to not want him there

[ginghamknickers]

I am part of an Nct group who meet approx every two weeks. Our dc are all around 4 months old and most of us are still breastfeeding undecided if we ever want to have sex again dealing with body issues etc which we like to discuss. One of the girls is going back to work and her husband is taking over her parental leave. She's asked if he can come to the meetings instead of her. No one has said no but I know a few of the girls don't like him me included and to be honest he's just a bit of a twat. A well meaning twat, but still a twat. I don't really want to go if he's there, it feels like someone has invaded our safe place. He's been once with her and I couldn't wait for him to leave. I will most probably avoid the meetings if he ends up going all the time which is a shame as they are a nice bunch but it's just not the same. AIBU to not want him there and think she's a bit cheeky for asking for him to join and should I/can I say anything?

Candyfloss they can rip into me all they like, I like a good discussion. He's only just taking over the role and I think he will have a very rude awakening. Irrelevant though to how I view him as a human being.

gingham No I'm not, I've read your posts and I've seen you manipulate your consequent posts to suit. Him being a sexist is something you'd mention initially, if he was one. You were quick to call him 'well meaning twat', but didn't see fit to mention examples of this sexism. Only when proposed with YABU did you mention it.

YANBU, you don't have to accommodate someone you don't like in a private friendship group. I wouldn't want to hang out with someone I found to be a sexist twat either.

Oh stop talking shite CandyFloss. Aibu is where people get the most reaction and I'm betting the op knew that.

AIBU is very notorious these days for ripping into any woman who mentions any man in a bad light

Absolute twaddle.

I don't understand. Is the problem:
a) that he's a man and can't relate to birth/pregnancy/female stuff?
b) that he hasn't been part of the group from the outset and you've all bonded meantime?
c) that he's a twat?

If a woman who had been there from the beginning was a twat, would that be OK then? How would you feel about including the lesbian partner of a woman going back to work? What about a woman with a baby the same age who had just moved into the area?

I think you could at least give him a chance. If he's only just become the primary carer, I should think he could do with some support.

Why did you start the thread OP? Obviously you have your mind made up

I have a small group of female friends I meet up with often we talk about personal crap some of it is of a intimate or medical nature.

I'm going to be quite busy over the next few months so shall send my brother (as I no longer have a husband) along in my place and I'm sure everybody will be perfectly happy with that

I just wanted opinions, it's not going to keep my awake at night.

Someone asked me why he was a twat. He's not a downright nasty person hence the well meaning. Just says sexist stuff and has sexist opinions about certain things. You can be sexist about things other than parenting.

He is also not someone that I would go out of my way to be friends with. If you want to miss the point and turn this into a discussion about sahd's go ahead.

There are plenty sexist men in the world. They do exist.
My guess is he is thinking that he's funny when he says these things and has no thought for why it is important that he helps around the house because his dad never did.
Help the bloke see sense is my view.

Let him come and pull him up strongly on EVERY sexist comment. He'll soon stop coming. I give him 3 weeks tops.

Not particularly bothered about people joining at a later stage if they're not a dick head.

AIBU is very notorious these days for ripping into any woman who mentions any man in a bad light

Yeah, because men are always treated with the utter deference they deserve on MN.

Do you have any examples of his sexist twattishness OP? Because I would say his willingness to take his share of parental leave and join a group of women for parental support would suggest anything but.

Think I'll do that mattdillon and getyourfinger thanks everyone for your opinions.

Grays - no, not forgetting a thing. And I've also read and understood the OP correctly, hence I'm aware that this isn't an NCT class, rather mums who met at an NCT class who have continued to meet up. But thanks for calling my comprehension skills into question

FWIW, when I did NCT, whilst the majority of the classes welcomed both parents, some of them were actually women only (2 out of the 8 week block, maybe?).

furious I replied on the basis of this I am part of an Nct group who meet approx every two weeks, I do apologise that I did not read the dripfeed that later said they meet up outside of the given NCT environment.

FWIW, when I did NCT, whilst the majority of the classes welcomed both parents, some of them were actually women only
Well it's not relevant is it, in this one a man decided to engage. His female partner asked if her male partner could attend the outside groups (obviously he attended the NCT organised ones) and no-one said no. But now the OP isn't happy. Called him a 'well meaning twat' which quickly changed to a sexist when not agreed with.

Didn't change grays someone asked me why I didn't like him. That is the reason. He's still a well meaning twat. Really not bothered if people don't agree with me. Just wanted opinions. I'm open to everyone's opinion. That's why I posted. Funnily enough.

I think it's pretty integral to your OP tbh gingham.

I'm glad youre not bothered, otherwise AIBU wouldn't be the best place to post if you wanted all agreeing posts :)

I should have put it in the op. This is my first AIBU. Baptism of fire :) genuinely thankful for everyone who posted. Now off to bed.

Night OP

Grays - my comment was more than relevant to your ascertion that these NCT groups are for parents. Not just mums. Parents. The NCT clearly run their classes to include some women only environments - one would assume with the express purpose of avoiding the additional embarrassment talking about wetting oneself or bleeding profusely or leaking breasts etc may cause a woman to feel, were her husband/partner and his mates in the room. It sounds like this is also what the OP is trying to avoid.

Again, you appear to be struggling to understand a very simple concept - or perhaps you're being deliberately obtuse? Either way, I'm not going to engage further with your inane attempts to discredit the OP. Who made you the thread police? She's a new poster - big deal if she committed the apparently cardinal sin of dripfeeding...!

OP - I wish you luck with your group. Fingers crossed annoying dad is put off quickly!

The NCT clearly run their classes to include some women only environments
Well no, that's not true for this case is it? The fact he was allowed to attend is a big sign. The fact NCT is for parents not mums is another. Or should a parenting charity only accept those who can talk about bleeding and leaking nips?

There's no simple concept to understand. A dad attended a parent group with his wife. Then after drip feed we find out the once official group met outside of group. Woman asks if husband can attend. No-one said negative. Man attends.

OP, I totally understand where you are coming from. It's well documented that in a mixed group women are far more likely to modify their topics of conversation. This obviously isn't a good thing for the women in your group who feel that this is a space where they can talk about the grosser parts of motherhood. And if he's proven himself in the past to hold sexist views then that compounds the issue, however.....

..you have to balance this against the wider issue of the drive for equal parenting and therefore it's morally right to welcome men into these groups. What's more make a point not to modify your topics of conversation and he may be in for quite an education! Who knows you may end up friends

I think the OP's post is the dangerously sexist viewpoint rather than the supposedly 'twattish father'. There are increasingly vociferous calls for men to take a more active parenting role (which has to be right ) and yet this kind of post demands that the experience of giving birth is is so exclusive that only real mothers are allowed to be part of the gang. What about adoptive mothers? Or should they also be excluded?
I am going to bookmark this post as an example of restrictive attitudes to parents displayed by women who think that only certain types of parents can be in there gang.
Well done for making so many eloquent points Gray. I agree with everything you have said.

Not getting why people are huffing at the OP for drip feeding because she said 'NCT group'. Plenty of people use 'NCT group' to mean 'group who first met at NCT antenatal classes and stayed in touch after babies were born'. Fine if you didn't understand what she meant, but it's not like she was changing the story.