Not happy that SIL is pregnant at the same time as me

[Earlyday]

I'm sure I'll be told I'm being unreasonable....but anyway...

I'm pregnant after several miscarriages. I've had a really horrible year - apart from the miscarriages. I'm feeling a bit depressed as it's been a lot to go through - and some things are ongoing.

I'm holding off on telling people I'm pregnant for now.

SIL has just announced she's pregnant - just a little bit further along than me.

I've never got on with her. I like my own space but she tries to hard to be best pals and it's not what I want. We are very different personalities. I don't mind meeting up now and then (not often) and being nice - but then I need to get away and have space.

Her and DB recently moved very close to me - initially they tried to move almost right next to my place. She has twice tried to get a job in the same place as me - even though we live in a big city and I can't understand why of all the places in this city she'd be trying to work in my place.

Just as I was starting to feel happy about this pregnancy she announces her pregnancy and I feel myself getting really depressed. I just have this vision of everyone seeing us as a pair now - because we are both at the same stage of pregnancy and our babies will be the same age.

I feel like I will end up having to spend loads of time with her when I'd prefer not to. I'm dreading it. I don't want to bump in to her at the hospital or at baby groups. I feel like I won't be able to enjoy this maternity leave as she'll be close by and expecting to meet up all the time.

DH says to look on the bright-side - our baby will have a cousin to grow up with. I appreciate that part - but I don't like the idea of SIL having to become a big part of my life.

I'm sure I sound horrible to be thinking like this - but I'm not looking forward to announcing in pregnant now - and everyone being delighted that me and SIL might end up in hospital at the same time giving birth , I know SIL will probably start crying with joy when she hears I'm pregnant too - I'm not looking forward to that.

As an older mum who took awhile to get pregnant and had two miscarriages I think you are being unreasonable. When I was pregnant I couldn't of cared less who was pregnant. I wish my DC's had cousins close in age. You might find once your baby is born you do want to be close to your SIL. If not I am sure you will be able to avoid her. For the sake of your health, your marriage and your unborn babies health you really need to get over this and focus on something else. I am sure your SIL will pick up on your feelings and take the hint soon if she hasn't already.

Congrats on your pregnancy OP

You are obsessed with your SIL, however - I think it would (if thats possible of course) be best that your paths don't cross often, because the level of your dislike is unreasonable to a huge extent - you are now pregnant with a much loved baby and yet still, your SIL is heavily on your mind? & you sound as if you wanted and expected all attention to be on you, and are enraged that she is pregnant too what was she supposed to do - hold off on attempting to get pregnant, until you got pregnant? Why should/must all eyes be on you? If she knew how you thought, it would likely scare her. It would scare me, thats for sure. Leave the woman alone as far as you can - although as your child's aunt there will have to be some interaction, it likely won't be as regular as you think. If your SIL has picked up on your feelings she will steer clear of you, and besides will have her own baby to take care of and think about. I hope when those children grow they can find some closeness with each other, there seem to be so many adults nowadays who separate their children from extended family on a me me me basis

if your SIL has picked up on your feelings she will steer clear of you

I think the op would love that actually!! Sadly the SIL sounds rather like a human version of an over-enthusiastic Labrador; her love and affection would be nice in small doses but when applied incessantly it's incredibly annoying.

Congratulations to you all, I have 2 stil who can not be bothered to give the time of day, I wish I had a sil to chat with sometimes and our kids are strangers, sometimes it goes the other way, I hope you find some middle ground with your sil.

I'm really surprised that your major concern despite what you went through is that your Sil is pregnant the same time as you? Try and focus on relaxing and having this baby. I don't think your Sil means you no harm - is she close to your dh?

Sound a bit counter intuitive BUT how about taking back some control? Invite her to meet up for a quick coffee in town every now and then (have your reasons ready as to why you have to leave etc) get to know her better in a different setting. Be more open with her "oh you know me, I'm an introvert. I so need my space from everybody". Be clear that it isn't just her that you are a different person etc. Then at other times you can be direct at get together " I'm not up to being socialising much today".

I am pleased for you and wish you all the best with your pregnancy.. It does sound (from what you say) that your SIL has tried too hard to be your friend as clearly you are incompatible. When it comes to comparisons you appear to be mean and self centred and your SIL rather nice, if a little cloying. For the sake of your husband and his relationship with his family try to establish boundaries in a thoughtful way. I can see huge advantages in having children at the same stages ( e.g.babysitting for each other) and a relationship can be maintained without being in each other's pockets. So to answer your question.....YABU.

Just realised SIL is your brother's wife. Your brother knows you well enough to help his wife understand the type of person you are.

You're not being unreasonable. But you're being emotional, which is just fine. When both babies arrive, you'll discover the enormous advantages of having a "pair" - which will outweigh any question of whether she'd be your chosen Best Friend.

I can absolutely see where you're coming from, I'm much the same and would happily spend time alone over socialising with others, especially someone who makes me feel uncomfortable.

Having said that, there's something off about all this. You seem almost paranoid about this woman, convinced she sits at your mums staring out the window waiting for you etc... And what about your brother? You've barely mentioned him, does he not have a say in where he lives too?

I've found that there are two choices in a situation like this. Either accept her advances and try to focus on the good bits of this, or put on your big girl boots and tell her that you are not comfortable with the level of intimacy she is trying to impose. She may not even know what an introvert is.

Please try to stop obsessing about your sil and focus on your own pregnancy. Congratulations, I hope it all goes well.

Oh Earlydays I understand, I know what it is to worry during pregnancy and not feel great. It makes it worse to be told you should be grateful, of course one is grateful but everyone is still entitled to their own struggles. And I know how it feels to try to manage a relationship where the other person is overly keen :/ Big hug to you.

YANBU. It's hard to force a connection/friendship when you don't gel and more so if you feel crowded by that person. I also think you are worried about this pregnancy/its outcome and maybe channelling that anxiety in your SILs direction - making her loom larger than she actually is - if she wasn't around I suspect you would have found something else to worry about as a coping mechanism.

When the baby arrives you'll be able to hide behind that a little but I think you're going to have to think of strategies.- some good ones already suggested - so that this r/ship that you do have with your SIL is more steered by you. Have you spoken to your DH or your DM about this and how they might be able to draw SIL's 'fire' or give you respite from her attentions.

Yeah - you do sound pretty horrible.

I can quite understand how you might be feeling and anyway, even if I couldn't, you can't help your feelings. You can't change the situation but you can change your attitude to it. And you can focus on your own wonderful news, particularly after so many sadnesses. I am sorry you feel depressed - that may be to do with the feeling of your specialness perhaps being diluted as SIL happens also to be (and this can't be held as her fault) edging in on your joy with hers. And these are your feelings, and feelings aren't always reasonable or fair. We still feel them though. But it could also be pre natal depression which is more common than people think so you might want to speak to your doctor or midwife. One doesn't get over miscarriages necessarily simply by being pregnant, wonderful though that is. The wounds are still there and your doctor would be sympathetic. Try to focus on you and your new little family. There is no need for you to chum up with SIL during pregnancy, you can choose an NCT course perhaps elsewhere where you will make your own connections and friends. You can say no to meet ups. There is no reason for you suddenly to be friends just because you are both pregnant. Feel your own specialness and try to delight in your own plans for your unique new family life.
x

OP, I understand you can't help the way you are. You sound introverted like my DH. He can't spend time with extroverted people. They drain him of all his energy. Sometimes he come across as rude, but he really isn't. At the moment you have nothing in common. I am hoping that when you both have children, you will find something in common there and be able to meet. You are not going to be able to avoid her and it's true that it would be lovely for the cousins to know each other.

Have you ever explicitly told anyone how you feel? To an outsider, it does seem as though your attitude towards your SIL is the cause of your distress rather than her behaviour. It may be more helpful and successful to try to be either more positive about your interaction with SIL, or explicitly communicate your discomfort to DM, DB and DSIL. They are not mind readers.

Maybe we don't know the full story, or understand it properly, but to be honest you sound rather like you have issues to sort out. Perhaps your need some counselling to get over your miscarriages. This woman whilst sounding overbearing is part of your family and for your children's sake you need to get over this or you're going to spoil it in the long term for you and your children.

And to the people who say just because she's your brothers wife doesn't mean you have to get on. Well wrong, if you want to have a stable life for your children who will feel like they have lots of people in their life who love them while growing up its important to put differences aside and look at what you have in common to get on, for starters your children. The children will be aware these people are family and if you don't get along or see each other they will feel they're missing out and wonder why and importantly see you as a bad example of how to have relationships, we all need to grow up a bit when we have children. I speak as an introvert and someone who finds it hard to bond with people if they're difficult. OP as I mention above you have issues - I'm sorry but it's you need to speak to someone about this and your SIL being pregnant at the same time will eventually be a blessing if you let it. You don't have to live in each other's pockets you can have control over the situation, but equally don't completely give her the cold shoulder she's your child's aunt which is precious.

... And she's carrying your little niece / nephew they are precious too!

SIL is doing nothing wrong. She sounds like a nice person who is just trying to be your friend, so in that sense YABU.

However, you are obviously someone who needs her space, and there is nothing wrong with that, so in that sense YANBU.

OP, I don't think you sound at all mean or as if you have been unpleasant to your SIL. I think you sound nervous about setting boundaries and your response if you're not sure about your level of control is to back away.

I think the suggestion from the poster above about trying to take a bit of control is a very good one. Try making the occasional arrangement to meet, sit beside SIL for a while at family gatherings then go and mingle. If you consciously say "yes" to some things you may feel more comfortable saying "no" to others rather than the trapped feeling that radiates from your posts at the moment.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Eddie as I and some other posters have said what's wrong with OP telling her SIL her thoughts and feelings?

DB told me my SIL was very sensitive and though she doesn't always come off that way, at least I take that on board.

If OP at least told SIL nicely "I'd appreciate it if you didn't follow me around, I prefer people not to encroach on my own space, I'd prefer if we went to different baby groups etc" then ok it would be extremely blunt and OP would most likely risk alienating SIL, but then OPs cards are laid on the table whereas now, OP, I totally get her personality but it sounds quite bitchy and talking almost behind SILs back eg avoiding her etc.

I too have trouble with extroverts sometimes but Mums and several other posters do have a point that OP should make an effort which she quite clearly doesn't want to do. In fact I'd lay bets on OP returning at some point saying "well I'll try or I won't but I still don't like the fact SIL is pregnant at same time as me, because x, y and z". I don't think OP has even thought that at some point she or SIL may want to share baby caring woes etc or happy times with their babies with each other and support/share in the joy with each other... Which is very sad.

Anyway seems like I'm beating my head against a brick wall here.

YABU

It is horrible to feel that you were just about to get an awesome and long awaited new thing and now there is the threat that you might be expected to share the experience instead of getting it all for yourself, and do it 'halvsies' with an unwanted acquaintance.

But, this is not what is going to happen.

I only just recently joined mumnet so I might be a bit slow in descovering threads so apologies if this is a delayed response but I've just come across this.

Firtsly big big congratulations on yournpregnancy ! :)

Secondly, I can see how the idea of a SIL being pregnant at the same time as you can be a bit annoying especially if you aren't the best of friends (in your opinion anyway!).

All I'd say is that when I got pregnant, a good friend of mine alsoc got pregnant and that was actually really nice we had a great time together caring our bumps. But then, after we had our babies, surprisingly we didn't actually spend that much time together! And we live in a very small town so you'd think we'd have plenty of opportunities.

For me this was actually a bit sad that two best friends didn't actually spend that much time together during their maternity leave but the thing is that after you've had a baby, you meIet so many different people and you get so many opoortunities to do things with various people. Your life after baby is born is filled with new experiences, new people, new friends and I can honestly say that you will not have time to hang around your SIL nor will she :)

I'm not sure if this is helpful at all but I thought I'd share :)

It appears your SIL is your scapegoat of choice and its more convenient to blame her, than to take responsibility for the consequences of your inability to communicate your boundaries to her and the rest of your family. Bitching about her is hardly kinder than saying directly that you need your space, your silence is fuelling your anxieties.

Stop acting like a victim and put your big girl pants on.