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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to drink on holiday with newly teetotal friends?

133 replies

cowardlylion99 · 30/03/2016 23:51

Several months ago we booked to go on our summer hols with close friends.

To be clear, DH & I could never be classed as heavy drinkers. Yes, we enjoy 3 or 4 drinks on Friday & Saturday nights. We don't tend to drink midweek unless it's a special occasion or we're on holiday! When on holiday we look forward to a few glasses of the local vino in the evenings. Until recently our friends had similar drinking habits to ours and we were looking forward to a few drinks on holiday. However, since booking the holiday, they have stopped drinking completely.

Must admit I was a bit surprised. I'm certain that if there was some hidden drink problem, health issue etc they would've told us and would know we'd be supportive. They're too old for it to be ttc/pregnancy related either. I did ask my friend why and she just shrugged and said she'd gone off it. Obviously, it's their choice but I do feel a little sad as I did enjoy having a few drinks with them (selfish I know). We've been out for dinner with them a couple of times since they went dry. My friend told us to feel free to go ahead and drink but it was said with a bit of a cat's bum face so we stopped at one as we felt a bit uncomfortable, plus it's not so much fun drinking when half the party are stone cold sober! We still see them regularly but during the day for coffee etc rather than the pub. I guess it's no biggie as we have other people we can go out drinking with, but the holiday......?!?

Would we be U to carry on as we would normally do and have a few drinks in the evenings while away? DH has said there's nfw he's not drinking for the whole of HIS holiday and I see his point but on the other hand I don't want to piss off a good friend. In addition to the cat's bum face, friend has been quite vocal on Facebook about the fact that she doesn't drink and got snippy with a fb friend who didn't realise she was now a non -drinker and tagged her (and others) in a jokey meme about drinking. I've not judged her for not drinking (well not outwardly!), but feel a bit judged myself and I'm hardly a raving alkie!

Oh well, maybe they'll fall off the wagon by summer......

OP posts:

Scootering · 30/03/2016 23:56

Ooh that would be hard for me too!

I'd want to cancel

Or end up getting drunk with dh so they wouldn't want to go on hol with us again....

Ooh tricky! I love drinking on holiday!

lottielou7 · 30/03/2016 23:56

Well if I were your friends I certainly wouldn't be offended if you wanted to drink on holiday - it's your holiday too. I suppose if you were to get drunk regularly then that might put a different spin on things but from what you've said, it does not sound like that is the case.

FuckyNell · 30/03/2016 23:56

Just drink as normal with your dh I wouldn't worry. If it changes the atmosphere well then there's not a lot you can do about it is there? Neither of you are in the wrong really so just go with the assumption that you'll be doing the same as you always do. It's them that's changed for whichever reason, not you.

WorraLiberty · 30/03/2016 23:59

I did ask my friend why and she just shrugged and said she'd gone off it

All you can do is take that at face value.

If you want to drink then drink.

BackforGood · 31/03/2016 00:10

I too think you should just order what you want to drink.
After all, it is they that have moved the goalposts since you booked your holiday together.
If there were a health reason then I might think differently, but, if they have just decided to stop,(or want the world to think they've just decided to stop), well, that's up to them, and not for them to dictate what you do.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 31/03/2016 00:15

I've gone off chicken recently. Doesn't mean I get to catsbumface you if that's what you fancy for dinner...

To be fair, it's always awkward when friends change the dynamic. But you should drink what you want on holiday.

avamiah · 31/03/2016 00:18

It's their choice to give up alcohol and if they haven't told you the reason why all of a sudden then you should just in my opinion carry on as normal.

houseeveryweekend · 31/03/2016 00:26

Yeah unless its because they had drinking problems then just carry on as normal. I think it would be different if they were alcoholics in recovery who had asked for your support but this seems just to be a choice they've made for other reasons. It is weird when you are a bit drunk and someone you are used to being drunk with you is sober... are you sure she was doing catsbumface? it could just be that she was sober so not as relaxed as she used to be, she may not have been looking like that on purpose. It will just take a bit of getting used to is all both for them to be relaxed sober and for you to be relaxed about being drunk in front of sober people! But I think its doable, ive got teetotal friends who still come on nights out and I don't even notice it that they dont drink any more

YabuDabbaDoo · 31/03/2016 00:29

Yeah just carry on as normal. I used to drink similarly to you but about this time last year found it didn't make life better on the whole, so thought I would try life without. It's been a revelation, I feel 10 years younger.

It's surprised me how challenging other people have found it, and wanted to know The Reason... There isn't a very exciting one.

Interesting that alcohol is the only mind-altering substance that people think it odd not to partake of.

I'm not remotely affected by people around me drinking, if they are happy and healthy about it then it's all good.

Jojoriley · 31/03/2016 00:39

I have several teetotal friends and I drink as normal around them. Even recovering alcoholics who have been sober a long while. However I know my friend who's sober wouldn't be comfortable being with people for whom drinking was their main form of entertainment. I must say you do sound really defensive- your friend isn't asking you not to drink and if you're uncomfortable being with sober people then it's your problem not theirs. Considering actually cancelling the holiday cos your friends are sober is pretty extreme IMO.

lorelei9here · 31/03/2016 00:44

I don't drink much
Like two a month
Recently on holiday with big drinking friends
No one cares
No idea why it makes a difference
Are you sure you weren't imagining her cat's bum face? I don't give a stuff about all this but my best mate thinks twenty units is a normal evening.

lorelei9here · 31/03/2016 00:46

Also, if you all only drink a bit you're not even talking about you being plastered while she's sober

I'm used to drunk friends, if I've had one or two I'm still sober, it's no different.

icclemunchy · 31/03/2016 00:48

I wouldn't even occur to me not to

They're grown ups who have decided not to drink. If they don't want to be around people who do drink then that's up to them but they cannot expect you to change your life because they've changed theirs. Would you feel the same if they'd gone veggi?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 31/03/2016 00:56

I'm a vegetarian. I don't demand everyone I eat with follows my diet.
If they choose to be teetotal then they can be teetotal. They aren't in charge of you. If they don't wish to be around alcohol where alcohol is being legally and reasonably consumed then they can make their own dinner plans.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 31/03/2016 00:58

If I were you I'd talk to her about it. It's not that they've stopped drinking, it's that she's being evangelical about it. I'd ask her again why they have stopped & if there's something you need to be supportive of because you don't want an atmosphere when you're on holiday. If she gets all narky then best one of you changes your plans. Life's too short for that crap on holiday.

BillSykesDog · 31/03/2016 00:59

Honestly, IMO people who react this badly to other people stopping drinking usually have a bit of an issue themselves.

I've been the drunk one around sober people and the sober one around drunk people and it really doesn't make that much difference and it's still good fun. It sounds like you only really value friends as drinking buddies and not as people.

avamiah · 31/03/2016 01:21

Further to my first post,
About 9 months ago there were about 10 of us meeting for Sunday lunch and I will never forget when the waitress was taking our order and it went something like, 5 beef, 3 lamb etc and then our friend said , "one veggie".It wasn't actually me who questioned her "veggie" choice as I was scoffing a bread roll and know this because I nearly choked on it when she stated she was now a a Vegetarian .

AcrossthePond55 · 31/03/2016 01:35

Interesting conundrum. I have two relatives who are recovering alcoholics and they both, in their early days, asked us not to drink in front of them. Not a problem. Both of them were open about their alcoholism being the reason they asked us not to drink. Later on each of them at one point said that if we wanted to drink in front of them it was no longer a problem.

My feeling is that if someone wants you to do or not do something because of the affect it has on them, they need to be honest about the reason why. If your friends prefer to be PA about it (Oh, it's OK ) then I'd just carry on as before.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/03/2016 02:11

"My friend told us to feel free to go ahead and drink but it was said with a bit of a cat's bum face"
You feel judged by her. I would too. And I wouldn't fancy sitting down to dinner with someone who was judging me on what I chose to drink with my restaurant meal.

I think I would have to have a chat with this friend. Along the lines of:

'You don't seem comfortable around alcohol any more, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable. But neither do I want to be made to feel uncomfortable because I want a glass of wine or three with my evening meal. So, are we still good for this holiday?'

If she asks you about you being made to feel uncomfortable, mention the cat's bum face. You're supposed to be friends, if you're good enough friends to go on holiday together, you should be good enough friends to discuss this.

MattDillonsPants · 31/03/2016 02:15

It's so weird the way people get affected by other people choosing not to drink. My DH and I both don't drink....we have no problem with other people drinking but they sometimes feel unhappy that we don't.

We still have fun...we still laugh and joke. We just don't need alcohol to relax. Chill out and stop judging them or feeling judged by them. I can't believe one poster said she'd cancel!

RupertPupkin · 31/03/2016 03:27

*I think I would have to have a chat with this friend. Along the lines of:

I'd do that, too. Just to get it out there before the holiday. She's sure to say "no, it's fine" but by saying that you're making it clear that you won't tolerate any judgy looks as you quaff your chosen beverage.

FixItUpChappie · 31/03/2016 03:42

Honestly, IMO people who react this badly to other people stopping drinking usually have a bit of an issue themselves.

^^This. Feeling so concerned about alcohol in advance of a holiday perhaps deserve some self-reflection on how much alcohol factors into your idea of what constitutes fun.

Italiangreyhound · 31/03/2016 04:11

cowardlylion99 I would just go on holiday and do as you like. They were drinkers when you booked he holiday, they are not now, they knew you drank then and do now.

I agree with RupertPupkin that you need to chat before holiday. You could go but decide to only meet up in the daytime (as you do now) and eat separately at night. It may work then you decide to eat together some nights and some not.

If this is a major issue then you could cancel the holiday (but I agree that woudl be a bit crazy).

And agree with ExtraHotLatteToGo I would check there is not more of an issue here, is one of them a recovering alcoholic, is one of them ill? You don't need to spell it out but if you are good friends you could explain their attitude ('evangelical' teetotaller) rather than just not drinking is making you worried there is more to this than meets the eye.

jellyjiggles · 31/03/2016 04:18

I don't drink anymore. I get horrendous hangovers and it affects my mood too much. I expect my friends to carry on as normal and do what they enjoy doing. We still have really fun nights out. We respect its a personal choice.

If they are getting really very drunk I tend to leave them to it at a point they don't know their arse from their elbow. The older we get the less this happens.

aurynne · 31/03/2016 05:24

I cannot for the sake of me see how this is an issue.

But then I am not British...

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