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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want him there

222 replies

ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 00:05

I am part of an Nct group who meet approx every two weeks. Our dc are all around 4 months old and most of us are still breastfeeding undecided if we ever want to have sex again dealing with body issues etc which we like to discuss. One of the girls is going back to work and her husband is taking over her parental leave. She's asked if he can come to the meetings instead of her. No one has said no but I know a few of the girls don't like him me included and to be honest he's just a bit of a twat. A well meaning twat, but still a twat. I don't really want to go if he's there, it feels like someone has invaded our safe place. He's been once with her and I couldn't wait for him to leave. I will most probably avoid the meetings if he ends up going all the time which is a shame as they are a nice bunch but it's just not the same. AIBU to not want him there and think she's a bit cheeky for asking for him to join and should I/can I say anything?

OP posts:
UpsiLondoes · 09/04/2016 06:15

I can't see a sexist twat staying home with a baby while his wife become the main breadwinner. I suspect you think he's a twat because of the crap his wife moans about him to you.

In my opinion, it's the wife who is the twat for bitching about her DH to her friends and subsequently asking same friends, oh do you mind if he joins you now and expecting the friends to be welcoming.

Just repeat a few things she's said about him to his face. I doubt he'll want to join your "friendship" group.

puglife15 · 09/04/2016 06:26

I'm not sure if YANBU but why not change your meet up to one that's a bit more activity based (baby sensory or rhyme time) and invite him to that, then still meet up informally for more personal chats with the other mums?

Tbh give it another month or two and I'll imagine you'll be extremely bored of talking about third degree tears and nipple trauma anyway.

Being a man on parental leave / a SAHD can be extremely isolating - women often tend to avoid chatting or striking up friendships with men looking after babies I've noticed, maybe for some of the same reasons you've mentioned here.

I would give him a chance and in this context you might even find he's quite a different person...

mrsmuddlepies · 09/04/2016 06:34

Still wondering about parents who adopt? Should they also be excluded?

PageStillNotFound404 · 09/04/2016 06:58

I think some people are going out of their way to be obtuse and pedantic OP.

You met a few women through NCT, you became friends, you've continued to meet regularly. Now one of the other women wants to "swap out" her place to her DH, who you've all met and who most of you aren't that keen on. YANBU to not want him taking her place in your catchups - he's not her, you don't have the same relationship with him as you do with her, and as it stands you don't like him much.

However his wife obviously thinks of it as less "friendship group" and more "parenting support group", and some PPs make valid points about new dads needing support too, so I think the suggestion puglife makes about having some baby-activity-focused meetings that he can come to and some informal chats (maybe at a time his wife can still attend, if possible?) where you feel more comfortable taking about the personal, body-related stuff is a good one.

whattodowiththepoo · 09/04/2016 07:18

YABU, if you don't like it don't go.

WellErrr · 09/04/2016 07:29

YA obviously NBU OP to not want someone's unpleasant husband to come out with you and your friends whilst you talk about personal stuff.

But this being AIBU you will often get some odd replies based on how the first few replies go.

Marmalade85 · 09/04/2016 07:30

YABU to not realise that he will go a couple of times, die of boredom and never return again

Choughed · 09/04/2016 07:34

Look, just give him a chance. My DH was SAHD to my daughter from 5 mo and he was really nervous about going to baby groups. Some women were really unwelcoming and one complained about him (just because he was not female) to the group organiser.

But he also met a great group of women whom he got wonderful support from through all the usual baby issues. My DD had the chance to interact with their children (exclude him - exclude his baby) and the other babies (and eventually toddlers) really responded to him. I don't think it's controversial to say that young childhood is overly feminised in this country and too many babies and young children don't have meaningful interactions with men.

The women did talk about cracked nipples and mastitis and stitches and he either listened sympathetically or, if it got too graphic, suddenly had to make a phone call from the other side of the room Grin

Anyway, if the best way to support your friend and her baby on her return to work is to welcome her DH, I would do it in a heartbeat.

curren · 09/04/2016 07:38

So you have met him once or maybe met him loads of times. Still not sure

You don't like him and happy to exclude the baby from the group because of what she says about him.

I am assuming the mother wants him to go for the benefit of the baby. She thinks it will benefit her child.

Tbh I don't think it matters. Over the next few months more mothers will return to work and the group will become smaller or stop.

Also I can't imagine he really wants to be there if it's how as you describe. Bet he only goes a couple of times. Or you may discover he isn't the twat you think he is.

Remeber though, groups that are quite cliquey have a habit of turning on itself. So just be wary that while you are happy to exclude him, you could find yourself in the receiving end of it too.

lasttimeround · 09/04/2016 07:52

Poor man. I'm not sure what we expect dad's to do with their parental leave if mums groups don't want them around

esiotrot2015 · 09/04/2016 08:13

Op I agree with you
I'd suggest to his wife he join the official nct group as you're little group has moved away to a girls friendship group
Or could you move the group to the evening so she can join in and have q weekly glass of wine sans babies?

esiotrot2015 · 09/04/2016 08:18

lasttimeroumd join official groups not breakaway friendship groups ?

There's tons of groups with loads of people , toys , activities etc in village halls , community / children's centres etc
This is round someone's house surely it's a different scenario
Some comments on this thread are bizarre

Muskateersmummy · 09/04/2016 08:24

If this was me, I would have some daytime meet ups with the kids and discuss all the parenting stuff. Then meet with the girls (including his wife) for dinner/wine to discuss the other stuff that your not comfortable discussing in front of him. A few of the daytime meets and he may decide it's not for him. I think she's just trying to help him find his feet and have some support as a sahd. There's probably not many of them that he can go and meet to discuss naps/weaning etc

curren · 09/04/2016 08:25

join official groups not breakaway friendship groups ?

This is going to put women, who know they are going back work, off joining things or making friends at these groups.

'What's the point when my baby will be excluded for having his father at home in a few months anyway.'

Twooter · 09/04/2016 08:27

I don't think Yabu. If I want to meet up with my friends, I want to meet up with them, not their representative. If it was your friends Mil brining the baby to the meet-ups I still wouldn't like it because they are not who you've chosen to be your friend.
Probably wouldn't say anything though - would just hope he'd get bored and stop coming.

badg3r · 09/04/2016 08:43

Can't you shift your big get together to a weekend sometimes to include original mum? Shame for her too if she suddenly never sees any of you. And then meet less regularly during the week?
She is probably just worried that her DH will be lonely being at home all day with their daughter. Can't you meet him a couple of times and point him in the direction of stay and play, music/swimming/baby cinema as a favour to your friend? I guess he will probably not feel super comfortable being pawned off to his wife's friends to look after him either so will probably appreciate the tips to help him set up his own paternity leave routine.

MrsBlimey · 09/04/2016 08:46

It would seem that the only "sexist" behaviour is that from those who think that as a bloke he ought not to be part of a friendship group. Plus, it's pretty bloody un-sisterly to exclude him as the primary carer if his presence means that his DW is able to go back to work.

Think this has already been mentioned but what about adoptive parents? Or 2x male parents? Are they not allowed to join your gang OP just because they can't talk about fanny tears in the same way???

Get a grip.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 09/04/2016 08:46

If your babies are 4 months old now, are you really still meeting up and talking about their births?! I'm struggling to imagine months worth of conversation about it tbh.

Imagine if it was you that was going back to work and the rest of your group were so unwelcoming of your DH, would that be ok with you or would you be upset?

Dad's are parents too and need to get out of the house as much as mums so I think it would be nice to let him come along and socialise.

eternalopt · 09/04/2016 08:46

Sorry but YABU. He's going to need support and help, and if he's taking over the mum role for a few months, doesn't seem that sexist! Why not give him a chance - you can always arrange to meet the mums separately at a different time if you do feel you want to discuss some other things you can't in front of him.

Junosmum · 09/04/2016 08:52

I get you- you meet your friends, who you happen to have met through nct, for coffee once a fortnight and now one of your friends can't make it anymore and wants to send her husband as a replacement. This will change the dynamic of your meetings as he's not actually your friend. A bit like when you were kids and your mum would ask you to let the daughter of her friend, who you didn't really know come to your party- it makes it weird. I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think it's odd she'd suggest it. He can obviously go to the organised baby groups, baby massage, baby and bumps, baby and toddler, baby sensory, baby yoga.

Why not as a compromise offer to meet him at a few of those groups so he can get to know people and form his own group of friends?

queenoftheboys · 09/04/2016 08:54

Oh the irony - you accuse him of being a sexist twat, yet you're the one who seems to think it's ok to exclude him based on his sex...

seaweed123 · 09/04/2016 09:03

I think this is a shame. It's so much harder for dads to form these close knit friendship groups during parental leave.

They tend to start leave later, there are less other men on leave, and a lot of groups aren't very welcoming to dads.

When DH took over the last bit of my maternity leave he found that aspect too awkward (despite making an effort with groups ), and ended up spending most of his time alone with DC.

For that reason, I would always try to be as welcoming to any dads as poss. So OP, I think you should give him another chance. Maybe he is a twat, and maybe he'll never even show and be as horrified by his wife's plan as you are. But maybe it will be fine?

Nanny0gg · 09/04/2016 09:06

I don't know why the OP is being lambasted for 'dripfeeding'.

Just like RL conversations, threads evolve when people ask questions, make comments, look for further information, which is then supplied.

If it's all put in the opening post (assuming the OP remembers everything the first time) it makes it very long, which is also complained about or people give up on - with or without paragraphs!

The OP has clarified some points, elaborated on others and given more information.

What is wrong with that?

Iwantagoonthetrampoline · 09/04/2016 09:56

Poor guy. This is why I was so disappointed with my NCT experience. We did it partly to meet new parents in the same boat and be part of a support network post birth (this is very much part of the marketing), and yes hopefully to make some new friends in the longer term. Only we found ourselves cut out of the clique very early on - I practically struggled to do some of the things the others wanted to plus did not fit into the same yummy mummy image. (Course was also mostly twaddle). Cut the guy some slack and make the effort to include and support him. Being a new mum on mat leave can be very isolating so a dad on extended paternity leave will be going through very similar experience. It won't be for long then everyone's work schedules will start getting it the way of these meet ups and then those of you can have separate women only friends get togethers without making him feel excluded. Also, I did not start going to baby activities/groups till about 12 weeks old and it was hard to muscle into fully fledged social groups, so I can imagine he may find this too. So many attitudes need to change to make it more socially acceptable for men who want to to take up shared paternity leave. Making them feel excluded from 'mum' and baby stuff does not help.

witsender · 09/04/2016 09:58

If this is a group of friends meeting who just happened to meet through NCT then you are not being unreasonable, he isn't just a substitute her.

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