to not want him there

[ginghamknickers]

I am part of an Nct group who meet approx every two weeks. Our dc are all around 4 months old and most of us are still breastfeeding undecided if we ever want to have sex again dealing with body issues etc which we like to discuss. One of the girls is going back to work and her husband is taking over her parental leave. She's asked if he can come to the meetings instead of her. No one has said no but I know a few of the girls don't like him me included and to be honest he's just a bit of a twat. A well meaning twat, but still a twat. I don't really want to go if he's there, it feels like someone has invaded our safe place. He's been once with her and I couldn't wait for him to leave. I will most probably avoid the meetings if he ends up going all the time which is a shame as they are a nice bunch but it's just not the same. AIBU to not want him there and think she's a bit cheeky for asking for him to join and should I/can I say anything?

I think the compromise here is to invite him to some outings but feel free to have meetings which are friends only.

Is he a "twat" (or now "misogynist") because he has different opinions to you, gingham?

Just wondering.

YANBU.

In our NCT group there was a dad who I just disliked immediately. I cannot explain it. It was an instant revulsion. I've never had such a visceral reaction to another human before. It was so weird.

It's your group and if you don't want him there just say you want it to be mums only. It's awkward & you will prob lose a friend over it.

Unfortunately what might happen is that he does turn up, others in the group don't like him (you've already said that a few people don't like him) and start avoiding going to the meet-ups. Friends will make arrangements between themselves and this will result in this man's wife not getting the friendship/support that she might want or need.

A shame for her, when it could all be avoided by saying very simply upfront that you'd prefer the group to stay as it is now.

Nct national childbirth trust

I wouldn't want anyone there who hadn't experienced childbirth.

I'm astounded by the lack of respect for women's spaces on this thread.

lightbulbon nct antenatal classes (I think how the op met her friends) are SPECIFICALLY for couples. They are not women's spaces.

Yanbu at all, this is not a proper organised NCT group, but a bunch of friends meeting up regularly, and he's not your friend. I would never ask dh to do this, nor will I expect him to want to go, but odd if he wants to. Once your friend goes back to work, meet up and don't let him know.

Keep in contact with your friend, and meet up at weekends.

I'm intrigued as to why this woman would send her husband to hang out with a group of people's she's badmouthed him to repeatedly.

My antenatal group meet every month for dinner and our eldest DC are 7! Still call it th antenatal group though. Don't understand the "misunderstanding" of you saying nct group.

museumum - but as I said upthread, some NCT classes are run so that not all of the classes are for couples. When I did mine, there were two or three out of our run of eight classes that were for the people actually giving birth only - i.e. the women! I agree with light - whether people want to call it sexism or not (and I don't consider it sexist myself), I would prefer to discuss a recent birthing experience with another person who has given birth. By default, they're going to be female!

To be honest you are being very unreasonable. I always found "most" NCT mums to be quite clickey and borderline childish and your post hasn't changed my opinion!

Does not sound clicky, they are a group of friends meeting up, this man is not their friend. I woukd feel the same, I was never an NCT member, especially their are discussing personal issues, in front of a stranger.

It sounds like it's a ladies only group, and tgat is fine. It is not an official NCT meeting. I would not like to discuss my fanjo rip and infection, or my c section scar, with a strange bloke present, sorry I would not. It is odd, that he would want to attend that group.

Yes you are, and sexist, and exclusionary. Not good.

I think you could have a lot of fun with him.

When he mansplains things, listen politely until he's finished, and then thank him sincerely for his penile wisdom and follow up with something like "as we were saying......". It's mean, but he will not want to come again.

I suppose my main question is whether if you didn't like one of the women from your NCT group, you'd ask her to stop coming to meet-ups.

I'm very thankful that the women from my NCT group invited DH along to their weekly meet-ups when I went back to work. It made a huge difference to him, and helped me maintain contact with the group as I didn't inadvertently drop off email lists etc (and I managed time off occasionally to go along too).

Yabu. It's a parenting group, not a mother's group. There are many groups available to mums and next to nothing for dads.
If one of the mums was, in your opinion, a bit of a twat, would you exclude her?

Its, most NCT groups I'm aware of (including my own) establish regular meet ups after the babies are born for the mothers who've just given birth, inviting all the women who attended (ie not a separate 'friendship group' for those from the course who hit it off).

From what OP has written I thought that was the rough basis on which her group operated, and it's a reasonable question. If OP didn't like one of the women who'd been on the course and subsequently invited to the meet ups, would she seek to exclude her. It's a clue to whether OP's stance is sexist or not.

OP, correct me if I'm wrong and the meet ups don't automatically include all the women who were on the course and are instead a self-selected subset of the group.

As I said - my group were certainly very welcoming to DH after I went back to work and were a great source of friendship and support to him. I guess I'm lucky that they are incredibly nice, friendly, funny and reasonably mature and confident women.

Five years on our group has a core element - maybe 4 of the original 7 couples - but we don't exclude the other 3 women or couples on the basis that some of us are closer.

Only on fucking Mumsnet!!

Real life friend: 'Arrgh it's so annoying, you know my group of mates I met at NCT? Well one's going back to work and her husband - who's a twat - is going to meet up with us instead!'
Real life friends: 'Oh FFS how annoying, I'd hate that'

Mumsnet: OP as above
Mumsnetters: 'How cliquey' 'How sexist' 'What KIND of twat is he ' 'Maybe he can learn from you all and make new friends' 'Of course you should include this man you barely know or like into your friendship group' 'How exclusionary' 'How mean spirited' 'You sound awful' 'Ugh I wouldn't want to be part of your clique'

OP YANBU

The way I see it, we need more men to take parental leave if we are ever to see equality in the workplace. Dads taking leave need as much peer support as women and it is scarce. Give him a chance!

That said, I don't know many men who enjoy the typical conversation subjects of a group of NCT friends. He may not want to spend time with you either!

You're meeting up as friends so YANBU to not want him there. He is not your friend. Arrange meetings and don't invite or include him. It's not a big deal.

No OP YANBU
My NCT friends were my lifeline I just wouldn't feel that comfortable with a person I didn't like there

Can you break away and make a new group?