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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not happy that SIL is pregnant at the same time as me

258 replies

Earlyday · 01/04/2016 21:57

I'm sure I'll be told I'm being unreasonable....but anyway...

I'm pregnant after several miscarriages. I've had a really horrible year - apart from the miscarriages. I'm feeling a bit depressed as it's been a lot to go through - and some things are ongoing.

I'm holding off on telling people I'm pregnant for now.

SIL has just announced she's pregnant - just a little bit further along than me.

I've never got on with her. I like my own space but she tries to hard to be best pals and it's not what I want. We are very different personalities. I don't mind meeting up now and then (not often) and being nice - but then I need to get away and have space.

Her and DB recently moved very close to me - initially they tried to move almost right next to my place. She has twice tried to get a job in the same place as me - even though we live in a big city and I can't understand why of all the places in this city she'd be trying to work in my place.

Just as I was starting to feel happy about this pregnancy she announces her pregnancy and I feel myself getting really depressed. I just have this vision of everyone seeing us as a pair now - because we are both at the same stage of pregnancy and our babies will be the same age.

I feel like I will end up having to spend loads of time with her when I'd prefer not to. I'm dreading it. I don't want to bump in to her at the hospital or at baby groups. I feel like I won't be able to enjoy this maternity leave as she'll be close by and expecting to meet up all the time.

DH says to look on the bright-side - our baby will have a cousin to grow up with. I appreciate that part - but I don't like the idea of SIL having to become a big part of my life.

I'm sure I sound horrible to be thinking like this - but I'm not looking forward to announcing in pregnant now - and everyone being delighted that me and SIL might end up in hospital at the same time giving birth Sad, I know SIL will probably start crying with joy when she hears I'm pregnant too - I'm not looking forward to that.

OP posts:
Crabbitface · 01/04/2016 23:32

The OP owes her sister in law nothing but that same sort of civility if that's all she wants to give.

Of course she can be as civil or rude as she pleases to whomever she pleases, but she does have to think about her relationship with her brother and whether her determination not to get on with his wife is impacting on him. That's if she cares about her relationship with him.

ExpressTrainComingThrough · 01/04/2016 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MajesticWhine · 01/04/2016 23:34

OP maybe it's about asserting yourself and your boundaries. If she asks to meet you are allowed to say no. If she comes up to talk to you persistently and intrusively, maybe there are ways you could escape.

sleeponeday · 01/04/2016 23:34

I think ( and I mean this kindly to both of you) that her keenness is what is pushing you away. There is something to be said for the treat them mean keep them keen saying..instinctively the keenness is off putting.

Completely agree - I'd find the degree of keenness the OP describes intrusive.

Original poster
Earlyday · 01/04/2016 23:36

It's annoying on AIBU when people totally misread what you're saying

I'm not jealous of SIL being pregnant

I'm quite happy for her to take the limelight with her pregnancy as I hate being the centre of attention

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 01/04/2016 23:37

I think I'd find it intrusive too, but at the same time I can completely understand how someone who has never done anything nasty to someone else could be baffled and hurt by the fact that the person clearly doesn't like them. And I can imagine how they might be so over eager to 'put things right' that it becomes off-putting.

SpringHasNearlySprung · 01/04/2016 23:38

You sound hard work OP. Your SIL appears to be making an afford to fit in to your family and all you appear to be doing is pushing her away. For goodness sake, lots of people fall pregnant at the same time. What did you expect her to do? Wait until you had your child before daring to fall pregnant? YABVVU!

RattieOfCatan · 01/04/2016 23:41

I think you are bu, but I can see exactly why you feel that way! I'd feel exactly the same as you in this situation,it's not that she's pregnant it's the expectation that you'll be spending so much time together.

SpringHasNearlySprung · 01/04/2016 23:42

It's annoying on AIBU when people totally misread what you're saying

Don't make an OP then saying you are annoyed your SIL is pregnant the same time as you,

Katarzyna79 · 01/04/2016 23:44

OP you said yourself you know yabu. and i agree you are.

I know how it feels. my sil announced she was pregnant just before me, I didn't know I was pregnant until a month or so after. We were a month apart. We didn't know each other that well since she was new to the family.

Well I didn't want to take her limelight it was her first baby with my brother, but I couldn't hide my pregnancy so I announced it. I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy my sil lost her baby a few weeks ago to a miscarriage. the sad thing is this baby could have been delievered via c section.

i have since found out she has had miscarriages before but she kept that to herself, and that's her business I'm not bitter about it i wouldn't want to share details like that either. So its a bit like your situation is it not but vice versa?

also you didn't say your sil was a bitch to you as such just she's too full on in your face? Try to avoid her if you don't like her but i think you need to keep perspective its not the end of the world that you and her are pregnant at the same time. if you wanted you could use it as opportunity to put your differences aside and bond, but if you don't want to that's fine too

. I doubt she planned to take the focus away from you, i certaintly didn't plan it i have 4 already.

Since you cannot tolerate her all you can do is avoid her as much as possible and be kind and polite whenever you do see her.

Original poster
Earlyday · 01/04/2016 23:45

Yes I think it's the constant over- keenness that's worn me down.

When I call up to my mothers house and she's there I always get the feeling she's been looking out the window waiting for me. As I walk up the driveway, she always opens the door. I don't know joe she sees me. I know that doesn't sound like much but I just want to be able to go up to my mums house and open the door with my key like i doing she's not there and say hi to everyone.

Then she tries to be in the same room as me and sometimes I feel like she's following me from room to room.

I think if she'd back off hugely id feel more relaxed. We'll never be best friends but if I felt she wasn't always in my space I could relax a bit.

Am I really not normal for letting this get to me? I'm surprised as I thought this would stress others too.

OP posts:
Mrsfrumble · 01/04/2016 23:45

Yes SpringHasNearlySprung, a title like "AIBU to not want to spend all my time with my SIL just because we're pregnant at the same time" might have received more appropriate responses. The OP's OP wasn't too clear.

HormonalHeap · 01/04/2016 23:48

I never got on with my sil but my dd and her dd are not just cousins, they're besties and they mean the world to eachother. You never know.. look at the bigger picture.

summerainbow · 01/04/2016 23:57

Maybe you are the only member of your famliy that she can stand .

Katarzyna79 · 01/04/2016 23:57

early she obviously likes you and she's prob the sort of person that craves company. Whereas you like company but need your own space too. I'm similar to you i like my own space, i could spend weeks without seeing friends and be quite happy in my own company. but occasionally i like to see my friends.

my sil is down every wknd without fail and to be honest it irritates me sometimes because the wknd is the only time i get to spend with my husband and kids. usually 1 day we want to do something ie go out for lunch or go to a nice park and we can't because they announce last minute they're popping down. i cant really say no without offending my own brother.

But at the same time i know she gets lonely and shes the sort of person that needs to see someone new everyday or she gets depressed. so i guess for the wknd I'm that new face. If it cheers her up i figure i'll be that person for her for now.

Do you ever pop over to hers? Have you thght maybe shes in your face so much because she feels like you don't go? I don't go much and when i do she looks stressed out about what snacks to give me lol i think you should pop down and see how she behaves she may back off a bit then not come so often?

Katarzyna79 · 02/04/2016 00:01

hey OP could be worse least shes not a bitch to you. Apparently my sil is bitchy to my sis but i reckon that's because they are similar and compete with each other lol

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/04/2016 00:05

I understand what you mean about disliking the forced "us together".

Slightly different situation but my cousin and I were pregnant at the same time, had babies within 8 weeks of eachother last year. I, mostly out of a sense of duty, attempted to bond over mutual interest (pregnancy/baby) but we never had anything in common pre babies and actually have even less in common post babies. We don't really speak currently her choice, she's very insecure.

extralemonylemoncake · 02/04/2016 00:09

I think I'd find it intrusive too, but at the same time I can completely understand how someone who has never done anything nasty to someone else could be baffled and hurt by the fact that the person clearly doesn't like them. And I can imagine how they might be so over eager to 'put things right' that it becomes off-putting.

This. Be nice and make more of an effort for a bit and she may actually stop trying quite so hard.

ExpressTrainComingThrough · 02/04/2016 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spandexpants007 · 02/04/2016 00:14

Is there anything you actually like about her?

She sounds nice. A bit full on but friendly and engaged.

miraclebabyplease · 02/04/2016 01:13

Could the moving not have been for good schools / house prices etc? The jobs because there are good jobs there? Neither being motivated by wanting to be close to you?

brummiesue · 02/04/2016 02:50

You are also sounding a little paranoid now as well...if you don't want to see her or meet up just decline the invitations, she will give up eventually

kali110 · 02/04/2016 04:22

Yes, sil tries to make an effort and is cert friendly , what a crazy bitch...Confused
No idea why the sil is a loon.
I feel really sorry for her!
Maybe she keeps trying because she's realised that you don't really like her and she's trying her hardest to make an effort as she doesn't know why?
When you go out she'll make a beeline to sit next to you-that's bad?
She opens the door for you..
I don't meN it nastily as you've had an awful year but i'm struggling to see what this woman has actually done.
She clearly likes you and wants to get out with you, her family so to speak, better.
i hope she gives up as clearly you aren't happy with it and it's just wasting her time.

MonkeyPJs · 02/04/2016 04:35

Tricky.

I feel bad for the SIL as well, but it's clearly hard on the OP too, so my sympathies. I don't think you sound mean at all, but do seem to be blaming SIL a little much for how she makes you feel when she's probably totally clueless about it.

I do wonder OP if taking more ownership of the situation would help as you seem to be blaming your SIL for making you feel a certain way when there is a high likelihood she has no idea, and will never know unless you tell her.

I.E. instead of thinking 'if she didn't do xyz I could relax', it would be more helpful to think ' my strategies for relaxing when SIL does xyz are ... ', or 'I am going to try and encourage her not to xyz by doing abc'

GigotdAgneau · 02/04/2016 04:43

I think you may feel she is trying to usurp your position in your family and you resent that she gets on with your mother, who you say is pushing you together, and has equal access to your family home to you. Just a thought.