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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to drink on holiday with newly teetotal friends?

133 replies

cowardlylion99 · 30/03/2016 23:51

Several months ago we booked to go on our summer hols with close friends.

To be clear, DH & I could never be classed as heavy drinkers. Yes, we enjoy 3 or 4 drinks on Friday & Saturday nights. We don't tend to drink midweek unless it's a special occasion or we're on holiday! When on holiday we look forward to a few glasses of the local vino in the evenings. Until recently our friends had similar drinking habits to ours and we were looking forward to a few drinks on holiday. However, since booking the holiday, they have stopped drinking completely.

Must admit I was a bit surprised. I'm certain that if there was some hidden drink problem, health issue etc they would've told us and would know we'd be supportive. They're too old for it to be ttc/pregnancy related either. I did ask my friend why and she just shrugged and said she'd gone off it. Obviously, it's their choice but I do feel a little sad as I did enjoy having a few drinks with them (selfish I know). We've been out for dinner with them a couple of times since they went dry. My friend told us to feel free to go ahead and drink but it was said with a bit of a cat's bum face so we stopped at one as we felt a bit uncomfortable, plus it's not so much fun drinking when half the party are stone cold sober! We still see them regularly but during the day for coffee etc rather than the pub. I guess it's no biggie as we have other people we can go out drinking with, but the holiday......?!?

Would we be U to carry on as we would normally do and have a few drinks in the evenings while away? DH has said there's nfw he's not drinking for the whole of HIS holiday and I see his point but on the other hand I don't want to piss off a good friend. In addition to the cat's bum face, friend has been quite vocal on Facebook about the fact that she doesn't drink and got snippy with a fb friend who didn't realise she was now a non -drinker and tagged her (and others) in a jokey meme about drinking. I've not judged her for not drinking (well not outwardly!), but feel a bit judged myself and I'm hardly a raving alkie!

Oh well, maybe they'll fall off the wagon by summer......

OP posts:

lorelei9here · 31/03/2016 10:57

Summer "Quite often people make the assumption that I have had a fair bit to drink as I'm dancing by myself on the dance floor or arranging a 'back to my house' after a party"

are you me? Always the first one on the dancefloor! Always have a party here. Always have booze in for the boozers. It's all good!

PrivatePike · 31/03/2016 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lorelei9here · 31/03/2016 11:20

Private "It must be incredibly annoying to be judged and have the fun sucked from normal drinking by people on an alcohol-hating warpath. "

I've never come across such a person tbh. I do think some people assume I'm that person - you can see the relief when I explain I'm not teetotal, just don't drink much. It's bananas.

SirChenjin · 31/03/2016 11:26

Just have a drink FGS! If you don't judge her for not drinking, or make any comment about how weird it is, or ask her how she can enjoy herself if she's not drinking, or make any other comment about it then I'm sure she won't really care if you have one/two/a load or not.

I'm almost TT now - enjoy one or 2 on the odd occasion, but that's about it. I much prefer to be on soft drinks with no hangover or horrible woozy feeling, but I get so many looks that it's as if I've suggested we all sniff aerosols or something.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 31/03/2016 11:27

What have they said other than a perceived dirty look? I don't drink and people take it personally.

Meet for dinner then split afterwards and go and do your own thing. This doesn't need to be a big deal.

PrivatePike · 31/03/2016 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/03/2016 11:49

That's sad, OP, I feel sorry for you. I'm teetotal too but I'd happily 'drink' with you - would have sparking water with ice and slice and it would look like V&T. I genuinely like not drinking and genuinely wouldn't give two hoots that you were, I'd just be happy to be out with you.

I think your friend is not happy to be teetotal. Somebody who genuinely feels happy about their choices feels no need to foist them on anybody else.

I would tell friend to do as she pleases and let you do the same - without either of you judging each other (not that I think you are).

curren · 31/03/2016 12:20

I always remember my mum (also a moderate drinker) saying she prefers people who like a drink. I totally get that and admit I do too! I don't actually have many friends who don't drink at all. I remember once, after a glass of wine, she was introduced to someone who said "I don't drink alcohol". My mum said "Oh dear, I'm so sorry" like she'd been bereaved! I pmsl!

Hmmm this sounds like you just don't want to go away with them because they don't drink.

I don't know if they are judging you. I know people have assumed I will judge them for drinking when I don't care one bit, what someone else does.

But it's sounds like you think the friendship isn't the same now they don't drink. I find your mums reaction and your reaction to her very odd tbh.

Why would you be sorry someone chooses not to drink? Why would you find that funny?

At the very least you both sound judgy of each others choices.

PrivatePike · 31/03/2016 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sofato5miles · 31/03/2016 12:57

I would not go on holiday with a teetotal couple. We have gone on holiday with one DH who doesn-t drink but his wife loves to have a couple of glasses with others.

I don't drink 5 nights of the week at home, but on holiday, the fun of the sundowner aperol spritz, makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

MissusWrex · 31/03/2016 13:18

I've found that 'I don't have as much fun when others aren't also drinking' usually translated in to 'I'm painfully aware that in a few hours I'm going to think I'm being witty and charming and you will clearly remember that actually I've been boringly repeating myself for the last hour, slurring a bit and my face has morphed into something resembling a sad fish'

Lambzig · 31/03/2016 13:33

I don't think YABU. A few years ago DH and I went on holiday with a couple. DD was 18 months and their DD just 2, so lovely ages to play together.

I like a single glass of wine with dinner, but that is all I have on holiday - not a big drinker. The wife of the couple was not drinking because pregnant, but I have seen her drink, not teetotal.

Every evening at dinner, she would sigh when I ordered a glass making little digs like "again! Two days running" or "are you really ok to look after you DD after drinking that?" Obviously, DH and her DH drinking beer was not commented on. I do like her, and have got on ok with her since, but the comments really ruined the evenings for me, I ended up just drinking water.. I did have a quiet word and asked her to stop, but she said it must be my guilty conscience if it bothered me.

Summerblaze100 · 31/03/2016 13:36

Ha, maybe Lorelei.

I occasionally fancy a baileys so I have one. Maybe once or twice a year and only the one. Fridge in the garage and the wine rack is always stocked. My parents like a drink, as does my DH.

Nobody thinks I'm weird. Well they do, but not because of my drinking habits.

I think it's very sad that you only have friends who drink. You would have missed out on my sparkling company.

Hulababy · 31/03/2016 13:40

We have a friend who no longer drinks. Medical reasons though.

We still send a lot of social times with him including nights out and holidays. DH and I, and his wife, still drink alcohol when we are with him. He usually has alcohol free beer.

But there is no judging involved.

If she is judging you about having alcohol then that is not on, and yes, it would make me feel uncomfortable. However, likewise, you shouldn't be judging her about not drinking alcohol either.

Hissy · 31/03/2016 16:18

Just say something like "so you've given up the booze, when are you giving up judging?"

Dump them, it's not the drink or lack it making them arseholes

Jojoriley · 31/03/2016 21:06

She is ghastly! Who does that?

Jojoriley · 31/03/2016 21:07

I was replying to you Lambzig - how awful I would have wanted to lamp her

Original poster

cowardlylion99 · 31/03/2016 21:26

Just because someone gets a nice fuzzy feeling when they know they're going to get to relax with a few drinks on a Friday night/at a wedding/on holiday it doesn't mean they have alcohol issues. Maybe people who have never acquired a taste for alcohol can't identify with that feeling. I'm a bit like that with smoking, tried it but never grew to enjoy it so can't imagine ever fancying a fag. Similarly, it doesn't mean someone has issues if they feel a bit disappointed when it turns out people they were about to go for a few drinks with aren't going to drink at all. Sorry, but drinking alone is NOT as enjoyable. We discovered our friends were teetotal when I reached for the wine list as usual, only to get "we don't drink anymore, but please do go ahead" catsbum. Who can blame us for feeling a bit disappointed? DH picked up on the disapproval too and said afterwards "wtf was that all about?"

I don't believe I've been judgemental (venting on here is a bit different, no?). Apart from asking her that one time I've not mentioned it. I've certainly not tried to ply her with alcohol or make silly comments. I've not commented on the Facebook stuff either. A few people did make Noo! Why??? Type comments and got the same response as me.

Honestly, if I really did have a problem I'd be feeling pretty paranoid by now what with Facebook, catsbum and the need to tell me about people who don't drink! Instead, I just feel a bit irritated and judged for enjoying a perfectly reasonable activity.

Thanks for the replies. They've helped us decide that we'll carry on exactly as we normally would on holiday. We'll go to the bar and if they want to join us for a soft drink , great. If not, that's fine too ☺

OP posts:

Itinerary · 31/03/2016 21:37

Just carry on as normal. If they're good friends then you'll enjoy each other's company regardless of who has a drink or not. I certainly manage to enjoy myself with friends who drink, even though I rarely do. If anyone has a problem with it, they're not really much of a friend. And it works both ways - if your friend is now constantly judging and commenting for no good reason, it's not very respectful of your own choices.

I think it's very sad that you only have friends who drink. You would have missed out on my sparkling company.

Mine too

Hissy · 31/03/2016 22:11

I agree, carry on as normal, any more Catsbum and make different plans for dinner. It is absolutely not on to ruin your evening because they have changed their rules.

Perhaps one of them has a secret problem with drink?

Either way, they make their choices and have no right to evangelise or pressure you about your choices.

I hate the whole "we" have given up thing too. It's so trite.

Zucker · 31/03/2016 22:14

I wonder if one of them has a problem and the other is doing it as a show of support. It might tie in with the sudden preaching on facebook and the catsbumming.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 31/03/2016 22:17

I don't drink but it wouldn't bother me if everyone else did.
Just as long as you don't expect me to carry you home (I would hold your hair while you chuck up. I'm good that way )

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/03/2016 22:22

Oh... the 'catsbumming'. I've just read a thread that has what looks like a catsbum emojii. I would have posted on the thread to ask where the emojii comes from but the OP is upset, it's on 'chat' and it's about a doctor appointment.

lorelei9here · 31/03/2016 22:27

I'm confused
Who is it that only has friends who drink?

I'm having an Aperol now!

Summerblaze100 · 01/04/2016 06:59

If you mean my post, that part was talking to the OP.

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