Not happy that SIL is pregnant at the same time as me

[Earlyday]

I'm sure I'll be told I'm being unreasonable....but anyway...

I'm pregnant after several miscarriages. I've had a really horrible year - apart from the miscarriages. I'm feeling a bit depressed as it's been a lot to go through - and some things are ongoing.

I'm holding off on telling people I'm pregnant for now.

SIL has just announced she's pregnant - just a little bit further along than me.

I've never got on with her. I like my own space but she tries to hard to be best pals and it's not what I want. We are very different personalities. I don't mind meeting up now and then (not often) and being nice - but then I need to get away and have space.

Her and DB recently moved very close to me - initially they tried to move almost right next to my place. She has twice tried to get a job in the same place as me - even though we live in a big city and I can't understand why of all the places in this city she'd be trying to work in my place.

Just as I was starting to feel happy about this pregnancy she announces her pregnancy and I feel myself getting really depressed. I just have this vision of everyone seeing us as a pair now - because we are both at the same stage of pregnancy and our babies will be the same age.

I feel like I will end up having to spend loads of time with her when I'd prefer not to. I'm dreading it. I don't want to bump in to her at the hospital or at baby groups. I feel like I won't be able to enjoy this maternity leave as she'll be close by and expecting to meet up all the time.

DH says to look on the bright-side - our baby will have a cousin to grow up with. I appreciate that part - but I don't like the idea of SIL having to become a big part of my life.

I'm sure I sound horrible to be thinking like this - but I'm not looking forward to announcing in pregnant now - and everyone being delighted that me and SIL might end up in hospital at the same time giving birth , I know SIL will probably start crying with joy when she hears I'm pregnant too - I'm not looking forward to that.

"Your post makes for uncomfortable reading. A tad spiteful, unpleasant etc"

"YABU and sound a bit mean tbh"

"You sound a bit unkind"

Guys, are you actually reading the post? I clicked thinking "this sounds awful" - but I don't see anything mean, spiteful or unkind here. OP, you sound really down. You didn't choose to have this person in your life, and you don't have to be friends.

Good luck with this pregnancy, give it a few weeks and then make the announcement when your feelings have settled a bit. You may get some comments but I think if you don't indulge them, they will stop. Congratulations x

I read the title ready to say you were being a dick. You're not, at all.

She's your brother's wife, right? How close are you to your brother?

Do you think she's trying so hard with you to please him? Would he like you to be best friends with her? Is it possible that he was the one who suggested moving closer to you?

Maybe you could have a gentle word with him and say that you appreciate the effort his wife makes, but you find it a bit overbearing.

I can understand you not wanting to do everything together with your SIL if you have different personalities and it's fine to establish boundaries. She does seem like she has been OTT. Trying to be your friend is one thing, trying to move next to you and get a job at your workplace so you can see each other all the time, every day, when you have never given her a reason to believe that would be welcome is another! I'd also find that overwhelming, it's not just you. How do you get on with your DB? Could he have a tactful word and explain that while you like her, this is all a bit much and you're a private person who needs space sometimes? Or maybe you could consider having a polite word yourself because she isn't taking a hint! Try not to let this ruin your experience of your longed for pregnancy or your ability to be happy for her pregnancy. You don't have to go classes or anything together just say they're not your thing. Have you considered counselling to help with your depression?

Poor SIL. Let's swap!

I'd love a friendly engaging SIL. And you sound like you'd get on well with the sour and can't-be-bothered one I've got.

YABU but you probably know that by now.

You need to separate and compartmentalize yours and your SIL's pregnancy. How about you take her out of the equation entirely and focus on the fact that your DB (whom I assume you have a half decent relationship with), is about to become a father. And you're about to become an auntie. That is wonderful news and deserves to be celebrated.

Everything else is just you putting ideas into your own head about what you think will happen. Stop preempting situations that haven't happened yet.

And cut your SIL some slack. She sounds like a normal person who is trying to be a friend. And that's fine, it doesn't make her strange. And honestly, from you saying "I don't really get on with her" makes me think that she'll avoid you as much as you'll avoid her.

YABU.

She sounds lovely. Probably trying to work at your place because she wants to be your friend. Have probably moved closer to you as there grand plan is to settle and want to be near family.

Sounds like you've judged her without even trying to be friends.

Baby groups and meeting up with family is a tiny minority of your mat leave. The majority is gonna be spent at home sleep deprived and in your jammies.

I would of loved having someone close to matter about scans, baby kicks, birth plans, then those first few months. I didn't have anyone close going through it when I did.

Lighten up

Have you ever thought Op your SIL might feel isolated and in need of friendship and your pushing her away?

But YABU. Are other people forbidden from shagging and breeding, in case the lime light gets stolen from you.
Congratulations, though. I'm sorry for your loses.

Yes not but

I think her trying to get a job at 'your place' is totally meaningless in terms of her feelings towards you and any desire on her part to forge a relationship with you. I actively dislike my SIL. She is vile - the only person I have ever met whom I have found to be just plain nasty, with zero redeeming features. I have no wish to be anything other than distantly polite to her. But I applied for a job at 'her place' because it's a great job with flexible working. It has fuck all to do with her.

You do sound like you are the problem here, OP - not her.

MN is weird.

Trying to move next door to your brother and his wife and then get a job at her work is strange. I can understand why you feel weird Op. It really doesn't matter what other people think.

What they think about you being a pair I mean.

I want to be sure I've got this; it sounds as if you think that SiL is basically a nice person and you are happy for her, that's good. Nothing about this has anything to do with 'sharing the limelight', right? You're just unhappy that the 'double pregnancies' may cause SiL and others to expect you and SiL to end up besties, right?

It sounds that SiL likes and/or admires you. But that, through no fault of hers, she just isn't 'your type'. Have you thought about just what it is about her you don't care for? Personally, I've developed some wonderful friends from people I really didn't care for until I took the time to get to know them.

The real sticky part of this is that she's family. I don't see how you can avoid her during family get togethers, especially since at some point the cousins may end up good friends. No guarantee they'll be friends though, my DS2 and my BFF's DS couldn't stand each other from toddlerhood on.

Do you have other friends you can be 'busy' with if/when she tries to 'makes dates' (couldn't think of a better phrase) with you?

Have you considered changing your name and leaving the city?

YABU

Life would be so cool if you could just say 'I think you're a lovely woman, but I don't want to start any new friendships at the moment. I think we should just carry on in a polite informal manner when we have to meet'

But it would be very unusual if you said something like that and then went on to have a good relationship with her.

I think if you are sure you don't EVER want to be proper fiends, then you need to speak up. But you won't be coming back from this!

Nofunkingworriesmate

You are very perceptive. I've sometimes wondered if I have aspergers - but I don't think I do - but maybe I have some traits.

I get very stressed in situations like this where SIL is pushing herself close to me all the time. It's kind of relentless whenever we meet. I find it hard when she always sits close to me when we don't gel very well. It's awkward being stuck next to someone all the time trying to make small talk. I get really stressed. I want to be able to spend time with other people to and not be glued to SIL.

Maybe I'm not 'normal' to be like this - but these are genuine feelings i have. I don't think people should push themselves so much at someone who doesn't seem eager for this.

Acrossthepond - yes you understand what I'm saying:
want to be sure I've got this; it sounds as if you think that SiL is basically a nice person and you are happy for her, that's good. Nothing about this has anything to do with 'sharing the limelight', right? You're just unhappy that the 'double pregnancies' may cause SiL and others to expect you and SiL to end up besties, right?

QuiteLikely why should the fact I'm related to someone dictate how I should deal with them? I have a sick of a brother I'm non-contact with and barely speak to most of the extended family because I've nothing in common with them. I'm civil if we're ever in the same place (hatches, matches, and dispatches for the most part) but would never go out of mybwaybtonsocialise with any of them. The OP owes her sister in law nothing but that same sort of civility if that's all she wants to give. Just because the sister in law wants more doesn't mean she's entitled to it.

Given that she is further along in her pregnancy than you she clearly hasn't deliberately set out to be pregnant at the same time.

No one is forcing you to be any closer than you are now. I was pregnant at the same time as my sister-in-law and my sister. It made absolutely no difference to our relationships.

Does your brother know you feel this way about his wife?

I am sorry you have had such a horrible year and that you have experienced miscarriages. But I think you need to get a handle on these feelings before you risk your relationship with your brother and tarnish what should be a wonderful time in your life - because it is YOU doing that...not her.

Nofunkingworriesmate my son is very loving and affectionate, and has problems in invading other people's personal space, because he craves closeness and intimacy with others. He is also diagnosed, and in many ways textbook, ASD.

He has sensory processing problems; he finds crowds hard; he needs routine; he loves lego and computers and problem solving; he can't read facial expressions or body language and needs to be bluntly told when someone is bored or annoyed or confused by him. That doesn't mean he can't feel loneliness, or want the company of others. And actually, he is pretty lovely company, too. He's a great kid with some social difficulties, but he is not defined by them, and he is of a very different (bubbly and gregarious as well as anxious and meticulous) temperament. Autistic people have brains that are wired differently, but they remain unique individuals. There is no one autistic personality type.

It doesn't help anyone if people propagate a bunch of stereotypes and cliches about autism. The saying, "when you've met one autistic person... then you've met one autistic person" exists for a reason.

OP may or may not have a child on the spectrum and she may or may not have traits herself, but liking to select a person whom she wants to befriend, rather than have someone forced on her, is I suspect a fairly normal human feeling. Especially when that person tries to manufacture a closeness you just don't feel, which the OP describes.

I think ( and I mean this kindly to both of you) that her keenness is what is pushing you away. There is something to be said for the treat them mean keep them keen saying..instinctively the keenness is off putting.
You might find though that having babies the same age gives you a whole world of things to talk about and bond over..it's actually really nice to have people at the same stage and it's amazing how many hours you can spend talking about sleep and feeding of pfb..
As she is your sister in law perhaps you owe it to give it a chance?

I've been in the situation of my SIL being pregnant at the same time as me, twice, and in some ways it was difficult because of the constant comparison. So to a certain extent I do understand you OP.

However, I also think you sound a bit unkind towards her. It's hard to say if moving near you and applying for a job where you work is strange or not - if you work in a tiny company in London, where there are tens of thousands of job opportunities and houses to choose from then yes, it's strange. If you live in medium sized town and work for a business with hundreds of employees then it's not strange at all.

As for her being overly friendly, maybe she senses your feelings towards her and is desperately wondering what she has done that is so awful that you try to avoid her, and she overcompensates to try to make you like her. But instead of making you like her, it drives you to dislike her more.

Seriously? YABVU. You haven't even told anyone you're pregnant. How was she supposed to know?