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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want him there

222 replies

ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 00:05

I am part of an Nct group who meet approx every two weeks. Our dc are all around 4 months old and most of us are still breastfeeding undecided if we ever want to have sex again dealing with body issues etc which we like to discuss. One of the girls is going back to work and her husband is taking over her parental leave. She's asked if he can come to the meetings instead of her. No one has said no but I know a few of the girls don't like him me included and to be honest he's just a bit of a twat. A well meaning twat, but still a twat. I don't really want to go if he's there, it feels like someone has invaded our safe place. He's been once with her and I couldn't wait for him to leave. I will most probably avoid the meetings if he ends up going all the time which is a shame as they are a nice bunch but it's just not the same. AIBU to not want him there and think she's a bit cheeky for asking for him to join and should I/can I say anything?

OP posts:
Original poster
ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 10:04

Not really sure where people have got that I don't want him there because he's a man. It's an established friendship group and a few of us don't really like him (as a person not as a man). I mentioned what we talk about for context so people could form better opinions.

We are not her only group of friends with babies. She also goes to many classes which she could get him involved with.

I am back at work and my dh has my child** 50 50 He wouldn't want to touch this group with a barge pole. He isn't friends with the rest of the girls and would want to make his own friends.

Adoptive parent, male parents etc are welcome IF THEY ARE NICE PEOPLE and we have developed a relationship with them.

He has taken over in the past couple of days and wanted to because he thinks "sitting at home with the baby will be a nice break from work"

I just don't like him. AS A PERSON NOT A MAN.
*

OP posts:
Original poster
ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 10:13

Whoops didn't mean for so much bold. Stupid phone. Grin

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 09/04/2016 10:16

I'm not sure why you're getting a K King in this thread. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You like your female friend. You don't like her sexist jerk of a husband.

Since if he come you won't go. I'd try to stop it happening. Say something like "Hey, Katie, I've been thinking about what you asked about Bob coming instead of you and I think it would change the dynamic for me. I wouldn't mind meeting up with him at soft play as he's finding his feet as a SAHD but I wouldn't feel comfortable adding him to the group."

I bet a lot of the others feel the same way and will be relieved that you spoke up.

In life I try to avoid sexist jerks as much as possible. It's not cliquey to do this! Smile

RhiWrites · 09/04/2016 10:16

*kicking

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 09/04/2016 10:18

YANBU. You're meeting friends that you happened to meet at NCT. He isn't your friend, his DW is.

These things always piss me off. I used to meet a group of Uni friends for drinks and dancing till one used to keep bringing her boyfriend along. She was our friend, not him. Nor could we reminisce about daft things we'd done because she didn't want him to know. Everything fell apart after that.

ValancyJane · 09/04/2016 10:23

I was going to say YABU as one of my NCT groups husbands will be doing some parental leave and I'm pretty sure we'd invite him on our many expeditions to get cake. BUT he's a nice guy, if he wasn't I don't imagine we'd be happy including him. It's a tough one!

sleeponeday · 09/04/2016 10:24

YA obviously NBU OP to not want someone's unpleasant husband to come out with you and your friends whilst you talk about personal stuff.

But this being AIBU you will often get some odd replies based on how the first few replies go.

This. AIBU is seaweed, a lot of the time: it flows with the tide.

It's plainly nonsense to suggest that disliking an individual man is sexist. Or that all men on paternity leave deserve special treatment not afforded to equally difficult and abrasive women. And apparently most people posting feel strongly that you should give someone the benefit of the doubt, and a chance, and that anything else is appalling behaviour... unless that person is posting an OP on AIBU. Confused

Iwantagoonthetrampoline · 09/04/2016 10:49

OP your early posts very much imply that you do not want him there because he is as a man more than because you dislike him as a person. Backtracking somewhat.

Hadron21 · 09/04/2016 10:58

I'm totally in agreement with you. I wouldn't want him there either. I'd do what someone up thread suggested and say that it changes the dynamic of the group.
Five years on and I'm still friends with my nct group. The mums are my friends we get together often (they were my lifeline in the first few months) and we have whole family get togethers a couple of times a year.
Time off with your baby is important so make it enjoyable!

BabySocks · 09/04/2016 11:24

I would also like to add I completely understood your OP and where you are coming from. I also don't think elaborating when asked that he can be sexist is changing your story. I think a lot of the responses were from people who have no comprehension of the situation which surely makes it difficult to say whether YABU.

Imo YANBU, however I do think it would be a little bit mean to say he can't come and the idea of perhaps going to soft play, the park etc as a group is a good one. Hopefully either he will adapt to you guys or decide not to come as much as your personalities don't suit. Things change rapidly as the children get older and the group dynamics will as well, plus the ability to properly chat goes down as the children get more demanding!! Also seeing someone be a good dad helps me get past the other, more irritating, aspects of their personality :)

Finally you are probably at the age soon where you can add in evening meals with just the mums, a chance to properly chat and have a glass of wine - 3.5 years in we meet up in the day with a random selection of parents and children but the evenings are always mummies only.

daydreamnation · 09/04/2016 11:46

I hated nct. I'm probably typically 'middle class' but jeez, I couldn't wait to escape it. Did the free hospital classes in the end, loved the diverse mix of people and made some great short term friends and one life long one. Poor guy, talk about double standards, imagine a stay at home mum being excluded from a regular opportunity to escape for a few hours and get together with other parents and babies.

Runningupthathill82 · 09/04/2016 12:03

I went back to work when DS was four months old, and my DH was the SAHD. He tried to do various groups, ranging from music sessions to woodland crafts, but ended up stopping all but one, because the cliquey women he encountered were rude and stand-offish...apparently for no other reason than the fact he doesn't have a vagina.

Reading your posts, OP, I feel sorry for this bloke and also understand why my DP had the experience he did. All this talk of your friend's DH "changing the dynamic" and ruining your "safe space" before you've even given him a proper chance to become part of the group.

It's sexism, pure and simple.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 09/04/2016 12:09

"safe space" in this context is the wankiest thing I think I've read on mumsnet all week, and that's saying something.

Sorry about your DH running, I absolutely gate cliquey bitches groups of women and it's women like that who make some parents feel as your husband die and unable to get out and socialise with other parents and babies. It's awful really, as getting out and about is not only excellent for babies development, I think it's absolutely essential for parents wellbeing. I know for a fact I'd not cope well with being at home with the baby all day every day, I'd go slowly mad.

For what's it's worth I'd have loved to have seen your DH and other dad's at the groups we go to. I am friends with two dad's at our group and it's them thst I am another woman go for coffees with after, not the so called yummy mummies!

Kidnapped · 09/04/2016 12:09

It's sexist not to want a sexist twat barging uninvited into your group of friends?

Okay.

MrsBlimey · 09/04/2016 12:11

OP unless I misunderstand your earlier posts, you've only met him once, briefly, and thus it seems that your impression of him is based on what someone else has told you and/or He Is A Man and simply because of that you don't want to share 'birthing stories' with him. So yes, not only are YBvvU but also rather mean, I'm afraid.

I wonder what the other members of your cliquey little gang group think of him. And of you, come to think of it.

You come across in your posts as a playground Queen Bee who is used to stamping her pretty little foot and ensuring that her 'friends' don't talk to anyone that the QB doesn't approve of.

I hope your children don't end up as narrow-minded as you.

Runningupthathill82 · 09/04/2016 12:12

Thanks, Whatthefreakin - I wish my DH had met more women like you!

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 09/04/2016 12:16

The OPs friends SH shpuld come hang out with us. No endless talk of birthing and vag here, just everyday normal chit chat. Sometimes we even meet without the kids! Shock

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 09/04/2016 12:16

DH even!

coconutpie · 09/04/2016 12:20

YANBU. The group is a group of friends. You don't just invite your DH along to take your place amongst a group of friends. You should talk to the other women and see what they feel. Then if you all prefer him not to come, tell your friend that you are not comfortable with somebody else joining the group as you find it uncomfortable discussing womanly issues with a male present.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 09/04/2016 12:22

This thread drips more than my kitchen tap.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 09/04/2016 12:24

I understand. This is entirely separate from NCT, you just happened to meet at NCT. I think it's weird and I would be a bit miffed so yanbu. I think you either have to say something or just start having meet ups without him.

coconutpie · 09/04/2016 12:30

Or I would just say "this is a group of friends meeting up and we don't know your DH so it would be a bit awkward if he was to come along and take your place".

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 09/04/2016 13:06

*Running
*
That's a shame for your dh but were you really surprised that was the reaction he got? Women want to talk about what they are going through. Would you open up about your piles, sore nips and lack of libido infront of your BIL or next door neighbour? No, you wouldn't because they couldn't possibly understand or relate. It isn't sexism, it's having a group member who isn't going through the same thing so can't possibly join in.

I remember a previous thread about a woman who was going back to work and wanted her au-pair to take her place. Do you think that was ok? Again, it's not as she can't possibly relate.

The only exception to this is if the dad wants to join in at the same music/activity classes as there is going to be much less adult conversation at this type of activity.

FlowersAndShit · 09/04/2016 13:41

I'm sure he's not interested in your breasts and fanny woes OP Hmm

Original poster
ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 13:43

Laughing at all the people who have spectacularly ignored most of what I've said.

No mrsblimey I've met him way more than once. I'm also not stopping him in the slightest from meeting up with any of the other friends/baby groups his dw has been to.

I think it's probably more of a case of we already know him so would 'put up with him' is why she's asked. Which is annoying as I'd rather not 'put up with him'

And thanks to the pp who thinks I'm 'stamping my pretty little foot' I'm not pretty but thanks for assumptions.

I haven't said a word to anyone about this guy so as it stands he is oblivious to my feelings.

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