Not happy that SIL is pregnant at the same time as me

[Earlyday]

I'm sure I'll be told I'm being unreasonable....but anyway...

I'm pregnant after several miscarriages. I've had a really horrible year - apart from the miscarriages. I'm feeling a bit depressed as it's been a lot to go through - and some things are ongoing.

I'm holding off on telling people I'm pregnant for now.

SIL has just announced she's pregnant - just a little bit further along than me.

I've never got on with her. I like my own space but she tries to hard to be best pals and it's not what I want. We are very different personalities. I don't mind meeting up now and then (not often) and being nice - but then I need to get away and have space.

Her and DB recently moved very close to me - initially they tried to move almost right next to my place. She has twice tried to get a job in the same place as me - even though we live in a big city and I can't understand why of all the places in this city she'd be trying to work in my place.

Just as I was starting to feel happy about this pregnancy she announces her pregnancy and I feel myself getting really depressed. I just have this vision of everyone seeing us as a pair now - because we are both at the same stage of pregnancy and our babies will be the same age.

I feel like I will end up having to spend loads of time with her when I'd prefer not to. I'm dreading it. I don't want to bump in to her at the hospital or at baby groups. I feel like I won't be able to enjoy this maternity leave as she'll be close by and expecting to meet up all the time.

DH says to look on the bright-side - our baby will have a cousin to grow up with. I appreciate that part - but I don't like the idea of SIL having to become a big part of my life.

I'm sure I sound horrible to be thinking like this - but I'm not looking forward to announcing in pregnant now - and everyone being delighted that me and SIL might end up in hospital at the same time giving birth , I know SIL will probably start crying with joy when she hears I'm pregnant too - I'm not looking forward to that.

PS So sorry, most important, congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope it all goes well for you

I too like my own space & am very happy in my own company however I would love to have a SIL like yours, even just for the occasional get together/texting. I've got a couple of SILs but no real friendship with any! I've also been pregnant the same time as them with 4 of my DC but it didn't unfortunately mean we spent any time together.
I was pregnant with my first DC the same time as another very closely related family member & they were furious not happy about it (even though I was pregnant before they announced that they were too). They refused to acknowledge my pregnancy and yet at every opportunity let me know how unhappy they were about it, after my DC was born it still kept going on and eventually contact was cut away back. Even now many years later it still hurts.
I know you say it's not just that she's pregnant the same time as you but going by your thread title maybe it's not so clear cut... Cut your SIL some slack and remember if it's her first pregnancy, then maybe she's worried too. So YABVU.

I 100% understand how you feel. No advice other than don't give in and feel bullied into spending all your time with her. And remember the mumsnet mantra of "no is a complete sentence". You don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

Urgh some people don't get it at all and are making pretty wild assumptions.

It's all very territorial though. She opens the door at your mums etc and you would rather open it with your key.
I think the issues are yours and you need to switch off a bit, announce your pregnancy when you want to and take one step at a time. Civility costs nothing

You keep mentioning how you like your own space. You do realise once your baby is born you will never have your own space for a very very long time.

What part did your DB play in trying to move next door to you or suggesting his Dw apply for a job in the same company as his ds. Or was it all SIL s ideas

Not very reasonable at all, of course.

My SIL was pg at the same time as me and she lost the baby at term. You don't know where this will go, and I am sure I don't need to tell you that when you have experienced your own losses.

Do you think really secretly you're worried because of your mc's and the health concerns re: special needs that she is going to have a happy, healthy pregnancy and a child without special needs and there's some resentment there?
It would be understandable for anyone to have mixed feelings given these circumstances but try not to make this about your SIL being pregnant.

Although I have to say, I've heard it all now if not wanting to be BFFs with your SIL means that you have an autistic spectrum condition!

I don't think the OP has been mean or unkind. She hasn't been rude to her SIL but just privately doesn't like her that much. She just opened up here about her inner feelings. Do we all have saintly feelings about everyone and like everyone or do we have some less than kind feelings about some people which we keep inside? I think the latter.

OP I hope you find a way through this.

Yes I think it's the constant over- keenness that's worn me down.

You're rude mate
Just tell the girl you don't like her and ask her to stop makin an effort with you - trust me this will resolve everything!

How is she rude when she has just had private thoughts?

I think OP is being perfectly reasonable to have these thoughts and to feel crowded by SIL. I would also find it annoying to have SIL constantly opening the door at my mums, trying to move next door, get a job at the same company etc.
And I think that for O P if it's at all possible, it might be good to say to SIL, look, I want to get on, but I'm a different kind of person to you, and I need a bit of space- stop pursuing me (a bit more diplomatically than this)
Just because SIL wants to be best pals doesn't mean OP has to.

But on the other hand it might be nice to get on now and again. Sounds like SIL is being a bit insensitive herself to me.

OP I get you. I also hate being in the limelight or having any fuss made of me, and I am terrible at small talk.
Yes, civility costs nothing, but it's not true all the time to say its easy to be nice. It can be utterly exhausting having someone in your face all the time.

My ex sis in law was like this.
She took a shine to me, and always acted like we were best friends. It wasn't that I disliked her or anything like that. I just found it hard to be around her.
She isn't a bad person at all, and I but we had nothing in common, apart from my brother. I knew her overall for about 15 yrs. And for all that time, I couldn't relax when she was in the vicinity. She was alway a bit hyper and a bit too keen. I suspect she subconciously picked up on my discomfort and unfortunately the result was she tried a bit harder.

The only time I could relax and feel like I could breathe just for a few minutes would be if she left the room, or I did. I used to hide in the loo sometimes just for space. She would always make sure she saved a place for me if there was a family gathering. And like yours, she would follow me from room to room.

I would never have been rude to her, like I said, she is not a bad person, and the issues were mine. I would never ever tell her though, because why would you do that? She was married to my brother, and I only saw her every few months, and the kids are lovely. The only person I told about this was my mum, and in the end she stopped telling me when DB and SIL were going to be visiting in case I wouldn't come at the same time because she struggled with her too.

I have to admit feeling secretly relieved though when I heard her and my DB were splitting, because I wouldn't have be " always on" when she was around any more.

Not much help for you I'm afraid, but the other comments about you having different antenatal group/NCT friends are probably true. You won't have to spend time with each other all the time, because you will probably naturally make different friends during the pregnancy. And after the babies come, you will at least have something to talk about.

You sound very introverted OP.

For what it's worth I think SIL moved closer to you deliberately when planning this pregnancy. The buddying up behaviour is her attempt to build a support network for herself in preparation for motherhood.

You need firm boundaries with SIL. As another poster said above: "No is a complete sentence"

Don't be too quick to burn your bridges with SIL the time might come when you need her support. You never know what might be around the corner and the newborn stage is a lonely time for many mothers.

Look on the bright side. My sil is pregnant & it's not the same time as me. We've been ttc for 2 years & she's caught on very quickly. I am pleased for her but sad for me. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

To be honest I'd meet up with her whilst you're both on maternity leave (maybe before?), coffees, baby clothes shopping etc... Just try and get to know her and how she ticks.

My DBs wife (my SIL) we got on well at first but then cracks appeared, I was on holiday with her family and DB where she went mental at me and DB on one occasion (total overreaction) and a few other not spats but stuff from her and probably me too. Then I realised, No. 1 she is her own person, No. 2 she gets on with eg her dad better and a lot better than her mum, she's quite sensitive but likes to help. Once I took that on board and avoided certain issues but made sure I was happy with her etc things got much better.

You and your SIL don't have to be BFFs but kindness and welcoming her in a bit won't hurt. Before you know it you'll both be back to work.

I tried for many years to get pregnant with eldest DS and my sil announced her pregnancy 4 months after me. I did have a teeny thought of I didn't want to share the limelight if you like BUT it was very exciting and our children have grown up together and it's made us even better friends. It might just bring you closer
Congratulations on your pregnancy

I think there are a number of issues (miscarriages, anxiety about possible SN in your unborn child, pushy relatives and a more reserved personality) and your SIL is just a convenient home to house them all in.

It sounds like you're on different ends of the personality spectrum and as she has the more dominant personality, you are going to have to spell out you wants/ needs to her. There's also a good chance that your mother is probably pushing for a closer relationship between you and your SIL (perhaps more than what she's comfortable with too), which means that you're going to have to assert yourself with her too.

No one knows your boundaries better than you, which makes it your responsibility to both communicate and police them.

Congratulation on your pregnancy.

If I've read it right your SIL gets on well with your mum and everyone else wants to be happy families.

Have you told your mum how you feel? If you tell her that you like SIL but find her a bit too much except in small doses then perhaps your mum can help to shield you a little at family gatherings. Or try to arrange it that sometimes you're a big family together and other times just your family plus parents etc. Or if your mum is close to SIL she may know a gentle way to explain that you need space etc without you having to be blunt and potentially burn bridges.

If she can back off a bit you might find you get on better on the times you do meet and actually enjoy them.

Op Yabu. But you know that.

But why is Sil getting the blame for them wanting to move closer? Maybe your dbro wanted to move closer. Maybe your dbro is pushing her to be friends with you.

I have Aspergers. So totally get being freaked out at someone pushing themselves on you. But honestly, I have a Sil that hates me. I haven't done anything. She hates that we parent different. For example I work, she is a sahm. She made no bones about the fact that she 'hates mums who work' and thinks we should be sterilised for being so selfish.

It's gone down hill from there.

You don't have to be best friends with her and go to the same baby groups. You don't have to go to baby groups at all, if you don't want.

But if you and Sil hated it each other, it could be much worse and much more stressful.

YANBU someone behaving like this would make me feel really claustrophobic. I once had a French exchange student who followed me from room to room and I was at the end of my tether after 2 weeks. I can only imagine how annoying it is to have someone crowding you like this for years.
However, there is nothing to be gained from worrying about potential problems in the future. You are assuming everyone will expect you to be bffs but it hasn't happened yet. Relax and try to forget about it. Hopefully she will meet someone with the same keen personality at one of her baby groups and then back off a bit.

I don't think YABU, I was unexpectedly pregnant at the same time as my SIL who was pregnant with a baby they had TTC for ages for and had losses. So basically the opposite of you.

Even being the other way round I found the whole pregnancy and baby thing quite stifling as a "pair" with everything I did compared to her.

Our toddlers are very close now but I have to say I'm enjoying my second pregnancy so much more (they are planning to start trying at the end of the year)

I think I can understand your point of view, OP. I like my SIL but would definitely find living close to her or working with her too much as we're very different people. She probably feels the same about me. It okay to need your own space. I've had people be really over keen with me before and I found it very irritating!

Ah OP don't worry, you don't have to be besties. You may find having a baby to look after will make you more firm and able to say 'no' more. No you can't come over, no that doesn't work for me, no we're busy.

It would be odd if you suddenly became best friends just because you're pregnant, anyway.

Me and SIL were due our first babies 2 days apart. We see each other maybe every couple of months (live about an hour away from each other) but generally let each other get on with things.