now it would be fine of her to ask if he could accompany you to baby groups so he doesn't feel so alone at first. That's totally different.

Original poster
ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 01:04

Furious thanks, glad some people have read the posts properly. This is exactly what we discuss, totally fine with meeting him in a broader context, meeting up in the park for dc to play etc

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 09/04/2016 01:05

Its funny how we as a society complain about men not accepting the SAHP role, but when wants to an actively engages in a charity set up to support parents he's lambasted.

OrangesandLemonsNow · 09/04/2016 01:06

I agree Grays

CandyFlossBrain · 09/04/2016 01:06

So basically you have all been gossiping about him behind his back

I can't imagine why a group of new mothers would have cause to talk about a man who visited a meeting with his partner and behaved in a twattish/misogynist manner...

OP - I don't know if you're an established member of MN or not, if you're not just a warning - AIBU is very notorious these days for ripping into any woman who mentions any man in a bad light. Your best bet is to ask for this thread to be deleted, and post again in the Being A Parent section. Or try the Other Parenting Forum. They're fond of their sparkly emojis, but they don't have the well-earned nickname 'Nest of Vipers' either...

GraysAnalogy · 09/04/2016 01:07

Grays OP already mentioned that he's a "twat" due to his sexist ways that even his own wife complains about on a regular basis
Doesn't say that in the OP does it? Funny how this so called 'sexist twat' is evidently the primary carer and wanting to engage in parenting groups, facilitated by his wife, but then another post says he's sexist.

Original poster
ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 01:08

Grays you are utterly missing the point. It's not anything to do with his parenting or him being a dad. He's a sexist idiot. I wouldn't want to hang out with him in any situation really let alone a small meeting of friends. If you were going out for a wine with a few mates to chat about shagging would you want one of your mates sexist husbands coming along in her place?

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 09/04/2016 01:09

AIBU is very notorious these days for ripping into any woman who mentions any man in a bad light
Don't talk crap!

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