Not happy that SIL is pregnant at the same time as me

[Earlyday]

I'm sure I'll be told I'm being unreasonable....but anyway...

I'm pregnant after several miscarriages. I've had a really horrible year - apart from the miscarriages. I'm feeling a bit depressed as it's been a lot to go through - and some things are ongoing.

I'm holding off on telling people I'm pregnant for now.

SIL has just announced she's pregnant - just a little bit further along than me.

I've never got on with her. I like my own space but she tries to hard to be best pals and it's not what I want. We are very different personalities. I don't mind meeting up now and then (not often) and being nice - but then I need to get away and have space.

Her and DB recently moved very close to me - initially they tried to move almost right next to my place. She has twice tried to get a job in the same place as me - even though we live in a big city and I can't understand why of all the places in this city she'd be trying to work in my place.

Just as I was starting to feel happy about this pregnancy she announces her pregnancy and I feel myself getting really depressed. I just have this vision of everyone seeing us as a pair now - because we are both at the same stage of pregnancy and our babies will be the same age.

I feel like I will end up having to spend loads of time with her when I'd prefer not to. I'm dreading it. I don't want to bump in to her at the hospital or at baby groups. I feel like I won't be able to enjoy this maternity leave as she'll be close by and expecting to meet up all the time.

DH says to look on the bright-side - our baby will have a cousin to grow up with. I appreciate that part - but I don't like the idea of SIL having to become a big part of my life.

I'm sure I sound horrible to be thinking like this - but I'm not looking forward to announcing in pregnant now - and everyone being delighted that me and SIL might end up in hospital at the same time giving birth , I know SIL will probably start crying with joy when she hears I'm pregnant too - I'm not looking forward to that.

I haven't RTFT but when I was pg with my first, it was my MIL first grandchild and she was over the moon I was pg especially as she had just lost her mum and it kind of gave her something to look forward to. A few months before I gave birth she sold her house and moved down my street.

I was really worried, not because I didn't like her but because I wanted time with my baby and expected she'd always be popping in.

Couldn't be further from the truth. She drops things off and it's so easy for me to pop the DC to her house but tbh, she comes round here very rarely.

My SIL had a DD a year after mine and while again, I like her, we had never been close. Our DD's are great friends and we are friends too but not best mates. We never went to groups together and don't hang out together.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't assume to know what the future will bring. It may be different to what your imagining.

I get the worry you are going through. I worried through my pg with DS2 as DS1 has SN. DS2 is fine. No problems at all. I am pg with my 4th now and am much more relaxed.

Stop worrying and enjoy your pregnancy.

Also there is only a few months between my DS2 and my DSis's child. They love each other. I do spend time with my DSis but even we don't live in each other's pockets.

Not clicking with someone and not wanting to spend time with them does not make someone bitter, jealous, mean, rude or any of the other delightful names pp's have called the op.

Unless you are an introvert yourself you will never understand how exhausting it is being in the company of people you DO like, let alone being in forced company with people you are indifferent to. It's even more exhausting if they are constantly in your face.

I understand how op feels. My sil once considered moving near us and planned all sorts of stuff for us to do together😨😨😨😨😨. We are so very very different and I was so stressed at the thought, luckily nothing came of it and for various reasons dh and I are now NC with her and her dh.

My favourite cartoon on introvertism

www.trueactivist.com/how-to-interact-with-the-introverted-if-only-people-would-understand-this/

Maybe SIL really admires you. She and DH tried to move very close to your place. She has tried to get a job in the place where you work. It is a little close.... in a city where there are plenty of housing and job options that is close. She must think a lot of you to want to be more involved in your life. Some people, I think, crave a close family. Maybe her side of the family is more distant so she's trying to embrace her DH's side? If this is unbearable to you, say a year or two down the line, there is nothing to stop you moving away but before then I think you've got to just get on with it and be polite but keep your distance. She'll soon find her feet with the pregnancy and you will too.

Other then that she sounds ok and she's not yet picked up that you don't like her much. I would just try to focus on my family and be polite but distant. Maybe you'll find yourself warming to her one day though so don't completely push her away. You never know how things will pan out.

Also - agree with pp comments. Don't share baby names!! Keep them totally under wraps ;)

Look SIL has moved to a new area and is lonely. The best course of action imo is to find her some friends, that will give you space. Ideally she's a month ahead of you (which in tiny baby land is significant!) read up on all the stuff for babies together, tell her what you are thinking about signing up for. She does it earlier, makes new friends then actually you decide that pfb is too young for swimming etc anyway......

But yabu, probably you can get on with her in a more balanced situation. And you may well be glad of her later on

Have you always been like this? If you're the kind of person that keeps themselves to themselves, I can't understand why your mum is trying to push things. I don't actually think your SIL is in the wrong, she doesn't know you as well as your mum and brother, she's joined the family and is trying to bond. If it's stressing you why not ask your brother or mum to explain where you're coming from, if you feel you can't?

With the moving close to you, how do you know it was only her? Maybe your brother thought it was a good idea?

You don't know how this will go, but really having two cousins close in age is great, I grew up with my cousin and we are still great friends now.

Haven't read all the replies but a similar thing happened to me and in the end it didn't matter at all. The focus and intensity of having a baby is so much more important that the fact she happened to have a baby at the same time was pretty irrelevant. Still the case three years later.

OP there's no use telling this stuff to strangers on the net.

You need to tell your family.

Did your brother have nothing to do with moving closer to his mum, then??

Perhaps she wants a good relationship for your brother's sake?

Really though, stop meeting her!

Don't go to your mum's if she's there!

Tell your mum to stop pushing it!

Tell your SIL!

Congratulations!

Yanbu. I would be the same as I don't like people to be too clingy . I havent been through miscarriage myself but it seems to make sense to me that you may be worried about it happening again. In which case, having someone so close to you being pregnant at the same time adds an extra layer of pressure. On the flipside, I don't think your SIL has done anything wrong. She's just trying to make friends with you and perhaps has a different approach. Compromise might be the answer - maybe meet her once a week and have separate friends. Good luck with the pregnancy.

Your SIL sounds like she just wants to be friends - what's wrong with that! The person who called her a "loon" - how nasty.

I think it is definitely the case that your sil has got the feeling you don't like her and is trying extra hard with you. Although I don't know why. You sound like very hard work.

You've had a shit year and the pressure must weigh a ton on you
But really you are being U - she didn't get herself pregnant, your brother helped and presumably they both looked at houses close to you so she's not totally responsible for that either! Are you also upset with him?
Is she a bit socially awkward in your family and latching on to a friendly face? Even the best families can be overwhelming to marry in to and she might just be wanting to get a bit closer to someone she has common ground with!

You are not wrong for how you feel. Your SIL is trying too hard and that is very off-putting.

Just keep her at arms' length and she'll eventually get the message.

I had a similar problem a few years ago with a work colleague who was way too familiar and try hard for my liking.

I was just polite and cool and eventually things calmed down and she stopped trying to force the friendship.

Wow she doesn't sound like she's just being friendly, she sounds overbearing! Trying to move next door! I'd like to live next door to my sister but only because we're close, I don't get this automatically having to be bfffs because you are related. My SIL is the same, she's nice but we're very different and we don't have much in common, only see each other ever few months. Ever since we told her about the pregnancy she's been sending messages nearly every day, it's too much! Just carry on as you are, keep civil but maintain your distance, smile and nod about Ny comparisons. And to pp who said you can't possibly be depressed in pregnancy.

Haven't read the full thread but this isn't a particularly tricky situation. Smile and be nice but keep things vague.

Where are you having the baby?
We aren't sure yet, as you know it's a bit complicated.

Will you go to AN classes?
We aren't sure yet but you should go ahead and book in.

Shall we have a baby shower together?
I haven't decided about having one, you go ahead with your plans.

And remember, you don't have to be Besties to have the odd cup of tea or afternoon at the swings. She might turn out to be a good support to you when you are on your knees with exhaustion. Or maybe she will need your support at times.

Fwiw my SIL and I were pregnant together twice and although we got on fine we had totally separate pregnancies and groups of friends even though we lived locally.

Why is the Sil getting blamed for wanting to move close?

Maybe it was the dbro, maybe he is pushing Sil to be friends?

Maybe she is going about it the wrong way, but maybe she thinks the OP doesn't like her and is trying to make everyone happy.

Maybe he is encouraging her to go for a job where you are. Or she wants a job there for another reason.

My dbro got job with a great employer. Great pay, flexibility, hours and perks. I went there too. Nothing to do with him being there at all.

The dbro and Sil are both in the relationship, both equally capable of making decisions about where they live and work. I doubt the Sil is doing this all her own and he is going along under duress.

I had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with my second DD. My sister was also pregnant when I got pregnant agsin but further along than me. I was a bit upset at first but then realised my DDs would have another cousin to play with.
So sorry YABU. Your SIL seems nice and just wants to get along with you. She also didn't get pregnant to spite you.

I don't know if you saw my thread re my SIL the other day, but you sound exactly like her.

I'm definitely not as full on like your SIL, but I try and make an effort to be friendly to my SIL and she's just rude and disinterested and totally in in in disengaged. You sound just like her and it's a horrible feeling.

You don't have to be best friends with her now you're both pregnant, you can still try and avoid her etc but when you DO have to see her, please, make an effort with her. It's just rude otherwise

If even the op's mother wants them to get on it seems fairly obvious that the op's dislike of her sil is uncomfortably noticeable.

It never ceases to amaze me how being unpleasant towards someone you don't like is positively encouraged on here, no wonder some women struggle to make friends when there are people who encourage others not to be friends with them and brand them loons for trying. this is where children learn bullying behaviour.

Congratulations! Please don't let this become a barrier to you enjoying your pregnancy and baby/child.

MIL and her SIL became pregnant at the same time, 60 years ago. For MIL, it was like a competition (she 'won' by having hers a day before SIL!) for the rest of their lives. Don't let that happen to you and your SIL. Can you talk to your midwife about your feelings? Hormones do funny things to people.

Your SIL may be lovely. Or she might not. It doesn't matter. What is important is you and how you feel, and to me you sound worried, anxious and sad.

I am sorry it sounds like you have had a tough time of late, may I ask if you had support? Could The miscarriage threads here help you?

I can totally understand worrying about being pregnant at the same time if you think you might have another miscarriage. However otherwise I think you're actually really lucky to have someone who wants to be friends and is at a similar stage of pregnancy. When my first son was born I didn't know anyone else with a baby. I like my own company but day after day on your own is something different. She could actually be one of your biggest allies if you can keep it on your terms, meet once a week for a couple of hours or so?

Sleeponeday sorry you seem wound up by my autism suggestion. I knew it was a risky thing to bring up as it often offends. I have the utmost respect and affection for four family members ( inc OH) who are all on the spectrum and as you correctly point out are all completely different and not defined by any particular characteristic. I felt it needed to be said , especially as op was being called such horrible names
I brought it up to be helpful xx