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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not happy that SIL is pregnant at the same time as me

258 replies

Earlyday · 01/04/2016 21:57

I'm sure I'll be told I'm being unreasonable....but anyway...

I'm pregnant after several miscarriages. I've had a really horrible year - apart from the miscarriages. I'm feeling a bit depressed as it's been a lot to go through - and some things are ongoing.

I'm holding off on telling people I'm pregnant for now.

SIL has just announced she's pregnant - just a little bit further along than me.

I've never got on with her. I like my own space but she tries to hard to be best pals and it's not what I want. We are very different personalities. I don't mind meeting up now and then (not often) and being nice - but then I need to get away and have space.

Her and DB recently moved very close to me - initially they tried to move almost right next to my place. She has twice tried to get a job in the same place as me - even though we live in a big city and I can't understand why of all the places in this city she'd be trying to work in my place.

Just as I was starting to feel happy about this pregnancy she announces her pregnancy and I feel myself getting really depressed. I just have this vision of everyone seeing us as a pair now - because we are both at the same stage of pregnancy and our babies will be the same age.

I feel like I will end up having to spend loads of time with her when I'd prefer not to. I'm dreading it. I don't want to bump in to her at the hospital or at baby groups. I feel like I won't be able to enjoy this maternity leave as she'll be close by and expecting to meet up all the time.

DH says to look on the bright-side - our baby will have a cousin to grow up with. I appreciate that part - but I don't like the idea of SIL having to become a big part of my life.

I'm sure I sound horrible to be thinking like this - but I'm not looking forward to announcing in pregnant now - and everyone being delighted that me and SIL might end up in hospital at the same time giving birth Sad, I know SIL will probably start crying with joy when she hears I'm pregnant too - I'm not looking forward to that.

OP posts:
nocabbageinmyeye · 01/04/2016 22:16

How does the sil sound like a loon??? Confused

Yabu, and i agree with pp, you have had several miscarriages, please enjoy this time, you don't sound very nice to be honest, your in danger of ruining what should be a lovely time for yourself (although you also sound like if you do ruin it for yourself then you'd be back in a few months blaming your sister in law anyway)

imnotalpharius · 01/04/2016 22:17

Do you live near your mum OP?

SirChenjin · 01/04/2016 22:17

Maybe a really good job came up in 'your place' that she fancied?

YABU. Your SIL sounds like she can't do right for doing wrong. Just try and focus on being pregnant after your miscarriages and enjoy it - don't focus your energy on something that makes you feel low.

chillycurtains · 01/04/2016 22:17

YABU. The situation sounds awkward if she is pressing friendship on you but you just need to get on with life. It is not fair to be upset with her for having a child. You don't hold the rights to having children. Nor do you hold the exclusive rights to your local area and choosing who dares to live near you. Also might be worth remembering your SIL fell pregnant first. Just get on with your own pregnancy and enjoy it and find your own interests and groups when the babies are born.

Quodlibet · 01/04/2016 22:20

You sound like the trauma of your miscarriages and awful year has taken its toll on you and you have few emotional reserves to be outgoing or generous, or anything really except self-protective. Given the circumstances I think that's an understandable response to what's happened to you.

However (and I say this as someone who has experienced post-miscarriage depression) you are, as a result, being very self-absorbed.

Rather than being happy about your niece/nephew, you are viewing SIL as a threat to your space and an unnecessary pressure. It's unfortunate that you feel this way, and perhaps with time, as your own pregnancy progresses and you get further away from the traumas you've suffered, you'll have some emotional resources to feel a bit more generously about it.

Original poster
Earlyday · 01/04/2016 22:20

ProcrastinatorGeneral

That exactly what it is - the flight response.

When we are out somewhere she always arranges it so she's sitting next to me - it makes me feel trapped as I feel like I don't have space to sit near anyone else. It's things like that all the time. Kind of hard to explain.

Maybe if I was a really easy going person it wouldn't be a big deal but I get stressed easily

OP posts:
BennyTheBall · 01/04/2016 22:22

Why not try to be happy for her as well as yourself?

You sound a bit unkind from what you have posted. You don't have to live in her pocket.

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 01/04/2016 22:22

My SIL has been pregnant at the same time as me twice. I don't like her either and she is actively not nice, where as yours sounds a dream in comparison.

I felt a little like you, but believe me, once those babies are here and your DC will have a cousin to play with at the same age and you will have someone to help you out for certain things, it will (sometimes) be a god send.

Mine is competitive, and gets angry with me when my slightly younger DC can do something. As well, her parenting style is very diff to mine but the children are close and that's priceless.

QuiteLikely5 · 01/04/2016 22:24

Your post makes for uncomfortable reading.

A tad spiteful, unpleasant etc

Try to go easy on the woman, she seems nice, what would your brother think if he read your post?

MrsBobDylan · 01/04/2016 22:24

You sound like you have feelings you need to work through about your losses and worries about this pregnancy, and you are using your feelings about sil as a distraction from dealing with the issues at hand.

You obviously don't like your sil which is sad, but I expect she either knows or will twig at some point, and will be happy to avoid you too.

Hope all works out for you - do talk to your GP about feeling depressed.Flowers

catsinthecraddle · 01/04/2016 22:24

You are not BU, you want your own space. If she wasn't related to you, you could just chose to ignore her and never seeing her again. As it stands, she's family, so you are stuck with her.

Just stay calm, and relax. Having 2 babies together might even bring you closer, you never know. Don't forget pregnancies can be awfully stressful, she might be worried sick as well, cut her some slack. Brace yourself for stupid people comparing your bumps and everything, but ignore them. You should have a choice of a few places where to give birth, when you know where she will give birth, you can go somewhere else.

It's up to you to stay away from her, and the beauty of pregnancy is that you can play the sickness/ tiredness card to get out of everything you don't like. Once you have babies, you don't have to meet up with her, you can always refuse nicely.

Good luck, I hope you have a beautiful healthy happy baby Flowers

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 01/04/2016 22:26

Early I get it completely. I don't have the emotional reserves to deal with people I have zero interest in. Your brother married her, woohoo for your brother, but that doesn't instantly make her your friend or mean you have to engage. There's no malice in that, it's just a fact. Some people here seem to be of the opinion that you to be friends with family, but I think that's unhealthy.

Keep your distance, and she will hopefully back off enough that you'll both be able to enjoy your pregnancies alone.

Sistersweet · 01/04/2016 22:29

I think you are being a bit silly. It really doesn't matter if she is pregnant the same time as you and it's really lovely for children to have cousins close in age. My DD is best friends with her cousin who is 8 months older than her and my DS and 2 cousins were all born within 6 weeks of each other and adore each other. A trip to grandma's with no cousins being there is akin to a tragedy. I never had cousins so didn't have this experience and it's amazing.

winewolfhowls · 01/04/2016 22:31

We can't choose who we like and there's nothing wrong with not taking to someone. The wrong thing, if they are nice, is letting them know you feel that way.

Perhaps try faking it til you make it with her?

She may find her own new friends amongst mums at groups anyway so might back of a little. You may be imagining the worst case scenario of being in each others pockets and it may not happen. At least if she has a baby first you can actively choose alternative baby classes to avoid her.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 01/04/2016 22:31

Well when we go out for dinner as a family me my sister and sister in laws all tend to sit near each other to catch up and chat and have a laugh. I feel a bit sorry for your sil. yabu.

MajesticWhine · 01/04/2016 22:35

It will be lovely to have a cousin close by. Sorry you are feeling like you are. YAB a bit U.

QuiteLikely5 · 01/04/2016 22:36

Procrastinator don't you think it's preferable to get on with family though?

Don't you think since the SiL is nice that the op should make some effort too?

Nofunkingworriesmate · 01/04/2016 22:37

I'm going to say the A word..... Then I'm probly gonna get flamed so have my fire retardant pants on.....

Do you find social situations stressful ? Does your child have a spectrum of social difficulties?
Do you need your space and find normal friendliness and closeness difficult?
People with Asberger/autistic Traits can panic and stress about stuff like this...
Be kind to yourself and maybe get a supportive family member to let sil know either subtlety or bluntly say yourself you are happier in your own space. Hope all goes well for you x

Colchestergal · 01/04/2016 22:38

Despite your updates I still maintain UR. Poor SIL Sad

MiniCooperLover · 01/04/2016 22:40

She's trying to be friendly to you and you want to avoid her and someone says your SIL sounds like a loon? I think you sound like you need to get a grip!! Do you know their own road to having a baby was without any drama or heartache? I'm very sorry for you that yours was rough (and I've been there) but genuinely get a grip! The world does not revolve around you!!

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 01/04/2016 22:41

My DS has a cousin the same age as him. I have nothing in common with SiL (nothing against her as a person - she's nice enough, just nothing in common), but actually having the kids grow up together has been bloody marvellous. Try and see some positive aspects to the situation and you may start to relax a bit.

acupwithasaucer · 01/04/2016 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 01/04/2016 22:44

How the hell does the sil sound like a loon??

Op, you are being ridiculous

MattDillonsPants · 01/04/2016 22:44

As a SIL with an unfriendly SIL I also feel you're being unkind. I moved to a foreign country to live a better life with my DH and knowing he had a sister, made things feel better....I hoped we'd be friends.

I was wrong. She's made it clear she has no desire to be friends, even basic ones. She's never chatted to me properly....I make the effort, trying to engage her and she gives me one word answers.

I've given up now but it is a source of sadness for me.

CotswoldStrife · 01/04/2016 22:45

Do you get on with your brother or do you have similar issues with him too?