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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pay day loan and hen do - AIBU

235 replies

Henzilla · 29/03/2016 20:54

Apologies...another hen do one. One of my best friends is getting married. She's not having bridesmaids a few of us friends suggested organising a night out as a hen do but Friend 2 said she had spoken to bride who wants to go away for weekend in London. I said I can't afford a weekend away but Friend 2 went ahead anyway. I take the point - she only gets married once, so figured I'd just find the cash from somewhere. Now Friend 2 says she won't be able to come on the hen do as she has a 6mo. This is perfectly reasonable of course - one of the reasons I suggested a smaller thing so everyone could come! So now I'm in a position where I'm going to be taking out a payday loan to afford a night away that I'll be in charge of.

AIBU to think that her reason for not going isn't better than mine? Yes, I can take out a loan to afford it and she can't leave a baby she's breastfeeding. Am prepared to accept therefore IABU. I know the bride wants to go away and I want her to have a womderful weekend and I don't want to let her down. But I would have spoken to her and gently said is quite short notice for people and let's make it a fabulous day/night in our hometown. It's too late to do that now and I just feel desperately worried about money and that I've been cornered into something where I'm just going to be thinking about every pound so it's not going to be the dream weekend away she hoped for anyway.

OP posts:

Birthgeek · 29/03/2016 21:17

I'm responsible for my friend having a good hen do.

No you're not. Your issue is with the bride's wishes, not friend 2, really. Perhaps friend 2 felt bad not being able to go, so arranged it all to 'do her bit'. But you're not obligated - really.

If the bride wants to go for a weekend away and you can't go, that's that. Getting a payday loan for this would be ridiculous. It's the bride's fault if her chosen activity is unsuitable. If she's pissed off with you then she's not a true friend really, is she?

TheSeptemberIssue · 29/03/2016 21:18

I can only second what Bear said. A payday loan is a HUGE red flag in your credit file. I would rather lose a friendship than risk having that on my file for the next SIX YEARS.

Do not do it.

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 29/03/2016 21:18

You'd be better off getting a credit card with 0% finance deal on it, which you can pay off with no interest.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 29/03/2016 21:18

A good friend would not want you to borrow money to go to their hen do. Be honest and tell her the truth and show her the actual cost to you. If she doesn't care about you getting into debt at that point you know she isn't a real friend.

SavoyCabbage · 29/03/2016 21:19

It's not your responsibility to go to this hen do at all. This seems like a massive thing rights. So, but in six months nobody will give a hoot about it.

Don't take a pay day loan to go to a hen party. What would be in it for you? Would you enjoy it?

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 29/03/2016 21:19

Has anything that can't be cancelled been booked yet for the weekend away?

Are other friends coming or just you and bride?

Just speak up and tell the bride you are organising a night out locally so that both you and Friend 2 can attend. If she gets upset then I would honestly reevaluate your friendship. Hen dos are for having fun with your best friends- if you're stressed and Friend 2 isn't coming there is no point in a big weekend away!

I think you need to be assertive and speak up about your needs, Friend 2 has done, and your reasons for not going away for the weekend are entirely valid.

Incidentally when I was a bridesmaid the bride initially said she wanted her hen to be a long weekend in Dubai! Us bridesmaids politely suggested something closer to home to improve attendance and she cheerfully agreed. I think brides can get carried away, but a good friend will listen to you.

Original poster

Henzilla · 29/03/2016 21:19

Thank you. God, I wish I'd started this thread earlier before the planning got underway. It's too late now. Yes, I'm a pushover I now. You're all very sensible.

And yes, I have a credit card, and yes, it's maxxed out. I'm not in a good place financially tbh.

OP posts:

SavoyCabbage · 29/03/2016 21:20

How is it too late? What has been booked?

coveredinhopeandvaseline · 29/03/2016 21:21

You cannot afford this. No shame in that.

Original poster

Henzilla · 29/03/2016 21:21

Buck no not much notice. She got engaged two weeks ago and is getting married first week of July so that's why the rush.

OP posts:

Orda1 · 29/03/2016 21:22

If your credit card is maxed out, you really shouldn't even be considering going at all let alone taking out a pay day loan, only a fool would do it.

jay55 · 29/03/2016 21:22

You said you couldn't afford it. That's it. No friend is worth getting into debt over, especially not for a night out.
Grow a back bone.

Original poster

Henzilla · 29/03/2016 21:23

And it's not the bride - I think I could've spoken to her. It's Friend 2 organising.

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 29/03/2016 21:23

OP, it's not too late.

A friend that allows you, even encourages you, to get into debt purely for her gratification, is no friend at all.

If you do this then you' won't enjoy the night and will spend God knows how long paying for it.

Bridezilla will be pissed off you're not going for about 5 minutes and will then revert back to thinking about herself.

perrita · 29/03/2016 21:25

I feel terrible for you, I hate how hen dos (and stags) have to be ridiculous over the top affairs. You would have a fab time on a night out in your local town as much as going to London for a weekend, probably more so because others may be struggling to afford it as well. You're worried about giving your good friend a good send off but she's not worried about her good friend being able to afford it. Really bugs me.

SavoyCabbage · 29/03/2016 21:25

Friend 2 is not even going!

annandale · 29/03/2016 21:25

Don't worry about being a pushover, don't be ashamed! I don't believe it's too late. When is the weekend? You MUST talk to the bride.

Just to prove that I am no financial expert, I was once a bit of a habitue of pawn shops - old fashioned version of payday loans but at least if you lose the thing you pawn you just lose it and that's the end of it (at least that's how it used to be). A close friend of mine [cough] even pawned something that didn't belong to me her, which is illegal. It was done in order to go on a group holiday [sigh] So I do understand the pressure. It was a great holiday

ouryve · 29/03/2016 21:26

To put it simply, if the friend can't do it any more, neither can you. You only reluctantly agreed to it, in the first place. You can't afford it. Full stop. Payday loans should only be for the most pressing of emergencies. This is not an emergency in any shape or form.

If the bride sulks, then ask her, honestly, whether you should leave the electric or the gas bill unpaid, for the next quarter, to pay for it, because that's what the reality comes down to.

Ameliablue · 29/03/2016 21:27

Don't do it no real friend would want you to take a loan out for a hen do. Explain to her that is the only way you could afford it.

sianihedgehog · 29/03/2016 21:27

White lie: say that you have been unable to get a payday loan for it. Pass the buck to another bridesmaid like friend 2 did to you.

ImperialBlether · 29/03/2016 21:27

But Friend 2 is organising something that she isn't going to, isn't she?

Look, arrange to meet the bride. Talk to her honestly. I'm sure she'll be amenable to a night out, given the short notice, but if she wants a song and dance, say you're pulling out. It will take a lot of guts, but nowhere near what it will take you to repay that bloody loan.

newmumwithquestions · 29/03/2016 21:27

Please don't get a payday loan. Those things are evil. Ideally tell bridezilla you cant afford it and pull out. She'll probably offer to lend you the money for it in which case it'll be up to you if you do or not, but with a payday loan you are simply throwing cash away.
But back to your AYBU.... I'd say that not wanting a weekend away when breastfeeding a 6 mo is a very good reason not to go, a night out or all day/evening thing is the most I'd personally feel comfortable with for a 6mo baby, whether breast or bottle fed (though it's personal choice - some mums will feel differently). So friend 2 has a really valid reason not to go, SINBU for that, but SIBVU to have organised it knowing that she wouldn't be going and to not respect your request not to go.

RandomMess · 29/03/2016 21:28

Go back to friend 2 and say you can't afford it and she can't go so you need to change the plan to something you can both do and host for your friend.

Bearbehind · 29/03/2016 21:30

This doesn't make any sense.

How has Friend 2 suddenly decided she can't leave her 6 month old if the bride only got engaged 2 weeks ago?

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 29/03/2016 21:30

What has been booked already?
What can't be cancelled?
What have you committed to?

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