Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pay day loan and hen do - AIBU

235 replies

Henzilla · 29/03/2016 20:54

Apologies...another hen do one. One of my best friends is getting married. She's not having bridesmaids a few of us friends suggested organising a night out as a hen do but Friend 2 said she had spoken to bride who wants to go away for weekend in London. I said I can't afford a weekend away but Friend 2 went ahead anyway. I take the point - she only gets married once, so figured I'd just find the cash from somewhere. Now Friend 2 says she won't be able to come on the hen do as she has a 6mo. This is perfectly reasonable of course - one of the reasons I suggested a smaller thing so everyone could come! So now I'm in a position where I'm going to be taking out a payday loan to afford a night away that I'll be in charge of.

AIBU to think that her reason for not going isn't better than mine? Yes, I can take out a loan to afford it and she can't leave a baby she's breastfeeding. Am prepared to accept therefore IABU. I know the bride wants to go away and I want her to have a womderful weekend and I don't want to let her down. But I would have spoken to her and gently said is quite short notice for people and let's make it a fabulous day/night in our hometown. It's too late to do that now and I just feel desperately worried about money and that I've been cornered into something where I'm just going to be thinking about every pound so it's not going to be the dream weekend away she hoped for anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henzilla · 29/03/2016 23:39

I think you might all have stopped me taking out a payday loan.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henzilla · 29/03/2016 23:42

But yes zip because I am a wuss I did say to Friend 2 to send out the email with my signatory. So that's fair enough. But now I'm thinking perhaps I can just calmly say - this isn't for me. I think an afternoon tea with the bride would be lovely so I'll plan that and everyone is welcome but I can't do a weekend away.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 29/03/2016 23:44

I think you might all have stopped me taking out a payday loan.

yay!!! Grin

Out2pasture · 29/03/2016 23:47

another one who says never never take out a payday loan.
there is not one good reason in the world to do this, it is just a wedding.
regroup reorganize something local and in your (and the other gal's) budget.
if the bride want's fun in London she can organize that herself.

Whatamuckingfuddle · 29/03/2016 23:48

You can tell them, it might feel embarrassing now, but it's going to get worse the next time when you are more in debt and no longer eligible for a PDL. No one really wants to spend money on hen dos, it just annoys everyone who's going. I can almost guarantee most of the rest of the party will be grateful if you cut back a bit. but I really really would avoid the PDL. Good luck

Whatamuckingfuddle · 29/03/2016 23:49

Sorry, X post, slow Typer! Well done

Original poster
Henzilla · 29/03/2016 23:51

Bloody hell. I feel so much better and sorted after this. Thanks y'all. Signing off now but definitely going to think about it....but thinking about what's best for me. A wee revalation there. Wine or Cake to you all with thanks

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 29/03/2016 23:59

No one really wants to spend money on hen dos, it just annoys everyone who's going. I can almost guarantee most of the rest of the party will be grateful if you cut back a bit. but I really really would avoid the PDL. Good luck

I suspect a lot of other people will be very grateful for the chance to back out your doing so gives them, tbh. If you say cheerily that neither you nor Friend 2 can make the overnight part, just the night out, so can people email you to say what they personally can commit to, you will be saving some others from financial Armageddon as well. So actually, you're doing a good deed!

gamerchick · 30/03/2016 00:11

Aside from anything else do you know for sure you would even get a payday loan?

They still take 69 quid administration fee from your bank account even if you're knocked back. Why would you risk that for a piss up?

Anyway glad you're not doing it. They're not the answer to much those things.

LifeofI · 30/03/2016 00:27

This is not fair on you. The fact you will have to take out a PDL means you cannot afford it. Yes someone only gets married once but that doesnt mean you should go broke for it.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/03/2016 00:31

That's what I was talking about upthread. There should be no shame in looking right into a friend's (or anybody's) eyes and saying "I do not have the money to do this". You shouldn't have to make up a 'white lie'. There is no shame in being unable to afford things. My sister was extremely wealthy and would want to do things out of our price range. I had to tell her quite often that we couldn't afford it. No shame in that at all.

Just tell the Bride straight out that friend2 talked railroaded you into a plan that you simply can't carry through with.

BitchyComment · 30/03/2016 00:34

I'm so glad you aren't going to get a pay day loan.

whatsmyusername · 30/03/2016 00:38

Ive had some of the best times of my life on hen dos in my 20s, i have a great bunch of mates though who id do anything for. I have too got into debt (never anything as silly as a payday loan, sorry) and been truly skint for a period after for such momentous events and not regretted it 1 bit. But thats the point, i wanted to do it, it was my choice. I wouldn't back out if id commited and bookings made so other peoples deposits lost etc but it doesnt sound like you are that far in.

Look to other cities or towns with a travel lodge, 3 in a family room for £30 a night (£10 each). Who cares where you are when you are drunk anyway! London is great but too expensive, if you want to do fancy dress or simular etc you might be limited to where you can go too in london and get stuck somewhere crap.

Doesnt sound like your heart is in it so suggest alternatives.

BeaArthursUnderpants · 30/03/2016 01:01

I haven't read the full thread but one thing you said stuck out to me, OP. Something like "weighing the disappointment against the money." Exactly whose disappointment are you weighing here? Because it sounds like the bride has been very open to a more modest option. And it's only been 2 weeks of emails, it's not like she's had her heart set on this for years. The only person who is likely to really be disappointed here is Friend2, and it's not even her wedding! I think you also know that your lovely friend the bride will not hold this against you and in fact would NOT want you to even consider going into debt for her hen do.

What you are really weighing is your own embarassment at your financial situation. And I get that, I really do. There's a lot of shame tied up with not having money. Regardless of the reasons, it feels like a failure. It's also hard when we all say things like "I'm so poor, I totally shouldn't have bought those shoes," or "I totally can't afford any more lunches out" even when we're far from the point of needing a payday loan to cover them. So people don't necessarily understand when you REALLY mesn you can't afford something. And it feels so personal and vulnerable to reveal it. I really do understand all of this.

BUT. Part of growing up is taking responsibility for your situation, even when it's hard, inconvenient, or embarrassing. Until you do that you will just keep perpetuating and exacerbating the situation. By taking a loan you are taking the easy way out in the short-term at the expense of your long-term best interests. And quite possibly at the expense of some good friendships. We've all made the easy choice at tomes when we should have made the hard one, and we've all regretted it. Make this your moment to make the hard, embarrassing, responsible, grown-up, smart, healthy choice. You will be so proud of yourself when it's over. And I have a feeling the fallout won't be as bad as you think, but even if it is, so what.

BadLad · 30/03/2016 02:05

Sorry, I'd love to come but either we do something cheaper or I don't have the money to come along.

That's what I'd say.

Obs2016 · 30/03/2016 07:17

I was here from the start.
I believe you were given very good advice and I believe we were truly supportive.
Hope you make the right decision OP.
I'm out.

Cornishclio · 30/03/2016 07:39

I will add another voice to the chorus of don't take out a payday loan. I would also suggest you go on to the MSE debt forum as there are hundreds of people there in serious debt trying to keep up with friends who are much richer than them or spending on silly things just to keep in with people who claim to be friends but are really not.

Your friend who is getting married needs to realise if she wants an expensive hen do some people (you and maybe others) cannot come. If friend 2 has a baby why on earth would she go along with suggestion of weekend away? Stand your ground. If they are real friends they would understand. A payday loan is never an option. I know many people who have suggested going for a cheaper hen do option when it became evident the cost was an issue for some people so it is not too late if wedding not until July and no deposits paid.

origamiwarrior · 30/03/2016 08:13

You've made two good decisions OP:

  1. You posted here, because it didn't feel right and you were worried

  2. You've taken on the advice given and decided a pay-day loan for this hen night is not appropriate

Now you need to continue this trajectory of good decisions by not using a white lie, but facing up, accepting and challenging your financial situation. It's only by being honest with yourself, and with others, that you will be able to get out of debt. So the next steps are:

  1. Phone the bride (or text/email if easier) Say "I'm gutted to be doing this but I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to attend your hen night in its current form, as I have no money to pay for it and was planning to take out a pay-day loan to cover it, which, on reflection, wouldn't be the best financial decision! Since Friend 2 can't make it either, I propose we instead have afternoon tea at xxxxx. Would that be okay? Maybe we could do the trip to London at a later date when money isn't so tight for me"

  2. Email Friend 2 and tell her that you have spoken to Bride and she has agreed that afternoon tea at xxxxx would be easier for everyone, considering the breastfeeding and the costs involved.

  3. Email the guest list saying "Change of plan! We're now going to afternoon tea at xxxxx on the Saturday - further details to follow - can't wait to see you then!!"

  4. Take on the advice PP have given you re places for help (MSE, austerity thread) to tackle your debt.

Good luck OP!

grapejuicerocks · 30/03/2016 08:31

Let us know what the bride says.

No white lies please. Just tell the truth. You should be able to be honest with good friends; you should be able to show them your true self - warts and all, otherwise it is friendship at quite a superficial level. You never know confiding in them may bring you closer. My good friends and I share our worries. That's what makes us such good friends. I don't have such a deep relationship with other friends. They are friends but they are not best friends.

fatherpeeweestairmaster · 30/03/2016 08:48

I wish hen dos would go back to being a night out in the local bistro with a sash for the bride, too much fizzy wine and a horrible rendition of New York New York at closing time. I love my friends, but it's expensive enough attending a wedding without having to allocate precious holiday money/time off to weekends away with them.

If you scale this back to afternoon tea at home, OP, I guarantee you won't be the only attendee who's secretly grateful.

ameliaesmith · 30/03/2016 08:59

YABVU to take out a pay day loan for anything IMO. Avoid at all costs, try and be honest with the bridal party about this and see if you can rearrange is my advice

NewtoCornland · 30/03/2016 09:34

henzilla I'm so glad you have cleared your head and seen sense. PDL's really are the devil's work.

A few years back in did something similar to what you were originally proposing, except it was a birthday weekend not a hen. I was already in a financial mess from a situation out of my control but was too embarrassed to speak about and took out a PDL. This led to a vicious circle...I had bills to pay the next month but had paid the loan so had to get another loan to pay that. The next month, exactly the same......this continued for 18 months and ended in bankruptcy. My friend was horrified when I finally told her the truth and felt partly responsible for the BR (she wasn't at all, I was fully responsible).

The dynamics of friendships can be....odd....and some friends just cannot see other pov. Friend 2 has been wholly unfair by ignoring your protests of cost and underhand knowing full well it's not an occasion she was ever going to attend.

I do wonder if some of the other attendees are feeling exactly as you are and will be relieved when a change of plan is made!

MrsHathaway · 30/03/2016 10:18

If you scale this back to afternoon tea at home, OP, I guarantee you won't be the only attendee who's secretly grateful.

I couldn't agree more.

I'm so glad you're feeling more confident about how to proceed, OP. It's very likely that at least some of the other invitees are like you and us: unwilling or unable to spunk hundreds on a weekend in London at short notice. Those who really like that sort of thing can arrange it separately; this isn't their only chance.

FWIW I think afternoon tea sounds lovely. Very classy. And very suitable to bring a 6mo to - to be passed round and cooed over. She can have a gnaw on a cucumber sandwich too Grin

Collaborate · 30/03/2016 10:19

Thread's too long for me to read all the responses, but hopefully OP you're no longer going.

Whatever you're doing, make sure you assume no personal financial responsibility for any of the booking. Insist on full payment for any activities and hotels before you make any booking (or better still get friend 2 to pay for it all). There are umpteen threads on this board of people backing out last minute and expecting not to have to pay.

Sallyingforth · 30/03/2016 10:43

What a relief! I was really worried for you.
Well done OP for doing the right thing. :)