to not want him there

[ginghamknickers]

I am part of an Nct group who meet approx every two weeks. Our dc are all around 4 months old and most of us are still breastfeeding undecided if we ever want to have sex again dealing with body issues etc which we like to discuss. One of the girls is going back to work and her husband is taking over her parental leave. She's asked if he can come to the meetings instead of her. No one has said no but I know a few of the girls don't like him me included and to be honest he's just a bit of a twat. A well meaning twat, but still a twat. I don't really want to go if he's there, it feels like someone has invaded our safe place. He's been once with her and I couldn't wait for him to leave. I will most probably avoid the meetings if he ends up going all the time which is a shame as they are a nice bunch but it's just not the same. AIBU to not want him there and think she's a bit cheeky for asking for him to join and should I/can I say anything?

Why so you need a safe place op? Whats the story with your husband?

I think yanbu. No one should have to hang out with someone they don't like. However, it is a tricky situation and you might have to vote with your feet i.e. Try it but if he really grates on you, then just don't go anymore. It's a shame for you but things do change as baby grows and you'll find new activities, with or without NCT friends.
Sorry that you're getting such a hard time on here.

Yanbu.
Can you just not tell him when the next meet up is.

As a person you have every right to spent time with the people who you like.

There are lots of times men meet up with their mates and talk about what they want.

If he was a genuinely decent guy then that would be a different matter.
It's not your job to tolerate him.

Alternatively arrange to meet the others in the group but don't tell him.

Hi Gingham. YANBU. I feel I am one of the few people who completely gets where you are coming from.

You are in a group of friends and one person wants a new person to join. Someone most of you don't like. It would really spoil the lovely, friendly, supportive group you are lucky enough to have become part of. Worth it's weight in gold.

I really think you should check with the others, just to make sure it is most of you and then diplomatically just tell the woman in question that you are sorry but you don't want her husband to come along to the meetings. You don't have to say you think he is an idiot. Surely anyone would understand that a new member would change the dynamic and that it is fair enough if the present group don't want that. It would be worth one short, possibly awkward conversation to protect your group.

It is not your job to look after an idiot. He is perfectly capable of joining other groups and seeing if he gels with anyone in those. If he is a real twat, it may take him sometime but that's his lookout.

Please let us know how it turns out.

Thanks seacabbage

I'm wth sea cabbage on this. You can just sub in your DH into your group of friends! Totally changed the dynamic.

He can join babyt yoga classes, baby singing classes, baby whatever classes. He can't come along to an established group of friends and change the dynamic.

YANBU. As others have said, they are now really a group of friends not a formal support group.

I would suggest inviting him along to one or two meetups - perhaps ones where you all do something active with your babies so you don't really need to talk to him but he still has a group of people he can get out of the house with. I think that is probably the kind thing to do, and will be appreciated by your friend. However I would not feel at all guilty about arranging other meetups that don't include him.

In what context do you mean "safe place"?

To me safe place means that you feel comfortable enough to divulge personal information.

We all have friends.
We all have friends who know own inner most secrets.

This man is not part of the ops group.

She also finds him to be a twat and that is her perogative.

I think, if your DC are only 4 months and you all met at NCT, it's fair enough to assume this is still basically a parenting group. Most NCT groups keep meeting for a while after the course ends; it really doesn't mean you're lifelong friends. While people are on parental leave, and you're meeting up with DC, it's meanspirited to exclude any primary caregiver (and their kids). This is the kind of shit that makes SAHDs feel completely isolated.

I think you're being unfair, and YABextraU for trying to justify a personal dislike by playing up the Mumsnet hot issues. Invading your safe space? The guy goes from 'well-meaning twat' to 'misogynist' when people don't universally agree with you?

What Babooshka said.

Yeah - do the poor sod a favour, i'd not want to come to your clique either!

A boy in DS1's class (they're Y5, so 10 years old) has just started at his school in January. This boy isn't DS1's cup of tea and they just don't seem to gel. DS1 had a couple of friends to sleep over a few weeks ago and asked if he 'had' to invite this boy he's not keen on. I said no, that his friendships were up to him, and that I don't expect him to be friends with people for my sake (this boys mum and I know each other). He has every right to choose his mates and who he's comfortable with. If this situation was your DC being shoved in a group with a DC they didn't get along with, I think the responses would be a little different. You should have to spend time with people you don't like, no matter your age (unless you work with them, then there's no getting around it).

Sorry didn't realise it was a 'mumsnet hot topic' as I said, first post in AIBU and dc is only 4 months so not been here long/don't spend all my free time on here.

A couple of us in the group had emcs that were quite traumatic and I suppose by safe place I mean that we talk freely about those issues amongst others and it's been quite therapeutic. I know I'll get the drip feeding and story changing shit again but just trying to be honest and answer questions. I don't really talk about it with other friends so feel the group has been slightly invaded. He's not the most understanding of chaps. Anyway, all opinions are taken on board. Again that's why I posted not here to rile people up.

We had this problem, my DH became the SAHP when DS was 8 months old, and I'd kept in touch with a few of the NCT mums. They never invited him along to anything they were doing, and their kids got to know each other and my DS was left out.
I even mentioned it to one of the mums, said my DH was struggling a bit with being at home, and could they maybe make a point of letting him know when they were going to go to soft play or the park or something. She had the cheek to say 'oh yes, it's hard for dads isn't it!' without realising that she was part of the reason why it's hard! I didn't expect him to be invited to any of their homes one on one, or to everything they were doing, but occasionally would have been nice.
I cut them all off eventually, we didn't end up having much in common and they pissed me off a lot with the lack of support for my situation. Maybe they viewed the group as friends and I saw it as more a support network. We had only recently moved and didn't know anyone really, so it was hard. Luckily we had a postnatal group as well who are much more welcoming and he sees them about once a week, so it's all worked out ok.

YABU OP, give him a chance at least, and meet up with your female friends as well, at different times. If you're going to soft play surely it won't be a big deal if there's a man there?

Of course not nightowl more than happy to have him in a soft play/park situation.

Thanks everyone, think I'm just going to see how it plays out. If I can't stand it I won't go but will give him a chance first.

Whilst yanbu to not want him at every event, I think it would be a nice gesture to invite him to an activity occasionally.

I know a couple of men who have taken parental leave and found it extremely hard and isolating. Not being spoken to at baby groups because of existing mum cliques. My DP was somewhat luckier fortunately.

How would you feel if you were thrust into parenting with no natural peers.

Plus it would be a nice thing to do for your friend. He may not do it for number 2 otherwise. Even once a few weeks could make all the difference to his isolation.

I thought the whole point of nct is that people go as couples and make friends with other couples? I didn't do nct and instead got my new mum support from friends from antenatal yoga and breastfeeding group. I am friends with three mums in one nct group because I knew one pre-pregnancy and the thing I envy about their group is that the dads are totally included too.
Is this unusual? Are most nct groups that stay in touch mums only?

This is a group of friends, not an activity. You can't just pitch up, it would change the dynamic. He can go to all sorts of groups, but turning up to a group of mums discussing being mums is wierd.

Is it possible that he seems a twat to you because his DP has been having a vent about all the bad bits at home, and not really discussing the good bits? I know a few women who seem to have nothing nice to say about their DPs, even though its not really a true reflection on their relationship or their feelings about them... they are just venting...

Of course, if this isn't the case I see no reason why you should spend time with people you don't like... though you may be risking the friendship with the woman and that may be worth some consideration?