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AIBU?

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Original poster

to drink on holiday with newly teetotal friends?

133 replies

cowardlylion99 · 30/03/2016 23:51

Several months ago we booked to go on our summer hols with close friends.

To be clear, DH & I could never be classed as heavy drinkers. Yes, we enjoy 3 or 4 drinks on Friday & Saturday nights. We don't tend to drink midweek unless it's a special occasion or we're on holiday! When on holiday we look forward to a few glasses of the local vino in the evenings. Until recently our friends had similar drinking habits to ours and we were looking forward to a few drinks on holiday. However, since booking the holiday, they have stopped drinking completely.

Must admit I was a bit surprised. I'm certain that if there was some hidden drink problem, health issue etc they would've told us and would know we'd be supportive. They're too old for it to be ttc/pregnancy related either. I did ask my friend why and she just shrugged and said she'd gone off it. Obviously, it's their choice but I do feel a little sad as I did enjoy having a few drinks with them (selfish I know). We've been out for dinner with them a couple of times since they went dry. My friend told us to feel free to go ahead and drink but it was said with a bit of a cat's bum face so we stopped at one as we felt a bit uncomfortable, plus it's not so much fun drinking when half the party are stone cold sober! We still see them regularly but during the day for coffee etc rather than the pub. I guess it's no biggie as we have other people we can go out drinking with, but the holiday......?!?

Would we be U to carry on as we would normally do and have a few drinks in the evenings while away? DH has said there's nfw he's not drinking for the whole of HIS holiday and I see his point but on the other hand I don't want to piss off a good friend. In addition to the cat's bum face, friend has been quite vocal on Facebook about the fact that she doesn't drink and got snippy with a fb friend who didn't realise she was now a non -drinker and tagged her (and others) in a jokey meme about drinking. I've not judged her for not drinking (well not outwardly!), but feel a bit judged myself and I'm hardly a raving alkie!

Oh well, maybe they'll fall off the wagon by summer......

OP posts:
KeyserSophie · 31/03/2016 09:14

I think it's hard to assess without knowing them. I have friends who don't drink, or are vegan or whatever. I drink and eat meat and we go out and I eat and drink my stuff and they eat and drink their's. All good, although I acknowledge I would probably drink less with non-drinkers, and if they were vegan cos the sight of meat made them sick, I'd have the manners not to order a bloody steak.

However.......there is also the joke about "If a Vegan Crossfitter does dry January, what does he talk about first?"

Some people, when they make a decision to change something for health/ lifestyle reasons, can be a bit of a PITA about it and be condescending about those who dont join their crusade. Nothing more annoying than the work colleague, who was formerly keeping Maccers in business going "clean" and lecturing you about the sugar content of your lunchtime apple on Day 2.

The converted ones are ALWAYS the worst.

NickyEds · 31/03/2016 09:15

I know what you mean op. We've booked a holiday this summer with another couple and I'd be gutted if they started making catsbum faces if I have a beer. It doesn't "say something about your attitude to alcohol", more that it says something towards your attitude to holidays. I would ask them about it, "so you're not drinking, great! Are you actually okay about us getting a bit pissed on holiday or what?!"

MissusWrex · 31/03/2016 09:18

We are teetotal now and I'm absolutely never offended if anyone drinks when we go out etc.

I am offended if they say THEY can't have as much fun if I'M not drunk.

Roussette · 31/03/2016 09:20

Yes I agree about the converted ones being the worst.

I know this can't happen with a holiday but if I gave up alcohol hardly likely! I would not be making grand statements to anyone, or put it on FB. I would quietly go along with my decision, it's quite easy at a party for instance to have a sparkling water and pretend it's gin and tonic or whatever. I've done this on the odd rare occasion and no one is none the wiser. It's just a bit of a dampener to loudly announce you and your DH aren't drinking. It's those that make such a fuss about it, that puts me off. Just get on with it and let me enjoy my drinking!

FairyDustDreamer · 31/03/2016 09:21

My FIL to my dh- you don't need that son, while looking at me like I have a major drink problem....
That attitude hard to take I can tell you, as you sip your wine!
Most people I encounter not like my FIL thank goodness....

LionsLedge · 31/03/2016 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 31/03/2016 09:26

little lion

as |I grow older I realise that my father, to some extent my brother and a good few of my good friends are functioning alkies.

I noticed that with 1 friend a night out involved multiple bottles of wine, and $$ and hangovers. Likewise as my dad drank, I have normalised drinking every day (poor bean has liver cancer now...)

I have cut down a lot this year, and have stopped binge drinking pretty much but have a way to go- I hear you!

littleleftie · 31/03/2016 09:27

Hmmm, well firstly, I am not sure you are right to assume they don't have problems with alcohol or other medical reasons for stopping the booze. They may just not want to tell you, however close you are?

I have had to stop drinking alcohol for medical reasons. My friends are all bloody delighted as they get to be chauffeured around by me!!! I still go out and have a great time. Admittedly, I tend to be the first one to leave, as I recognise my tiredness better without alcohol IYSWIM? What I don't do however, is give anyone the catsbumface.

All I can suggest you do is give her "the face" when she orders extra chips or a chocolate fudge sundae?

They may have fallen off the wagon by the holiday, or you will just have to spend a little less time socialising with them, but absolutely don't let it put you ff enjoying your holiday however you wish. Have a lovely time.

SilverBirchWithout · 31/03/2016 09:33

I'm not a big drinker, I get pissed too quickly (2 drinks is usually my limit). And have been known to throw-up after 3. I often don't drink at all as I find to hard to sleep after having any alcohol.

I don't mind others drinking, why would I? Unless they are boring, aggressive or embarrassing when drunk. The only person I can recall getting arsey about me not drinking was an alcoholic relative, who I guess felt I was in someway judging her choices by not joining in.

So I think I would ask why you feel it's important that your friends join in when you drink, do you think people can only be fun when they are tipsy or pissed? Perhaps you need to reexamine your own relationship and attitude to alcohol?

It does sound like either of you will enjoy each other's company because of the change in your friends drinking habits. If this is a big part of your holiday pleasure, sounds like you need to change your holiday plans.

angelos02 · 31/03/2016 09:37

It wouldn't even cross my mind not to drink just because someone else isn't.

wannabehippyandcrazycatlover · 31/03/2016 09:45

Just have a drink.

It seems to me that you are uncomfortable with drinking in front of them and are projecting these feelings onto them. Perhaps creating an issue that isn't there?

Most people enjoy a drink on holiday and they will probably appreciate this and will be expecting it.

Hullygully · 31/03/2016 09:51

I think you should both go tee total too. What about some nice colonic cleansing of an evening instead of a boring old meal in a ressie with a few drinks and a sunset?

FairyDustDreamer · 31/03/2016 09:51

I think most people fine about mixed company of drinkers and non drinkers.
However, if you have someone like my FIL [who we stay with weeks at a time due to distance] giving judging looks and comments, it does take the joy out of a glass of wine! Also brings out childish sod you I am having a drink attitude in me which I know is not grown up or clever.....

cardibach · 31/03/2016 09:51

All the non-drinkers here who say it's no issue, it doesn't bother them if their friends drink are missing the point - it does bother the OPs friend to the point where she is disapproving of the OP ordering wine.
Also those saying that OPs response to friends giving up drink suggests she has a problem with drink herself are projecting. She doesn't mind her friend not drinking, it's the disapproval of her having a few glasses of wine that is the problem.
OP I quite understand. Nobody wants to be judged on their holiday. Speak to your friend as. pP suggested and straighten out the issue.

Coconutty · 31/03/2016 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Summerblaze100 · 31/03/2016 10:06

I completely agree that if the friend is judgemental then that is not on and will spoil OP's holiday. I just wonder that if the OP is so judgemental about non drinkers that she may have imagined the catsbumface because she felt judged herself.

Or the female half of the couple may have been cajoled into stopping drinking by her other half and was jealous of your wine.

You won't know til you talk to each other.

MartinaJ · 31/03/2016 10:11

There are drinking morons. And there are non-drinking morons.
I don't need other people for self-validation so I genuinely don't care if people drink or don't drink alcohol in my company. If someone is so insecure that they feel like I'm spoiling their fun but not drinking, it's not my problem.

Zucker · 31/03/2016 10:20

Have a chat before you go on the holiday OP. I fear it may not make much of a difference though and you will have to listen to tales of how great their non drinking life and non drinking friends are.

Extra drinks in the evening should sort that Wink

Fairenuff · 31/03/2016 10:26

I've not judged her for not drinking (well not outwardly!) Shock

Why would it even cross your mind to judge someone for not drinking? Confused

Has our society become that embroiled in the drinking culture?

PestilentialCat · 31/03/2016 10:33

This is going to be the last joint holiday! if it isn't canceled

lorelei9here · 31/03/2016 10:42

OP you say your friend points out people who don't drink - I find that strange but it sounds like you are both Judgey McJudgey - how that works in a friendship, I am not sure.

I also don't understand judging someone for not drinking. Or for drinking. Or for eating meat. Or for being vegan.

Some people just really enjoy "judging" as an activity I guess.

What is the "judge" factor here btw - is it an assumption that the person not drinking must be less fun?

to those who "prefer" someone who drinks - I bet I could easily fool you that I was having a few drinks. The drinking culture is sad, I have one friend who tells the bar staff to make it look like an alcoholic drink. But often it does anyway - I mean, does the small glass of lemonade have vodka in it or not?

Roussette · 31/03/2016 10:45

It'll all be fine on holiday if there isn't an air of judgement from non alcoholic friends.

I honestly would be saying to them... look, this is our holiday whereby we relax and have a few drinks and being a holiday it will be more than when at home, if you have even the slightest problem with that, I need to know.

Summerblaze100 · 31/03/2016 10:51

I agree Lorelei.

Quite often people make the assumption that I have had a fair bit to drink as I'm dancing by myself on the dance floor or arranging a 'back to my house' after a party. People are genuinely shocked that I am having a good time without a drink. I haven't drank for years so people are used to me now but still get the odd new person who is baffled when I tell them I've been on Coke all night.

I just like dancing and socialising and it doesn't matter if I've had a drink or not to do that.

My idea of a fab night out is for everyone to have a good time. If you want a drink to do that or you don't, is all good with me.

HoneyDragon · 31/03/2016 10:51

Honestly, IMO people who react this badly to other people stopping drinking usually have a bit of an issue themselves

I disagree, particularly in this case. The op doesn't want to be judged for drinking. And it sounds like she will be.

I'm tee total. I loathe socialising with evangelical newly non drinkers and have to refrain myself from going in a wet fish slapping spree when all the dry drinkers witter on endlessly.

If they have an issue with alcohol and need you and your oh to be supportive they should tell you or ask you to support them.
If they are good friends ask if they need support in staying on the wagon.

If they've made a life style choice than they need to accept it as their life style and let other folk get on with theirs.

In short. Have a drink, have a nice holiday. If they get snotty about your drinking you'll have to find different ways of socialising in the future.

HoneyDragon · 31/03/2016 10:52

*dry Januaryers