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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not happy that SIL is pregnant at the same time as me

258 replies

Earlyday · 01/04/2016 21:57

I'm sure I'll be told I'm being unreasonable....but anyway...

I'm pregnant after several miscarriages. I've had a really horrible year - apart from the miscarriages. I'm feeling a bit depressed as it's been a lot to go through - and some things are ongoing.

I'm holding off on telling people I'm pregnant for now.

SIL has just announced she's pregnant - just a little bit further along than me.

I've never got on with her. I like my own space but she tries to hard to be best pals and it's not what I want. We are very different personalities. I don't mind meeting up now and then (not often) and being nice - but then I need to get away and have space.

Her and DB recently moved very close to me - initially they tried to move almost right next to my place. She has twice tried to get a job in the same place as me - even though we live in a big city and I can't understand why of all the places in this city she'd be trying to work in my place.

Just as I was starting to feel happy about this pregnancy she announces her pregnancy and I feel myself getting really depressed. I just have this vision of everyone seeing us as a pair now - because we are both at the same stage of pregnancy and our babies will be the same age.

I feel like I will end up having to spend loads of time with her when I'd prefer not to. I'm dreading it. I don't want to bump in to her at the hospital or at baby groups. I feel like I won't be able to enjoy this maternity leave as she'll be close by and expecting to meet up all the time.

DH says to look on the bright-side - our baby will have a cousin to grow up with. I appreciate that part - but I don't like the idea of SIL having to become a big part of my life.

I'm sure I sound horrible to be thinking like this - but I'm not looking forward to announcing in pregnant now - and everyone being delighted that me and SIL might end up in hospital at the same time giving birth Sad, I know SIL will probably start crying with joy when she hears I'm pregnant too - I'm not looking forward to that.

OP posts:
ProcrastinatorGeneral · 01/04/2016 21:59

You don't have to get involved. Regardless of what other people might expect, the only person you need to please is yourself.

Bearbehind · 01/04/2016 22:00

Are you really going to let her ruin the fact you're pregnant after several miscarriages Hmm

This should be a fabulous time- don't let anyone take that from you.

Alasalas2 · 01/04/2016 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrschatty · 01/04/2016 22:05

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers
Secondly your being VU
It sounds to me like this woman has never done anything to hurt you. In fact sounds like she just wants to be your friend...
Your pregnancy is separate from hers. It doesn't deter from your pregnancy or make it any less special just because she is pregnant at the same time. If you don't want to do baby groups with her just tell her that there not your thing and go anyway
I'm going to be a bit harsh here and...your probably over run with hormones so that's why you feel this way but... why on EARTH do you feel depressed? You and your dh are expected a much wanted baby. Your DB is about to become a dad too... why can't you be happy for them and happy for yourself too. Your not the only people in the world entitled to this happiness

Bottom line is get over it and either distance yourself from Sil or be happy for them maybe if you give her a chance you'll be friends...she clearly wants to be yours but if she could see how you grudge her happiness and trying to be nice and close to you I don't know why

Colchestergal · 01/04/2016 22:05

Sorry but you are unreasonable. Your poor SIL, she's pregnant with your neice or nephew. Be happy for her. You sound very mean and unkind.

parrotonmyshoulder · 01/04/2016 22:05

I don't think your SIL 'sounds like a loon' at all! Obviously you're anxious as well as excited, but from your OP it sounds like she's done nothing other than announce that she's pregnant. You are imagining things that haven't happened yet. You sound a bit irrational (and I'm not being unkind). It might be good to tell your midwife about your feelings.

hesterton · 01/04/2016 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MamaLazarou · 01/04/2016 22:07

I'm sorry for your losses Flowers

YABU, sweetheart. But you will get used to the idea.

Good luck.

SylviaWrath · 01/04/2016 22:07

If you don't want to spend time with her, don't. She probably wouldn't want to spend time with you if you told her that you really can't stand her and wish she wasn't pregnant, so why not tell her and then she will leave you alone?

TheBouquets · 01/04/2016 22:08

I have not been in the situation where any family member was pregnant at the same time as me. I have not had multiple miscarriages either. However I take absolute years to actually achieve conception. The least of my worries would be who was or was not pregnant at the same time.
I get a little idea that you really don't like SIL and that is everyone's choice who they like or dislike. What you cant dictate is when anyone becomes pregnant. It is not always easy and often a matter of having to accept what fate deals you.
Just get on with the pregnancy and concentrate on keeping well and not worrying about SIL having the audacity to be pregnant at the same time.

Salmotrutta · 01/04/2016 22:08

So basically you just don't like her?

I'm sorry you've had a hard year and several miscarriages - that's hard to cope with but from what you've posted it sounds like she has tried to be your friend but you just don't like her.

It doesn't sound like she has done anything bad or nasty to you so my advice would be to keep being polite and civil but just enjoy your own pregnancy.

SalemSaberhagen · 01/04/2016 22:09

Why does she sound like a 'loon' alas? Bit harsh.

ToastyMcToastface · 01/04/2016 22:10

My SIL was pregnant the same time as me twice (entirely accidental, we didn't discuss trying for babies!). It is and was absolutely fine. We did used to get some comparisons (from PIL) in the early days but we resolutely ignored them and they've died away. The wonderful thing is that the cousins are such good friends.
Just try and relax and don't stress about it - it is what it is and you can't change the timing now.

OTheHugeManatee · 01/04/2016 22:11

YABU and sound a bit mean tbh. So what if she's pregnant at the same time as you? What has she ever done to hurt you? She sounds as though she is just trying to be friendly in trying to get to know you, and it's not like she planned to steal your pregnancy thunder Hmm

EverySongbirdSays · 01/04/2016 22:11

Though I have every sympathy for your losses and mental health Flowers I do think you are being quite unreasonable here. She doesn't know you are pregnant and has not done this deliberately to steal your thunder. You admit she will be overjoyed for you - I think your outlook is rather unkind.
As to being 'best pals' any relationship can be as close or as distant as you choose it to be, you don't have to suddenly be joined at the hip.

As an aside though - don't disclose your first choice baby names. I've seen people lose their first choice to a friend or relative who gave birth first.

SisterMoonshine · 01/04/2016 22:12

Families eh?
On what you've said here, of course yabu.

AyeAmarok · 01/04/2016 22:12

I'm afraid you're being really unreasonable and quite unfair to your SIL who sounds like she's never done anything bad to you, except wanting to be friends with a family member.

Alasalas2 · 01/04/2016 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Earlyday · 01/04/2016 22:14

I just feel a bit suffocated by her as I want my space but she is always trying to move closer. I don't mind being civil and nice but I don't want to be best friends. My mother tries constantly to push me to be close to her and it gets on my nerves.

I'm sorry if I sounds insensitive about being pregnant - I know some people struggle to get pregnant. It's just one of my children has special needs so it's not a straight forward pregnancy - there's always the risk the next child will have the same problems - it takes the joy out of pregnancy. I'm more worried this time - not as care free as before.

OP posts:
WonderingAspie · 01/04/2016 22:14

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope it all goes well for you.

Sorry but YABVU. Your SIL sounds lovely. I wish I had a SIL who was interested. She is trying to be friendly and you keep blowing her off. I'd love to hear her AIBU as you sound quite mean tbh.

longdiling · 01/04/2016 22:14

Oh, I feel a bit sorry for your SIL to be honest. I mean, it's fine that you don't want to be her best friend; that's your choice as long as you're not unkind but I've been on the rejected side with my (thankfully now ex!) SIL and it hurt.

Perhaps try and take things one thing at a time? Right now your SIL doesn't know so treasure this bit of time with your DH if you can. You don't have to end up in the same hospital or going to the same baby groups so try not to let your mind run away with you worrying about that stuff.

Sunshine87 · 01/04/2016 22:14

SIL just wants to be your friend surely for the sake of your DH you would welcome that. Do you feel inferior to her? What relevance has your pregnancy have on hers and visa versa? Getting upset over the situation is extreme. You risk completely alienating your DP family. You haven't expressed any bad behaviour from your SIL just that you both different. I could sumpathise if she was awful to you.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 01/04/2016 22:15

Why is it mean to dislike somebody?

The OP has said her SIL has moved insanely close to her, has tried to find work in the same place, and is generally too intent on being a best pal. That sort of thing is just too much for some people. I know I'd have a flight response to that, and would dread going through six+ months of people assuming I want to pal up with somebody I dislike.

janethegirl2 · 01/04/2016 22:15

YANBU ignore your sil if you want. Your baby, your choice you decide who you associate with. In a large city, hopefully you don't need to meet too often if you don't want to.

Original poster
Earlyday · 01/04/2016 22:16

I don't think she has stolen my thunder - that's not the issue. I actually hate the limelight - there's nothing worse for me than being the centre of attention.

OP posts:
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